Shitty few days - where did they come from?

Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.

Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.

I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.

I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.

I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family  live 170+miles away, and are very few.

D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.

Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Can I have some good news, please? Huh?

Well, we've had the news about the two tumours removed from lumpy-dog Sally. It's not good, both were tumours. We already knew the large one was a mast tumour, but the small one (the one the vet didn't think was a tumour at all) is a nasty one, and quite rare. It stems from the follicle, I think. The report indicates they think all the bad stuff is removed, so let's hope they're right. I suppose the good news is that Sal is oblivious to the whole situation, unaware that death could be just around the corner. She's quite happy. Apart from the fact that she has to wear the lampshade collar, which of course is all our fault and so she gives the cold shoulder frequently. Until a treat is offered. What a tart!

Tch has started the summer break and is off work until early September, in line with the Summer holidays. A break in the lovely weather, it's pouring with rain, so we're confined to the house today. I love the times when I don't have to go anywhere, it relaxes me a little. It's Sunday today too, so no delivery/business folk will knock the door. Bliss. Today I don't even feel guilty for enjoying staying at home, just the two of us.

We went to see my middle stepdaughter R yesterday, one of our grandson had a birthday yesterday. Lovely visit, we don't see them often enough.

Quick update on the smelly cat situation. We think we've stopped the kitten peeing behind the sofa... yay!... but now she sometimes pees on the bathroom carpet. Same place as the elderly cat does it. I suppose it keeps the problem contained to one area. Still stinks in there though. I intend to ask the vet tomorrow whether she's old enough to be spayed. Once that's out the way and all healed, the cat flaps can be opened, and we may need to fork out for a new carpet!

Here's the little cutie kitten:

I know, she looks so innocent. To be fair, it's the elderly Katie that's creating the problem. She's getting old now, I dread something happening to her.

My mood's been quite good lately. I haven't been out very much, my mental health worker is on hol this week and so won't be taking me to the craft club. Also, I told her I wasn't going last week. I am so happy about this, I know I shouldn't be like this, but I don't want to go out and this way I don't have to! I went to the gp surgery for a blood test, does that count as going out? I think so. It went really well too. I was only booked for diabetes check, but she agreed to do lithuim (should have had it 5 weeks ago) and vitamin D (should have had it eons ago). I thought I may be frowned upon at the very least as both were so overdue, but all was fine. Phew!

Back to the vet in the morning, again, to have Sal's wound checked. It's the surgery scar that she bit into. Slight problem for me, I need to be feeling well (depression-wise) to do this. It's because everyone, and I really mean Everyone, wants to talk when they see Sal. She had a leg amputated in March, and in addition now has two surgery scars and a cone on her head. Everyone I meet is all, 'Awww, love her, how did that happen?' I never thought she'd cope being recently on three legs and new wearing the cone, but she does really well.

This is Sally, after the amputation but before the new tumours developed:

What a positive day!!

Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.

First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.

I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.

Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.

The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.

My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!

When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.

Good weekend.

Life in Smellyville is improving greatly. The bathroom now smells strongly of Domestos, it's like walking into a public swimming baths. I've been recommended a product to deter the cat from the area, so I'm hoping that will be a winner on two levels. Firstly to stop her peeing there, and secondly to get rid of the smell of the bleach. I know bleach is a no-no for this kind of thing, but I just couldn't stand the stench of cat urine any longer. I am so glad we didn't have any visitors during that time, I would have been mortified because of the smell. This whole problem has had a big effect on my mood.

I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.

Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.

Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.

This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!

I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.

Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!

Not a good day. Waiting on the phone.

Am feeling absolutely crap today. There's really no logical reason why I should feel so low and so sad.

However, the positives... I'm up. Not actually showered or dressed yet, but I'm up. It's not long after noon here. I've done a couple of minor housework bits. Oh yeah, and I've put my idea into action to stop the kitten peeing behind the sofa. I'm trying to have her not want to walk there, and to that end I've scattered the floor with talcum powder. It's a hard floor, so I'm hoping this will put her off.

