Where'd life go?

Hello folkies, I've not posted for a few days. I'd like to say it was because I was so busy, that I had a life, but no. I've been pretty much nowhere and done nothing.

I'm stressing about Christmas. I'm trying not to let the anxiety take over my life, but even I have noticed that I don't cease fiddling with my fingers/hands even when I'm supposedly sitting relaxing.

I've learnt a lot about anxiety over time, and now I try to think through everything that's going on at the moment in my life, and try to pinpoint the things that are making me most anxious.

Now it's the whole going away for the day that's the main worry. We're not staying overnight, I've been able to tell them that I don't want to be away from  home overnight. I had been going to lie and say I'd left it too late to book the dog into kennels, but I know that if I give an actual reason like that (even if it's a lie) it's possible for someone to suggest an alternative. So I've told the truth and this will also show them that I'm not well. They seem to want me to sparkle so much and in the past I've hidden my emotions and played along. That leads to so much adrenaline, and leaves me exhausted afterwards. Anyway the news was accepted and no-one has tried to persuade me to stay. Yet. Someone did say 'see how you feel' as though I could decide whether to stay over on the day. I was too tired to point out I would need to have my meds with me, and what about the dog.

I really think a lot of people are of the opinion that depression/anxiety is not a real illness. The lady who suggested I see how I felt on the day, about staying the night, she thinks that it won't hurt to go without my meds for one night. It really, really annoys me. No-one would say that to someone with a heart condition. One of the meds I take is lithium. I ran out once and had to go a day without it. I had feelings of nausea and headaches, not recommended. I also take venlafaxine, and mirtazipine also on the highest dose.

Add to that, one family member who will be there has passed comment that no-one has depression for this long. I can't answer that one really.

Then the older generation there, they worry about me and so I feel the need to make them think I'm doing fine. It's like being pulled in all sorts of directions.

This year, I'm going to try very hard to just be me. That's very hard because I've kind of conditioned myself to sparkle and be lively in company for so many years. It reminds me of first going to see the psychiatrist and later the psychologist. These were both strangers to me. For years I've pretended to be fine to strangers (mostly at work) and now I should be the real me and talk to these people about stuff I wouldn't tell anyone. And they were strangers to me. I found it very hard. Anyway, back to this Christmas, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to find a seat with my back to the wall and stay there. I know people will come and talk to me, but I shall tell myself that's because they like me and they want to talk to me. I'm not getting involved with anything else. I've worked out we'll be there about 8 hours.

When we get home we'll have Saturday to get over it, and then we have all my husband's side of the family up to ours. I find that easier. I know there's a lot to do and I'm absolutely knackered by the end of the day, but that's kind of the point. I will have a lot to do. I'm not sitting around chatting, that's the part I find so hard. I'll be making tea/coffee/soft drinks, putting food out, all kinds of stuff really. In short, I shall have purpose. Also, all the adults know I'm not well and accept who I am. I read this quote the other day about Eeyore, it said that all his friends knew he was always miserable but they always invited him along anyway and accepted him for who he was. I thought that was lovely.

My coping strategy for Christmas Day is to sit in one place and stay there as much as possible. If anyone makes that comment I mentioned earlier I shall be calm, but instead of ignoring it like I usually would, I shall say calmly and quietly 'are you saying I should pull myself together?' I will not ignore these barbs, but I will respond calmly.

My coping strategy for the Sunday, when all the kids come up, is to keep busy and to get as many hugs as I possibly can! I think one of the best things is that I know if I don't feel well enough I can just disappear off upstairs and they will leave me alone. It's very calming just knowing that.

Christmas Day there will be 11 of us. Sunday there will be 22 of us.

That's mad. You'd think I'd be more worried about the Sunday. I'm learning that if I keep moderately busy then I cope better. Bring on Dec 28th when it will be all over and life will become quiet again. I love Christmas, but I can't cope with all the people.

It's getting closer.

It's getting closer. Christmas, that is. I think I would love Christmas if we could just stay here, calm and peaceful like. I would like to have ch's family here for Christmas because they will say and do what they like, and I find that to be much more relaxed. We do have them all up one day between Christmas and the New Year and we alternate between visiting my family for Christmas Day and staying home here. Christmas is not relaxing with my family, you'd think it would be because there is little or no work to be done in preparing for it. I am very on edge the whole time, have to be sure I do the right thing. Everything is set in stone, what time everything happens. My older relatives wish things to be done in a certain way. Nice and proper kind of. I must dress smartly, who am I dressing up for? It is upsetting to see so much money spent at Christmas, everywhere, when there are so many homeless people and those living on a very low income. I'm all for having a special meal, but to go so over the top feels wrong to me. The adverts on tv are telling us we must have this and that. It's ridiculous. I've done all my shopping for gifts online so far. I don't like going out. People don't seem to get that. I say it and they seem to think I mean that I only go out about 7 times a week or something. If I go further and say, no, I mean I. Do. Not. Go Out. they look at me as if I'm crazy (maybe I am). Some will say, oh yeah, I'm like that sometimes. Like what? Clinically depressed and on a bucket of medication? Sorry, rant over.

Ringing the changes?

I'm trying to be busy, not a concept I'm normally familiar with! I've had a crap few days, admit that may be due to the reduction in meds, but to be honest I only feel as I usually do. Can't say normal, can I!

So, the general idea now is to be doing something as often as I can. Not completely sure what 'something' is, but maybe if I can make my brain think of other things then my mood will improve. Not a brilliant theory, I know. This morning (yes it was morning and I was vertical) I've been cleaning, and this afternoon I've been finishing off some rings I started the other day. The women's support group that my mental health worker takes me to on a Thurs is concluding this week and I thought I'd make a ring for each of them. They're not bad, I'll try and do a photo...

They're a bit sparkly too, because it's Christmas, but you can't really see that in the photo. As always, I'm not happy with the results. The two at the back I made freehand ages ago, and they're smaller. The ones I've just finished are made using a metal cutting die and they're bigger, too big I think. I guess some people would like them big, different tastes. Well, they are what they are.

That's a phrase I've learnt from the ch, 'it is what it is'. It's all part of learning what I am able to change and accepting that it's no good becoming anxious over something I can't change. It's good, but I admit I still worry. Like these rings. I've used up all the blanks I had, so cannot make more. I know the ladies will appreciate that I wanted to make them all something, but I guess I feel judged and found wanting. In other words, they are not good enough and I've made something second rate. The key thing here is that I've already made that decision and they haven't even seen them yet. Crazy I know, I can't help it, but at least I know I'm doing it. That's a step forward.

