God, politics and Father Christmas.

When children in the UK are small they are usually told about Father Christmas by their parents. They believe the stories because, after all, their parents have spoken, so it must be true. Not only that but their teachers, other adults and other children all believe it too, so it MUST be true.

Not once do they question the logistics of this jolly old man. He travels the whole world in one night; he knows whether every child has been naughty or nice; he knows exactly what every child wants for Christmas. He visits every house by coming down the chimney, that one has been amended in recent years to his arriving via the front door with a special key if there is no chimney in the house. No child asks 'How does he do that?' or says 'That's not possible'. They accept it all, and all because of where the information has come from - the grown ups, their parents.

It's my belief that this is the way it is with politics and with God.

God is so woven into our society with the church teaching us that god is real and people have believed this since Adam was a boy (literally!) so it must be true. We cannot stand up and say he does not exist, his name is on our bank notes for heaven's sake! It was taught to me from being a small child, and I believed every one of the bible stories without question.

In the world of politics our government tells us what we should have, how we will have it and that preferably we should also be very grateful for it! Our government is a big body of intelligent people, aren't they? So they must be right.

With all of these things, god, politics and Father Christmas, it is only when we grow up and question the things that are placed  before us that we can begin to make our own decisions about what it true.

Many people do not question though. Many will carry on blindly following the path created by their predecessors. I'm talking about god and politics here. I know a few people who continue to vote for a certain party because their father used to vote for them, they must be the right choice. More continue to accept the teachings of the bible even when they are 'cherry picking' the parts they wish to believe, mainly because 'it's always been this way'.

Coming back to Father Christmas. As a child I eventually knew there was no such person (spoiler?!) but now as an adult if I'm asked the question I'd say that yes, I do believe in Father Christmas. I believe in the spirit of Christmas that he represents, the spirit of giving. The spirit of Christmas for me is all about spending time with family, giving each one a gift carefully chosen for each person, eating and talking together. Not both at the same time though, that would be messy. 

I don't believe in the religious side of Christmas as I'm atheist. I will peacefully sit while you follow the religious side of it, should you wish to, but I believe it's just a nice story.

My point in all this, is that when we mature, we should ALL be encouraged to question the beliefs taught to us as children. We need ask why this is the truth, and decide for ourselves.

Small example, kind of from the world of politics, well from the government anyway. Years ago when we needed to have electricity spread across the country, electricity pylons were erected. Hundreds of these enormous pylons linking the electricity wires across the whole of the UK. Nobody raised a hand and said 'We don't want those in our backyards!' Why? The government said we needed them, so we had 'em! Just think what would happen today if it were suggested we have huge pylons everywhere, there would be outcry! There is often a hell of a fuss when one wind turbine is erected. Nowadays we consider everything our parliament puts forward, and we are not afraid of making our voices heard.

In closing, this is not the 1940s/1950s when we were subdued and accepting. Question everything, and encourage young people to do the same.

Have to force myself to go out this afternoon. I've already cancelled one appointment today but I need to go to this one. I can't communicate, can't talk properly, I'm getting confused with my words and am afraid I'll look a prat.

It's not for anything major, just a haircut. I know I'll feel better for going because I'm constantly feeling that I'm a mess. They chat a lot tho.

If tch isn't home in half an hour with the car though I'll not be able to go anyway. Do I wish for that so as to stay here? Oh, I just want to go back to my bed and stay there. It's all shit atm.

What a lot of not a lot.

Well, there's not a lot happening at the moment. I'm not leaving the house much at all. I went out on the 6th Nov with tch, then not until the 19th Nov. Tch had been given tickets for the rugby, so I went with him. More about that in a minute. I next went out on 23rd Nov, my metal health worker E took me to a craft morning. With hindsight I really wasn't well enough to have gone there, but I did feel marginally better for going. Stress man. The last time I went out was 26th Nov, I had said we would deliver an old palette to a friend, so I could hardly stay at home really.

That's 4 times I've been out of the house this month. Each time I have to go out I get so anxious beforehand, and will often have a bout of diarrhoea as well. Sometimes just the thought of an event looming will make my insides contract. The worst part is not being able to control this, to have shaky hands, need the bathroom fairly urgently and feel in such a state of panic.

The day we had tickets for the rugby was good in a lot of ways, but oh so stressful in others. It was good simply because I went, and in doing so I achieved a lot of things. I must tell you firstly that I have hurt my foot. It's my heel to be precise, plantar fasciitis. Because of this tch drove as close to the stadium as possible and I got out there. Then I was to find somewhere to wait for him to park the car and walk back* to wherever I was waiting. This meant I would be on my own, in a very very crowded city, until he walked back. He had a terrible job finding somewhere to park, drove round and round finding nothing. He said later that there were a lot of other drivers doing exactly the same thing, and we were two hours early for the match. Eventually he ended up paying £15 to park for 4 hours. Then he had to walk all the way back into the city to me.

I quickly found a Starbucks very close by and ordered/paid for my coffee. Although I was listening for my name, I missed it being called: the place was rammed full of people. By the time I asked about it, it was on the side, almost cold. The girl was lovely and made me another one, but I felt so stupid. Anyway, I have learnt how to deal with being on my own and I found a table in the window where I would see tch when he arrived. By sitting with my back to the room I couldn't see how busy it was, and thus I felt a bit calmer.

About an hour later tch arrived, we had another hot drink and then went to the stadium. Match was wonderful, I've never paid £5 for a burger before, I must be out of touch with what things cost. The walk back to the car was awful, I went slowly and stopped a lot. It would have been no good waiting for tch to drive back towards the stadium and pick me up as nothing was moving. We got back to the car, but it was almost another hour before we got out onto the main road. Total gridlock!!

