Hello folkies, I've not posted for a few days. I'd like to say it was because I was so busy, that I had a life, but no. I've been pretty much nowhere and done nothing.
I'm stressing about Christmas. I'm trying not to let the anxiety take over my life, but even I have noticed that I don't cease fiddling with my fingers/hands even when I'm supposedly sitting relaxing.
I've learnt a lot about anxiety over time, and now I try to think through everything that's going on at the moment in my life, and try to pinpoint the things that are making me most anxious.
Now it's the whole going away for the day that's the main worry. We're not staying overnight, I've been able to tell them that I don't want to be away from home overnight. I had been going to lie and say I'd left it too late to book the dog into kennels, but I know that if I give an actual reason like that (even if it's a lie) it's possible for someone to suggest an alternative. So I've told the truth and this will also show them that I'm not well. They seem to want me to sparkle so much and in the past I've hidden my emotions and played along. That leads to so much adrenaline, and leaves me exhausted afterwards. Anyway the news was accepted and no-one has tried to persuade me to stay. Yet. Someone did say 'see how you feel' as though I could decide whether to stay over on the day. I was too tired to point out I would need to have my meds with me, and what about the dog.
I really think a lot of people are of the opinion that depression/anxiety is not a real illness. The lady who suggested I see how I felt on the day, about staying the night, she thinks that it won't hurt to go without my meds for one night. It really, really annoys me. No-one would say that to someone with a heart condition. One of the meds I take is lithium. I ran out once and had to go a day without it. I had feelings of nausea and headaches, not recommended. I also take venlafaxine, and mirtazipine also on the highest dose.
Add to that, one family member who will be there has passed comment that no-one has depression for this long. I can't answer that one really.
Then the older generation there, they worry about me and so I feel the need to make them think I'm doing fine. It's like being pulled in all sorts of directions.
This year, I'm going to try very hard to just be me. That's very hard because I've kind of conditioned myself to sparkle and be lively in company for so many years. It reminds me of first going to see the psychiatrist and later the psychologist. These were both strangers to me. For years I've pretended to be fine to strangers (mostly at work) and now I should be the real me and talk to these people about stuff I wouldn't tell anyone. And they were strangers to me. I found it very hard. Anyway, back to this Christmas, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to find a seat with my back to the wall and stay there. I know people will come and talk to me, but I shall tell myself that's because they like me and they want to talk to me. I'm not getting involved with anything else. I've worked out we'll be there about 8 hours.
When we get home we'll have Saturday to get over it, and then we have all my husband's side of the family up to ours. I find that easier. I know there's a lot to do and I'm absolutely knackered by the end of the day, but that's kind of the point. I will have a lot to do. I'm not sitting around chatting, that's the part I find so hard. I'll be making tea/coffee/soft drinks, putting food out, all kinds of stuff really. In short, I shall have purpose. Also, all the adults know I'm not well and accept who I am. I read this quote the other day about Eeyore, it said that all his friends knew he was always miserable but they always invited him along anyway and accepted him for who he was. I thought that was lovely.
My coping strategy for Christmas Day is to sit in one place and stay there as much as possible. If anyone makes that comment I mentioned earlier I shall be calm, but instead of ignoring it like I usually would, I shall say calmly and quietly 'are you saying I should pull myself together?' I will not ignore these barbs, but I will respond calmly.
My coping strategy for the Sunday, when all the kids come up, is to keep busy and to get as many hugs as I possibly can! I think one of the best things is that I know if I don't feel well enough I can just disappear off upstairs and they will leave me alone. It's very calming just knowing that.
Christmas Day there will be 11 of us. Sunday there will be 22 of us.
That's mad. You'd think I'd be more worried about the Sunday. I'm learning that if I keep moderately busy then I cope better. Bring on Dec 28th when it will be all over and life will become quiet again. I love Christmas, but I can't cope with all the people.
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