I just want to tell you something else. Tomorrow I will go for an ultrasound scan, it's to check they have been able to remove all the cancerous nasties last year. I had a total abdominal hysterectomy at the end of last year, and along with benign cysts and suchlike they found a cancerous mass on my right ovary. The lovely gynae lady said it seemed to be all contained when they removed it, and all was well. I've had a couple of check-ups this year, and this one was to be the last. Before she examined me she said she was going to be happy to discharge me. Then after the examination she decided I needed a scan to check. To someone with depression and anxiety this is something similar to lighting the blue touchpaper! I'm trying not to think about it. I don't know why, because that never works. The ch must have sussed that I'm worried about it, he's taking tomorrow off to be able to come with me. There won't be any info tomorrow though, the results won't be available for about a week. So, this is whirling around in my brain currently. Along with the whole Christmas thing and the stresses attached to that. I am having frequent thoughts of running away and hiding under the duvet, but instead and trying the 'keep busy' thing instead. Cross your fingers for me, will you? I need some luck.

So very tired but trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel (is that a train?)

Terrible day, very little sleep last night. Trying to help ch finish an essay, doing some typing for him. Very glad to be able to be of some help, but feeling very shitty today now. I don't know how he managed to go off to work today, it's been all I can do to string a sentence together.

Even so, giving my mind something else to think about has been good for me, I think. My touch-typing is self taught really, I bought a disc over the internet a couple of years ago. I was up to a whoop-de-do level of 30wpm, but I have to look down to see the numbers. Doing some of the bibliography was a laugh. Not. But it's doing something different, and that's really good.

Doing stuff like this really brings it home to me that I'm going to find it hard to return to work eventually. I definitely need to man up! When I'm well enough I'll have to get up early and be busy all day, so I can think straight when I have to do this at work. I think that's a while yet, but not too long I hope. As the ch commented recently, this time last year I was unwell and very stressed.

As regards medical peeps, no-one is really overseeing my mental health care. I see the psychiatrist annually for a review but that's only because I'm taking lithium. If it weren't for that she would have discharged me completely. As it is, she discharged me to the care of my gp about 2 years ago, apart from the review. The gp does not see me at all. I just request repeat prescriptions from the pharmacy, and pick the meds up from there. So I'm overseeing myself.

I have been so very very thankful for our nhs system. Where I live, we do not pay for meds. If I had to pay for them I think it would be around £40 a month, and there's no way I could afford that. Where do you live? Do you have to pay for your meds? How do you manage/budget for them?

On the plus side, I have at least started my Christmas shopping. All online. That makes me feel better, to have made a start. I wouldn't mind a trip into town to see the lights etc. but I can't cope with the shops, too busy.

So, here's hoping the top of my head doesn't explode with the reduced meds. Time will tell.

Take care, all that are reading this. You're all special. And I don't mean than in a 'licking the windows' kind of way!

So low's not a solo.

I'm feeling really low today. No real reason, in fact I should be happy really because I've had a few successes lately. I sang with the choir in a concert last weekend, which went really well. And I went out yesterday. Only a walk up to the post office, but I did it even though I didn't want to. I had to get a parcel in the post, and as usual I'd left it until the last minute. Why change the habit of a lifetime, eh?

Today my mood has dropped big time. I'm here writing this though, so that means I'm up and at least doing something.

I lost an earring on the weekend, only a pewter one, but huge sentimental attachment, and I'm gutted. I doubt it'll turn up now.

 Why am I dwelling on the negative things so much? I know I'm doing it. There are so many positive things around me at the moment and here's me only thinking about the negative ones. The coping strategy of finding the positive in a situation only works when I'm feeling reasonable ok and just need a little extra oomph to go out and so something. Today the only positive is that I'm out of bed, and that's only just. I've not washed and I'm eating only crap, even though I know that eating well affects my mood. I've still got the bunny though. It won't get my whilst I've still got the bunny.

I am daunted by Christmas looming ahead. I've not bought many gifts at all and we're going away this year to my family. I do not  not not want to go away from home. This is where I feel safe. This is where my dog and cats are. This is where I can shut out the world. Away is none of those things. The stress of it makes me want to bury myself under the duvet.

Decision. I'm going to go and eat something that isn't full of sugar and make a coffee. Decent food and caffeine. Will I do it? Shit, I've no idea.

If I can do that, I will buy one present online. Just one, no pressure. That'll be one less to worry about. First food.

Low low low. It's the day after the awful shootings in Paris. So many people have lost their lives, it's staggering that this can happen. I watched a short video in my facebook newsfeed, of a group of terrorists. One of them was stating what they would do, and how they would do it. They believe it is ok to kill people in this way. He wasn't even hiding his face from the camera. Once he was a little baby, a small boy who was loved by someone. He would have laughed and played. What turns them into the terrorists they are today? It's a terrible thing to believe a religion demands these things. My heart truly goes out to the people who have been affected by this tragedy. In a short while it will have disappeared from the news headlines, but the effects will remain with those affected for ever.

I can't wait for the ch to get home, I really would like a hug right now. You really never know when someone you love may be taken from you.

Soupy fog

Not much of an post today, depression is making me so tired. I slept well, but finding it hard to move around. It's that soupy fog, it's back and it's hard work to push through it.

There is so much that needs to be done but I can't summon up the energy to do it. After 5 mins of cleaning I felt like I'd run a marathon. Nor have I done any practice, my music is still where I left it 10 days ago. More and more things are surfacing from the fog, and every one of them is making me feel guilty. So much I should have done, so much I ought to have completed. It all makes me want to crawl back under the duvet.

I'm going to go and make a cup of coffee, see if the caffeine can do anything for me. Caffeine can sometimes give me enough energy to make a start. See ya later.

Well, it's about half an hour later and I've had a coffee and some nuts. Allegedly nuts are good for depression. They're also ok with diabetes, so all good. I think they've done something positive for me. It's really not a good thing to use caffeine in this way, but that's nothing compared to what some folk take to combat depression, so sod it.

My ch should be home in less than an hour, so that's fab. Just knowing he's in the house is good. Sometimes when I've retreated to my bed it helps to know he's here.

A whole half a mile.

Progress! I went out today, walked to the post office in the village. Wondered what the funny smell was, yep it was fresh air. The dog was beside herself with happiness to be going out. She was probably  hoping for a run, but this blog is all about little steps, so the dog's going to have to wait a bit.

I was breathless several times (and not in a good way) and had to stop for my heart rate to come down a bit. Staying in all the time has brought my fitness levels to zero. I can't promise I'll be doing this regularly, but I'll give it a go every so often.

Bit worried bout the dopey dog. She's old now, and I noticed today her fur's coming out. It's very unlikely she's shedding because it's getting cold now. Also the lump on her leg is literally the size of a golf ball now and the skin feels tight. She's a very skinny breed, so it really stands out, I'm certain it's getting bigger, though it doesn't bother her. Maybe I'm worrying without reason, dunno.

My mood is kind of better today. It probably did me a lot of good to go out. I am very irritable though. I'm trying to cut as much sugar as possible out of my diet, and I think it's the withdrawal of sugar that's made me irritable. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO! Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

Since I've been writing this blog it has brought to my attention just how much I worry about every little thing. To a ridiculous level! Currently I am worrying about:

The dog - the vet's seen the lump and it's fine.
Will granddaughter like her bracelet - even if she doesn't like it, she will appreciate that I made it for her.
My psoriasis - well it's worry that caused it in the first place, so there's a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard one! Moisturising is helping loads, so just continue with that.
Whether anyone actually reads this blog - who knows? Writing it is helping me though, so that's what really matters.