So. I'm very pleased I went, and on the whole it was a very positive experience. I swear to you that nobody would know how unwell I am. I am very good at doing the sparkly thing. The amount of adrenaline that this takes is huge and I'm very tired afterwards. Why is it so important to do this? Why do I want to hide my mental health condition so much? I think maybe it's less stressful if people don't know. Does that make any sense at all?

 I was supposed to be going out today, to the craft thing again. Made an excuse, couldn't cope with it. There will be other days, I'll go another day. Just want to stay at home and sleep a lot.

The importance of a little bit of peace.

We are all speeding through our days, life has us on the fast track whether we want it or not.

My life is generally at a very slow pace but that fast track is all relative. Often it feels as though everything is moving too fast for me. I am not well enough to work at the moment but still life can get on top of me. I've not been well just lately (depression) and today makes 9 days that I've not been out of the house. I can't cope with people and the smallest thing has me confused. Tomorrow though I plan to go out. My mental health worker is going to give me a lift to a craft class. I really don't want to go, because I would just rather stay here on my own. It's better that way. I've said I'll go anyway.

Tch is in the process of making me a little patio area where I can sit and not be overlooked by anyone. It's not finished yet but this morning I sat out there with a coffee. It's amazing the difference to sit there instead of in the house, apart from the cold that is! No-one can see me, and so no-one will make an attempt to say hello or start a conversation. My neighbours are lovely but I don't want to talk to anyone. Sitting there, with the birds singing, was magical.

We all need that little bit of calm in our lives. Even if you have a crap life like mine, there is still stress in there somewhere. As soon as I replied to the text this morning, to say I would go out tomorrow, my insides started doing somersaults and since then I've had a runny bum. Sorry, too much info? Even thinking about it now makes me feel weak. The trouble is, once I go out for one thing, like the craft lesson tomorrow, one of the girls will suggest we do something else. Something like the cinema or getting together for a coffee. The way I am at the moment I just cant cope with that, and I don't want to give offence by saying no.

Where is your little bit of peace? What is it for? e.g. yoga, meditation or simply sitting and relaxing, like me.

This is my little bit of peace. The garden's a bit of a mess but the view is lovely. Btw, do you like my pallet? I made it from an old coffee table.

Let me bear all...

What was the first teddy bear/doll or other object that you loved as a child?

Mine was a bear, Little Ted to be precise. He was very much worse for wear, his body was held together by one of my Grandad's handkerchiefs and all his limbs were just straggly bits of fur fabric. He was very small, but then, so was I. There was a family member who used to poke fun at him and threaten to throw him away. I was scared about this at the time, but I doubt she really meant it. Sadly he didn't last very long, his 'injuries' were too severe.

Then when I was in junior school one of the girls had two teddies, in different colours and she gave one to me. This sticks in my mind so much because she gave it to me for no reason other than that she wanted to. My Grandad picked me up from school that day and he saw it when we were walking home. Lots of questions about how I came by it, and I think the parents were later contacted as well. Now I felt guilty, so many questions had made me feel that I shouldn't have it, that it was wrong. I spent most of my home life scared that I'd done something wrong because he was so strict. Always a fierce and accusing face.

It was fine though, and I kept the bear. I think the pupil who gave it to me emigrated, but I still think of her gift and how she made me feel that I was liked.

Was this the reason I became so attached to the bear? He came everywhere with me, wherever I went. I named him Cuddly, and cuddle him I did! I cuddled him so much that he went almost completely flat. His limbs had hardly any stuffing in the main arm/leg, it was all compressed into hard pads in the ends. He had hardly any nose left, I was almost all kissed away. I wasn't happy in my childhood, and I think this little bear was my friend through it. 

So, what makes us choose the toy that we love the most? For me I think it was because of the kindness shown from another little girl, in the gift of the bear. I think there's usually an association involved of some sort, with either a person, a place or a time.

How long did you stick with a beloved toy? I had Cuddly from about 6yrs old and he was with me for years and years. Today though, a child will have a toy, say one from a Disney film, and hug it and love it but only for a short while. They move on to the next one whilst the first toy is left sitting aside. Is this because of the amount of different toys that there are now? Today's child will probably have much more in the way of toys than we had when I was small. Maybe that's why they don't stay with one, that it's forgotten so quickly.

When I was in my 20s and my then boyfriend was moving in with me, he persuaded me to give loads of stuff to a charity shop. Yes, the bear went. I seriously doubt the charity shop would have wanted him so he probably ended up in a bin somewhere. I've regretted that ever since. That little bear got me through some tough years, I'd have preferred to know he was tucked away in a drawer somewhere.

A little learnt about the limbic system.

I've been looking and learning a little about the limbic system with regards to how it may affect depression.

The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls your 'fight, flight or freeze' reaction and it develops very early in childhood. Therefore the very early experiences, sometimes as young as a baby, will help to formulate reaction and have a huge impact on later life.

I've been relating this to my own early experiences, and I believe they have had an impact on my developing depression from adolescence.

My father died 2 months before I was born. Now in those days the mother was kept in hospital for up to a week. My mother knew he had an inoperable brain tumour and so knew he was going to die soon. It's as well to point out at this stage that the baby in the womb would experience the hormonal changes and other chemicals via the placenta. Some people say the baby experiences the emotion as well, I'm not so sure about that. Anyway, my mother knew he was going to die, and then he died 2 months before my birth. She's in hospital with a tiny baby, grieving and no doubt wondering how she was going to manage. Then imagine further, all the fathers arrive at visiting time... that must have been so tough for her.

