Shaving the dog and sinking fast.

There is a gnashing of teeth to be heard in our house today. The dog was allowed outside this morning, without her lampshade collar. She has bitten into the scab of the surgery wound again. This time I have shaved around the wound so that a dressing will stick to her. Every dressing the vet put on her just fell off in under an hour. Why on earth this couldn't have been done in the first place I really don't know. I think tch is probably feeling a bit guilty for allowing this to happen. It's done now, can't be changed, and dopey dog will be wearing her lovely cone of shame for at least ten days.

I have been cleaning this morning. I've not done very much at all and it doesn't look much either, but I've been at it for a couple of hours. I always think the house is dirty, but now it really is. When I'm low I don't do anything, least of all any housework. I've taken a break for a bit, I needed to sit down for a while. Kind of feeling a bit low, maybe just a blood sugar low.

Not had a shower today, or washed my hair. Both are signs that I'm not too good. I'm so very very glad that I don't have to go out today. Keep telling myself I'll be okay if I can stay here today. Feels like I'm sinking.

Tch has gone to take 18yr old grandson to A&E, he thinks he has damaged his ankle. Our A&E departments are notorious for taking hours to process a patient, so let's hope they're hope before dark!

So, my Saturday so far has consisted of shaving the dog and cleaning the kitchen. I certainly know how to live.

Happy dog and sleepy bunny

It's two o clock in the afternoon, so it's the middle of the day for me. So far the day has been good. We took the dog back for another post op check and they don't need to see her again, so that's great news. Tch mentioned she's been biting at her rear haunches and it seems her glands were blocked. I simply cannot tell you how relieved that has made me feel. I had jumped to the wrong conclusion that is was yet more tumours developing, but no, just her glands. If she keeps biting, then the vet will teach us how to express her glands ourselves. Deep joy. Can't wait for that one.

It's now half seven in the evening. I had to leave this aside when tch came to sit by me. I don't like anyone with me when I write this. Not sure if I want anyone that knows me to read my blog, it's my outlet to say how I feel and someone who knows me may not like what they read. I pretend to be well so often that I don't want those who know me to know the truth about how I feel. Is this prolonging the stigma of depression? I think maybe it is, but I have to keep it this way for my sanity.

I went back for a sleep this afternoon and slept for about three hours, quite a long time for me. This week has been a very busy one for me and I feel a lot better for the sleep. It was not a case of wanting to go to bed and switch off from the world, as was so often the case a little while ago. I'm really pleased with this progress.

Had some very good news at my appointment with the diabetic nurse. My sugar/glucose levels have improved drastically, a huge improvement. I'm quite surprised to be honest because I still eat a bit too much sugar. Comparing my results to the information sheet given to me on the diabetic course this week, my levels are still in the red zone, too high. The nurse today thought they were improving bigtime, so I'm pleased with than. In January it was 105, and now it's 65. The info sheet said the red zone was anything over 59. Pass me a Turkish Delight, I'm celebrating.

Dog tired and feeling pointless.

Today has been mostly good. We went for the second part of the diabetic course, still very interesting and informative. Bit too much info really, one of the subjects today was portion sizes. I think I'm eating for three. The lady showed us a matchbox and said this is the size of a portion of cheese. Well, I can eat that much cheese while I'm busy cutting up what I need for my meal. Not good. We've decided to try and make small changes, and so to achieve a better and more balanced diet gradually. Very gradually. No, slower than that...

We took the dog out for a walk this afternoon. For the first time ever, ever, ever, she couldn't walk home. We didn't go far, I would guess we were walking fairly slowly for about 20mins. Each time we stopped for a car to go past Sally sat down and sometimes laid down. She would not have done that six months ago. We got to a point where she just stopped and looked at us and then laid down. This is so unlike Sal. We used to walk miles, there's a scenic drive close to home and we'd walk the 10 miles from home, all the way round the drive and back home again. Tch walked the short distance home and brought the car to take her back home. We're both worried about her. Although the histology on the recent tumours says they're pretty confident it's all removed, I think she's already developing something more. Her breathing gets very laboured after only a little activity. Well, it is what it is, I guess. We shall just have to wait and see how she goes.

I'm having little short spells of really low mood. Most of the time I'm really good, but occasionally I just drop like a stone and think 'what's the point of all this' 'I may as well not be here'. I don't say anything to tch because I really don't want to talk about it. It kind of passes, but leaves me feeling emotional. I think it's good that I can recognise them, and to know they will pass, but in some circumstances the emotion can be embarrassing. If anyone is there with me and my eyes fill up with tears it's inevitable they will ask questions. How do you say to someone 'I'm just feeling suicidal' It's not going to happen. The minute I tell anyone at all, they'll tell somebody else and they'll all be watching me from the side and wondering what I'm going to do next. Nope, bottle it up, that's what I think. I know doing that's not good, but it's a damn site better than the alternative.

