Ranting not so much

Okay, I'm not ranting so much today. I have to accept that no-body reading this cares in the slightest. Once I can get my head around that maybe I'll be a bit more accepting. Now I will just carry on with this for the way it helps me. It gets everything down on paper, sort of, and that helps a little. There are things I can't tell anyone who knows me, some because it's better for me and some because it's better for them.

I had an asthma & diabetic apt today. They were kind enough to make both on the same day for me. I don't like to go out of the house very much, and it may have meant two bus fares otherwise. As it was ch was able to take me. He doesn't work on a Thursday. The reality of that is usually each Thursday get filled up by all the things he can't do on alternate days due to being in work. Either way I see very little of him thru the week. Today tho, he was able to take me down to the surgery. I have tried to have a conversation about disempowering on a couple of occasions, it's great that he takes me to appointments but it would also help me to do stuff on my own occasionally too.

Probably a good thing he took me today tho, with hindsight. I got tearful at the apt, tho I tried hard not to. End result, a gp apt for next week and back on another day for blood pressure and asthma checks. My bp was all to pot because I'd been upset. I tried to calm my breathing while the apt progressed but I couldn't get it to come down.

Had a lovely lunch when we came home, ch had been food shopping whilst I was in the surgery. He's bought me lots of things I like, so I had a lovely lunch of a tin of soup and cheesey bread. Simple pleasures. He's gone out again now, Thursdays being what they are, he's gone to fit in an apt he can't do in a work day.

I was so upset this morning. Probably the tension of going to see the asthma nurse and diabetic one too. I cried the entire time in the shower, ch can't hear me in there over the sound of the water. I wish I could lose this huge emotional feeling, feels like loss. Still not much nearer to knowing why, though I do think it's got a lot to do with the whole childless thing. I have agreed to go to counselling with someone who has been recommended to ch. I don't know, sometimes I can't decide whether I want to crawl into my bed and pull the duvet over my head, or to drive/walk away and never be seen again Both really, have to get a motorhome, eh.

Still here

Still here, still breathing. Still crying far too much :(

I'm trying to drink less. I don't drink alcohol, meds seem to make wine taste funny. No, I mean plain old fruit squash. Weak squash at that. It's weak to reduce the sugar intake even lower, tho I buy the no added sugar stuff anyway. It's just, I'm drinking far far too much in a day. At a guess I'd say I drink about 10-15 pints in 24 hrs. If only that was pure water, I'd have the most perfect complexion ever! I get SO thirsty, probably the diabetes has a lot to do with that. Today I've tried to drink sips instead of gulps. Not easy. You know when your skin goes all wrinkly in the bath? Well I'm pretty sure that's what my insides must look like now.

The crying might be a little better, not sure. I don't think I've cried as much today as yesterday. I'm sure somebody somewhere would suggest that's because I've been taking in less fluids!

Any little thing can set me off. I'm trying to install security software and getting frustrated with it. I can't see how to get in activated on my hudl. The software's designed for laptops, tablets etc. so it shouldn't be a problem. It's always the same, when something goes the tiniest bit wrong, I cry. Makes me sound like a petulant child.

Thanks for all of your helpful comments after my request yesterday. Not. I can see you, y'know. I can see how many read my posts, but not one fecking person can take a moment to help. Thank you, from the bottom of my, well, bottom really. Who gives a shit? Certainly no-one here, that's for sure. I shall just go back to talking to myself then. It helps just to write this down, so I'll most likely continue with this. Now though, I know there is NO help and NO support out there.

As you might just be able to tell, I'm utterly demotivated and demoralised. So feck off and read someone else's blog. Upset them instead.

Well, go on then! Sitting there, reading my inner emotions and hiding out of sight. Shall I do it to you? Let you see that I've been reading your posts and then discard you without a word? No, because I'm not like that. I'd like to think that I'd try to help, offer a supporting comment. Not leave you alone and hanging.

So fuck right off.

Don't come too close, you'll drown.

Something has happened and I'm not sure what it is. For several weeks I can't stop crying. The emotion that wells up inside me is massive and I don't really know where it's coming from. I have a huge feeling of sadness and loss, without any concrete idea of where it's come from.

This morning I cried when I couldn't iron a pair of trousers properly.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. The emotion I'm feeling is sadness. There are no tears of joy. If I'm watching a film and there's a happy-ever-after ending, I don't cry tears of happiness. It's more the opposite, it's tears of sadness, of loss. Loss seems to figure very highly in my emotions. I think it's loss of something that I'll never have. Family, children, grandchildren, good friends even.

I used to spend a lot of time on Facebook. It was my way to keep in touch with my stepchildren and step-grandchildren.

