Not again...

Yes, again. I should have gone to the craft group this morning, but I sent a msg to my mental health worker that I wasn't going. Am a bit sad that I didn't go, but as I've had a crap few days I know the  best thing for me was to stay at home.

I spent most of yesterday in my bed. I had breakfast around 9am, went back to bed about 11am and got back up at 5pm. Still slept all thru the night. I know that I need this, because if I didn't need it I'd be awake in the night, unable to sleep having slept so much in the daytime. The ch was out at work, not home until 19:30ish.

I don't publicise the fact that my depression hits me like this. The only one who sees me as I truly am is the ch, and even he doesn't know much about the suicidal thoughts that I sometimes have.

Instead, I do what so many depressives do, I sparkle. I'm cheerful and a bit chatty and I really don't think anyone would know there was anything wrong.

Don't misunderstand me, my family and the ch's family know I have depression, all the adult ones anyway. Maybe the way I hide it is reinforcing the stigma against depression. I've done this 'sparkly' thing for so may years now that it's almost impossible to stop it. It's been very difficult attending a psychiatrist appointment and trying to talk to someone who is almost a stranger about how I really feel. Really goes against the grain and I find myself beginning to do the sparkly thing again.

Today has been a big improvement on yesterday. I did crawl back into my bed again this morning, but have since been up since midday and glory be, I've had a shower! Now there's a radical improvement!!

I type this with a small kitten crawling over me and over the keyboard, so my apologies for any stray letters which may get in unnoticed. She's very cute, and very inquisitive! Yes, I should stop her, but she's my favourite anti-depressant at the moment! I have a larger cat who is constantly pestered by this little kitten climbing all over her and play-fighting. The larger cat spends more time in the garden these days, as the kitten is not allowed outside yet. When I go back to bed, the larger cat comes and snuggles between my shoulder blades, and the kitten behind my knees. This is so lovely, I can't begin to tell you how much this soothes me.



This is the two of them. You have to stare at it for a bit in order to make out who's who. That's the kitten's head at the top and the long-suffering 2yd old cat's face underneath. Cute, but I have to tell you the kitten was biting the other cat's face at the time I took the photo.

Now there's another thing: I made my first card since before Christmas. It's crap in my opinion, but it looks okay. Let me explain that last statement. It's crap because all I did was cut stuff out and stick it on a card blank and that's not the way I prefer to do things. It looks okay though, and I guess it's good for being the first one in more that six months.

Not today thank you.

I was invited to go to a retreat/mindfulness day today. The ch was already booked to go, and he asked if I'd like to go along too. I've done an 8 week course in mindfulness (one day a week) and I knew it would be a beneficial thing for me to do. There was to be yoga too. It was only for four hours. No surprises then when I say I didn't go. It was to be a silent retreat for the most part. As I'm someone who doesn't like talking to people, it would have been a fab opportunity to socialise a little while not having to talk very much either.

Yep, I am a little cross with myself for not going. I did what felt right for me, and that's all I can do. Putting pressure on myself to go to the retreat would only have stressed me more. Instead I have gotten a few things done at home, done a little reading and furminated the dog. Excellent!

What's furminating the dog, I hear you cry? It's a little tool, much like a razor. You use it on the dog's fur and it is designed to only remove the finer undercoat of the dog's fur. Summer's just around the corner (we hope!) and the dog is shedding her winter coat all over the house. And I do mean ALL over the house! It seems like five minutes after I hoover there's dog hair everywhere again. I do it outdoors. I'm pretty sure the neighbours are mystified as to where all these little clouds of fluffiness are coming from. I just flies up into the air all over the place, so I have to check no-one's has any washing out on the line first. They'd take the dry laundry back in and it would be furry!

I know I'm focusing on the failures, but I didn't go on the walk on friday either. My mental health worker set it up locally just for me (all the other activities are a little way from me and hard to get to) I could use the excuse that the weather wasn't fab, but it wasn't raining at the starting time.

Focus on the positives? Yeah, yeah, I know. I can't help it, I guess it's something I need to work on.

Just came across this, seems to fit perfectly.

What's that funny smell?

Ah yes, fresh air! That'll be it!

Yes I went out today. And yesterday. Whoa, I'll be giddy soon. I think that's been pretty much the longest that I've stayed in the house for quite a while. The longer I stay home, the harder it becomes to go out.

I had already committed myself to going out yesterday, only into the village where the ch needed to get to the bank. When we got there I very nearly stayed in the car, but I'm so pleased to say I walked with him. Even went for a little look around in the charity shop next door. That was a bit of a disaster financially as I only discovered when I arrived back home that I had change from £5... but I'd given a £10 note. Economical purchase just became not so economical! I can't afford to just lose £5, but am not going back. I know my limits, and challenging shop staff in not yet within my remit!