So eventually she is sent home and she copes with me on her own for about a year. Still grieving for my father. Already the prevalent emotion around me is one of sadness, depression and grief.

I was about 18 months old when she began to show signs of ill health. Headaches mainly, I think. My aunty has since told me that their family doctor said my mother was having a nervous breakdown and was imagining she had my father's symptoms. He told them the best way to deal with this was to 'snap her out of it'. Aunty said she went into my mother's bedroom one day where I was hanging onto the sides of my cot and screaming my lungs out, needing my nappy changed. My mother was lying on the bed, not responding. "Come on", she said, "that baby needs you! Get up off the bed right now!" Aunty said that day haunted her for years and she never really forgave herself for attempting to 'snap her out of it'.

I don't know how long it was until someone took her seriously, because she too had a brain tumour, an inoperable one. The headaches were real, and she was dying. Towards the end she went into a nursing home not far from home. In 2016 we would talk about this to the child, be supportive and include her where possible. This was the 1960s though, where I should be seen but not heard. A child then had no rights. From my perspective my mother didn't want to respond to me and then just disappeared one day, never to return.

I can't begin to imagine the emotions that would have been surrounding me then. Adults crying and I wouldn't have known why. So, the limbic system in my brain is developing surrounded by sadness, loneliness and grief. Here then, I believe, is the start of my depression. So much sadness that sadness becomes the way to be. It is a way of life.

From that time I was brought up by grandparents. My grandad was very strict, and made decisions based on what he thought best.

I think that's best left for another day though.

Yeth, and I'm only thixteen...

Sorry about the title, it's only going to mean anything if you are over 45 and used to watch a certain vet's comedy (in the UK). Well why the title? I have increasingly felt that having a mental health condition equates with having all of one's brain cells euthanised, or at the very least, dopificated. Okay, I made that last bit up. It's true though, I have been spoken down to in a condescending fashion so many tims.

Yes, when I am very low I can get confused. When I'm depressed I'm almost always tired as well, this adds to my confusion. Also, my memory is dreadful and I forget the simplest of things directly after being told. But, I have not been rendered stupid! I recall having to attend an interview to justify my ill health and my need for sickness benefit. During the interview I passed some comment, I can't remember exactly what I said, and the interviewer did a cartoon-like double-take. It was as if she'd caught me out for still having a brain. This from a presumably qualified person. Words fail me. Actually words did indeed fail me on this occasion, I kept my mouth shut as much as possible for the remainder of the interview.

When I first started taking lithium I had the first prescription from the psychiatrist, so it was a month after it was prescribed that I requested a repeat script from my gp surgery. They told me over the phone that they had no knowledge of this and had not received any correspondence from the psych about it. On ringing the psych's secretary, yes they had written to the gp so they should know all about it.

This type of thing has happened on several occasions over the last few years. If I didn't have the wherewithall to sort it out, what the hell would have happened to me? That morning of the lithium thing, I stressed and cried and thought about giving up, not taking it at all being as no-one would give it to me. I knew I shouldn't stop taking it, that it was a drug to come off slowly, gradually reducing the amount. In the end I wrote down who to phone and what to say. I thought if I can't do it then I'll ask tch to do it for me. Eventually the letter was faxed to the surgery and they raised a script for me. Even that sounds simple but it wasn't. It was numerous phone calls, get down to the surgery, wait for the script, go to the pharmacy, wait for the drugs, get back home... collapse.

I really cannot stress this enough. If I did not have the power of mind and speech to sort these things out, where would I be?? I know a lady with a worse mental health disorder, she would in no way be able to deal with a situation like this. What would become of her? I am so very lucky to have my husband's help if I need it, this lady has no partner. In this particular event there was very little help offered by the healthcare professionals. Whist I understand that my problem was not expected and their workload already full, I'm still here and still had the problem.

Everywhere we go these days those who are working are stretched to capacity. Back when I was last in a job we were assessed every day. We had to complete a form daily, being allowed a set amount of time for each task. That's something lik 3.48 minutes for this and 12.55 minutes for that. Crazy. All of my daily minutes against my working hours for that day gave the result showing how much % of the day I had been working. If I didn't achieve at least 98% over a month I would be given a warning, another month and my pay would be docked. I'm quite sure my employers weren't the only ones adopting this practice. Is it any wonder then that there is no time for unexpected problems to show up? Then when those more vulnerable need help with something, often the person on the end of the phone just wants them gone, they haven't got time for this! Some of the time I am one of the more vulnerable, but thankfully when my depression is not so bad, I can deal with things. It's those others though, who's looking after them?

Have you had an experience like this? Tell me about it, please.

Need a bomb behind me

That's what my Grandma always used to say whenever I wasn't moving fast enough or working hard enough. 'You need a bomb behind you' was generally heard directly after a school report had been received or when I was (she considered) dawdling.

Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?

I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.

Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.

I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.

Turmoil, just turmoil

Turmoil, that's where I am. Turmoil.

Didn't want to go out this morning, no change there then. I'm not sure whether I'm glad I went, or not. All the way there I was feeling really disconnected, as though everything was happening a distance away, and to somebody else. We were very late arriving at the craft club with a half an hour left before it finished. I understand about my mental health lady having a meeting first, but it always overruns and then we are always late getting there. It worked out okay for me, I didn't want to be there anyway. I chatted a bit, and a lady showed me a little about book folding. That was really interesting but I don't have the patience for the crafts that I do at the moment without taking anything else up as well.

