Giving it all away

Hello, I'm still here, I hope you're still there too.

On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.

The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.

How does one begin to learn to let go of things?

It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!

If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!

Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.

Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.

Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.

Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.

Still here.

Still here. That's good. I'm pretty sure that's good anyway. Not quite so often am I feeling I'd rather not be here. So, that's good.

I've been out of the house twice this week. Go me! I made it up to stepdaughter's house to see cute grandson on his 7th birthday. Only made it because tch came with, drove me there etc. When there is noise I get so confused. This bothers me a lot because I didn't used to be this way. It makes me feel that I'm somehow getting worse, not better. So I breathed and focused my attention on cute now-7-year-old. What better way to calm down than that? Did it work? Not entirely, but it was lovely to give him the attention and enter his imagination of play.

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor this week. Couldn't face going out that morning. I didn't know which bus stop to ask for a ticket to (does that make sense?) and tbh I don't care. When I'm depressed I don't care about myself at all, so missing a doctor's apt doesn't matter a bit. Apparently it's because of my thyroid. Yeah, ok, forget that one.

On the subject of not caring about myself much, I've got several gift sets in the cupboard. You know the sort of thing  I mean, a box containing bath treats, body lotion etc. With all of them I put the shower or bath lotions in the shower to be used daily and all the lotions end up going to a charity shop. You see, I'll have a shower but anything further, I just don't care whether my skin gets too dry. I can't be bothered to take the time to put on body lotion. I really wish that I could. I'd love to be one of those ladies with silky soft skin, with a body that's cared for. No, I have a shower and I have a hair style that I just point the hairdryer at because I'm incapable of styling it.

So anyway, going out. I went out today too, to the Ladies Circle. There's only about 6 of us, and I don't think we've managed one week where all six are attending. We all have a mental health condition. It was good to see them, they're lovely ladies. I'm still not sure that I want to continue there though. We went out today, only to the park across the road, but I didn't really want to do this. I like to be somewhere where no-one is likely to talk to me (apart from the ladies, of course).

I really wish I could get over the whole not wanting to go out thing. It's getting worse, not better. Now just thinking about somewhere I must go sends me almost into a panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a full blown panic attack, but this is the closest I've come. I'm hiding from the neighbours again too.

Well it's all a bit doom and gloom really. Sorry about that.

A little wine, perhaps...

Now I don't want to come in here and whine (have you guessed I'm going to?) but I'm not sure how long I can continue doing this. The whole get up in the morning and have a day thing.

The last couple of days it's been so hard just to put one foot in front of the other and climbing stairs is a nightmare. I have no energy, none whatsoever. I see no point in getting out of bed, and am frequently returning there again throughout the day. I really don't want to tell/discuss it with tch because then it becomes a thing, and with that I become a thing to be watched at all times. He knows I'm not well at the mo, and is being very thoughtful. To be honest, what I'd really like is to be left alone. Either to sleep or possibly to lie there composing my last will and testament. All thoughts are despondent and lead downwards to somewhere cold, bleak and dark.

It's not funny really, I just can't help it. Battlefield mentality, that's what it's called, or so I'm told.

It must be awful for anyone to find a dead body. Even if you're in the emergency services it's not right up there as 'Job of the Day' really, is it. Stay at home and your relatives will find you. Not to mention your partner will always remember you died right there. No stains, please.

So you go to a forest; to a hotel; to anywhere else and still Someone will find you. A lot of people would tell me not to care about them, that I'll be long gone be then and won't know anything about it (these people know nothing of my plans for haunting) but that's not me, I care that someone might be tootling along with their day and then, bam! Or squish, depending how long I've been there for.

The same goes for the whole jumping off things idea. Without the mess, or potential loss of life to retrieve a body from water, it's still rubbish. Other methods where there's no body, no death certificate is issued. Very awkward.

And so I carry on, and on. I make myself get up and get through each day. Lately I don't know how to do it, and if I'm starting to fail then I go back to bed again. To lie in the dark and the warm and hope to sleep and make the day go away.

I'm sorry this has been a real downer of an entry. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. I think the swing came back and hit me in the head.

Gloomy Tunes

Really really naff day today. Was supposed to go out this morning, didn't go. Went back to bed instead. Only been up a couple of hours and going back there again in a mo.

It's like a fog, I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to accomplish anything. Everything I try to do goes wrong or looks wrong. Definitely doesn't look right anyways. I've said before that it's like wading through soup and it really is. The push needed just to climb the stairs is humungous (is this really a word?).

In respect of doing anything craft related, I've completely lost any mojo I may have thought I had. Haven't made a card in eons (is that how you spell it?) and I think my metal stamping equipment must be gathering dust.

I can reason with myself, I can see that my thinking is flawed. I look on the internet at someone else's metal stamped examples and I can see that some of mine is just as good. Not all of it, let's be realistic. Even so, anything I've tried to do ends up in the bin, I think it's rubbish. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I try is rubbish.

So. If I can reason with myself, why do I still believe my thought process that it's all rubbish? I have no idea. Answers on a postcard, please.

