So very tired but trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel (is that a train?)

Terrible day, very little sleep last night. Trying to help ch finish an essay, doing some typing for him. Very glad to be able to be of some help, but feeling very shitty today now. I don't know how he managed to go off to work today, it's been all I can do to string a sentence together.

Even so, giving my mind something else to think about has been good for me, I think. My touch-typing is self taught really, I bought a disc over the internet a couple of years ago. I was up to a whoop-de-do level of 30wpm, but I have to look down to see the numbers. Doing some of the bibliography was a laugh. Not. But it's doing something different, and that's really good.

Doing stuff like this really brings it home to me that I'm going to find it hard to return to work eventually. I definitely need to man up! When I'm well enough I'll have to get up early and be busy all day, so I can think straight when I have to do this at work. I think that's a while yet, but not too long I hope. As the ch commented recently, this time last year I was unwell and very stressed.

As regards medical peeps, no-one is really overseeing my mental health care. I see the psychiatrist annually for a review but that's only because I'm taking lithium. If it weren't for that she would have discharged me completely. As it is, she discharged me to the care of my gp about 2 years ago, apart from the review. The gp does not see me at all. I just request repeat prescriptions from the pharmacy, and pick the meds up from there. So I'm overseeing myself.

I have been so very very thankful for our nhs system. Where I live, we do not pay for meds. If I had to pay for them I think it would be around £40 a month, and there's no way I could afford that. Where do you live? Do you have to pay for your meds? How do you manage/budget for them?

On the plus side, I have at least started my Christmas shopping. All online. That makes me feel better, to have made a start. I wouldn't mind a trip into town to see the lights etc. but I can't cope with the shops, too busy.

So, here's hoping the top of my head doesn't explode with the reduced meds. Time will tell.

Take care, all that are reading this. You're all special. And I don't mean than in a 'licking the windows' kind of way!

So low's not a solo.

I'm feeling really low today. No real reason, in fact I should be happy really because I've had a few successes lately. I sang with the choir in a concert last weekend, which went really well. And I went out yesterday. Only a walk up to the post office, but I did it even though I didn't want to. I had to get a parcel in the post, and as usual I'd left it until the last minute. Why change the habit of a lifetime, eh?

Today my mood has dropped big time. I'm here writing this though, so that means I'm up and at least doing something.

I lost an earring on the weekend, only a pewter one, but huge sentimental attachment, and I'm gutted. I doubt it'll turn up now.

 Why am I dwelling on the negative things so much? I know I'm doing it. There are so many positive things around me at the moment and here's me only thinking about the negative ones. The coping strategy of finding the positive in a situation only works when I'm feeling reasonable ok and just need a little extra oomph to go out and so something. Today the only positive is that I'm out of bed, and that's only just. I've not washed and I'm eating only crap, even though I know that eating well affects my mood. I've still got the bunny though. It won't get my whilst I've still got the bunny.

I am daunted by Christmas looming ahead. I've not bought many gifts at all and we're going away this year to my family. I do not  not not want to go away from home. This is where I feel safe. This is where my dog and cats are. This is where I can shut out the world. Away is none of those things. The stress of it makes me want to bury myself under the duvet.

Decision. I'm going to go and eat something that isn't full of sugar and make a coffee. Decent food and caffeine. Will I do it? Shit, I've no idea.

If I can do that, I will buy one present online. Just one, no pressure. That'll be one less to worry about. First food.

Low low low. It's the day after the awful shootings in Paris. So many people have lost their lives, it's staggering that this can happen. I watched a short video in my facebook newsfeed, of a group of terrorists. One of them was stating what they would do, and how they would do it. They believe it is ok to kill people in this way. He wasn't even hiding his face from the camera. Once he was a little baby, a small boy who was loved by someone. He would have laughed and played. What turns them into the terrorists they are today? It's a terrible thing to believe a religion demands these things. My heart truly goes out to the people who have been affected by this tragedy. In a short while it will have disappeared from the news headlines, but the effects will remain with those affected for ever.