The turmoil? Well, I've been waiting on an email about accommodation next August and where we need to be is totally booked solid. I'd got to the stage of investigating outlying villages and the park and ride service. However, and here's the part I'm excited about, I have found an apartment, right where we need to be and it's absolutely wonderful. It's knowing we'd have this to go back to at any time is giving me the confidence to go in the first place. I wouldn't have to face a restaurant for breakfast, and it's only down the road to where my family are staying. They replied this afternoon, yes it's available, but it's expensive. He said they usually charge double the price at that time (at least he's honest about it) but will do us a special rate as we're staying 5 nights. My family are paying a big chunk of it as a Christmas present to us both, but it still leaves us paying a big price, plus spending money for 5 days. Am waiting for tch to come home and see what he thinks. I appreciate it's not that much money really, but we rarely go away and money is tight. August is in the school summer holidays and he doesn't get paid for six weeks. Bad timing.

Also, it will be lovely to see my family, well most of them. There is one person who will be there and I really want to avoid her and her husband. I'll not be able to though, and she will badger me to go and stay with her, especially now that I'll have come away for 5 days. I just have to think of a reason why I won't do it, and stick to it. I'm not going to allow her to spoil my holiday. This will be the first time I've been away from home for more than two nights, since 2002. I'm not going to allow anything to spoil it.

All of that is a year away. I need to concentrate on the present and make sure I go out more. I've made an appointment to have my hair cut soon, so I must go out on my own then. I'm going out tomorrow with tch, to the registry office in town. I need a copy of my Aunty and Uncle's marriage certificate. Apparently they can have a telegram from the Queen on their diamond wedding anniversary, and she'll love all that.

Who's a hectic bunn then! To me it feels like it's very busy. To most people they could do all that in the course of a day, but for me it's a lot.

Cross your fingers for me about the accommodation!

Could try harder C+

Well that's how I feel about it, could try harder. Life has been a bit better lately and as always that's when I start to beat myself up, that I could do better if I tried harder. When I begin to do something I want to do it now, want it to work now, not have to do it gradually. Heaven forbid I have to learn to do it, that's when the real impatience sets in. I am a nightmare to train in anything, expecting it to go right the first time I attempt it. It's another thing that I can recognise in myself now, and gradually try to be more patient both with the task and with myself.

For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.

There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.

I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.

It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.

Groundhog Days again.

Life has improved slightly. I've been up since 10ish, and only been back to bed the once, although that was for about 2 hours. Everything does not feel quite so pointless, so that's good. I'm unable to work up much enthusiasm for it though. Last night I had a plan for today, involving making two necklaces and listing them on ebay. None of this has happened. I'm not beating myself up about it though, just feel defeated and a failure.

In the evenings I am usually feeling a bit better. Well, I'm feeling at the best my current level of depression allows. Does that make sense? So, when I'm lying in bed, hoping to go off to sleep I often make plans for the following day. Nothing major, nothing that will move the earth, just something that I think I can accomplish. Then I wake the next morning and feel like shit all over again and like as not I'll accomplish nothing. It's like some sort of evil twisted Groundhog Day.

It's great to feel a little better in the evening and sit with tch, watch tv a bit and have a conversation without looking at the clock all of the time and wondering how soon I can go to bed. But, it makes things even worse when I wake up the next morning and lack the strength to move about. Just want to pull the duvet over my head and disappear. Switch off.

Right now it is almost 8pm, and although I feel okay, I am aware that I actively hid from my neighbour earlier. Yes, they've returned from their holiday and there's been a lot of hanging out of the washing and checking on the garden going on. I had to go outside and bring in our washing, tch is out so it had to be me. I was poised to flee at the first sign of another person. Not good. In the recent past I've been able to hold a conversation with them, so it's another step backwards to behave in this way. I have been building it up in my head about them coming back though, so I guess that hasn't helped.

I'm expecting tch home any time now. Because he's out quite a lot later than usual he's buying fish and chips on the way home for us. He's so lovely to do this. I am such a failure that I don't cook. I forget stuff and make a right mess of it. I know I won't always be this way, but it feels like shit. When someone else talks of their home life it's always the woman who does most of the cooking and meal planning. I feel so useless, I am incapable.

Anxiety and mindfulness.

Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.

I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.

Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.

There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.

Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.

Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.

You can take a step back, but don't fall off.

Yes. I've taken a step backwards alright. My depression has worsened over the last few days. It was 4pm today when I was having a shower and putting clothes on. I guess there's one positive in there, I've had a shower and I've dressed. That's two positives, way to go me!

Life feels pretty shit at the moment. I want to be left alone, but tch is so lovely in looking after me that I can't tell him this. He's back in work today (Mon).

I've had a phone message from my mental health worker asking whether I'm going to the craft club on Weds. I really don't want to go. I tell myself that if I stay home I could take the dog out for a short walk, or do some work in the garden. Like either of those things is going to happen. In reality I'll stay in the house and probably sleep most of the time. I can see that it would be a very good thing therefore for me to go out on Weds morning. I don't like it very much though, I hardly know the people there. I know, I know, I won't get to know them either unless I show up a few times. It's like I can't hold a conversation at the moment. I can't think straight, and I get my words muddled. I put things in weird places too. You would almost have to play Hunt the Kettle in our kitchen. It's not that bad, but I keep putting the sugar in the teapot instead of in the mug, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel distanced from everything, as though it's all happening to someone else and I'm outside looking in. So. Result so far, is no result at all. I haven't phoned her back. I could text and say I'm not going, she wouldn't mind, but it would be so much better for me if I could go along. I'm thinking I'll leave it until this evening and text her that I'm not going. I think. Then I'll go and have a guilt sandwich.