The Inbetweener.

This is the day in between course days. We shall be attending the diabetic course on a Tues and Thurs, and today is Weds and I'm feeling very tired. On a usual week I would be picked up this morning to go to a craft class. My mental health worker E takes me and brings me home. I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this during the course weeks, for me it's too much.

To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.

All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.

Started the diabetic course today.

This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.

I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.

Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.

Can I have some good news, please? Huh?

Well, we've had the news about the two tumours removed from lumpy-dog Sally. It's not good, both were tumours. We already knew the large one was a mast tumour, but the small one (the one the vet didn't think was a tumour at all) is a nasty one, and quite rare. It stems from the follicle, I think. The report indicates they think all the bad stuff is removed, so let's hope they're right. I suppose the good news is that Sal is oblivious to the whole situation, unaware that death could be just around the corner. She's quite happy. Apart from the fact that she has to wear the lampshade collar, which of course is all our fault and so she gives the cold shoulder frequently. Until a treat is offered. What a tart!

Tch has started the summer break and is off work until early September, in line with the Summer holidays. A break in the lovely weather, it's pouring with rain, so we're confined to the house today. I love the times when I don't have to go anywhere, it relaxes me a little. It's Sunday today too, so no delivery/business folk will knock the door. Bliss. Today I don't even feel guilty for enjoying staying at home, just the two of us.

We went to see my middle stepdaughter R yesterday, one of our grandson had a birthday yesterday. Lovely visit, we don't see them often enough.

Quick update on the smelly cat situation. We think we've stopped the kitten peeing behind the sofa... yay!... but now she sometimes pees on the bathroom carpet. Same place as the elderly cat does it. I suppose it keeps the problem contained to one area. Still stinks in there though. I intend to ask the vet tomorrow whether she's old enough to be spayed. Once that's out the way and all healed, the cat flaps can be opened, and we may need to fork out for a new carpet!

Here's the little cutie kitten:

I know, she looks so innocent. To be fair, it's the elderly Katie that's creating the problem. She's getting old now, I dread something happening to her.

My mood's been quite good lately. I haven't been out very much, my mental health worker is on hol this week and so won't be taking me to the craft club. Also, I told her I wasn't going last week. I am so happy about this, I know I shouldn't be like this, but I don't want to go out and this way I don't have to! I went to the gp surgery for a blood test, does that count as going out? I think so. It went really well too. I was only booked for diabetes check, but she agreed to do lithuim (should have had it 5 weeks ago) and vitamin D (should have had it eons ago). I thought I may be frowned upon at the very least as both were so overdue, but all was fine. Phew!

Back to the vet in the morning, again, to have Sal's wound checked. It's the surgery scar that she bit into. Slight problem for me, I need to be feeling well (depression-wise) to do this. It's because everyone, and I really mean Everyone, wants to talk when they see Sal. She had a leg amputated in March, and in addition now has two surgery scars and a cone on her head. Everyone I meet is all, 'Awww, love her, how did that happen?' I never thought she'd cope being recently on three legs and new wearing the cone, but she does really well.

This is Sally, after the amputation but before the new tumours developed:

Can a person choose to be happy?

Can a person choose to be happy? A lot of people seem to think so, but I'm not so sure.

On a day when I am feeling ok, that's not very depressed but not completely well, I may be able to find something that will lift my mood. Music can often do this for me. Maybe I can find something I want to sing along to, that would be great. Is this choosing to be happy?

If I am feeling low, I will most likely be at home refusing to go out, and maybe in my bed trying to switch off from the world. When I'm like that, very little can lift my mood. Usually if I interact at all it is to feel guilty for not doing something. Like when I hear people out in their gardens working/mowing the lawn. Then I just feel overwhelming guilt. There is no choosing happiness there.

I can usually see the positives in a situation, but I will see the negatives first. Being able to see the positives does not make me able to feel happiness for them though.

No, I don't think a person can choose to be happy. I think that only a well person can do this.

I can give the appearance of being happy. When I interact with anyone other than tch I will put on 'the sparkle' and pretend to be happy and lively. The longer that I have to do this for, the more exhausted I will become. You'll notice I say that I have to do this, I say that because I can find no other way to cope with others. If I were to allow even a tiny bit of how I am really feeling come out, I think I might crumble completely. Then questions would be asked and I would have to talk about it.

I cannot talk about my mental health to anyone other than tch. Other people rarely understand depression and will often offer advice. Advice that they think will sort out 'my problem'. As if I wouldn't have tried this years ago already. People can usually only relate to their own experiences, so they remember how they felt when they were a bit low. That is not depression! That's like a person having a heart attack with someone trying to treat them for heartburn. Nuff said.

