So, the general idea now is to be doing something as often as I can. Not completely sure what 'something' is, but maybe if I can make my brain think of other things then my mood will improve. Not a brilliant theory, I know. This morning (yes it was morning and I was vertical) I've been cleaning, and this afternoon I've been finishing off some rings I started the other day. The women's support group that my mental health worker takes me to on a Thurs is concluding this week and I thought I'd make a ring for each of them. They're not bad, I'll try and do a photo...
They're a bit sparkly too, because it's Christmas, but you can't really see that in the photo. As always, I'm not happy with the results. The two at the back I made freehand ages ago, and they're smaller. The ones I've just finished are made using a metal cutting die and they're bigger, too big I think. I guess some people would like them big, different tastes. Well, they are what they are.
That's a phrase I've learnt from the ch, 'it is what it is'. It's all part of learning what I am able to change and accepting that it's no good becoming anxious over something I can't change. It's good, but I admit I still worry. Like these rings. I've used up all the blanks I had, so cannot make more. I know the ladies will appreciate that I wanted to make them all something, but I guess I feel judged and found wanting. In other words, they are not good enough and I've made something second rate. The key thing here is that I've already made that decision and they haven't even seen them yet. Crazy I know, I can't help it, but at least I know I'm doing it. That's a step forward.
I just want to tell you something else. Tomorrow I will go for an ultrasound scan, it's to check they have been able to remove all the cancerous nasties last year. I had a total abdominal hysterectomy at the end of last year, and along with benign cysts and suchlike they found a cancerous mass on my right ovary. The lovely gynae lady said it seemed to be all contained when they removed it, and all was well. I've had a couple of check-ups this year, and this one was to be the last. Before she examined me she said she was going to be happy to discharge me. Then after the examination she decided I needed a scan to check. To someone with depression and anxiety this is something similar to lighting the blue touchpaper! I'm trying not to think about it. I don't know why, because that never works. The ch must have sussed that I'm worried about it, he's taking tomorrow off to be able to come with me. There won't be any info tomorrow though, the results won't be available for about a week. So, this is whirling around in my brain currently. Along with the whole Christmas thing and the stresses attached to that. I am having frequent thoughts of running away and hiding under the duvet, but instead and trying the 'keep busy' thing instead. Cross your fingers for me, will you? I need some luck.
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