More gloom. I've found another small lump on the dog. It's in her haunch, that's the best way to describe it. It's not sitting under the skin as a raised lump. I don't think this is good, I think the raised lump has more chance of being benign. Who am I kidding. I don't think any lump is going to be benign, poor lass. The other two lumps that I've found over the last few weeks don't seem to be growing fast. That's by no means all though. Now she's developed a skin disorder. She scratches, licks and nibbles so much that she has bald patches coming. It's not an infestation, I only wish it was, then it would be treatable so simply. The vet's given me anti-histamines and said if they don't work after four days then they're not going to. That was five days ago. She's scratching etc. a little bit less, or maybe that's my wishful thinking. The vet explained that if it didn't work, there are tablets she could take, but they are known to increase the growth rate of abnormal cells. In other words, she already has a cancer and these tablets would bring it on faster. So what do we do? Not give her the tablets will leave her scratching and her skin getting worse. It's already red and inflamed now. Giving her the tablets will stop the itching and make her comfortable, but the cancer will take her quicker. I'm thinking the answer is there in the word comfortable. It's a very hard choice to make though, we'd be effectively condemning her to a faster death. I've looked it up on the internet and there may be another option, the vet hasn't mentioned this though. It's a steroid injection. Sally would not be able to have them repeatedly, but I think I'll ask the vet about it and how long the effects would last. If she was allowed to have two in a row, and each one lasted a couple of months, then that would be fantastic. We don't expect her to live all that long, not with tumours popping up like she's a gremlin. Was it gremlins or was it furbies? Oh, you know what I mean. You couldn't feed 'em after midnight.

Depression hits hard.

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning. Like a whirlpool it's going round. It's making me dizzy, doo bee dee doo. I did a wonderful impression of a well person today. Held conversations (plural!) and stuff. Why is this stuff so bliddy hard?

 

My mental health worker, E, picked me up this morning and took me to the craft club. All the way there she told me about her son and his college info. I looked at the gutter we were driving past and wanted to be there. Anywhere but on the way to the craft club. I wanted to stay at home and be left alone. But we went and I smiled and chatted, as you do. Tried not to look at the clock all of the time. I took some craft stuff to do, an image to colour, but couldn't do anything. I couldn't think straight enough to do it. I've said I'll see them again next week, I hope things are a bit better then.

Bathed the dog when I got home, she's got several bald patches coming, so I think she'll have to go back to the vet tomorrow. Funny whatever this skin condition is, that it should develop all of a sudden.

The bathroom still stinks, although not so bad now. I've bleached the carpet again and that's improved it a bit.

In short, everything feels like crap really. I always try to see a positive in any situation, but I can't do it this time. When I was at the craft club my shoulders were hurting from the tension so much.  Maybe the pain from my back is affecting the way I feel. I took painkillers before I went out this morning but they wore off by midday. That wears me down, the back pain. Maybe that's what has contributed to this crap mood.

My Precious

What is precious to you?

My idea of what is precious to me has changed a lot over the years. When I was in my 20s and 30s I probably would have said material possessions were the most precious to me. The things that were worth a lot money wise. I still have several of them, they carry memories that I would not be without. I'd have to be pretty broke to consider selling them, to have money, because yes they do mean a hell of a lot to me.

I started thinking about these things earlier when I caught sight of a picture that one of my grandsons gave me. It has flowers on one side (I'm glad his Mum told me they are flowers, they look like ladies with fuzzy hair and giant boobs) and on the other side it says 'to Nana love from...' I have it propped up on a shelf in our bedroom. I used to have it so the flowers showed, but now I have it so the words show instead. You see, he wrote that for me. It has my name and his name and lots of kisses. Priceless.

This is the kind of thing that once lost, can never be replaced. The little things, the thoughtful gestures. Thank goodness for digital phone cameras as now I can capture some of these times. The dog jumping in the sea, loving it even if she only has three legs to jump with now.

Having material possessions which are precious is fine, but having a little moment of love preserved is even more precious.

Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery

A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.

Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.

Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.

Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:

 The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?

I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of  more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.

Shitty few days - where did they come from?

Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.

Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.

I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.

I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.

I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family  live 170+miles away, and are very few.

D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.

Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.

Bad day today.

Such a shitty day today. It's after half past four in the afternoon here and I'm only just up and dressed. I did get up with tch and had breakfast around 10ish, but came back to bed and have slept far too long. It's one of those low days when everything feels pointless and I'm too tired to walk even. To try and be a little bit positive, I've had a shower and pointed the hairdryer at my head, so I smell a little sweeter.

Now there's a thing. Hairdryers and all things hairy. I keep my hair very short and after it's been washed I only wave the hairdryer about to dry it. It requires no styling, other than a bit of gel to spike the top and give it a messy look. Although I do quite like this style, it would be lovely sometimes to have a hair cut that I can style and look a bit better than it currently does. The sole reason that I don't have a styled hair cut is that I am simply incapable of styling it in my current state of mind. It's one of those things that just won't go right, no matter what I do to it. How do I know this? Well, I've tried styling it when it has grown out a little. I know how the hairdresser would do it, but I always end up with something flat and shapeless, and me almost in tears. So it's simpler this way. It's like a short back and sides with a messy bit on top. This is another way that I'll be able to tell I'm getting better - I'll have a hair do!