I'd like to know if you're really out there though, so drop me a comment or use the contact form. Tell me what part of the globe you are from.

It's raining in my heart. By the Bangles?

What kind of a day is this? Well, outside it's pouring with rain and blowing a gale. Inside? It's kind of pouring with rain on my inside (though thankfully I'm not blowing a gale). I just have this tremendous sense of sadness and no idea why. If there were a reason for my sadness there would be something to work on, but it's just there, sitting on my chest kinda heavy like.

I'm on my own today, as usual on a weekday. The ch isn't home until bout 7pm. I'm used to that though, and 7pm's not bad as it's often later.

Didn't go out to practice on Sunday evening. That's playing on my mind a bit. I feel guilty that I didn't go. I'm having thoughts about leaving again.

I made a little bangle yesterday for one of my granddaughters. It's taken a lot of practice and still wasn't really to my standard, but it was okay. I've been trying my hand at stamping metal, and I've stamped a quote from her favourite tv series onto it. The ch says that if it were in a pure straight line it would look manufactured, but a bit of a wobbly line looks crafted. I'm not alltogether sure what I think of 'a wobbly line'. I told one of the girls I would do dog tags for her 2 sons, that was ages ago when I thought this was going to be easy. That's military dog tags by the way, not the furry kind. Then another said he'd like 2 for his boys and I'm like 'stress man!' I'd love to do these things for them though. Just have to master a technique for a straight line somehow.

Maybe having a try at them would give me a better focus. If I'm busy I maybe would feel less sad?  And eat. I need to eat. I know my mood is better when I eat properly. So, plan is eat first, then bash away at a dog tag. Hopefully that will make me feel a bit better. Fingers crossed. Not literally of course. That would be silly.

All alone with tingly toes.

Feeling quite proud of myself, managed to add a badge to my blog front page. I'd done it before but could not remember how. I thought I was quite savvy with IT stuff, wrong! Anyway, done it now and hopefully this will get me into the blog directory.

I coped well last night, being on my own. I've pulled bits off my thumbs tho, it's not a good look really. If red and scabby was a fashion, well I'd be right up there.

I've slept a lot today, but I've had a shower so that's a big plus. Usually when I'm here alone I go downhill and don't wash for a few days. I only eat crap food too, frozen pizza, stuff like that. This time I've had fruit and nuts too, so that's kinda ok. Am not supposed to have sugar, I'm diabetic, type 2. It's diet controlled. Controlled laughter more like, because I don't really stick to it. I'll have to pay more attention to it tho cos my toes are starting to feel a little strange. I'm thinking that if I don't sort my diabetes out then my toes will go numb. They feel just slightly like that at the tips already :(

A lonely headache

Still massively (is that a word?) lonely. Managed to get a few things done this evening, so that's progress. Now I've got a tension headache.

When I tell my body that there's no need to worry, why doesn't it listen? Why must I have nausea and headaches?  Not liking.

I've heard from the ch, he's arrived safely after more than 5 hours driving. It should have taken less but traffic was, well, traffic. Not t'riffic. Only able to talk for just over a minute as he was stuck in more traffic trying to get out of the wrong parking area, and into the right one for the hotel. Still, at least I know he got there safely.

Have had plenty of company from both cats and the dog this evening. More fireworks tonight and they followed me into every room. That was nice, even though they only did it because they were scared. All's quiet now, so they've all sodded off to do their own thing. Used, that's what I am. Used.

Headache is shit now so I'm going to stop squinting at this and go to sleep. Night peeps, please be here in the morning.

Am bereft

All on my lonesome. I was all set to go away with ch, but my knee was hurting. That together with I'd be walking around all day tomorrow in the rain, it was the right decision to stay at home.

I felt so claustrophobic when he was getting ready to leave. It was only knowing I was going to be alone. How people who are single cope with depression is beyond me. My chest gets all stuffy and I feel I can't breathe so good.

Am a bit more settled now. Like most depressives I'm better in the evening, so I'm doing a few things about the house. Taking a break to write this cos my back was hurting. I'm very lucky, once I sit down for a few minutes the back pain eases a lot.

When we go out together I never think we might  have a road accident, but when he goes out without me I start to worry. I don't like the feeling that he's a couple of hundred miles away either. Roll on tomorrow night when hopefully he'll be home again safe.

I don't like being alone, but I don't want any company either. Work that one out.

Deflated and undecided.

Not a very good day today. Everything is collapsing in on me. You know when you've inflated something and then it slowly deflates? That's me today. Am so tired also. I slept most of the day up to about 3pm.

Anxiety is high, have to go out in the morning. When I know I'm going to have to go out I make other appointments the same day, because that gets it all over in one day. So I've made a time to have my hair cut straight after the morning group. I  really don't want to go to either of them, but if I'm going away overnight with ch on the weekend, I'll have to get my hair cut. I look like wild woman at the moment. The urge to cancel all of it is so strong. Just stay here on my own. I'd save money (we're on cutbacks) and not have the worry about how my knee hurts. I look like an old woman trying to walk. Not good.

So. Two choices:
1. Attend both appointments and go away overnight.
2. Don't.

Okay, so there is middle ground there, but essentially that's the choices. I want to switch off and go to my bed. I have no idea what to do and I'm starting not to care.

ch came home from work for a while before he had to go out again, and I think he's cross with me about something. No idea what tho. We never argue. That's another for the anxiety list then.

Why am I even here? Today I have no clue. I haven't eaten much today, maybe that's contributed to my low mood.

Check the bunny. She's still there.

Should I stay or should I go?

Well the whole going away thing is kinda on hold now. I was going with ch when he's in a conference and going for a wander around and maybe a little shopping. I've got problems with my knee now, and it's painful to walk or to even bend it at all. My knee seems to be trying to turn into some kind of balloon animal, it's a bit swollen and lumpy :( I'll not be able to spend Saturday walking into the city and then around the shops. I don't know how to feel about it really.  Now I can stay here, safe but alone. I'll have the animals for company, and we'll save money not putting the dog into kennels. The part I would have enjoyed was having a meal with ch in the evening, now I'll be alone. It's not long, he's only away one night. So, I was stressing about going away, and now that I can stay home, I'm stressing about that too. Sometimes I think I just need something to be anxious about.

It does feel like something of a reflex, to be anxious about something, maybe everything. It's as though that is the state in which I need to be. I don't want to be, but my brain says 'yes you do. Here, worry about this'. I'm thinking here is another reason to be practising mindfulness. No, I haven't done it yet.

What do you think about the anxiety thing? Do you have the need to worry about everything, when you really don't want to?

Last mindfulness, noise hurts and let me sleep

I attended the last session of my mindfulness course this morning. It's been interesting, but I haven't really committed to it enough. I did a little practice during the week, but I'm told that to gain the benefit of it I should practice daily. This does not happen when my mood is so low, but I will try to do it on other days.

