Groundhog Days again.

Life has improved slightly. I've been up since 10ish, and only been back to bed the once, although that was for about 2 hours. Everything does not feel quite so pointless, so that's good. I'm unable to work up much enthusiasm for it though. Last night I had a plan for today, involving making two necklaces and listing them on ebay. None of this has happened. I'm not beating myself up about it though, just feel defeated and a failure.

In the evenings I am usually feeling a bit better. Well, I'm feeling at the best my current level of depression allows. Does that make sense? So, when I'm lying in bed, hoping to go off to sleep I often make plans for the following day. Nothing major, nothing that will move the earth, just something that I think I can accomplish. Then I wake the next morning and feel like shit all over again and like as not I'll accomplish nothing. It's like some sort of evil twisted Groundhog Day.

It's great to feel a little better in the evening and sit with tch, watch tv a bit and have a conversation without looking at the clock all of the time and wondering how soon I can go to bed. But, it makes things even worse when I wake up the next morning and lack the strength to move about. Just want to pull the duvet over my head and disappear. Switch off.

Right now it is almost 8pm, and although I feel okay, I am aware that I actively hid from my neighbour earlier. Yes, they've returned from their holiday and there's been a lot of hanging out of the washing and checking on the garden going on. I had to go outside and bring in our washing, tch is out so it had to be me. I was poised to flee at the first sign of another person. Not good. In the recent past I've been able to hold a conversation with them, so it's another step backwards to behave in this way. I have been building it up in my head about them coming back though, so I guess that hasn't helped.

I'm expecting tch home any time now. Because he's out quite a lot later than usual he's buying fish and chips on the way home for us. He's so lovely to do this. I am such a failure that I don't cook. I forget stuff and make a right mess of it. I know I won't always be this way, but it feels like shit. When someone else talks of their home life it's always the woman who does most of the cooking and meal planning. I feel so useless, I am incapable.

Anxiety and mindfulness.

Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.

I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.

Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.

There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.

Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.

Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.

You can take a step back, but don't fall off.

Yes. I've taken a step backwards alright. My depression has worsened over the last few days. It was 4pm today when I was having a shower and putting clothes on. I guess there's one positive in there, I've had a shower and I've dressed. That's two positives, way to go me!

Life feels pretty shit at the moment. I want to be left alone, but tch is so lovely in looking after me that I can't tell him this. He's back in work today (Mon).

I've had a phone message from my mental health worker asking whether I'm going to the craft club on Weds. I really don't want to go. I tell myself that if I stay home I could take the dog out for a short walk, or do some work in the garden. Like either of those things is going to happen. In reality I'll stay in the house and probably sleep most of the time. I can see that it would be a very good thing therefore for me to go out on Weds morning. I don't like it very much though, I hardly know the people there. I know, I know, I won't get to know them either unless I show up a few times. It's like I can't hold a conversation at the moment. I can't think straight, and I get my words muddled. I put things in weird places too. You would almost have to play Hunt the Kettle in our kitchen. It's not that bad, but I keep putting the sugar in the teapot instead of in the mug, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel distanced from everything, as though it's all happening to someone else and I'm outside looking in. So. Result so far, is no result at all. I haven't phoned her back. I could text and say I'm not going, she wouldn't mind, but it would be so much better for me if I could go along. I'm thinking I'll leave it until this evening and text her that I'm not going. I think. Then I'll go and have a guilt sandwich.

More gloom. I've found another small lump on the dog. It's in her haunch, that's the best way to describe it. It's not sitting under the skin as a raised lump. I don't think this is good, I think the raised lump has more chance of being benign. Who am I kidding. I don't think any lump is going to be benign, poor lass. The other two lumps that I've found over the last few weeks don't seem to be growing fast. That's by no means all though. Now she's developed a skin disorder. She scratches, licks and nibbles so much that she has bald patches coming. It's not an infestation, I only wish it was, then it would be treatable so simply. The vet's given me anti-histamines and said if they don't work after four days then they're not going to. That was five days ago. She's scratching etc. a little bit less, or maybe that's my wishful thinking. The vet explained that if it didn't work, there are tablets she could take, but they are known to increase the growth rate of abnormal cells. In other words, she already has a cancer and these tablets would bring it on faster. So what do we do? Not give her the tablets will leave her scratching and her skin getting worse. It's already red and inflamed now. Giving her the tablets will stop the itching and make her comfortable, but the cancer will take her quicker. I'm thinking the answer is there in the word comfortable. It's a very hard choice to make though, we'd be effectively condemning her to a faster death. I've looked it up on the internet and there may be another option, the vet hasn't mentioned this though. It's a steroid injection. Sally would not be able to have them repeatedly, but I think I'll ask the vet about it and how long the effects would last. If she was allowed to have two in a row, and each one lasted a couple of months, then that would be fantastic. We don't expect her to live all that long, not with tumours popping up like she's a gremlin. Was it gremlins or was it furbies? Oh, you know what I mean. You couldn't feed 'em after midnight.

Depression hits hard.

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning. Like a whirlpool it's going round. It's making me dizzy, doo bee dee doo. I did a wonderful impression of a well person today. Held conversations (plural!) and stuff. Why is this stuff so bliddy hard?

 

My mental health worker, E, picked me up this morning and took me to the craft club. All the way there she told me about her son and his college info. I looked at the gutter we were driving past and wanted to be there. Anywhere but on the way to the craft club. I wanted to stay at home and be left alone. But we went and I smiled and chatted, as you do. Tried not to look at the clock all of the time. I took some craft stuff to do, an image to colour, but couldn't do anything. I couldn't think straight enough to do it. I've said I'll see them again next week, I hope things are a bit better then.

Bathed the dog when I got home, she's got several bald patches coming, so I think she'll have to go back to the vet tomorrow. Funny whatever this skin condition is, that it should develop all of a sudden.

The bathroom still stinks, although not so bad now. I've bleached the carpet again and that's improved it a bit.

In short, everything feels like crap really. I always try to see a positive in any situation, but I can't do it this time. When I was at the craft club my shoulders were hurting from the tension so much.  Maybe the pain from my back is affecting the way I feel. I took painkillers before I went out this morning but they wore off by midday. That wears me down, the back pain. Maybe that's what has contributed to this crap mood.

My Precious

What is precious to you?

My idea of what is precious to me has changed a lot over the years. When I was in my 20s and 30s I probably would have said material possessions were the most precious to me. The things that were worth a lot money wise. I still have several of them, they carry memories that I would not be without. I'd have to be pretty broke to consider selling them, to have money, because yes they do mean a hell of a lot to me.

I started thinking about these things earlier when I caught sight of a picture that one of my grandsons gave me. It has flowers on one side (I'm glad his Mum told me they are flowers, they look like ladies with fuzzy hair and giant boobs) and on the other side it says 'to Nana love from...' I have it propped up on a shelf in our bedroom. I used to have it so the flowers showed, but now I have it so the words show instead. You see, he wrote that for me. It has my name and his name and lots of kisses. Priceless.

This is the kind of thing that once lost, can never be replaced. The little things, the thoughtful gestures. Thank goodness for digital phone cameras as now I can capture some of these times. The dog jumping in the sea, loving it even if she only has three legs to jump with now.

Having material possessions which are precious is fine, but having a little moment of love preserved is even more precious.

Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery

A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.

Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.

Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.

Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:

 The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?

I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of  more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.