I really wanted to go out this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself get in the shower in time. This may sound a bit daft, but there's a dog missing locally. She went missing a few days ago, in a wooded area quite close to where I live. There are quite a lot of people out looking for her, and I wanted to go up there and help. It's a very large area that she's gone missing in, and I understand that although she is a large dog, she is very timid and difficult to approach. Maybe we'll be able to go there when tch comes home later.

A complete lack of self confidence.

Such a quiet day today. Tch was out of the house for several hours helping family to take rubbish to the tip. Not something I could have been much help with, requires a few muscles to lift and carry. So I stayed here and got a few little tasks done. I'm noticing that I'm procrastinating a lot when it comes to having a go at my craft stuff. This morning I spent a while cleaning old cutlery in readiness for making dog/cat food forks. When I was finished though I didn't have a try at making one, I've just brought them upstairs and left them in my craft room. These days I only spend time in here on my laptop, it's ages since I actually made anything. Any time I sit here and have a try, I get this 'I can't do this' feeling and everything turns out rubbish. It's a complete lack of self confidence. Recognising it as such is a step in the right direction, I guess.

Flea market and memory problems.

It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.

I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.

For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.

I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.

There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.

Nice day Nanna!

Good day today, even though I went back to bed this morning. It was only because I was so tired, and not thru depression.

It's made a huge difference having tch at home. He's home through the school holidays, until early September. Today I've not accomplished much, unlike the past few days when I've done all sorts of housework stuff. Even so, the day has been good.

The kitten is making me smile a lot. She is wearing a lampshade collar because she's had the op to be spayed. Now every time she shakes herself she falls over. This is not funny. It would be cruel to laugh at her... She's very sweet though, and keeps coming for cuddles (not like her usually) I think she's upset by the vet visits and isn't used to the collar yet.

Had a visit from small grandson N yesterday. We looked after him for a couple of hours. He's just turned six, and lovely to be with. He does not stop talking. At all. I don't mind though, it's so good to see him. He helped Grandad out in the garden for a while and then came in to me for a bit. He is one of the grandchildren that calls me Nanna, and I love it so. To most of them I'm just J but a couple of them call me Nanna. I do so wish I could get more of them to do this, but if I have to ask, well, it defeats the object really, doesn't it.

and Sally aka Tripod is lumpy again :(

Strange day, I seem to have been chasing my tail all day but not got very far. I really feel as though I've not stopped today. I've tidied kitchen cupboards, and thrown out all the out of date stuff. Anyone fancy some oyster sauce, expiry date 2014? No? Aaah, go on! It's all looking a lot tidier now, so I'm pleased with that.

I furminated the dog, that's getting rid of loads of fluffy undercoat. Reason for that is I wanted to wash her, and her fur will clog the plughole if I don't do that first. Seriously bad news, while furminating her I found another lump. It's close to the root of her tail and I think this may be the reason she's been biting in that area. Seems maybe the vet was wrong and her glands weren't blocked, it was this lump irritating her. I'm surprised the vet didn't see it considering it's so close to her bum, and the vet was getting very up close and personal in that area! I've told tch about the lump. He says we'll take her on a few short days out, like the beach where she can lie down and rest a lot. I didn't ask him what he thought we should do after that. I don't think he knows, I certainly don't. What good will it do to have it tested? If it's all fine then that's great but I think it's fairly obvious this is another tumour. If that's the case, it won't change what we do. We have already decided it would not be fair to her to keep putting her through these operations to remove the tumours. I think the plan will be to ask the vet for advice towards palliative care for her. Trouble is, she groans and moans so much anyway, it's going to be hard to know when she's really in pain. The term 'drama queen' was invented for our Sal!

The kitten has survived her operation (spayed) and is still treating us both with a fair degree of caution. Tch more so than me, as he was the one who caught her and took her to the vet. Me good cop, heh heh. She's still a little jumpy as she's still getting used to the buster collar and bumping into everything. She doesn't run from us now, but tomorrow she has her post op checkup and it will be time for the cat carrier again. She may not speak to us for a week after that. She's one step nearer to going outside though - yippee!

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Duvet day and dopey dog.

Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.

I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.

When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.

Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.

Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.

Shaving the dog and sinking fast.

There is a gnashing of teeth to be heard in our house today. The dog was allowed outside this morning, without her lampshade collar. She has bitten into the scab of the surgery wound again. This time I have shaved around the wound so that a dressing will stick to her. Every dressing the vet put on her just fell off in under an hour. Why on earth this couldn't have been done in the first place I really don't know. I think tch is probably feeling a bit guilty for allowing this to happen. It's done now, can't be changed, and dopey dog will be wearing her lovely cone of shame for at least ten days.

I have been cleaning this morning. I've not done very much at all and it doesn't look much either, but I've been at it for a couple of hours. I always think the house is dirty, but now it really is. When I'm low I don't do anything, least of all any housework. I've taken a break for a bit, I needed to sit down for a while. Kind of feeling a bit low, maybe just a blood sugar low.

Not had a shower today, or washed my hair. Both are signs that I'm not too good. I'm so very very glad that I don't have to go out today. Keep telling myself I'll be okay if I can stay here today. Feels like I'm sinking.

Tch has gone to take 18yr old grandson to A&E, he thinks he has damaged his ankle. Our A&E departments are notorious for taking hours to process a patient, so let's hope they're hope before dark!

So, my Saturday so far has consisted of shaving the dog and cleaning the kitchen. I certainly know how to live.