Although I didn't do very much at all over the weekend, I am really tired today. It's from the adrenaline I think. We went up to family because one of my granddaughters was home from uni for the weekend. It was lovely to see her, but I didn't cope well with the noise etc. Noise seems to hurt when it's too loud, does that sound crazy?

Did a little craft work last night, first time in weeks. It seemed as though everything went wrong when I tried previously. Everything looked to me as if a 5 yr old had made it, and then that would send me even lower.

I really need to sleep now, even though it's only 2pm. I've heard that most people with depression don't sleep much and have difficulty getting to sleep, but I'm constantly tired. I can sleep for a few hours in the day and still go to sleep at night. How does your sleep pattern affect you?

Walking and walking

Feeling awful sad today. Bit pathetic, but it's because my car has finally gone. It's the loss of independence really. Reality was that I rarely used it. But it was there, I could have gone out if I'd wished. With all that's wrong in life, it's a pathetic whine, but still it makes me feel sad. It's also the last time I'll have a sporty car, financial reasons say that any future model will be economical. This one wasn't any of that, it had a throaty roar and I loved it.

It's done now, lovely lad bought it and is going to fix it up, so that's good to know. Onwards and upwards, isn't that what they say?

Otherwise, today's been okay so far. Glad to have ch  home and not having to go anywhere. I am going to go out this evening - yay - go me. I have a practice night every Sunday, and I didn't go last week. People have been shot for less. So tonight I'm going, even though, predictably, I'd rather stay at home. Practice only lasts 2 hours, so I'll be home again in under 3 hours. Find the positive? Dunno, ask me again later.

So where are you from? My stats map says that most of you are in America, with quite a lot in Portugal. Amazing. Depression does not care who's bum it bites, or where they live, 'eh?

Speaking of going out. Big decision to be made soon. ch is away at a conference next weekend and I'm due to go too. It's only one night away, and I'm left to myself for the one day to be a tourist. This means staying somewhere new, being up early for a dining room breakfast, all day on my own shopping and wandering around (not much money = not much shopping). Everything I wear shows that I'm fat. The alternative is two days alone at home. I'm thinking if I can find clothes that don't beat my self confidence into submission, then I might go along. I could stay in the room with a book if I can't do the whole wandering about thing. I have arthritis that pains my feet and one knee, so a lot of walking isn't a good idea anyway. See? I'm already finding reasons not to go. Watch this space.

So, this is where it comes from??

It was explained to me a while ago about the formation of the limbic area in the brain. I hope I am remembering this correctly. It's the part of the brain that deals with the flight/fight/freeze syndrome. It learns how to develop from the experiences that are around the child at a early age. Once formed, it is responsible for telling the brain how to react in a stressful/dangerous situation.

I believe that my early years, and the experiences and emotions surrounding me at that time, are partly responsible for my depression. I'll be as brief as I can.

My father died 2 months before I was born. What terrible emotions must my mother have gone through at that time? Such a great loss. When she was in hospital having me, there would have been fathers visiting their newborn children. In those days they kept the mother in hospital for a week after giving birth. Such sadness. Any anyone who came to see us would have brought more sadness. My father's parents never got over losing their only son, I saw this for myself 20+ years later.

Then, when I was 20 months old, my mother died. So, more sadness and grief than you could poke a stick at. Back then there was no time spent on a child's feelings. So no-one would have considered me, what I needed, what I felt or what was best for me.

I had always thought this all happened when I was a baby. An actual baby, in your arms-type baby. It was only looking at one of my grandsons at almost 2 yrs old that it struck me how he would be fully aware if his mum left and didn't ever come back. I mean, that's how it must have seemed to me back then. One day she's here, the next she's gone. A baby knows its mother, knows her smell and her touch, has bonded with her. And then the mother is suddenly not there. Instead, there are my grandparents, all of them suffering their own grief. I don't know how they dealt with it all either.

So that's the first part of where I believe my depression comes from.

The second part comes from the rest of my upbringing. I was brought up by my maternal grandparents. Any time I have tried to suggest this be a reason, my aunt (she's lovely) always said that they did the best that possibly could for me and defended them to the hilt. The thing is, and this is very important, someone can work very hard, doing the best they can, but it is still very possible that what they did could have been very wrong for me.

A couple of examples:

No, I couldn't be brought up by my aunt. She offered, she had 2 girls my age, it would have been a younger family upbringing. The reason? My grandparents feared they wouldn't see much of me because my uncle was in the forces and stationed all over the place. That's selfish and definitely does not put the child's interests first. Instead I spend my out of school time with grandparents who were in their early 70s when I was 10. You do the math.

Schools here have catchment areas, so that whatever school you go to, the other kids in the neighbourhood will go there too. I was sent to a private junior school, where kids were driven in from all over the place. So no friends outside of school, no idea where they lived.
Then I was moved from the high school that all the local kids were going to. Instead I was sent to one close to home. All the kids from there lived two bus journeys away and I was not allowed to see them outside of school. While I fully understand that my grandparents were trying to give me the best education, I completely lacked the social skills to make friends. You're thinking I would have been making friends inside school? I was very quiet, but to a certain extent yes, I was making some friends there. This group of friends lived within a street of one another and met outside of school and at the weekend. I was not allowed to do this, so I was always a bit of an outsider.

I did have one friend, a girl who lived a few doors down from us. I think she had been deemed 'suitable'. One friend. One.

My upbringing was very strict. My grandfather believed the old 'children should be seen and not heard'. An early memory, as an example, when I was about 4. He called me into the room and told me to sit on a chair. I was there several minutes before I realised the radio was playing 'listen with mother' and I had been called so that I could listen to the story. Come on, if you were going to do that, you'd have had the child on your lap, wouldn't you? Not glare and disappear behind the newspaper.

I was so jealous of my two cousins. They had friends and bikes and made things with their mum. One time I was there they had made a little puppet theatre and they gave a show to the other kids and to me and my grandmother. There was so much life going on there. I think I was about ten then. Life at home was old and dark, my grandparents would have been in their early 70s and their house was stuck in the 1950s.

There are lots of people who have suffered a far worse childhood than mine. I was never hit, I was never abused in any form. So I know I've been pretty lucky really. However, the end result is that:

I have depression and anxiety
I don't make friends
I don't leave the house unless it's really necessary

None of my family have ever heard this. I firmly believe they don't want to. People often see what they want to see, and talk so they don't have to listen.

I spent two years living close to my family. I went to see them occasionally. At the end of the two years I moved to another job in another part of the country. While I had lived there I did not make a single friend. I had a boyfriend who came to see me every so often, but I didn't leave with so much as a phone number to keep in touch with anyone. I imagine my family thought I was enjoying life there and going out to the pub etc. Nope. I don't make friends.

I feel exhausted now that I've put all this down.
I do hope you haven't found it boring.

Lot of nothingness.

I can't write today, I feel too low. All is pointless and foggy. Normal service asap x

Just do it.

