Yeth, and I'm only thixteen...

Sorry about the title, it's only going to mean anything if you are over 45 and used to watch a certain vet's comedy (in the UK). Well why the title? I have increasingly felt that having a mental health condition equates with having all of one's brain cells euthanised, or at the very least, dopificated. Okay, I made that last bit up. It's true though, I have been spoken down to in a condescending fashion so many tims.

Yes, when I am very low I can get confused. When I'm depressed I'm almost always tired as well, this adds to my confusion. Also, my memory is dreadful and I forget the simplest of things directly after being told. But, I have not been rendered stupid! I recall having to attend an interview to justify my ill health and my need for sickness benefit. During the interview I passed some comment, I can't remember exactly what I said, and the interviewer did a cartoon-like double-take. It was as if she'd caught me out for still having a brain. This from a presumably qualified person. Words fail me. Actually words did indeed fail me on this occasion, I kept my mouth shut as much as possible for the remainder of the interview.

When I first started taking lithium I had the first prescription from the psychiatrist, so it was a month after it was prescribed that I requested a repeat script from my gp surgery. They told me over the phone that they had no knowledge of this and had not received any correspondence from the psych about it. On ringing the psych's secretary, yes they had written to the gp so they should know all about it.

This type of thing has happened on several occasions over the last few years. If I didn't have the wherewithall to sort it out, what the hell would have happened to me? That morning of the lithium thing, I stressed and cried and thought about giving up, not taking it at all being as no-one would give it to me. I knew I shouldn't stop taking it, that it was a drug to come off slowly, gradually reducing the amount. In the end I wrote down who to phone and what to say. I thought if I can't do it then I'll ask tch to do it for me. Eventually the letter was faxed to the surgery and they raised a script for me. Even that sounds simple but it wasn't. It was numerous phone calls, get down to the surgery, wait for the script, go to the pharmacy, wait for the drugs, get back home... collapse.

I really cannot stress this enough. If I did not have the power of mind and speech to sort these things out, where would I be?? I know a lady with a worse mental health disorder, she would in no way be able to deal with a situation like this. What would become of her? I am so very lucky to have my husband's help if I need it, this lady has no partner. In this particular event there was very little help offered by the healthcare professionals. Whist I understand that my problem was not expected and their workload already full, I'm still here and still had the problem.

Everywhere we go these days those who are working are stretched to capacity. Back when I was last in a job we were assessed every day. We had to complete a form daily, being allowed a set amount of time for each task. That's something lik 3.48 minutes for this and 12.55 minutes for that. Crazy. All of my daily minutes against my working hours for that day gave the result showing how much % of the day I had been working. If I didn't achieve at least 98% over a month I would be given a warning, another month and my pay would be docked. I'm quite sure my employers weren't the only ones adopting this practice. Is it any wonder then that there is no time for unexpected problems to show up? Then when those more vulnerable need help with something, often the person on the end of the phone just wants them gone, they haven't got time for this! Some of the time I am one of the more vulnerable, but thankfully when my depression is not so bad, I can deal with things. It's those others though, who's looking after them?

Have you had an experience like this? Tell me about it, please.

Need a bomb behind me

That's what my Grandma always used to say whenever I wasn't moving fast enough or working hard enough. 'You need a bomb behind you' was generally heard directly after a school report had been received or when I was (she considered) dawdling.

Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?

I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.

Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.

I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.

Turmoil, just turmoil

Turmoil, that's where I am. Turmoil.

Didn't want to go out this morning, no change there then. I'm not sure whether I'm glad I went, or not. All the way there I was feeling really disconnected, as though everything was happening a distance away, and to somebody else. We were very late arriving at the craft club with a half an hour left before it finished. I understand about my mental health lady having a meeting first, but it always overruns and then we are always late getting there. It worked out okay for me, I didn't want to be there anyway. I chatted a bit, and a lady showed me a little about book folding. That was really interesting but I don't have the patience for the crafts that I do at the moment without taking anything else up as well.

The turmoil? Well, I've been waiting on an email about accommodation next August and where we need to be is totally booked solid. I'd got to the stage of investigating outlying villages and the park and ride service. However, and here's the part I'm excited about, I have found an apartment, right where we need to be and it's absolutely wonderful. It's knowing we'd have this to go back to at any time is giving me the confidence to go in the first place. I wouldn't have to face a restaurant for breakfast, and it's only down the road to where my family are staying. They replied this afternoon, yes it's available, but it's expensive. He said they usually charge double the price at that time (at least he's honest about it) but will do us a special rate as we're staying 5 nights. My family are paying a big chunk of it as a Christmas present to us both, but it still leaves us paying a big price, plus spending money for 5 days. Am waiting for tch to come home and see what he thinks. I appreciate it's not that much money really, but we rarely go away and money is tight. August is in the school summer holidays and he doesn't get paid for six weeks. Bad timing.

Also, it will be lovely to see my family, well most of them. There is one person who will be there and I really want to avoid her and her husband. I'll not be able to though, and she will badger me to go and stay with her, especially now that I'll have come away for 5 days. I just have to think of a reason why I won't do it, and stick to it. I'm not going to allow her to spoil my holiday. This will be the first time I've been away from home for more than two nights, since 2002. I'm not going to allow anything to spoil it.

All of that is a year away. I need to concentrate on the present and make sure I go out more. I've made an appointment to have my hair cut soon, so I must go out on my own then. I'm going out tomorrow with tch, to the registry office in town. I need a copy of my Aunty and Uncle's marriage certificate. Apparently they can have a telegram from the Queen on their diamond wedding anniversary, and she'll love all that.

Who's a hectic bunn then! To me it feels like it's very busy. To most people they could do all that in the course of a day, but for me it's a lot.

Cross your fingers for me about the accommodation!

Could try harder C+

Well that's how I feel about it, could try harder. Life has been a bit better lately and as always that's when I start to beat myself up, that I could do better if I tried harder. When I begin to do something I want to do it now, want it to work now, not have to do it gradually. Heaven forbid I have to learn to do it, that's when the real impatience sets in. I am a nightmare to train in anything, expecting it to go right the first time I attempt it. It's another thing that I can recognise in myself now, and gradually try to be more patient both with the task and with myself.

For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.

There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.

I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.

It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.