Today my mental health worker E took me to a craft group. I used to go to this one quite a long time ago, but then E had a meeting scheduled every Weds and could no longer take me. It's only for a couple of hours. I remembered a couple of the ladies there, so that helped. Most of them crochet or knit but I'm mostly card craft. I took materials to make some gift tags, but also took my adult colouring book in case I felt unable to concentrate enough to make anything. I made one tag, which I wasn't particularly pleased with, but I guess that wasn't really the point. I went out, I went into a group that I hardly knew and I stayed and chatted with them. That's a big achievement, for me anyway. My most in-depth conversations usually are with the kitten! Mind you, she does purr a lot at me and that's very therapeutic as well!

Merry Meds

Today I had a phone call from my psychiatrist. I mean, wow! She's never phoned me before. You'd have to threatening to open a vein just to get an appointment usually. Okay, slight exaggeration, poetic licence.

She rang about my lithium levels. I'm on some kind of roller coaster when it comes to my lithium recently. My dosage was 1000mg, then increased to 1200mg, then decreased back down to 1000mg. Today she wants me to decrease further, to 900mg. These changes are all over the last couple of months. I understand the changes to a certain degree, lithium has a very narrow therapeutic range and can be harmful if taken outside of this range. Since I've been back on 1000mg my blood level has been at 1.0 which is bang on the topmost range.

The upshot of all this, and my cause for concern, is that I'll be dropping to 900mg which is a lower dose than I've been on for several years. Scary. It's no good only looking at the negative side of this, there are positives too. The shakiness in my hands (and sometimes whole body) should reduce, maybe even stop alltogether, who knows. My thyroid has gone a bit weird too over the last few months, so I'm thinking if that's connected to the increased lithium, then maybe that will fall back into line too. Lithium affected my thyroid a couple of years ago for quite a while.

I've not been wanting to go out of the house again. We had two funerals to go to, on the same day recently. I didn't go to either of them and I really regret this, as I knew I would. One was a friend I hadn't seen for a while but was in regular contact with on facebook and the other was the daughter of a friend.

Why don't I want to go out? I think the main reason is that I don't want to talk to anyone. I can handle getting ready, apart from the whole 'nothing fits me' thing; and I can handle driving, parking, shopping, paying at the checkout. It's the social side of things that I just can't handle. It's always been this way. When it was my job to talk to people, no problem. Put me in a social situation and I just can't do it. My stress levels go through the roof. For me it's not 'stranger danger' but more a case of 'family phobia'!

Well, it's been a while hasn't it. Life is carrying on, sometimes with me and sometimes without me.

Recently I had a psych apt, and she upped my lithium because I'd  been feeling so low. Then I had a review and my lithium levels were waaay to high. So that's why I had a permanent case of the shakes! Would you like your tea or stirred? Oops, sorry, I only do shaken.

Lithium levels have since been restored to a more acceptable level. The reading is right on the cusp, so to speak, though. The highest it can be is 1.0 and it's right up there. I use a local pharmacy to collect my meds, and she's very thorough. I just know she's not going to be happy with the current result of 1.0 so I'm thinking of using an alternative one where they don't even check the result. That's really not the way it should be, me leaving the pharmacist that is so good and going to another one who's less meticulous. I can't stand the stress of it tho, so I'll probably go elsewhere.

My crafting is at an all time low. I've not made any cards since last year. I'd started making hand-stamped metal jewellery, but haven't made anything for a couple of months. I keep having the thoughts that I just can't do it. Anything I begin doesn't go right or doesn't look right. That's a nightmare with the metal stamped jewellery, one wrong strike and the piece is ruined. I'm guessing that having such shaky hands has been a factor, but even so, I'm disappointed I've not made anything.

I think I'm going to be returning to a craft group that's fairly local. It's just an hour or so, one morning a week. I think me mental health support worker is going to take me there. Without a lift from her I can't go. It's not far away, but it's a 2 hour journey with 2 busses and a half hour wait in between. It's bound to cost around £8 as well, and I can't afford that every week.

The psych told me I must keep busy, hence me looking for different groups to join. I'm to find another choir, and I'm to go out for a walk with the dog every day. I don't go out of the house very much at all, so that's just not going to happen. I saw her over a week ago and haven't been out with the dog once. My mental health worker is fab, she's found a couple of choirs locally. They rehearse in the evenings, so all I've got to do is decide on one of them and make contact. Trouble is, I feel like shit lately and really don't want to go out anywhere, let alone somewhere new.

There were 2 funerals on the same day this week that I wanted to attend. They were well spaced apart so I could have easily gone to both. I got up early for the first one, but I felt so low that I didn't go. The same for the one in the afternoon. Now I'm feeling so guilty that I didn't go. Knowing it's daft to be feeling guilty doesn't stop the feelings.

Knowing I shouldn't be feeling this way, knowing all the reasons why I shouldn't be feeling this way... it doesn't stop me feeling this way.

If only it were possible to turn off my emotions for a while, maybe then I could function normally. I think that's why I take to my bed when I'm really low, to switch off for a while. Doesn't work tho, it's all there when I wake up again.