I really, really, really didn't want to go out this morning. I'd left it too late to cancel, and my mental health worker would have been already on her way to pick me up. So I went. Seems nothing is as bad when you just go and do it. Sweeping statement, I know sometimes  it's worse when you go and do it, but for the most part it ain't so bad. Conversation with others forces me to engage my brain and that's got to be a good thing. I didn't want to, and I didn't want to talk, but eventually some of the fog cleared a bit and I could think a bit clearer.

So often my depression feels like a fog. It surrounds me, makes things blur at the edges and I can't seem to hear properly or interact with my surroundings. It's hard to move through this fog, it holds me back and it makes moving around so very much harder. Particularly walking upstairs. That seems to require an enormous amount of effort.

I managed to not rely on caffeine to kick start me this morning. I did have one instant coffee when I got to the women's group, but that's all. I know caffeine's not good for me, but I need it to get me moving.

The builder came this evening to talk us through the work he's going to be doing. Previously I would have left this to ch but this time I went downstairs and took part in the conversation. Big plus. If I had a chart, I'd give me a gold star.

It's been lovely having ch home this week. Trying not to think about next week, it'll seem so empty.

Trying to find a positive in every scenario. I didn't want to go out this morning, but I thought well, I could wear my new top. It's only a top from a charity shop, for 99p, but I like it, and so that was my positive. It all helps to get me moving in the right direction.

Hi folks,

Now there's a reason why I've not been here much this week. I don't have much private access to the computer this week as it's half term and there are more bodies about. I know I don't really need private space to blog, but it feels easier to 'talk' when I know no-one is going to come into the room and disturb me, or worse, to read it.

How mad it that? I don't want anyone to come in and read my blog, and yet I'm putting it out there for all and sundry to read. It makes a huge difference for me to know that my blog is fairly anonymous. If a close friend or family member were to read my blog then they would know more about how I really feel. At the moment my response to them is "I'm fine" and if they read this, then they would know that I'm not. I think I may be repeating myself here, have I said this before?

That's another thing. Does depression affect your memory? Mine has left me completely! Who are you anyway?

I had a conversation today about black humour, or battlefield humour some people call it. For me this is a copying mechanism, but I have to bite my tongue when around someone who doesn't know me very well, as it may offend. Does anybody else do this as well?

Anyway, apologies for not being around so much. Hopefully normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Or when they all go back to school next week.

Stay well peeps. Or if you can't do that, just stay here.

DDD - Definitely a Duvet Day

Sat in my bed, didn't go out this evening like I was supposed to. I had decided to go, but started to feel sick about an hour before.  Eventually went to bed to lie flat, still feel nauseous now. Although I had wanted to go out, I'm still kinda glad I had an excuse not to go.

Definitely a duvet day today. Carry on like this and I'll have to buy more pyjamas. ch is very supportive and didn't mind that I stayed home at all.

Have to make myself get up in the morning. I only go out to 3 things each week, and tomorrow morning's one of them, to a mindfulness course. Only 2 weeks left of the course now. Going in by bus again, hope there's no one on the bus stop to talk to me. Headphones, must remember headphones. Then people won't speak to me. I forget who told me that, but it's a wonderful idea.

Good night folks, stay well x

It was the breakfast wot done it.

When I was having breakfast I was thinking about all things I could be doing this afternoon. Now all I want to do is close my eyes and make everything go away. I don't mean that in a suicidal way at all, I'd just like to switch off for a bit and make everything go away. If I had batteries I'd take 'em out.

I was going to do some craft stuff, haven't touched anything for a few weeks now. Just don't have the motivation. I'm afraid to begin a project when I feel like this because if even the slightest thing begins to go wrong I'll want to throw it across the room.

Sorry this is such a boring entry, but I'm rather low at the moment.

So, what lifts me?
Music? No, need the quiet.
Talk to someone? What do you think??
Food? I suppose I could look for something healthy to eat. Kind of defeats the object though, if it's healthy.
I might sleep for a bit.

Still vertical

Well I'm still up, still vertical and haven't crawled back to my bed at all today. I think that's a big plus! Haven't really got much to show for my day, but haven't got anything particularly negative to say about it either. All good. Ish.

I have a Twitter account now, so do follow me on @DiamondBunny3. I can't promise that I'll tweet a lot, just have to see how it goes. It's really helping me, writing this blog, so I'm hoping to keep up with the twitter account too :)

Music hurts

Usually music lifts me, especially through headphones and loud. Today it hurts me like it's hitting me. I had to switch it off, it felt like sharp things directed at my eyes. Now the silenced hums at me. No, wait, that's the dishwasher. See, it could be worse!

Well I am up, am out of bed (tick)

I've washed my hair (bigger tick)

I've not showered tho (no tick here)

I ate breakfast (tick)

I got dressed (tick)

I loaded the dishwasher, it's humming 'gonna wash that dish right outa my hair' (tick)

That looks like I've done loads this morning. I think I'll also take credit for it simply being morning, because it's often afternoon before I'm up to doing anything.

That ain't so bad. Shall I try turning the radio back on? I'll let you know if it throws knives at me again...

What's that smell?

Oh yeah, it's fresh air! I went outside today, really outside!

My mental health worker picks me up on a Thursday and takes me to a women's group. I think it's meant to be a support group. This morning I was expecting someone to talk to us about relaxation and mindfulness, but the lady who came gave us info about what was available to us in the area. I learnt a bit, I guess, but as I want to stay at home, I don't think I'll be doing it at the mo.

I'm not very comfortable with talking to other people. It's just too stressful. I become anxious about whether they like me or whether I should have kept my mouth shut. Also, half the time I can't hear what they've said to me. You can only say 'pardon' so many times before it gets embarrassing. Bit dangerous to smile and say yes, I don't know what I might be letting myself in for!

It's much better to stay home, just me and you.

As you can probably tell, I'm not the best today. I've had a sleep this afternoon but still feel groggy and have a headache. I didn't want to go out today, I started feeling that I wanted to go home after half an hour, but had to stay because I needed a lift back home. I could have left and caught a bus, but if I was gone early when the mental health worker returned for me she would ring me later and talk to me about whether I was okay. So it seemed easier to stay.

I spend an awful lot of time going along with things because it's easier and prevents people asking if I'm allright. Sometimes it's going to visit, sometimes it's just saying 'I'm fine thanks' but it's not very often that I can just be me. Most of the time I can be me at home, but once I've said that I don't feel good I'm encouraged to talk about it. I get fed up of talking about it. I don't really want to talk about it. It's not as if it's going to change anything, I'm not suddenly going to have a revelation of how to get better. So, at home I will say I don't feel good but decline to talk about it.

Hugs are good. Hugs are wonderful, but only from a select few people. I am not someone to go hugging everyone, or to want a hug from anyone either. I don't want my personal space invaded. Some hugs are false too. You know, the ones where they air-kiss. No. I read this thing on the internet that a hug lasting more than 20 seconds is very beneficial. You'll be lucky to get me to hug for that long!

Do you go along with things for a quiet life?

Dropped like a stone :(

No idea why, but my mood's just dropped way down. Not done much today really. I've eaten, fairly healthy too (cheese and apple in case you're interested). Now all I want to do is shut down.

