Ho Ho Hum.

Well, it's very nearly Christmas, the 21st of December actually.

It can be a daunting time for any depressive. I've been feeling okay for the last few days, though I hit a low about a week ago. My mood lately can ping from depression to wide-awake-let's-do-something in just a few hours. I spent several days feeling very low and dreading the whole Christmas thing, unprepared, so much to do... the whole thing.

I slept a  huge amount. So tired lately, that has a big effect on my depression. Had blood tests done, showed thyroid problem and iron deficiency. Both very small deficits tho, so they don't really account for feeling I can't climb the stairs. I've asked for my vitamin D levels to be checked, that was the problem last time it was very low. With the Christmas break I can't have the blood test until 29th Dec. Nothing I can do about that, so just have to live with it. Even then it will take 2 weeks for the results to be available. I remember that from the last time. How I wish I'd spoken up and asked the doc to request this test with the others.

Anyway, I slept a whole lot, and am feeling quite a bit better these last couple of days. Between us, me and tch, we have all the family's presents sorted and today I've cleaned at home quite a bit.

It's just me and tch on Christmas Day. I am so so pleased about that. We were due to go down to my family but with my health and the dog seeming to be gradually incontinent, we're staying here. Dog peed over the sofa cushions once and the other day (when I went out for the blood tests), she did a poo on the dining room floor. When we go to my family she has to cope for 12 hours on her own. It's never been a problem before and only twice a year, but we both think the time has come to not leave her on her own if we can help it. She has cancer, amongst other things. We really never thought we would still have her last Christmas, and here we are another year on and she's doing really well.

On Boxing Day we have all of tch's family coming up here (hence the manic cleaning) He has four children and with all of the partners and grandchildren, we shall be 24. I don't know why I worry about this, tch does all the cooking, we are well prepared now, and everyone is really nice. It's just having so many people here at once. We can't all fit into one room, so we just put a buffet out and everyone finds a seat where they can. I worry about looking after everyone, and talking to everyone. Then I get sidetracked by someone asking for something and I'll get confused. The confusion and the forgetfulness is why I don't cook. If I cook it's like 'what's that smell?' then 'what are those flames?' Okay, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean.

I had hoped for a day or so in between Christmas Day and the family coming, but I'm determined not to let the worry spoil Christmas Day.

I'm not one for socialising at all. There's a reason I get a vitamin D deficiency, I don't go out at all unless I have to. So I don't get any sun. Tomorrow though, I have to go out. Do you see, I always say 'I have to'? It's a very small social thing for Christmas, only about 6 of us, a few nibbles. It's very nice to see people, but I wish I could just be a fly on the wall. That way I could see them, and know they're okay, but not have to join in. I just want to stay here at home. Once I've been out for a short while this little voice starts up in my head, 'I want to go home' 'I want to go home', over and over and over again. Tomorrow I'm getting a lift there, so no leaving early for me. It's my mental health worker picking me up, so she will understand if I'm a bit jittery.

Are you depressive too? How are you coping with the whole Christmas/family thing? Do you have any coping strategies that you'd like to share?

Happy Happy Christmas xxx

No, really, I'm okay.

The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!

Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.

He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.

Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.

How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!

I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!

To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.

Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)

I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.

All a bit forgotten and unwanted really.

That title sounds a little pathetic, but it's how I'm feeling at the mo.

Twice, several months ago, I was invited to two separate family celebrations. Both are about 150-180 miles away, so a long way to go considering we always do these visits there and back in one day. Anyway, I saw both sides of the family in August when we were all there for another party. Nobody made mention of either of these upcoming events that I'd been invited to. Now, both have come and gone, and nobody remembered they'd invited me, and I'm feeling very dismal about the whole thing. Why didn't I say something? Well, I left it too long, I think. If I'd said something when we were all together then, yes that would have been fine. To ask about it afterwards, closer to the time, would have seemed like a request, I mean they could hardly say no then.