I can't wait for the ch to get home, I really would like a hug right now. You really never know when someone you love may be taken from you.

Soupy fog

Not much of an post today, depression is making me so tired. I slept well, but finding it hard to move around. It's that soupy fog, it's back and it's hard work to push through it.

There is so much that needs to be done but I can't summon up the energy to do it. After 5 mins of cleaning I felt like I'd run a marathon. Nor have I done any practice, my music is still where I left it 10 days ago. More and more things are surfacing from the fog, and every one of them is making me feel guilty. So much I should have done, so much I ought to have completed. It all makes me want to crawl back under the duvet.

I'm going to go and make a cup of coffee, see if the caffeine can do anything for me. Caffeine can sometimes give me enough energy to make a start. See ya later.

Well, it's about half an hour later and I've had a coffee and some nuts. Allegedly nuts are good for depression. They're also ok with diabetes, so all good. I think they've done something positive for me. It's really not a good thing to use caffeine in this way, but that's nothing compared to what some folk take to combat depression, so sod it.

My ch should be home in less than an hour, so that's fab. Just knowing he's in the house is good. Sometimes when I've retreated to my bed it helps to know he's here.

A whole half a mile.

Progress! I went out today, walked to the post office in the village. Wondered what the funny smell was, yep it was fresh air. The dog was beside herself with happiness to be going out. She was probably  hoping for a run, but this blog is all about little steps, so the dog's going to have to wait a bit.

I was breathless several times (and not in a good way) and had to stop for my heart rate to come down a bit. Staying in all the time has brought my fitness levels to zero. I can't promise I'll be doing this regularly, but I'll give it a go every so often.

Bit worried bout the dopey dog. She's old now, and I noticed today her fur's coming out. It's very unlikely she's shedding because it's getting cold now. Also the lump on her leg is literally the size of a golf ball now and the skin feels tight. She's a very skinny breed, so it really stands out, I'm certain it's getting bigger, though it doesn't bother her. Maybe I'm worrying without reason, dunno.

My mood is kind of better today. It probably did me a lot of good to go out. I am very irritable though. I'm trying to cut as much sugar as possible out of my diet, and I think it's the withdrawal of sugar that's made me irritable. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO! Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

Since I've been writing this blog it has brought to my attention just how much I worry about every little thing. To a ridiculous level! Currently I am worrying about:

The dog - the vet's seen the lump and it's fine.
Will granddaughter like her bracelet - even if she doesn't like it, she will appreciate that I made it for her.
My psoriasis - well it's worry that caused it in the first place, so there's a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard one! Moisturising is helping loads, so just continue with that.
Whether anyone actually reads this blog - who knows? Writing it is helping me though, so that's what really matters.

I'd like to know if you're really out there though, so drop me a comment or use the contact form. Tell me what part of the globe you are from.

It's raining in my heart. By the Bangles?

What kind of a day is this? Well, outside it's pouring with rain and blowing a gale. Inside? It's kind of pouring with rain on my inside (though thankfully I'm not blowing a gale). I just have this tremendous sense of sadness and no idea why. If there were a reason for my sadness there would be something to work on, but it's just there, sitting on my chest kinda heavy like.

I'm on my own today, as usual on a weekday. The ch isn't home until bout 7pm. I'm used to that though, and 7pm's not bad as it's often later.

Didn't go out to practice on Sunday evening. That's playing on my mind a bit. I feel guilty that I didn't go. I'm having thoughts about leaving again.

I made a little bangle yesterday for one of my granddaughters. It's taken a lot of practice and still wasn't really to my standard, but it was okay. I've been trying my hand at stamping metal, and I've stamped a quote from her favourite tv series onto it. The ch says that if it were in a pure straight line it would look manufactured, but a bit of a wobbly line looks crafted. I'm not alltogether sure what I think of 'a wobbly line'. I told one of the girls I would do dog tags for her 2 sons, that was ages ago when I thought this was going to be easy. That's military dog tags by the way, not the furry kind. Then another said he'd like 2 for his boys and I'm like 'stress man!' I'd love to do these things for them though. Just have to master a technique for a straight line somehow.