I guess all I really want is to have a reason why this happens. Then there would be something to work on. But there's not and it's rubbish.

Maybe it's good to be lonely.

Maybe it is good to be lonely, it means I'm up, out of bed, and missing having someone here. It's a huge improvement from either being in by bed and shutting myself away or being up but wishing I was back in my bed.

Often a lot of my day is spent doing things I feel I should do or I ought to be doing, while wishing I could just go and hide myself away in my bed. Although I know I'm supposed to be kind to myself, these things have to get done one way or another. I can't just ignore the housework stuff.

When I have to push myself to do something I try to think of something good to reward myself with afterwards. Often it's a coffee and a biscuit, I hope the caffeine will help to lift my mood too.

Caffeine, now there's a thing. I find if I have either a coffee or an energy drink that can give me a bit of get-up-and-go. I know it's kind of fake energy, and my husband always tells me there will be a 'crash' later when it wears off. So often though I need something to help me find the energy to, well, to exist really. I don't care if it makes me more tired later, at least I won't be still beating myself up about the housework that I should have done.

Do you ever use caffeine to help in this way?

Mood lifting.

Had quite a good Sunday. Stayed in most of the day, just me and the cute husband, didn't really do anything at all. That's what was so good about it. No pressure to go anywhere for most of the day, so no need to pretend and smile and sparkle. I hate that, it's so tiring. Just the extra adrenaline alone wipes me out.

In the evening I went to choir. It has taken two years for me to feel liked there. I kept thinking they didn't really want me there. They had all known one another for years and no-one talked to me. Whilst I know this was pretty much all in my head, and they were chatting with me sometimes, it still impacts on me. I would come away feeling rejected. Reality was that I had to talk to someone in order to instigate a conversation, and I wasn't doing that. With depression I over-analyse so much stuff, it's ridiculous. A huge step forwards is to know that I do it, and make allowances as much as I can. I had a really bad week last week, and this is the tail end of it.

I made it to the mindfulness class this week. Really pleased that I managed to get there. It was good, and because I was early the tutor was able to fill me in on what they'd done last week. Still not practising it at home. Must try to do it a bit, realistically it's not going to happen every day. Wish I could say the reason was because I'm so busy, but it's just hard to get anything done lately.

Going to eat something. I know I feel better if I eat properly. That is so important, but when my mood is low I don't care what I eat.

IT twit!

I really thought I was fairly competent when it comes to IT stuff. Wrong! So wrong, I am quite ashamed of it. I've been trying to register my blog in a couple of directories, to get it noticed a bit more. I don't know why I'm saying 'a bit more' because I don't think there's anyone out there reading this yet!

Well, I've managed to register with just a couple of the free directories (can't afford to pay for one) and they state that if I add their logo/link to my blog, it will  help. I have tried and tried, but I'm obviously doing something wrong. To be honest, I have no clue. Don't tell anyone, will you. Most of the terminology is like a foreign language to me *sighs*. Never mind, it's doing me a lot of good to be getting this down 'on paper'. I'd just like to know if anyone else identifies with it.

Highs and lows

A day full of highs and lows today. I believe I said in my last post that I always try to find the positive, well today has tested me a little.

Nothing drastic, nowt life or death, but nevertheless several things have affected my mood today. I probably won't get these in the order that they happened, never mind.

The buyer was supposed to come and pick up my car today. It sold on an ebay auction and the winning bidder could not come for a week, so I said that was fine and he was coming this morning. I gave a window of 11am to 1pm, and he responded saying he'd be here at 11am, so that I could get on with my day. He even offered a deposit via paypal and I said that was fine, he could pay on the day. Well, that's shot me in the foot! He didn't show up, he didn't respond to my text and when I tried phoning, his phone's off. I'll give him 24hrs to get in touch and then put it back up for auction. I'll have to wait another week then :( and that's only if I get another bidder. Not happy. I even dusted in the living room :/

The postman came with discount card for a department store (not exciting, can't afford to buy at the mo), a craft magazine with a free member's gift - very exciting! And a little packet with my new phone cover - yay! Very, very exciting! My phone is an ongoing saga, it's old and if you look at it the wrong way it gives you all these little red warning logos and says the memory's full. The memory is most definitely not full, there's nothing in it hardly! Add to that, it keeps vibrating and turning off and on again at random moments. It's very weird. I think it's having a mid-life crisis, it's certainly old enough.

Then the cute husband came home early, fabulous because the World Cup game had just started... and we lost. Words fail me here. There may be tears. We're out of the Cup. Valium sandwich, anyone?

I think there was something else, but I can't remember. My memory is rubbish. If you have depression as well, is your memory affected too?

I've come back to edit this entry because I remember what the other thing was now. It was a year ago today that we lost our lovely dog. He became ill very suddenly and was very poorly for about 6 weeks. He had stopped producing red blood cells, he had 3 blood transfusions and a couple of other procedures but nothing would kick start his body to produce red cells. The vet told us he should have around 48% red cells, and his registered just 6%. We took him home and buried him in the back garden. That was no mean feat, he was a big dog.

So you can see why today was so full of highs and lows. The emotions tire me out big time.

I saw a good quote this morning:

Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult.

You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

I am just loving the cactus analogy! A coping strategy which I frequently employ is to find a positive in something that I am having to go and do, when really I don't want to do it. Sometimes it's been possible to take my dog with me. She's a comfort blanket for me. Very often it used to be that I would be driving my car to get there. Can't do that any more, it gets picked up tomorrow :( but we won't go there again, eh?

The point I'm not too successfully making is that if you can find something positive in a situation, you have something to focus on or something to look forward to. I find this works wonders for me.

This evening my choir have a full concert, and my cute husband is coming to hear us for the first time. There are two songs that I am a little shaky on the words. We are performing in the church that my Grandpa was a churchwarden in for 49 years. I haven't been back there since his funeral. So emotions are running a little high! Now I am not religious at all, I'm atheist. But I know that walking in and just smelling that smell... I shall feel 10 years old again! Anyway, I digress, my positive in this will be to focus on the one or two songs that I really like, and enjoy them. Then afterwards, ch and I will come home and there is the rugby to look forward to on Saturday afternoon.

I don't know whether I can copy a link here, but I'll have a go. This is my choir singing; the men are singing I Believe and the ladies are singing Ave Maria. I love it and I really hope you do to:

Choir singing I Believe/Ave Maria.

I hope that works, I'm not very good at this lark. Let me know what you think, won't you?

Fairly good day today really. Started off awful, didn't want to go out. I knew I would feel like that because I've had such a bad few days recently. Made myself go, it was to a women's group. I still don't totally understand what it's all about, we just chatted this morning, but it was good and it made me very glad that I'd made myself go along. I have a mental health worker who picks me up and takes me there.

While I was there, the subject of a place I used to work came up in the conversation. I am such a different person now, the depression has changed me so much. I said it though, I said that before I was poorly I used to be Deputy General Manager there. Wore the funny outfit and everything (the posh suit). To see me now you would never think that I used to hold a position like that, and I don't usually mention it. I'm a bit proud of myself that I was able to say it today.