The reason I've had to step away from Facebook is all the things that so many other people shared about having a son/daughter/sister/mother etc. who were so wonderful. You know the ones: 'Share this if you have a daughter who means the world to you'. Now, that's all very lovely, and I'm glad if you have that daughter, but nobody spares a thought for those of us who do not have this and who may be upset by the reminder of that fact.

Let me make this plain and simple:

I have never had a daughter.
I have never had a son.
I have never had a mother.
I have never had a father.
I have never had a sister.
I have never had a brother.
I have never had a granddaughter.
I have never had a grandson.

I have several stepchildren, all grown up. They have their own mother and definitely don't need another one.

I have 12 step-grandchildren, and 3 of them call me Nanna. That's 3 out of 12. It's lovely when one of the 3 call me Nanna, but it's a huge stab to me heart every time one of the others calls me by my name instead. They all call my husband Grandad, and I've been married to him for as long as most of them have been around, but no, I'm not Nanna. Consequently it will always be Dad and me or Grandad and me. Nobody means to actively hurt me, but every single time it happens, I feel it deeply. I see one of my step-grandsons regularly and he totally sees me as Nanna. I just can't tell you how wonderful this is. I just want to scoop him up and hug him. No, the others don't know the hurt they cause, but it doesn't make it hurt any the less.

I can't say this to any of them. They would be upset by it, and if a name-change was forced, well where's the point in that? So I carry not upsetting anybody and feeling more upset and emotional as time goes on.

While I fully understand that there are hundreds of people out there who have had a much much worse life than me, the fact remains that every single time someone posted one of their 'share this' whatsits, it has just shouted at me that I've never had that closeness, and now I never will.

I should also add that while I've never had a mother or a father, I have had grandparents who brought me up instead. Trust me, it ain't the same!
One example: you're 10 and live in a house that is very dark and very old; both grandparents are too old to play with you and are asleep in their chairs in the afternoon. Life is pretty shit and it's another 8 years before you can get out. One other point, elderly people, and I'm talking people in their early 70s, they eat a lot less than a growing child/teenager, and as a result I was hungry. They didn't know I was hungry, I always had a similar portion to theirs. I used to creep into the pantry when my grandpa was asleep in his chair in the afternoon, and take handfuls of dried fruits that my grandma baked with on a Sunday. I wonder what she thought was happening to her supplies? Sorry grandma!

Just going back to the 'Share this' stuff, I also can't say how I feel about them to fb friends, as it might upset them. For quite a while I just said nothing, but now I can't take it with my current emotions, so I've deactivated my account for a while.

I had a hysterectomy a year ago. I was wondering if  maybe I'm getting the menopause now, instead of a year ago because I certainly didn't notice any symptoms then. Maybe that would account for the huge surge in emotions? No idea.

I really, really wish I could say how I feel about all this. Everything that I've written above. I don't say it because it would upset others, and so I say nothing and it continues to upset me and eat away at me.

What would you do? Would you speak out, in the hope that things might improve for you? Or would you keep quiet about it, and continue to hurt??

Happy New Year?

How to make this new year a happy one?

The key to recovery from depression could be for me to find a little job. I think I need to have more purpose in my day. Something with zero stress levels, and about 10 hours a week, to start. I'm not going to look just yet, I need to be well enough to do it every day, not just on the odd day that I'm feeling well.

On a more negative slant, I've resigned from the choir. Half the time no-one talked to me at rehearsal, the concerts stressed me out big time and they were talking about us going away for a break in the Spring. I can't do that. I've written a letter, but have yet to post it. I've made up my mind though. Such a huge amount of stress to find a concert venue, park, sit and wait to go on stage when no-one is really talking to me, and every concert is usually to OAPs. 

Christmas was good. No extra pressure from my family to stay overnight. I was back home before 10pm and safe in my own bed. It's not for me any more. They are living in a different world to me. If they knew my clothes were either gifts or bought from a charity shop, I don't think they would understand it at all. Their Christmas day is very quiet and rather formal. I always used to spend Christmas with them, but now that I've experienced Christmas with ch's kids and grandkids, I love it more. It's chaos and muddled but very relaxed. We don't have much money at all, and our car is falling apart, but my lovely ch gave the person in the toll booth at the bridge £10. It was a lady in our toll booth and she was amazed. It's a shit job at any time of the year, cold and miserable, often getting verbal abuse from motorists. To be doing it on Christmas day is even worse. It may show that we've not much money, but our hearts are in the right place.

I don't do new year's resolutions, for me it's just an invitation to fail. This year I am going to try to have more purpose in my day, and be more healthy. I think that's enough.