Ranting not so much

Okay, I'm not ranting so much today. I have to accept that no-body reading this cares in the slightest. Once I can get my head around that maybe I'll be a bit more accepting. Now I will just carry on with this for the way it helps me. It gets everything down on paper, sort of, and that helps a little. There are things I can't tell anyone who knows me, some because it's better for me and some because it's better for them.

I had an asthma & diabetic apt today. They were kind enough to make both on the same day for me. I don't like to go out of the house very much, and it may have meant two bus fares otherwise. As it was ch was able to take me. He doesn't work on a Thursday. The reality of that is usually each Thursday get filled up by all the things he can't do on alternate days due to being in work. Either way I see very little of him thru the week. Today tho, he was able to take me down to the surgery. I have tried to have a conversation about disempowering on a couple of occasions, it's great that he takes me to appointments but it would also help me to do stuff on my own occasionally too.

Probably a good thing he took me today tho, with hindsight. I got tearful at the apt, tho I tried hard not to. End result, a gp apt for next week and back on another day for blood pressure and asthma checks. My bp was all to pot because I'd been upset. I tried to calm my breathing while the apt progressed but I couldn't get it to come down.

Had a lovely lunch when we came home, ch had been food shopping whilst I was in the surgery. He's bought me lots of things I like, so I had a lovely lunch of a tin of soup and cheesey bread. Simple pleasures. He's gone out again now, Thursdays being what they are, he's gone to fit in an apt he can't do in a work day.

I was so upset this morning. Probably the tension of going to see the asthma nurse and diabetic one too. I cried the entire time in the shower, ch can't hear me in there over the sound of the water. I wish I could lose this huge emotional feeling, feels like loss. Still not much nearer to knowing why, though I do think it's got a lot to do with the whole childless thing. I have agreed to go to counselling with someone who has been recommended to ch. I don't know, sometimes I can't decide whether I want to crawl into my bed and pull the duvet over my head, or to drive/walk away and never be seen again Both really, have to get a motorhome, eh.