Depression has changed me, it has shredded my emotions and given me a level of anxiety that gives me the shakes quite often. It has also changed my outlook on life as well though, and I mean this in a very good way. I used to do a very demanding job, usually 9 - 16 hours a day, depending what was happening. I was only paid for a seven and a half hour day, being salaried and simply paid to do "the job" regardless of how many hours this might take. It was like being on a roundabout and unable to get off. I can't believe I did it when I look back now. My outlook now is to work with as little stress as possible. I thought I had accomplished this with my first attempt at a return to work, but that turned out to have a lot of stress too. Everywhere you turn employers are looking for you to pack as much work as you possibly can into the hours you work. Don't misunderstand me, I can work hard. My 16 hour days account for that. They were to start at 06:20 and finish at 01:00. Hmm, that's more than 16... I never said my maths was any good, did I?!

This time, when I am well enough to look for a job, I'm going to find something in a little shop. Something local. Somewhere where I can look after stuff, and talk to customers a little. And if anyone so much as asks me to do the banking, I'm gonna plead dyslexia or something! It won't bring in much money, but it will be more than I'm bringing in at the moment. The days of trying to stay awake once I was home after work are gone. Quality of life is far more important.

I've tried all sorts today. I've showered, had something to eat, had a coffee (for the caffeine) and tried listening to music. Nothing works for me today, still I'm crying. I can't have any company because they would ask too many questions and they would look at me funny. You know the look. And they would hug me. I do not like to be hugged. Not. At. All. I do it because it's expected of me, but it's very rare that I want it.

The only person I need to be near to me is the cute husband. His hugs are lovely. He's out at work at the mo, earning a crust and all that. More guilt hits me: I should be well enough to work and bring in some money, then he could work less. Yes, I know all about how I'm not supposed to think that way - but just how?? Automatic negative thoughts and all that. I have trouble stopping them, the buggers get in through all the cracks. I have a lot of cracks (wry face).

The sun is out, the sky is blue. It's cold but sunny. So why is it not sunny in my head, pretty please? There are people out there, walking about. I can see them. So why me and not them? Do it to Julia (Orwell).

Today is awful. I can't think straight, it's been like this for three days now. Thankfully I haven't had to go out and the phone hasn't rung. The last two days I've slept a lot, trying to shut out the world. I've raised my head above the parapet a couple of times to go onto facebook and click 'like' to a few things, so folks won't notice I've disappeared for a bit. Today I've had a shower (vast improvement) and I've put on some laundry, and I'm here talking to you!

Why can't I just be real and tell everyone what's happening with me? There are a couple of reasons really:

a) I don't want anyone to worry about me. This is not an entirely selfless reason. Yes, I don't want them to worry, but if they worry about me they will ask more questions, they will forever look at me sideways to see if it's happening again. I just don't want to go through the whole 'talk to me, tell me all about it' routine, it's too exhausting. Better to hide here and say nothing.

b) I may have to discuss whether some other form of treatment would be good for me, or a change in my meds. I don't want to go to counselling again. One lady told me to give my emotions a colour and a shape and then to mentally throw them off a cliff. That's not for me, thank you very much. The other one, told me I had never grieved for my mother. He seemed to think this was the root of my problems. As for my meds, it has taken a long time to find this combination that works for me, most of the time. I have two people who frequently ask why don't I come off all medications, to see  how I really am (really?) and then start again. Words fail me on that one. I am taking a lot of meds, currently 2 anti-depressants and a mood stabiliser. I don't know why my mood still dips sometimes, but I dread to think what would happen if I came off them all. It's such a stupid thing to say. I mean, you wouldn't suggest it to a heart patient, or a cancer patient!

No, it's far less complicated to say nothing.

Okay, very short post today. If you caught a glimpse of me today you would be forgiven for thinking I've lost the plot a little. You see, I know that I will have to be doing more walking to get from a to b, now that I don't have a car. To this end, I thought I would try on my old walking boots for comfort. So here I am traipsing around the house in sloppy old clothes and these huge ginormous boots. They feel SO huge! I can't see this working, I need good reasons for going outside, but big fat clumpy ones.

When I know I'm going to have to do something that I know will pull my mood down, I try to find a little positive to look forward to. It might be something as simple as the top I'm going to wear. Because I'm at home all the time I'm always wearing old clothes, so knowing I can wear something nice can be a lift.

I had a present of a digital keyring several years ago. I loaded it with photos to lift me, they were mostly of my pets and my husband. I could look through these in any situation and it would a) life my mood and b) take my mind away from whatever was stressing me out at that particular moment. It broke down eventually, but was a great tool for me while it lasted. Now I use the photos on my phone for the same reason. They are all of the pets, and there's one of cute husband. It works on so many levels, my lowered head makes me look busy, and kinda 'don't speak to me' and the photos sometimes cheer me up a little.

I'm kind of having a 'wading through soup' sort of a day, do you know what I mean. It's like everything so SO much effort. It's even hard work just to walk up the stairs. I can't think straight, so I apologise if some of this is a little disjointed. I forget everything. I think of something that I need to do, and by the time I reach the next room, it's gone and I have no clue what I was about to do. So embarrassing when talking outside to someone, I completely forget what I was saying. Does this happen to you? What do you do to help in this situation?

One of the annoying things in that situations is having someone say 'oh yeah, I do that all the time'. No. You don't. Not unless you have altzheimers or something. It's perfectly normal to forget stuff, but not this much. When people say that, what I hear is 'oh that's nothing, stop being so silly'. If you're someone with depression I think you know exactly how that makes me feel.

 I'm going to go back to me bed again for a while. I think my mood is sliding backwards a bit, but equally I think I'll feel a bit better when I wake again. Fingers crossed.

Okay, well I've transferred the first three entries from a previous blogging site that I started a week ago. This place seems a whole lot better :) I think you're able to add comments to my entries, so please tell me what you think. I have no real idea what I'm doing. Please don't be too negative though, I shall cry. Then I won't see straight, then I'll spill my drink, then I'll short out the electrics, then I'll start a fire and we'll all be homeless. So please, be gentle.

Although today is Saturday I have the place to myself today. The cute husband is on a course every Sat for a while. It's so quiet. I'm trying not to beat myself up about the lack of cleaning that I'm doing. My back is bad and the arthritis in my right hand/wrist makes it hard to grip things. So I've waved the hoover about a bit downstairs and it looks a bit cleaner now. Well, it does if you kind of squint a bit. I have one of the cats for company (I have 2) but she'd rather sleep.

Lately I have pretty much resisted the temptation to go back to my bed during the daytime. I did sleep about an hour a couple of days ago, but that turned out to be most fortuitous as it was later that night we went down to accident and emergency with a family member. Boy was I glad I'd had a little sleep during the daytime then!

I guess I am going out of the house a bit more these days. There's a mindfulness course weekly, and a women's group weekly. Not too sure what the latter is all about yet. I even went to the self-help depression group this week. Am positively painting the town red. Well, a wishy-washy sort of pink anyway.