Still no further forward with the bathroom though. This is where the elderly cat has been peeing. It's really getting me down. I scrubbed it not end yesterday, but still it smells today. Aside from ripping up the carpet I just don't know what to do. It's going to be the end of August before I can open the cat flaps (kitten not allowed out) and it's going to drive me crazy by then. I guess if I can't sort it out we'll just have to put up with it until August and then find the money for a new carpet.

Money issues are not ideal in the summer break, tch works in schools and has six weeks off. That's great, but being self-employed that also means no wage.

Today I feel that I just don't care. All I really want to do is go back to my bed and pull the duvet over my head.

We have several family birthdays around this time. So it's then time to pull on the happy face and sparkle away! It's my grandson's birthday today and I don't know where to find the motivation to be there. He's a gorgeous little boy, and he's one of the few who call me Nanna. That means such a lot to me. I shall ask tch to stay by my side and try my best.

My dog had a leg amputated in March of this year, due to a lump which turned out to be cancer. Last weekend I found another lump, in her side or maybe in her upper GI tract. The vet took a sample on Monday and they will ring with the results. Scary.

I think maybe the whole dog thing is affecting me more that I thought it would. That's because today, as well as being grandchild's birthday, was our other dog's birthday. Now, I'm not crazy enough to celebrate the dog's birthday, but we always used to tell our grandson that he shared his birthday, and that the dog was only a little older that him. If you're not a pet person, I don't expect you to understand, but thinking about him, and worrying about this one's new lump, I think it's pulled me down a lot. I was already low and this hasn't helped.

My mental health worker is on holiday this week and so cannot take me to the craft club today. I'm glad, because I don't want to go out, but I wonder whether it would have lifted my mood a little if I'd had to push myself to go. Well, I'm going to have to push myself to go out to my stepdaughter's later, so we'll see how that goes. Meantime, I think I'm going to go back to my bed for a while, switching off will be good. Sometimes I wake up a bit better.

After you... No, after you...

More thoughts on death and dying today. Fractionally more positive than suicide, but now about what happens if I die first, or what happens if the ch dies first. I've thought about the physical things, like bank accounts and suchlike, but what about if I die, what will he do? I think he'd be fine, he's loads of family nearby. One of his daughters is only just a short walk away.

Would I cope? I have suicidal thoughts fairly often already, so I'm not sure I'd cope alone. I wouldn't want help from tch's family, I don't think I'll ever stop believing that they are only friendly to me because I'm married to him. No, I think I'd just curl up at home.

I do envy these people who seem able to live happily after a partner has died. They volunteer in charity shops and do all manner of things. I'm not upbeat enough for that, I lack all motivation.

Update on the aroma-homa, not really smelling a whole lot sweeter today. I have given up with the chemical sprays and have scrubbed the living daylights out of the bathroom carpet today. It looks a whole lot better, but there's still a smell. tch reminded me last night that we put earth inside a litter tray, along with the litter, when previously we had to keep the elderly cat indoors following an operation. That might just work, and she might pee in there instead of on the carpet, but I've got to get rid of the scent from the carpet first. Scent? Pong morelike! Oh, and the kitten has peed behind the sofa again. I think the saying 'it never rains, but it pours' has never been more true! Yellow rain too! Sorry, was that tmi?

I'm feeling guilty. It's a sunny day today and neighbours are out in their gardens. I can hear next door mowing their lawn and there's someone across the road working in the garden. I feel guilty because I'm here, staying indoors, not doing anything. Our garden is in a bad state, and I won't go outside to do it. Today would have been an ideal day for laundry too, but I don't want to go outside and hang it out in case someone talks to me. This feeling comes and goes. I know there have been times, many times, that I've either worked in the garden or gone outside to hang washing out. I just don't know what makes the feeling come, or what makes it go.

If I could make one wish, in terms of my health, it would be to know what causes my depression to come, and what causes it to lift. Yeah, okay, that's two wishes, but you know what I mean. Why do I wake up some mornings and plan the things I'll do that day, and then wake up another morning and lack the strength/motivation to get out of bed? Answers on a postcard, please.