Shitty few days - where did they come from?

Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.

Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.

I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.

I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.

I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family  live 170+miles away, and are very few.

D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.

Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.

Bad day today.

Such a shitty day today. It's after half past four in the afternoon here and I'm only just up and dressed. I did get up with tch and had breakfast around 10ish, but came back to bed and have slept far too long. It's one of those low days when everything feels pointless and I'm too tired to walk even. To try and be a little bit positive, I've had a shower and pointed the hairdryer at my head, so I smell a little sweeter.

Now there's a thing. Hairdryers and all things hairy. I keep my hair very short and after it's been washed I only wave the hairdryer about to dry it. It requires no styling, other than a bit of gel to spike the top and give it a messy look. Although I do quite like this style, it would be lovely sometimes to have a hair cut that I can style and look a bit better than it currently does. The sole reason that I don't have a styled hair cut is that I am simply incapable of styling it in my current state of mind. It's one of those things that just won't go right, no matter what I do to it. How do I know this? Well, I've tried styling it when it has grown out a little. I know how the hairdresser would do it, but I always end up with something flat and shapeless, and me almost in tears. So it's simpler this way. It's like a short back and sides with a messy bit on top. This is another way that I'll be able to tell I'm getting better - I'll have a hair do!

I really wanted to go out this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself get in the shower in time. This may sound a bit daft, but there's a dog missing locally. She went missing a few days ago, in a wooded area quite close to where I live. There are quite a lot of people out looking for her, and I wanted to go up there and help. It's a very large area that she's gone missing in, and I understand that although she is a large dog, she is very timid and difficult to approach. Maybe we'll be able to go there when tch comes home later.

A complete lack of self confidence.

Such a quiet day today. Tch was out of the house for several hours helping family to take rubbish to the tip. Not something I could have been much help with, requires a few muscles to lift and carry. So I stayed here and got a few little tasks done. I'm noticing that I'm procrastinating a lot when it comes to having a go at my craft stuff. This morning I spent a while cleaning old cutlery in readiness for making dog/cat food forks. When I was finished though I didn't have a try at making one, I've just brought them upstairs and left them in my craft room. These days I only spend time in here on my laptop, it's ages since I actually made anything. Any time I sit here and have a try, I get this 'I can't do this' feeling and everything turns out rubbish. It's a complete lack of self confidence. Recognising it as such is a step in the right direction, I guess.

Flea market and memory problems.

It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.

I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.

For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.

I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.

There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.

Nice day Nanna!

Good day today, even though I went back to bed this morning. It was only because I was so tired, and not thru depression.

It's made a huge difference having tch at home. He's home through the school holidays, until early September. Today I've not accomplished much, unlike the past few days when I've done all sorts of housework stuff. Even so, the day has been good.

The kitten is making me smile a lot. She is wearing a lampshade collar because she's had the op to be spayed. Now every time she shakes herself she falls over. This is not funny. It would be cruel to laugh at her... She's very sweet though, and keeps coming for cuddles (not like her usually) I think she's upset by the vet visits and isn't used to the collar yet.

Had a visit from small grandson N yesterday. We looked after him for a couple of hours. He's just turned six, and lovely to be with. He does not stop talking. At all. I don't mind though, it's so good to see him. He helped Grandad out in the garden for a while and then came in to me for a bit. He is one of the grandchildren that calls me Nanna, and I love it so. To most of them I'm just J but a couple of them call me Nanna. I do so wish I could get more of them to do this, but if I have to ask, well, it defeats the object really, doesn't it.

and Sally aka Tripod is lumpy again :(

Strange day, I seem to have been chasing my tail all day but not got very far. I really feel as though I've not stopped today. I've tidied kitchen cupboards, and thrown out all the out of date stuff. Anyone fancy some oyster sauce, expiry date 2014? No? Aaah, go on! It's all looking a lot tidier now, so I'm pleased with that.

I furminated the dog, that's getting rid of loads of fluffy undercoat. Reason for that is I wanted to wash her, and her fur will clog the plughole if I don't do that first. Seriously bad news, while furminating her I found another lump. It's close to the root of her tail and I think this may be the reason she's been biting in that area. Seems maybe the vet was wrong and her glands weren't blocked, it was this lump irritating her. I'm surprised the vet didn't see it considering it's so close to her bum, and the vet was getting very up close and personal in that area! I've told tch about the lump. He says we'll take her on a few short days out, like the beach where she can lie down and rest a lot. I didn't ask him what he thought we should do after that. I don't think he knows, I certainly don't. What good will it do to have it tested? If it's all fine then that's great but I think it's fairly obvious this is another tumour. If that's the case, it won't change what we do. We have already decided it would not be fair to her to keep putting her through these operations to remove the tumours. I think the plan will be to ask the vet for advice towards palliative care for her. Trouble is, she groans and moans so much anyway, it's going to be hard to know when she's really in pain. The term 'drama queen' was invented for our Sal!

The kitten has survived her operation (spayed) and is still treating us both with a fair degree of caution. Tch more so than me, as he was the one who caught her and took her to the vet. Me good cop, heh heh. She's still a little jumpy as she's still getting used to the buster collar and bumping into everything. She doesn't run from us now, but tomorrow she has her post op checkup and it will be time for the cat carrier again. She may not speak to us for a week after that. She's one step nearer to going outside though - yippee!

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Duvet day and dopey dog.

Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.

I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.

When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.

Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.

Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.