I have always seen my family to be very small, there's really not many of us at all. Now though, since one has married and there's now another husband and another child, it's getting big enough to be insular. Does that make any sense? When we were only a few, I always had invitations and was up to date, mostly, with what was happening in the family. Now though, they don't need me. I have no life going on, nothing really to talk about and I feel I'm excluded. When you say 'Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?' you really don't want to hear, nothing, stayed in bed a lot, didn't leave the house much.

Don't take too much notice of me, I'm just rambling today, and feeling low. The thing is, the first invitation was from an elderly relative who forgets a lot, so no problem really. The second invitation was from a relative of my own age and was to a first birthday party. I was looking forward to it such a lot, but when I contacted her Mum, she spoke of gifts that were easy to post. So that told me I wasn't going.

I've been spiralling downwards for a couple of weeks now. I put it down mainly to tch going back to school and me therefore being here alone such a lot. He's taken on more hours and is working 5 days a week now, instead of 4. Previously that one day off meant a break in the week, when he would be here and also a possibility that the car was available if I needed to go anywhere. I kid myself when I think I'd drive. I haven't driven for many months, probably more that a year. I used to arrange any medical apts for tch's day off and he'd drive me there. Now he's away the whole week.

Last night I went to bed around 6-7pm and slept right through to 11am. Tch did wake me before he went to work but I went straight back off to sleep again. I really don't want to be here right now.

Everyone has their own life going on. Everyone is busy living their life. Others do not understand what a life like mine means.

Tch comes home really tired and sometimes he's done a supermarket shop on the way home. I am riddled with guilt that I don't do this, nor do I go out to work or earn any money. Am a liability.

Giving it all away

Hello, I'm still here, I hope you're still there too.

On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.

The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.

How does one begin to learn to let go of things?

It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!

If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!

Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.

Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.

Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.

Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.

Still here.

Still here. That's good. I'm pretty sure that's good anyway. Not quite so often am I feeling I'd rather not be here. So, that's good.

I've been out of the house twice this week. Go me! I made it up to stepdaughter's house to see cute grandson on his 7th birthday. Only made it because tch came with, drove me there etc. When there is noise I get so confused. This bothers me a lot because I didn't used to be this way. It makes me feel that I'm somehow getting worse, not better. So I breathed and focused my attention on cute now-7-year-old. What better way to calm down than that? Did it work? Not entirely, but it was lovely to give him the attention and enter his imagination of play.

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor this week. Couldn't face going out that morning. I didn't know which bus stop to ask for a ticket to (does that make sense?) and tbh I don't care. When I'm depressed I don't care about myself at all, so missing a doctor's apt doesn't matter a bit. Apparently it's because of my thyroid. Yeah, ok, forget that one.

On the subject of not caring about myself much, I've got several gift sets in the cupboard. You know the sort of thing  I mean, a box containing bath treats, body lotion etc. With all of them I put the shower or bath lotions in the shower to be used daily and all the lotions end up going to a charity shop. You see, I'll have a shower but anything further, I just don't care whether my skin gets too dry. I can't be bothered to take the time to put on body lotion. I really wish that I could. I'd love to be one of those ladies with silky soft skin, with a body that's cared for. No, I have a shower and I have a hair style that I just point the hairdryer at because I'm incapable of styling it.

So anyway, going out. I went out today too, to the Ladies Circle. There's only about 6 of us, and I don't think we've managed one week where all six are attending. We all have a mental health condition. It was good to see them, they're lovely ladies. I'm still not sure that I want to continue there though. We went out today, only to the park across the road, but I didn't really want to do this. I like to be somewhere where no-one is likely to talk to me (apart from the ladies, of course).

I really wish I could get over the whole not wanting to go out thing. It's getting worse, not better. Now just thinking about somewhere I must go sends me almost into a panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a full blown panic attack, but this is the closest I've come. I'm hiding from the neighbours again too.

Well it's all a bit doom and gloom really. Sorry about that.

A little wine, perhaps...

Now I don't want to come in here and whine (have you guessed I'm going to?) but I'm not sure how long I can continue doing this. The whole get up in the morning and have a day thing.