Maybe having a try at them would give me a better focus. If I'm busy I maybe would feel less sad?  And eat. I need to eat. I know my mood is better when I eat properly. So, plan is eat first, then bash away at a dog tag. Hopefully that will make me feel a bit better. Fingers crossed. Not literally of course. That would be silly.

All alone with tingly toes.

Feeling quite proud of myself, managed to add a badge to my blog front page. I'd done it before but could not remember how. I thought I was quite savvy with IT stuff, wrong! Anyway, done it now and hopefully this will get me into the blog directory.

I coped well last night, being on my own. I've pulled bits off my thumbs tho, it's not a good look really. If red and scabby was a fashion, well I'd be right up there.

I've slept a lot today, but I've had a shower so that's a big plus. Usually when I'm here alone I go downhill and don't wash for a few days. I only eat crap food too, frozen pizza, stuff like that. This time I've had fruit and nuts too, so that's kinda ok. Am not supposed to have sugar, I'm diabetic, type 2. It's diet controlled. Controlled laughter more like, because I don't really stick to it. I'll have to pay more attention to it tho cos my toes are starting to feel a little strange. I'm thinking that if I don't sort my diabetes out then my toes will go numb. They feel just slightly like that at the tips already :(

A lonely headache

Still massively (is that a word?) lonely. Managed to get a few things done this evening, so that's progress. Now I've got a tension headache.

When I tell my body that there's no need to worry, why doesn't it listen? Why must I have nausea and headaches?  Not liking.

I've heard from the ch, he's arrived safely after more than 5 hours driving. It should have taken less but traffic was, well, traffic. Not t'riffic. Only able to talk for just over a minute as he was stuck in more traffic trying to get out of the wrong parking area, and into the right one for the hotel. Still, at least I know he got there safely.

Have had plenty of company from both cats and the dog this evening. More fireworks tonight and they followed me into every room. That was nice, even though they only did it because they were scared. All's quiet now, so they've all sodded off to do their own thing. Used, that's what I am. Used.

Headache is shit now so I'm going to stop squinting at this and go to sleep. Night peeps, please be here in the morning.

Am bereft

All on my lonesome. I was all set to go away with ch, but my knee was hurting. That together with I'd be walking around all day tomorrow in the rain, it was the right decision to stay at home.

I felt so claustrophobic when he was getting ready to leave. It was only knowing I was going to be alone. How people who are single cope with depression is beyond me. My chest gets all stuffy and I feel I can't breathe so good.

Am a bit more settled now. Like most depressives I'm better in the evening, so I'm doing a few things about the house. Taking a break to write this cos my back was hurting. I'm very lucky, once I sit down for a few minutes the back pain eases a lot.

When we go out together I never think we might  have a road accident, but when he goes out without me I start to worry. I don't like the feeling that he's a couple of hundred miles away either. Roll on tomorrow night when hopefully he'll be home again safe.

I don't like being alone, but I don't want any company either. Work that one out.

Deflated and undecided.

Not a very good day today. Everything is collapsing in on me. You know when you've inflated something and then it slowly deflates? That's me today. Am so tired also. I slept most of the day up to about 3pm.

Anxiety is high, have to go out in the morning. When I know I'm going to have to go out I make other appointments the same day, because that gets it all over in one day. So I've made a time to have my hair cut straight after the morning group. I  really don't want to go to either of them, but if I'm going away overnight with ch on the weekend, I'll have to get my hair cut. I look like wild woman at the moment. The urge to cancel all of it is so strong. Just stay here on my own. I'd save money (we're on cutbacks) and not have the worry about how my knee hurts. I look like an old woman trying to walk. Not good.

So. Two choices:
1. Attend both appointments and go away overnight.
2. Don't.

Okay, so there is middle ground there, but essentially that's the choices. I want to switch off and go to my bed. I have no idea what to do and I'm starting not to care.

ch came home from work for a while before he had to go out again, and I think he's cross with me about something. No idea what tho. We never argue. That's another for the anxiety list then.

