Memories disturbed. Disturbed memories.

There  was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.

Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.

It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.

Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.

Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I  wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?

It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone  (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.

The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.

When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.

This one's boring.

Once again I've had a really bad few weeks.
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.

Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.

I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.

I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.

Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.

I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.

What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.

I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx

No, really, I'm okay.

The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!

Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.

He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.

Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.

How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!

I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!

To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.

Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)

I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.

All a bit forgotten and unwanted really.

That title sounds a little pathetic, but it's how I'm feeling at the mo.

Twice, several months ago, I was invited to two separate family celebrations. Both are about 150-180 miles away, so a long way to go considering we always do these visits there and back in one day. Anyway, I saw both sides of the family in August when we were all there for another party. Nobody made mention of either of these upcoming events that I'd been invited to. Now, both have come and gone, and nobody remembered they'd invited me, and I'm feeling very dismal about the whole thing. Why didn't I say something? Well, I left it too long, I think. If I'd said something when we were all together then, yes that would have been fine. To ask about it afterwards, closer to the time, would have seemed like a request, I mean they could hardly say no then.

I have always seen my family to be very small, there's really not many of us at all. Now though, since one has married and there's now another husband and another child, it's getting big enough to be insular. Does that make any sense? When we were only a few, I always had invitations and was up to date, mostly, with what was happening in the family. Now though, they don't need me. I have no life going on, nothing really to talk about and I feel I'm excluded. When you say 'Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?' you really don't want to hear, nothing, stayed in bed a lot, didn't leave the house much.

Don't take too much notice of me, I'm just rambling today, and feeling low. The thing is, the first invitation was from an elderly relative who forgets a lot, so no problem really. The second invitation was from a relative of my own age and was to a first birthday party. I was looking forward to it such a lot, but when I contacted her Mum, she spoke of gifts that were easy to post. So that told me I wasn't going.

I've been spiralling downwards for a couple of weeks now. I put it down mainly to tch going back to school and me therefore being here alone such a lot. He's taken on more hours and is working 5 days a week now, instead of 4. Previously that one day off meant a break in the week, when he would be here and also a possibility that the car was available if I needed to go anywhere. I kid myself when I think I'd drive. I haven't driven for many months, probably more that a year. I used to arrange any medical apts for tch's day off and he'd drive me there. Now he's away the whole week.

Last night I went to bed around 6-7pm and slept right through to 11am. Tch did wake me before he went to work but I went straight back off to sleep again. I really don't want to be here right now.

Everyone has their own life going on. Everyone is busy living their life. Others do not understand what a life like mine means.

Tch comes home really tired and sometimes he's done a supermarket shop on the way home. I am riddled with guilt that I don't do this, nor do I go out to work or earn any money. Am a liability.

Let me bear all...

What was the first teddy bear/doll or other object that you loved as a child?

Mine was a bear, Little Ted to be precise. He was very much worse for wear, his body was held together by one of my Grandad's handkerchiefs and all his limbs were just straggly bits of fur fabric. He was very small, but then, so was I. There was a family member who used to poke fun at him and threaten to throw him away. I was scared about this at the time, but I doubt she really meant it. Sadly he didn't last very long, his 'injuries' were too severe.

Then when I was in junior school one of the girls had two teddies, in different colours and she gave one to me. This sticks in my mind so much because she gave it to me for no reason other than that she wanted to. My Grandad picked me up from school that day and he saw it when we were walking home. Lots of questions about how I came by it, and I think the parents were later contacted as well. Now I felt guilty, so many questions had made me feel that I shouldn't have it, that it was wrong. I spent most of my home life scared that I'd done something wrong because he was so strict. Always a fierce and accusing face.

It was fine though, and I kept the bear. I think the pupil who gave it to me emigrated, but I still think of her gift and how she made me feel that I was liked.

Was this the reason I became so attached to the bear? He came everywhere with me, wherever I went. I named him Cuddly, and cuddle him I did! I cuddled him so much that he went almost completely flat. His limbs had hardly any stuffing in the main arm/leg, it was all compressed into hard pads in the ends. He had hardly any nose left, I was almost all kissed away. I wasn't happy in my childhood, and I think this little bear was my friend through it. 

So, what makes us choose the toy that we love the most? For me I think it was because of the kindness shown from another little girl, in the gift of the bear. I think there's usually an association involved of some sort, with either a person, a place or a time.