The last couple of days it's been so hard just to put one foot in front of the other and climbing stairs is a nightmare. I have no energy, none whatsoever. I see no point in getting out of bed, and am frequently returning there again throughout the day. I really don't want to tell/discuss it with tch because then it becomes a thing, and with that I become a thing to be watched at all times. He knows I'm not well at the mo, and is being very thoughtful. To be honest, what I'd really like is to be left alone. Either to sleep or possibly to lie there composing my last will and testament. All thoughts are despondent and lead downwards to somewhere cold, bleak and dark.

It's not funny really, I just can't help it. Battlefield mentality, that's what it's called, or so I'm told.

It must be awful for anyone to find a dead body. Even if you're in the emergency services it's not right up there as 'Job of the Day' really, is it. Stay at home and your relatives will find you. Not to mention your partner will always remember you died right there. No stains, please.

So you go to a forest; to a hotel; to anywhere else and still Someone will find you. A lot of people would tell me not to care about them, that I'll be long gone be then and won't know anything about it (these people know nothing of my plans for haunting) but that's not me, I care that someone might be tootling along with their day and then, bam! Or squish, depending how long I've been there for.

The same goes for the whole jumping off things idea. Without the mess, or potential loss of life to retrieve a body from water, it's still rubbish. Other methods where there's no body, no death certificate is issued. Very awkward.

And so I carry on, and on. I make myself get up and get through each day. Lately I don't know how to do it, and if I'm starting to fail then I go back to bed again. To lie in the dark and the warm and hope to sleep and make the day go away.

I'm sorry this has been a real downer of an entry. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. I think the swing came back and hit me in the head.

Gloomy Tunes

Really really naff day today. Was supposed to go out this morning, didn't go. Went back to bed instead. Only been up a couple of hours and going back there again in a mo.

It's like a fog, I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to accomplish anything. Everything I try to do goes wrong or looks wrong. Definitely doesn't look right anyways. I've said before that it's like wading through soup and it really is. The push needed just to climb the stairs is humungous (is this really a word?).

In respect of doing anything craft related, I've completely lost any mojo I may have thought I had. Haven't made a card in eons (is that how you spell it?) and I think my metal stamping equipment must be gathering dust.

I can reason with myself, I can see that my thinking is flawed. I look on the internet at someone else's metal stamped examples and I can see that some of mine is just as good. Not all of it, let's be realistic. Even so, anything I've tried to do ends up in the bin, I think it's rubbish. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I try is rubbish.

So. If I can reason with myself, why do I still believe my thought process that it's all rubbish? I have no idea. Answers on a postcard, please.

It's a rollercoaster, baby.

That's what life is a little bit like for me at the moment, a rollercoaster. I'd like to say it's a long and exciting ride, but no. Life is this way because of depression. One day is good and I get a lot of housey-type stuff done, the next day is terrible and I don't feel strong enough to hardly walk upstairs, let alone accomplish anything.

Last week I spent a couple of days in bed, needing to completely switch off. I've been having suicidal thoughts too. It's like a plan, lying there in the back of my mind, constantly poking at me. I make plans in my head of how to sort out my business affairs. Few people would miss me. No, really, that's not me being dramatic, I have very little family and tch's family would only really notice the effect upon him. That's been the main reason for not carrying this any further. Tch would be very sad, I know he would, and I can't do that to him.

Anywhere I go, I don't want to be there. No, I tell a lie, we took the dog to the beach the week before last. The weather was so awful there were hardly any other people there. It was lovely. Just me, tch and the dog.

My mental health worker came today. She's very good. She has set up a group of us to meet weekly. I've not been to very many of the meetings though, I stayed at home (as per usual). Some company has offered to do t-shirts for us, free of charge, and I've been putting some ideas together. That stirred me a bit, got my interest.

I would so like to not have to go out at all, well, just for two weeks say. To know that for two weeks I didn't have to go anywhere and could stay here. I hope my anxiety levels would decrease then.

My mental health worker knew I had a suicide plan a while ago. She tried to get me to change things, to get rid of the plan, but I didn't. If I do that, then I won't have a way out. I may not act upon it now, but if something ever happens to tch, if he dies first, then I think I'd need it because then there would be nothing.

Depressing post. Can't even be bothered to read it back through. Hope things are better by next time.