and Sally aka Tripod is lumpy again :(

Strange day, I seem to have been chasing my tail all day but not got very far. I really feel as though I've not stopped today. I've tidied kitchen cupboards, and thrown out all the out of date stuff. Anyone fancy some oyster sauce, expiry date 2014? No? Aaah, go on! It's all looking a lot tidier now, so I'm pleased with that.

I furminated the dog, that's getting rid of loads of fluffy undercoat. Reason for that is I wanted to wash her, and her fur will clog the plughole if I don't do that first. Seriously bad news, while furminating her I found another lump. It's close to the root of her tail and I think this may be the reason she's been biting in that area. Seems maybe the vet was wrong and her glands weren't blocked, it was this lump irritating her. I'm surprised the vet didn't see it considering it's so close to her bum, and the vet was getting very up close and personal in that area! I've told tch about the lump. He says we'll take her on a few short days out, like the beach where she can lie down and rest a lot. I didn't ask him what he thought we should do after that. I don't think he knows, I certainly don't. What good will it do to have it tested? If it's all fine then that's great but I think it's fairly obvious this is another tumour. If that's the case, it won't change what we do. We have already decided it would not be fair to her to keep putting her through these operations to remove the tumours. I think the plan will be to ask the vet for advice towards palliative care for her. Trouble is, she groans and moans so much anyway, it's going to be hard to know when she's really in pain. The term 'drama queen' was invented for our Sal!

The kitten has survived her operation (spayed) and is still treating us both with a fair degree of caution. Tch more so than me, as he was the one who caught her and took her to the vet. Me good cop, heh heh. She's still a little jumpy as she's still getting used to the buster collar and bumping into everything. She doesn't run from us now, but tomorrow she has her post op checkup and it will be time for the cat carrier again. She may not speak to us for a week after that. She's one step nearer to going outside though - yippee!

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Happy dog and sleepy bunny

It's two o clock in the afternoon, so it's the middle of the day for me. So far the day has been good. We took the dog back for another post op check and they don't need to see her again, so that's great news. Tch mentioned she's been biting at her rear haunches and it seems her glands were blocked. I simply cannot tell you how relieved that has made me feel. I had jumped to the wrong conclusion that is was yet more tumours developing, but no, just her glands. If she keeps biting, then the vet will teach us how to express her glands ourselves. Deep joy. Can't wait for that one.

It's now half seven in the evening. I had to leave this aside when tch came to sit by me. I don't like anyone with me when I write this. Not sure if I want anyone that knows me to read my blog, it's my outlet to say how I feel and someone who knows me may not like what they read. I pretend to be well so often that I don't want those who know me to know the truth about how I feel. Is this prolonging the stigma of depression? I think maybe it is, but I have to keep it this way for my sanity.

I went back for a sleep this afternoon and slept for about three hours, quite a long time for me. This week has been a very busy one for me and I feel a lot better for the sleep. It was not a case of wanting to go to bed and switch off from the world, as was so often the case a little while ago. I'm really pleased with this progress.

Had some very good news at my appointment with the diabetic nurse. My sugar/glucose levels have improved drastically, a huge improvement. I'm quite surprised to be honest because I still eat a bit too much sugar. Comparing my results to the information sheet given to me on the diabetic course this week, my levels are still in the red zone, too high. The nurse today thought they were improving bigtime, so I'm pleased with than. In January it was 105, and now it's 65. The info sheet said the red zone was anything over 59. Pass me a Turkish Delight, I'm celebrating.

Dog tired and feeling pointless.

Today has been mostly good. We went for the second part of the diabetic course, still very interesting and informative. Bit too much info really, one of the subjects today was portion sizes. I think I'm eating for three. The lady showed us a matchbox and said this is the size of a portion of cheese. Well, I can eat that much cheese while I'm busy cutting up what I need for my meal. Not good. We've decided to try and make small changes, and so to achieve a better and more balanced diet gradually. Very gradually. No, slower than that...

We took the dog out for a walk this afternoon. For the first time ever, ever, ever, she couldn't walk home. We didn't go far, I would guess we were walking fairly slowly for about 20mins. Each time we stopped for a car to go past Sally sat down and sometimes laid down. She would not have done that six months ago. We got to a point where she just stopped and looked at us and then laid down. This is so unlike Sal. We used to walk miles, there's a scenic drive close to home and we'd walk the 10 miles from home, all the way round the drive and back home again. Tch walked the short distance home and brought the car to take her back home. We're both worried about her. Although the histology on the recent tumours says they're pretty confident it's all removed, I think she's already developing something more. Her breathing gets very laboured after only a little activity. Well, it is what it is, I guess. We shall just have to wait and see how she goes.

I'm having little short spells of really low mood. Most of the time I'm really good, but occasionally I just drop like a stone and think 'what's the point of all this' 'I may as well not be here'. I don't say anything to tch because I really don't want to talk about it. It kind of passes, but leaves me feeling emotional. I think it's good that I can recognise them, and to know they will pass, but in some circumstances the emotion can be embarrassing. If anyone is there with me and my eyes fill up with tears it's inevitable they will ask questions. How do you say to someone 'I'm just feeling suicidal' It's not going to happen. The minute I tell anyone at all, they'll tell somebody else and they'll all be watching me from the side and wondering what I'm going to do next. Nope, bottle it up, that's what I think. I know doing that's not good, but it's a damn site better than the alternative.