I've not done very much at all today, I've been feeling so tired. Yesterday was such an active day for me, most unusual. So I've slept rather a lot today.

Tomorrow, I'm very worried about tomorrow. The dog is going in for surgery to remove a tumour. When she went in to have the first tumour removed in March, they phoned us during the op to say she would need to have her leg amputated in order to remove all of it. This second one feels like it's in her upper gasto tract, well it's in her side anyway, so I am so afraid they'll ring with bad news once they've opened her up. I asked the vet if she might be in pain with it and she said that was very unlikely, but Sally keeps licking the area where the lump is and she moans and groans such a lot that I think she probably is in pain. So, all we can do is to take her in for the op and hope for the best. I just keep looking at her and thinking she'll not be with us for much longer.

What a positive day!!

Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.

First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.

I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.

Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.

The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.

My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!

When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.

Good weekend.

Life in Smellyville is improving greatly. The bathroom now smells strongly of Domestos, it's like walking into a public swimming baths. I've been recommended a product to deter the cat from the area, so I'm hoping that will be a winner on two levels. Firstly to stop her peeing there, and secondly to get rid of the smell of the bleach. I know bleach is a no-no for this kind of thing, but I just couldn't stand the stench of cat urine any longer. I am so glad we didn't have any visitors during that time, I would have been mortified because of the smell. This whole problem has had a big effect on my mood.

I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.

Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.

Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.

This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!

I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.

Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!

Fairly good day. Bad news about the dog.

To begin on a positive note, I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm sure that's because tch is on a day off and with me for most of the day. It's having someone to talk to that makes all the difference. Which is mad because I will almost never choose to  ring/visit anyone, choosing instead to stay at home alone. I get so worked up and anxious when I go out, so it always seems easier to not do it.

Today though I've been to the hairdressers. I always have a wet cut, purely because it's the cheapest option. To have a cut and blow dry costs more. So usually when I come out of the hairdressers I look a little weird, having the hair cut, but not styled. Then I'll go straight home, feeling self conscious. Today when I arrived home, having driven myself I might add, yay! go me! tch was going out straight away to collect eldest stepdaughter, and I decided to go with him, to get out a bit more and to see her. After that we had a look in a little craft fair in the village and then poked around in a second hand shop, where tch bought a chair. I am tired now, but am really really glad that I managed to do so much today.

Ok, now the negative. The vet phoned with the histology results for the dog. She has a mast cell tumour. It's not sitting on the surface just covered with skin/fur, it's more inside her intestines. To be honest, it's not looking good. She had a cancerous lump removed in March, she had to have her leg amputated in order to take it all away. She's booked in for surgery to have this one removed a week today. Then they'll send it off for testing, so it will probably be about two weeks before we know what we're dealing with. Not good.

I've done nothing about the whole cat-pee saga today. It's just the same and I'll tackle it another day.

So apart from the shitty news from the vet, it's been a very successful day for me.

Not a good day. Waiting on the phone.

Am feeling absolutely crap today. There's really no logical reason why I should feel so low and so sad.

However, the positives... I'm up. Not actually showered or dressed yet, but I'm up. It's not long after noon here. I've done a couple of minor housework bits. Oh yeah, and I've put my idea into action to stop the kitten peeing behind the sofa. I'm trying to have her not want to walk there, and to that end I've scattered the floor with talcum powder. It's a hard floor, so I'm hoping this will put her off.

Still no further forward with the bathroom though. This is where the elderly cat has been peeing. It's really getting me down. I scrubbed it not end yesterday, but still it smells today. Aside from ripping up the carpet I just don't know what to do. It's going to be the end of August before I can open the cat flaps (kitten not allowed out) and it's going to drive me crazy by then. I guess if I can't sort it out we'll just have to put up with it until August and then find the money for a new carpet.

Money issues are not ideal in the summer break, tch works in schools and has six weeks off. That's great, but being self-employed that also means no wage.

Today I feel that I just don't care. All I really want to do is go back to my bed and pull the duvet over my head.

We have several family birthdays around this time. So it's then time to pull on the happy face and sparkle away! It's my grandson's birthday today and I don't know where to find the motivation to be there. He's a gorgeous little boy, and he's one of the few who call me Nanna. That means such a lot to me. I shall ask tch to stay by my side and try my best.

My dog had a leg amputated in March of this year, due to a lump which turned out to be cancer. Last weekend I found another lump, in her side or maybe in her upper GI tract. The vet took a sample on Monday and they will ring with the results. Scary.

I think maybe the whole dog thing is affecting me more that I thought it would. That's because today, as well as being grandchild's birthday, was our other dog's birthday. Now, I'm not crazy enough to celebrate the dog's birthday, but we always used to tell our grandson that he shared his birthday, and that the dog was only a little older that him. If you're not a pet person, I don't expect you to understand, but thinking about him, and worrying about this one's new lump, I think it's pulled me down a lot. I was already low and this hasn't helped.

