Where'd life go?

Hello folkies, I've not posted for a few days. I'd like to say it was because I was so busy, that I had a life, but no. I've been pretty much nowhere and done nothing.

I'm stressing about Christmas. I'm trying not to let the anxiety take over my life, but even I have noticed that I don't cease fiddling with my fingers/hands even when I'm supposedly sitting relaxing.

I've learnt a lot about anxiety over time, and now I try to think through everything that's going on at the moment in my life, and try to pinpoint the things that are making me most anxious.

Now it's the whole going away for the day that's the main worry. We're not staying overnight, I've been able to tell them that I don't want to be away from  home overnight. I had been going to lie and say I'd left it too late to book the dog into kennels, but I know that if I give an actual reason like that (even if it's a lie) it's possible for someone to suggest an alternative. So I've told the truth and this will also show them that I'm not well. They seem to want me to sparkle so much and in the past I've hidden my emotions and played along. That leads to so much adrenaline, and leaves me exhausted afterwards. Anyway the news was accepted and no-one has tried to persuade me to stay. Yet. Someone did say 'see how you feel' as though I could decide whether to stay over on the day. I was too tired to point out I would need to have my meds with me, and what about the dog.

I really think a lot of people are of the opinion that depression/anxiety is not a real illness. The lady who suggested I see how I felt on the day, about staying the night, she thinks that it won't hurt to go without my meds for one night. It really, really annoys me. No-one would say that to someone with a heart condition. One of the meds I take is lithium. I ran out once and had to go a day without it. I had feelings of nausea and headaches, not recommended. I also take venlafaxine, and mirtazipine also on the highest dose.

Add to that, one family member who will be there has passed comment that no-one has depression for this long. I can't answer that one really.

Then the older generation there, they worry about me and so I feel the need to make them think I'm doing fine. It's like being pulled in all sorts of directions.

This year, I'm going to try very hard to just be me. That's very hard because I've kind of conditioned myself to sparkle and be lively in company for so many years. It reminds me of first going to see the psychiatrist and later the psychologist. These were both strangers to me. For years I've pretended to be fine to strangers (mostly at work) and now I should be the real me and talk to these people about stuff I wouldn't tell anyone. And they were strangers to me. I found it very hard. Anyway, back to this Christmas, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to find a seat with my back to the wall and stay there. I know people will come and talk to me, but I shall tell myself that's because they like me and they want to talk to me. I'm not getting involved with anything else. I've worked out we'll be there about 8 hours.

When we get home we'll have Saturday to get over it, and then we have all my husband's side of the family up to ours. I find that easier. I know there's a lot to do and I'm absolutely knackered by the end of the day, but that's kind of the point. I will have a lot to do. I'm not sitting around chatting, that's the part I find so hard. I'll be making tea/coffee/soft drinks, putting food out, all kinds of stuff really. In short, I shall have purpose. Also, all the adults know I'm not well and accept who I am. I read this quote the other day about Eeyore, it said that all his friends knew he was always miserable but they always invited him along anyway and accepted him for who he was. I thought that was lovely.

My coping strategy for Christmas Day is to sit in one place and stay there as much as possible. If anyone makes that comment I mentioned earlier I shall be calm, but instead of ignoring it like I usually would, I shall say calmly and quietly 'are you saying I should pull myself together?' I will not ignore these barbs, but I will respond calmly.

My coping strategy for the Sunday, when all the kids come up, is to keep busy and to get as many hugs as I possibly can! I think one of the best things is that I know if I don't feel well enough I can just disappear off upstairs and they will leave me alone. It's very calming just knowing that.

Christmas Day there will be 11 of us. Sunday there will be 22 of us.

That's mad. You'd think I'd be more worried about the Sunday. I'm learning that if I keep moderately busy then I cope better. Bring on Dec 28th when it will be all over and life will become quiet again. I love Christmas, but I can't cope with all the people.

It's getting closer.

It's getting closer. Christmas, that is. I think I would love Christmas if we could just stay here, calm and peaceful like. I would like to have ch's family here for Christmas because they will say and do what they like, and I find that to be much more relaxed. We do have them all up one day between Christmas and the New Year and we alternate between visiting my family for Christmas Day and staying home here. Christmas is not relaxing with my family, you'd think it would be because there is little or no work to be done in preparing for it. I am very on edge the whole time, have to be sure I do the right thing. Everything is set in stone, what time everything happens. My older relatives wish things to be done in a certain way. Nice and proper kind of. I must dress smartly, who am I dressing up for? It is upsetting to see so much money spent at Christmas, everywhere, when there are so many homeless people and those living on a very low income. I'm all for having a special meal, but to go so over the top feels wrong to me. The adverts on tv are telling us we must have this and that. It's ridiculous. I've done all my shopping for gifts online so far. I don't like going out. People don't seem to get that. I say it and they seem to think I mean that I only go out about 7 times a week or something. If I go further and say, no, I mean I. Do. Not. Go Out. they look at me as if I'm crazy (maybe I am). Some will say, oh yeah, I'm like that sometimes. Like what? Clinically depressed and on a bucket of medication? Sorry, rant over.

Ringing the changes?

I'm trying to be busy, not a concept I'm normally familiar with! I've had a crap few days, admit that may be due to the reduction in meds, but to be honest I only feel as I usually do. Can't say normal, can I!

So, the general idea now is to be doing something as often as I can. Not completely sure what 'something' is, but maybe if I can make my brain think of other things then my mood will improve. Not a brilliant theory, I know. This morning (yes it was morning and I was vertical) I've been cleaning, and this afternoon I've been finishing off some rings I started the other day. The women's support group that my mental health worker takes me to on a Thurs is concluding this week and I thought I'd make a ring for each of them. They're not bad, I'll try and do a photo...

They're a bit sparkly too, because it's Christmas, but you can't really see that in the photo. As always, I'm not happy with the results. The two at the back I made freehand ages ago, and they're smaller. The ones I've just finished are made using a metal cutting die and they're bigger, too big I think. I guess some people would like them big, different tastes. Well, they are what they are.

That's a phrase I've learnt from the ch, 'it is what it is'. It's all part of learning what I am able to change and accepting that it's no good becoming anxious over something I can't change. It's good, but I admit I still worry. Like these rings. I've used up all the blanks I had, so cannot make more. I know the ladies will appreciate that I wanted to make them all something, but I guess I feel judged and found wanting. In other words, they are not good enough and I've made something second rate. The key thing here is that I've already made that decision and they haven't even seen them yet. Crazy I know, I can't help it, but at least I know I'm doing it. That's a step forward.

I just want to tell you something else. Tomorrow I will go for an ultrasound scan, it's to check they have been able to remove all the cancerous nasties last year. I had a total abdominal hysterectomy at the end of last year, and along with benign cysts and suchlike they found a cancerous mass on my right ovary. The lovely gynae lady said it seemed to be all contained when they removed it, and all was well. I've had a couple of check-ups this year, and this one was to be the last. Before she examined me she said she was going to be happy to discharge me. Then after the examination she decided I needed a scan to check. To someone with depression and anxiety this is something similar to lighting the blue touchpaper! I'm trying not to think about it. I don't know why, because that never works. The ch must have sussed that I'm worried about it, he's taking tomorrow off to be able to come with me. There won't be any info tomorrow though, the results won't be available for about a week. So, this is whirling around in my brain currently. Along with the whole Christmas thing and the stresses attached to that. I am having frequent thoughts of running away and hiding under the duvet, but instead and trying the 'keep busy' thing instead. Cross your fingers for me, will you? I need some luck.