Happy dog and sleepy bunny

It's two o clock in the afternoon, so it's the middle of the day for me. So far the day has been good. We took the dog back for another post op check and they don't need to see her again, so that's great news. Tch mentioned she's been biting at her rear haunches and it seems her glands were blocked. I simply cannot tell you how relieved that has made me feel. I had jumped to the wrong conclusion that is was yet more tumours developing, but no, just her glands. If she keeps biting, then the vet will teach us how to express her glands ourselves. Deep joy. Can't wait for that one.

It's now half seven in the evening. I had to leave this aside when tch came to sit by me. I don't like anyone with me when I write this. Not sure if I want anyone that knows me to read my blog, it's my outlet to say how I feel and someone who knows me may not like what they read. I pretend to be well so often that I don't want those who know me to know the truth about how I feel. Is this prolonging the stigma of depression? I think maybe it is, but I have to keep it this way for my sanity.

I went back for a sleep this afternoon and slept for about three hours, quite a long time for me. This week has been a very busy one for me and I feel a lot better for the sleep. It was not a case of wanting to go to bed and switch off from the world, as was so often the case a little while ago. I'm really pleased with this progress.

Had some very good news at my appointment with the diabetic nurse. My sugar/glucose levels have improved drastically, a huge improvement. I'm quite surprised to be honest because I still eat a bit too much sugar. Comparing my results to the information sheet given to me on the diabetic course this week, my levels are still in the red zone, too high. The nurse today thought they were improving bigtime, so I'm pleased with than. In January it was 105, and now it's 65. The info sheet said the red zone was anything over 59. Pass me a Turkish Delight, I'm celebrating.

Dog tired and feeling pointless.

Today has been mostly good. We went for the second part of the diabetic course, still very interesting and informative. Bit too much info really, one of the subjects today was portion sizes. I think I'm eating for three. The lady showed us a matchbox and said this is the size of a portion of cheese. Well, I can eat that much cheese while I'm busy cutting up what I need for my meal. Not good. We've decided to try and make small changes, and so to achieve a better and more balanced diet gradually. Very gradually. No, slower than that...

We took the dog out for a walk this afternoon. For the first time ever, ever, ever, she couldn't walk home. We didn't go far, I would guess we were walking fairly slowly for about 20mins. Each time we stopped for a car to go past Sally sat down and sometimes laid down. She would not have done that six months ago. We got to a point where she just stopped and looked at us and then laid down. This is so unlike Sal. We used to walk miles, there's a scenic drive close to home and we'd walk the 10 miles from home, all the way round the drive and back home again. Tch walked the short distance home and brought the car to take her back home. We're both worried about her. Although the histology on the recent tumours says they're pretty confident it's all removed, I think she's already developing something more. Her breathing gets very laboured after only a little activity. Well, it is what it is, I guess. We shall just have to wait and see how she goes.

I'm having little short spells of really low mood. Most of the time I'm really good, but occasionally I just drop like a stone and think 'what's the point of all this' 'I may as well not be here'. I don't say anything to tch because I really don't want to talk about it. It kind of passes, but leaves me feeling emotional. I think it's good that I can recognise them, and to know they will pass, but in some circumstances the emotion can be embarrassing. If anyone is there with me and my eyes fill up with tears it's inevitable they will ask questions. How do you say to someone 'I'm just feeling suicidal' It's not going to happen. The minute I tell anyone at all, they'll tell somebody else and they'll all be watching me from the side and wondering what I'm going to do next. Nope, bottle it up, that's what I think. I know doing that's not good, but it's a damn site better than the alternative.

The Inbetweener.

This is the day in between course days. We shall be attending the diabetic course on a Tues and Thurs, and today is Weds and I'm feeling very tired. On a usual week I would be picked up this morning to go to a craft class. My mental health worker E takes me and brings me home. I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this during the course weeks, for me it's too much.

To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.

All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.

Started the diabetic course today.

This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.

I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.

Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.

Can I have some good news, please? Huh?

Well, we've had the news about the two tumours removed from lumpy-dog Sally. It's not good, both were tumours. We already knew the large one was a mast tumour, but the small one (the one the vet didn't think was a tumour at all) is a nasty one, and quite rare. It stems from the follicle, I think. The report indicates they think all the bad stuff is removed, so let's hope they're right. I suppose the good news is that Sal is oblivious to the whole situation, unaware that death could be just around the corner. She's quite happy. Apart from the fact that she has to wear the lampshade collar, which of course is all our fault and so she gives the cold shoulder frequently. Until a treat is offered. What a tart!

Tch has started the summer break and is off work until early September, in line with the Summer holidays. A break in the lovely weather, it's pouring with rain, so we're confined to the house today. I love the times when I don't have to go anywhere, it relaxes me a little. It's Sunday today too, so no delivery/business folk will knock the door. Bliss. Today I don't even feel guilty for enjoying staying at home, just the two of us.

We went to see my middle stepdaughter R yesterday, one of our grandson had a birthday yesterday. Lovely visit, we don't see them often enough.

Quick update on the smelly cat situation. We think we've stopped the kitten peeing behind the sofa... yay!... but now she sometimes pees on the bathroom carpet. Same place as the elderly cat does it. I suppose it keeps the problem contained to one area. Still stinks in there though. I intend to ask the vet tomorrow whether she's old enough to be spayed. Once that's out the way and all healed, the cat flaps can be opened, and we may need to fork out for a new carpet!

Here's the little cutie kitten:

I know, she looks so innocent. To be fair, it's the elderly Katie that's creating the problem. She's getting old now, I dread something happening to her.