My husband bought me a t-shirt the other day. He knew I would love it, but they didn't have my size. He bought it anyway; it's two or three sizes too small. Think 'red marshmallow with fun cushions' and you're about there. I've never liked a neckline right up to my throat, you know what I mean, a rounded t-shirt neck. So I thought I'd cut it out and make it a sort of scoop neckline. I think it's called a boatneck. If that's correct, then I think mine's sprung a leak! I've cut it far too big and it's falling off both shoulders - oops! It definitely takes your eye away from the tummy though!! You'll be wondering why I'm wittering on about this. Well, some time ago this whole failure of cutting the neckline would really have gotten to me. I know I would have thrown it down believing I was a failure and had ruined it. There would have been tears (and we all know where that would have lead!) and it would have put me in a very low mood. So now it's showing me just how far I have come, that I am able to deal with something not turning out the way I  had planned, and not see it as a disaster. Big plus point.

It all comes back to the little steps. One little step forwards does not seem like very much at all on its own, but seen with all the other little steps that have been achieved over the weeks, it is fabulous. Sometimes there will be one step backwards, that's okay too. Overall the direction of movement is positive, it is forwards.

Almost like being a teenager again? Really? Well, no, not in a good way anyway. I haven't stayed up all night and then gone to bed at 7am since I was a teenager. Reality, the reason was that we took one of my family into the Emergency room last night and were there for seven and a half hours... words fail me... sense of humour almost failed me...

We arrived there bout half ten and she was having observations every couple of hours, having fallen and hit her head earlier in the day. If I'd had prior knowledge that I was to go and sit in a waiting room for that long, well let's just say I'm glad it didn't know, it all came as a glorious surprise! Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lonely, I had plenty of company. My cute husband had gone with her thru to the 'other side' for treatment and I was in the waiting room under a pile of coats and handbags. I was in the right place - I had the drinks machines, Ha! I also had a friendly drunk who wanted to talk to everyone (couldn't understand most of what he slurred) a handful of police with a crim in cuffs, and an over-friendly daddy-long-legs. I was coping well with all but the big-leggy thing who kept flying at my head. The place had been like an oven when we arrived,  but working out how to get the windows open had this very shuddery drawback, uuurgh! Makes my scalp itch just typing about it. (pauses to scratch).

My way of coping was to bury my head in my phone playing solitaire, that way folks pretty much left me alone. My phone is old and lacks the capacity for more games or music, so solitaire it was! I felt it best to stop when my battery got to 20%, just in case I might need to use is as, well, as a phone. So I tried watching the tv in the corner. I can state categorically that there is nothing on the tv in the early hours to warrant staying up for! Happy drunk was now chatting to me on a regular basis. Escape to the toilet was temporary, he wanted to know if I was 'awrritte' as soon as I emerged again. Could have been worse, at least he was happy. I think he and his wife were frequent flyers there, they were being allowed to sleep it off on the chairs for a good few hours before they were seen.

Two bottles of water and a Kit Kat later (a veritable feast) they finally said she was okay to go home. I still can't believe we were there that long, it was getting flippin daylight at 7am when I was pulling our bedroom curtains to go to sleep. The cute husband lost a day at work, but he has to not work about a week each school term as their contract does not provide work for the full term. So at least that's not too bad. Now though my stomach says it's lunch time, and it's almost time for bed! It's like being a shift worker again!

My lovely car is still outside. The chap isn't coming until next Saturday for it now. I wonder if I can put a photo in here? I'll have a go... hang on... talk amongst yourselves for a minute...

So that's what it looks like. I am chuffed to bits that the chap buying it has a fuel tank ready to fit on it. Still gutted to be losing it tho :( I wonder where the heck he got the tank from, I search all over the place. It's 18yrs old and eee they don't make em like that any more!

So I shall have to continue to see it as a constant reminder of my financial state, for another week :'(

My mood? It's only been the latter part of today that I've kind of got in touch with how I'm feeling. You know that thing where, when something urgent happens you kind of shut your own emotions in a box to be able deal with the emergency? That leads to all sorts of adrenalin charged emotions, it's very draining. So as well as being up so late (or early!!) there is a lot more involved from an emotional perspective. Plus, I take all my meds at night, and so I was 8hrs late taking them. The only one I was particularly concerned about was the lithium, as it can cause nausea and other nasties if it's withdrawn suddenly. If I'd had any sense I'd have slugged a couple down at 10pm when the family member first rang us. But it's not something you think about at a time like that, is it.

I am wondering whether I'm  doing this blog right. Should I be typing it in this part, I mean, shouldn't I be able to add things like photos as I go along? All this is very new to me, so if anyone knows the answer to this, please tell me!

I think I am rambling along with only myself for company. I don't understand the part about how to get your blog seen. Even when I search for it myself I can't find it, and I know what it's called!! Who to ask? I have no clue.

Well, day two and we're all still here! Whoop Whoop - Go Us!

Today is a day of enforced positives. I'm not sure if that really makes sense, but it's my way of saying I simply have to find the positives because there is something very negative happening today. I am selling my car. I know, I know, it doesn't sound like much at all, but having a car gives a certain feeling of independence, even if I don't leave the house very often to use it. I don't think I have been without my own car since, oooh the early 80s. 

Now, though, it's got to go. I added up the costs and a concervative estimate was about £900 a year! So, I've also worked out that equals £17.31 a week on bus fares. Like that's ever going to happen!

Okay, the positives. There is always a positive side to everything, alledgedly. I would probably disagree with that, but then go find me a depressive that wouldn't! Anyway, now I no longer have to stress out about parking, getting in and out of the vehicle. No worries about getting wet and stinky feet on the garage forecourt - petrol tank has a leak. I can get my hair washed on the way to the bus stop - yes, it poured down! And just think of all the weight I'll lose! Hmmm, good luck with that one.

I went out last night, used cute husband's car. I belong to a self-help group for people with depression but hadn't been along for ages. In fact, I think that last night was only the second time this year. They were lovely though and made me feel very welcome. I really don't know why I don't go more often, it does me such a lot of good to talk with them. But then, I don't know why I don't do a lot of things. I said I was going to go out and walk with the dog more. Well, that happened once. I think it's the whole 'going out' thing that I want nothing to do with. I think I'll just stay here, and hide when the postman comes. And don't get me started on the window cleaner. Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely lad, but I still sit on th stairs (no windows there) and do my best to sit on the dog (tooo loud)

For anyone who's reading my entries (I have not idea how you found me!) I'm gradually learning a bit more about the look/layout of this page/site/thingy, so I hope to be able to improve the overall look of the thing soon.

Right, I may pop back later when the auction for my car finishes. I'm warning you there may be tears!

Well, here we go. I shall try to keep this going for as long as I can. My depression was diagnosed back in the 90s, but I think I've really had it since childhood. It's not easy to manage it, but I've learned a few coping strategies along the way. I shall try to tell you more about me as we go along. If I can manage to activate the 'contact' button then I would welcome any responses that my reader may have.

Just a short entry for today, while I fathom the workings of this website. Wish me luck, and I'll hopefully be back soon!