Why am I even here? Today I have no clue. I haven't eaten much today, maybe that's contributed to my low mood.

Check the bunny. She's still there.

Should I stay or should I go?

Well the whole going away thing is kinda on hold now. I was going with ch when he's in a conference and going for a wander around and maybe a little shopping. I've got problems with my knee now, and it's painful to walk or to even bend it at all. My knee seems to be trying to turn into some kind of balloon animal, it's a bit swollen and lumpy :( I'll not be able to spend Saturday walking into the city and then around the shops. I don't know how to feel about it really.  Now I can stay here, safe but alone. I'll have the animals for company, and we'll save money not putting the dog into kennels. The part I would have enjoyed was having a meal with ch in the evening, now I'll be alone. It's not long, he's only away one night. So, I was stressing about going away, and now that I can stay home, I'm stressing about that too. Sometimes I think I just need something to be anxious about.

It does feel like something of a reflex, to be anxious about something, maybe everything. It's as though that is the state in which I need to be. I don't want to be, but my brain says 'yes you do. Here, worry about this'. I'm thinking here is another reason to be practising mindfulness. No, I haven't done it yet.

What do you think about the anxiety thing? Do you have the need to worry about everything, when you really don't want to?

Last mindfulness, noise hurts and let me sleep

I attended the last session of my mindfulness course this morning. It's been interesting, but I haven't really committed to it enough. I did a little practice during the week, but I'm told that to gain the benefit of it I should practice daily. This does not happen when my mood is so low, but I will try to do it on other days.

Although I didn't do very much at all over the weekend, I am really tired today. It's from the adrenaline I think. We went up to family because one of my granddaughters was home from uni for the weekend. It was lovely to see her, but I didn't cope well with the noise etc. Noise seems to hurt when it's too loud, does that sound crazy?

Did a little craft work last night, first time in weeks. It seemed as though everything went wrong when I tried previously. Everything looked to me as if a 5 yr old had made it, and then that would send me even lower.

I really need to sleep now, even though it's only 2pm. I've heard that most people with depression don't sleep much and have difficulty getting to sleep, but I'm constantly tired. I can sleep for a few hours in the day and still go to sleep at night. How does your sleep pattern affect you?

Walking and walking

Feeling awful sad today. Bit pathetic, but it's because my car has finally gone. It's the loss of independence really. Reality was that I rarely used it. But it was there, I could have gone out if I'd wished. With all that's wrong in life, it's a pathetic whine, but still it makes me feel sad. It's also the last time I'll have a sporty car, financial reasons say that any future model will be economical. This one wasn't any of that, it had a throaty roar and I loved it.

It's done now, lovely lad bought it and is going to fix it up, so that's good to know. Onwards and upwards, isn't that what they say?

Otherwise, today's been okay so far. Glad to have ch  home and not having to go anywhere. I am going to go out this evening - yay - go me. I have a practice night every Sunday, and I didn't go last week. People have been shot for less. So tonight I'm going, even though, predictably, I'd rather stay at home. Practice only lasts 2 hours, so I'll be home again in under 3 hours. Find the positive? Dunno, ask me again later.

So where are you from? My stats map says that most of you are in America, with quite a lot in Portugal. Amazing. Depression does not care who's bum it bites, or where they live, 'eh?

Speaking of going out. Big decision to be made soon. ch is away at a conference next weekend and I'm due to go too. It's only one night away, and I'm left to myself for the one day to be a tourist. This means staying somewhere new, being up early for a dining room breakfast, all day on my own shopping and wandering around (not much money = not much shopping). Everything I wear shows that I'm fat. The alternative is two days alone at home. I'm thinking if I can find clothes that don't beat my self confidence into submission, then I might go along. I could stay in the room with a book if I can't do the whole wandering about thing. I have arthritis that pains my feet and one knee, so a lot of walking isn't a good idea anyway. See? I'm already finding reasons not to go. Watch this space.