My mood's been quite good lately. I haven't been out very much, my mental health worker is on hol this week and so won't be taking me to the craft club. Also, I told her I wasn't going last week. I am so happy about this, I know I shouldn't be like this, but I don't want to go out and this way I don't have to! I went to the gp surgery for a blood test, does that count as going out? I think so. It went really well too. I was only booked for diabetes check, but she agreed to do lithuim (should have had it 5 weeks ago) and vitamin D (should have had it eons ago). I thought I may be frowned upon at the very least as both were so overdue, but all was fine. Phew!

Back to the vet in the morning, again, to have Sal's wound checked. It's the surgery scar that she bit into. Slight problem for me, I need to be feeling well (depression-wise) to do this. It's because everyone, and I really mean Everyone, wants to talk when they see Sal. She had a leg amputated in March, and in addition now has two surgery scars and a cone on her head. Everyone I meet is all, 'Awww, love her, how did that happen?' I never thought she'd cope being recently on three legs and new wearing the cone, but she does really well.

This is Sally, after the amputation but before the new tumours developed:

Can a person choose to be happy?

Can a person choose to be happy? A lot of people seem to think so, but I'm not so sure.

On a day when I am feeling ok, that's not very depressed but not completely well, I may be able to find something that will lift my mood. Music can often do this for me. Maybe I can find something I want to sing along to, that would be great. Is this choosing to be happy?

If I am feeling low, I will most likely be at home refusing to go out, and maybe in my bed trying to switch off from the world. When I'm like that, very little can lift my mood. Usually if I interact at all it is to feel guilty for not doing something. Like when I hear people out in their gardens working/mowing the lawn. Then I just feel overwhelming guilt. There is no choosing happiness there.

I can usually see the positives in a situation, but I will see the negatives first. Being able to see the positives does not make me able to feel happiness for them though.

No, I don't think a person can choose to be happy. I think that only a well person can do this.

I can give the appearance of being happy. When I interact with anyone other than tch I will put on 'the sparkle' and pretend to be happy and lively. The longer that I have to do this for, the more exhausted I will become. You'll notice I say that I have to do this, I say that because I can find no other way to cope with others. If I were to allow even a tiny bit of how I am really feeling come out, I think I might crumble completely. Then questions would be asked and I would have to talk about it.

I cannot talk about my mental health to anyone other than tch. Other people rarely understand depression and will often offer advice. Advice that they think will sort out 'my problem'. As if I wouldn't have tried this years ago already. People can usually only relate to their own experiences, so they remember how they felt when they were a bit low. That is not depression! That's like a person having a heart attack with someone trying to treat them for heartburn. Nuff said.

I've not done very much at all today, I've been feeling so tired. Yesterday was such an active day for me, most unusual. So I've slept rather a lot today.

Tomorrow, I'm very worried about tomorrow. The dog is going in for surgery to remove a tumour. When she went in to have the first tumour removed in March, they phoned us during the op to say she would need to have her leg amputated in order to remove all of it. This second one feels like it's in her upper gasto tract, well it's in her side anyway, so I am so afraid they'll ring with bad news once they've opened her up. I asked the vet if she might be in pain with it and she said that was very unlikely, but Sally keeps licking the area where the lump is and she moans and groans such a lot that I think she probably is in pain. So, all we can do is to take her in for the op and hope for the best. I just keep looking at her and thinking she'll not be with us for much longer.

What a positive day!!

Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.

First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.

I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.

Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.

The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.

My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!

When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.

Good weekend.

Life in Smellyville is improving greatly. The bathroom now smells strongly of Domestos, it's like walking into a public swimming baths. I've been recommended a product to deter the cat from the area, so I'm hoping that will be a winner on two levels. Firstly to stop her peeing there, and secondly to get rid of the smell of the bleach. I know bleach is a no-no for this kind of thing, but I just couldn't stand the stench of cat urine any longer. I am so glad we didn't have any visitors during that time, I would have been mortified because of the smell. This whole problem has had a big effect on my mood.

I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.

Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.

Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.

This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!

I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.

Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!

Fairly good day. Bad news about the dog.

To begin on a positive note, I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm sure that's because tch is on a day off and with me for most of the day. It's having someone to talk to that makes all the difference. Which is mad because I will almost never choose to  ring/visit anyone, choosing instead to stay at home alone. I get so worked up and anxious when I go out, so it always seems easier to not do it.

Today though I've been to the hairdressers. I always have a wet cut, purely because it's the cheapest option. To have a cut and blow dry costs more. So usually when I come out of the hairdressers I look a little weird, having the hair cut, but not styled. Then I'll go straight home, feeling self conscious. Today when I arrived home, having driven myself I might add, yay! go me! tch was going out straight away to collect eldest stepdaughter, and I decided to go with him, to get out a bit more and to see her. After that we had a look in a little craft fair in the village and then poked around in a second hand shop, where tch bought a chair. I am tired now, but am really really glad that I managed to do so much today.

Ok, now the negative. The vet phoned with the histology results for the dog. She has a mast cell tumour. It's not sitting on the surface just covered with skin/fur, it's more inside her intestines. To be honest, it's not looking good. She had a cancerous lump removed in March, she had to have her leg amputated in order to take it all away. She's booked in for surgery to have this one removed a week today. Then they'll send it off for testing, so it will probably be about two weeks before we know what we're dealing with. Not good.

I've done nothing about the whole cat-pee saga today. It's just the same and I'll tackle it another day.

So apart from the shitty news from the vet, it's been a very successful day for me.