My mental health worker is on holiday this week and so cannot take me to the craft club today. I'm glad, because I don't want to go out, but I wonder whether it would have lifted my mood a little if I'd had to push myself to go. Well, I'm going to have to push myself to go out to my stepdaughter's later, so we'll see how that goes. Meantime, I think I'm going to go back to my bed for a while, switching off will be good. Sometimes I wake up a bit better.

After you... No, after you...

More thoughts on death and dying today. Fractionally more positive than suicide, but now about what happens if I die first, or what happens if the ch dies first. I've thought about the physical things, like bank accounts and suchlike, but what about if I die, what will he do? I think he'd be fine, he's loads of family nearby. One of his daughters is only just a short walk away.

Would I cope? I have suicidal thoughts fairly often already, so I'm not sure I'd cope alone. I wouldn't want help from tch's family, I don't think I'll ever stop believing that they are only friendly to me because I'm married to him. No, I think I'd just curl up at home.

I do envy these people who seem able to live happily after a partner has died. They volunteer in charity shops and do all manner of things. I'm not upbeat enough for that, I lack all motivation.

Update on the aroma-homa, not really smelling a whole lot sweeter today. I have given up with the chemical sprays and have scrubbed the living daylights out of the bathroom carpet today. It looks a whole lot better, but there's still a smell. tch reminded me last night that we put earth inside a litter tray, along with the litter, when previously we had to keep the elderly cat indoors following an operation. That might just work, and she might pee in there instead of on the carpet, but I've got to get rid of the scent from the carpet first. Scent? Pong morelike! Oh, and the kitten has peed behind the sofa again. I think the saying 'it never rains, but it pours' has never been more true! Yellow rain too! Sorry, was that tmi?

I'm feeling guilty. It's a sunny day today and neighbours are out in their gardens. I can hear next door mowing their lawn and there's someone across the road working in the garden. I feel guilty because I'm here, staying indoors, not doing anything. Our garden is in a bad state, and I won't go outside to do it. Today would have been an ideal day for laundry too, but I don't want to go outside and hang it out in case someone talks to me. This feeling comes and goes. I know there have been times, many times, that I've either worked in the garden or gone outside to hang washing out. I just don't know what makes the feeling come, or what makes it go.

If I could make one wish, in terms of my health, it would be to know what causes my depression to come, and what causes it to lift. Yeah, okay, that's two wishes, but you know what I mean. Why do I wake up some mornings and plan the things I'll do that day, and then wake up another morning and lack the strength/motivation to get out of bed? Answers on a postcard, please.

What day is it?

I'm getting confused as to what day it is. Nope, I haven't lost even more of my marbles, the ch has had an extra day off and it's thrown me all off kilter. Usually he's not working on a Thurs and then Sat and Sun. This week he's been off on the Fri as well. In my head it was Sunday all day on Friday! Doesn't take a lot to confuse me mind.

Do you find that your memory is very poor? Either because you're depressed or because of the meds that you take? I'm not sure which one is the cause of my awful memory, but I think it's one of those two.

I think I can still remember things from years ago, I'm saying I think so because if I couldn't remember them, then how would I know? Read that bit again. I know what I mean. Anything that I need to remember nowadays I have to write down. It's very frustrating. Mind, it's not so frustrating as trying to watch tv with me. Whenever me and the ch sit down to watch an episode of something, I ask so many questions. Who's he? Where's that? How did that happen? I think my ch has the patience of a saint.

The ch is out this afternoon, to a reunion lunch. I kind of wish I had his busy life, but I know I couldn't cope with it yet.

I have a smelly house. No, really, it's horrible! Our elderly cat has taken to peeing on the bathroom carpet and it's awful. We've got some better chemical treatment now, so I'm hoping that might make it smell better. The carpet, not the cat, that is. The cat smells lovely! It's a difficult situation, we have a kitten who's not allowed outside yet, so the cat flap is locked. The elderly cat therefore can't get outside to pee during the night, and thereby she thinks she's found the ideal solution with the bathroom carpet. During the day she just comes near the cat flap and shouts at us to be let out. I'd like to say that she meows prettily, but she outright shouts, yells, even! She's also got a kidney problem which means she needs to pee more often. We're all counting the days until the little one is allowed outside and the cat flaps can flap away!

Actually, we've rather been in the wars, pet-wise this year. Our dog had to have a front leg amputated, and now an incontinent cat! Oh yeah, and the kitten thinks it's just lovely to pee behind our sofa as well.  Well at least the chemical spray smells nice!

This is elderly cat. Her name is Katie, and she's 17.