More thoughts on death and dying today. Fractionally more positive than suicide, but now about what happens if I die first, or what happens if the ch dies first. I've thought about the physical things, like bank accounts and suchlike, but what about if I die, what will he do? I think he'd be fine, he's loads of family nearby. One of his daughters is only just a short walk away.
Would I cope? I have suicidal thoughts fairly often already, so I'm not sure I'd cope alone. I wouldn't want help from tch's family, I don't think I'll ever stop believing that they are only friendly to me because I'm married to him. No, I think I'd just curl up at home.
I do envy these people who seem able to live happily after a partner has died. They volunteer in charity shops and do all manner of things. I'm not upbeat enough for that, I lack all motivation.
Update on the aroma-homa, not really smelling a whole lot sweeter today. I have given up with the chemical sprays and have scrubbed the living daylights out of the bathroom carpet today. It looks a whole lot better, but there's still a smell. tch reminded me last night that we put earth inside a litter tray, along with the litter, when previously we had to keep the elderly cat indoors following an operation. That might just work, and she might pee in there instead of on the carpet, but I've got to get rid of the scent from the carpet first. Scent? Pong morelike! Oh, and the kitten has peed behind the sofa again. I think the saying 'it never rains, but it pours' has never been more true! Yellow rain too! Sorry, was that tmi?
I'm feeling guilty. It's a sunny day today and neighbours are out in their gardens. I can hear next door mowing their lawn and there's someone across the road working in the garden. I feel guilty because I'm here, staying indoors, not doing anything. Our garden is in a bad state, and I won't go outside to do it. Today would have been an ideal day for laundry too, but I don't want to go outside and hang it out in case someone talks to me. This feeling comes and goes. I know there have been times, many times, that I've either worked in the garden or gone outside to hang washing out. I just don't know what makes the feeling come, or what makes it go.
If I could make one wish, in terms of my health, it would be to know what causes my depression to come, and what causes it to lift. Yeah, okay, that's two wishes, but you know what I mean. Why do I wake up some mornings and plan the things I'll do that day, and then wake up another morning and lack the strength/motivation to get out of bed? Answers on a postcard, please.
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