It's a rollercoaster, baby.

That's what life is a little bit like for me at the moment, a rollercoaster. I'd like to say it's a long and exciting ride, but no. Life is this way because of depression. One day is good and I get a lot of housey-type stuff done, the next day is terrible and I don't feel strong enough to hardly walk upstairs, let alone accomplish anything.

Last week I spent a couple of days in bed, needing to completely switch off. I've been having suicidal thoughts too. It's like a plan, lying there in the back of my mind, constantly poking at me. I make plans in my head of how to sort out my business affairs. Few people would miss me. No, really, that's not me being dramatic, I have very little family and tch's family would only really notice the effect upon him. That's been the main reason for not carrying this any further. Tch would be very sad, I know he would, and I can't do that to him.

Anywhere I go, I don't want to be there. No, I tell a lie, we took the dog to the beach the week before last. The weather was so awful there were hardly any other people there. It was lovely. Just me, tch and the dog.

My mental health worker came today. She's very good. She has set up a group of us to meet weekly. I've not been to very many of the meetings though, I stayed at home (as per usual). Some company has offered to do t-shirts for us, free of charge, and I've been putting some ideas together. That stirred me a bit, got my interest.

I would so like to not have to go out at all, well, just for two weeks say. To know that for two weeks I didn't have to go anywhere and could stay here. I hope my anxiety levels would decrease then.

My mental health worker knew I had a suicide plan a while ago. She tried to get me to change things, to get rid of the plan, but I didn't. If I do that, then I won't have a way out. I may not act upon it now, but if something ever happens to tch, if he dies first, then I think I'd need it because then there would be nothing.

Depressing post. Can't even be bothered to read it back through. Hope things are better by next time.

God, politics and Father Christmas.

When children in the UK are small they are usually told about Father Christmas by their parents. They believe the stories because, after all, their parents have spoken, so it must be true. Not only that but their teachers, other adults and other children all believe it too, so it MUST be true.

Not once do they question the logistics of this jolly old man. He travels the whole world in one night; he knows whether every child has been naughty or nice; he knows exactly what every child wants for Christmas. He visits every house by coming down the chimney, that one has been amended in recent years to his arriving via the front door with a special key if there is no chimney in the house. No child asks 'How does he do that?' or says 'That's not possible'. They accept it all, and all because of where the information has come from - the grown ups, their parents.

It's my belief that this is the way it is with politics and with God.

God is so woven into our society with the church teaching us that god is real and people have believed this since Adam was a boy (literally!) so it must be true. We cannot stand up and say he does not exist, his name is on our bank notes for heaven's sake! It was taught to me from being a small child, and I believed every one of the bible stories without question.

In the world of politics our government tells us what we should have, how we will have it and that preferably we should also be very grateful for it! Our government is a big body of intelligent people, aren't they? So they must be right.

With all of these things, god, politics and Father Christmas, it is only when we grow up and question the things that are placed  before us that we can begin to make our own decisions about what it true.

Many people do not question though. Many will carry on blindly following the path created by their predecessors. I'm talking about god and politics here. I know a few people who continue to vote for a certain party because their father used to vote for them, they must be the right choice. More continue to accept the teachings of the bible even when they are 'cherry picking' the parts they wish to believe, mainly because 'it's always been this way'.

Coming back to Father Christmas. As a child I eventually knew there was no such person (spoiler?!) but now as an adult if I'm asked the question I'd say that yes, I do believe in Father Christmas. I believe in the spirit of Christmas that he represents, the spirit of giving. The spirit of Christmas for me is all about spending time with family, giving each one a gift carefully chosen for each person, eating and talking together. Not both at the same time though, that would be messy. 

I don't believe in the religious side of Christmas as I'm atheist. I will peacefully sit while you follow the religious side of it, should you wish to, but I believe it's just a nice story.

My point in all this, is that when we mature, we should ALL be encouraged to question the beliefs taught to us as children. We need ask why this is the truth, and decide for ourselves.

Small example, kind of from the world of politics, well from the government anyway. Years ago when we needed to have electricity spread across the country, electricity pylons were erected. Hundreds of these enormous pylons linking the electricity wires across the whole of the UK. Nobody raised a hand and said 'We don't want those in our backyards!' Why? The government said we needed them, so we had 'em! Just think what would happen today if it were suggested we have huge pylons everywhere, there would be outcry! There is often a hell of a fuss when one wind turbine is erected. Nowadays we consider everything our parliament puts forward, and we are not afraid of making our voices heard.

In closing, this is not the 1940s/1950s when we were subdued and accepting. Question everything, and encourage young people to do the same.

Have to force myself to go out this afternoon. I've already cancelled one appointment today but I need to go to this one. I can't communicate, can't talk properly, I'm getting confused with my words and am afraid I'll look a prat.

It's not for anything major, just a haircut. I know I'll feel better for going because I'm constantly feeling that I'm a mess. They chat a lot tho.

If tch isn't home in half an hour with the car though I'll not be able to go anyway. Do I wish for that so as to stay here? Oh, I just want to go back to my bed and stay there. It's all shit atm.