How long did you stick with a beloved toy? I had Cuddly from about 6yrs old and he was with me for years and years. Today though, a child will have a toy, say one from a Disney film, and hug it and love it but only for a short while. They move on to the next one whilst the first toy is left sitting aside. Is this because of the amount of different toys that there are now? Today's child will probably have much more in the way of toys than we had when I was small. Maybe that's why they don't stay with one, that it's forgotten so quickly.

When I was in my 20s and my then boyfriend was moving in with me, he persuaded me to give loads of stuff to a charity shop. Yes, the bear went. I seriously doubt the charity shop would have wanted him so he probably ended up in a bin somewhere. I've regretted that ever since. That little bear got me through some tough years, I'd have preferred to know he was tucked away in a drawer somewhere.

A little learnt about the limbic system.

I've been looking and learning a little about the limbic system with regards to how it may affect depression.

The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls your 'fight, flight or freeze' reaction and it develops very early in childhood. Therefore the very early experiences, sometimes as young as a baby, will help to formulate reaction and have a huge impact on later life.

I've been relating this to my own early experiences, and I believe they have had an impact on my developing depression from adolescence.

My father died 2 months before I was born. Now in those days the mother was kept in hospital for up to a week. My mother knew he had an inoperable brain tumour and so knew he was going to die soon. It's as well to point out at this stage that the baby in the womb would experience the hormonal changes and other chemicals via the placenta. Some people say the baby experiences the emotion as well, I'm not so sure about that. Anyway, my mother knew he was going to die, and then he died 2 months before my birth. She's in hospital with a tiny baby, grieving and no doubt wondering how she was going to manage. Then imagine further, all the fathers arrive at visiting time... that must have been so tough for her.

So eventually she is sent home and she copes with me on her own for about a year. Still grieving for my father. Already the prevalent emotion around me is one of sadness, depression and grief.

I was about 18 months old when she began to show signs of ill health. Headaches mainly, I think. My aunty has since told me that their family doctor said my mother was having a nervous breakdown and was imagining she had my father's symptoms. He told them the best way to deal with this was to 'snap her out of it'. Aunty said she went into my mother's bedroom one day where I was hanging onto the sides of my cot and screaming my lungs out, needing my nappy changed. My mother was lying on the bed, not responding. "Come on", she said, "that baby needs you! Get up off the bed right now!" Aunty said that day haunted her for years and she never really forgave herself for attempting to 'snap her out of it'.

I don't know how long it was until someone took her seriously, because she too had a brain tumour, an inoperable one. The headaches were real, and she was dying. Towards the end she went into a nursing home not far from home. In 2016 we would talk about this to the child, be supportive and include her where possible. This was the 1960s though, where I should be seen but not heard. A child then had no rights. From my perspective my mother didn't want to respond to me and then just disappeared one day, never to return.

I can't begin to imagine the emotions that would have been surrounding me then. Adults crying and I wouldn't have known why. So, the limbic system in my brain is developing surrounded by sadness, loneliness and grief. Here then, I believe, is the start of my depression. So much sadness that sadness becomes the way to be. It is a way of life.

From that time I was brought up by grandparents. My grandad was very strict, and made decisions based on what he thought best.

I think that's best left for another day though.

You can take a step back, but don't fall off.

Yes. I've taken a step backwards alright. My depression has worsened over the last few days. It was 4pm today when I was having a shower and putting clothes on. I guess there's one positive in there, I've had a shower and I've dressed. That's two positives, way to go me!

Life feels pretty shit at the moment. I want to be left alone, but tch is so lovely in looking after me that I can't tell him this. He's back in work today (Mon).

I've had a phone message from my mental health worker asking whether I'm going to the craft club on Weds. I really don't want to go. I tell myself that if I stay home I could take the dog out for a short walk, or do some work in the garden. Like either of those things is going to happen. In reality I'll stay in the house and probably sleep most of the time. I can see that it would be a very good thing therefore for me to go out on Weds morning. I don't like it very much though, I hardly know the people there. I know, I know, I won't get to know them either unless I show up a few times. It's like I can't hold a conversation at the moment. I can't think straight, and I get my words muddled. I put things in weird places too. You would almost have to play Hunt the Kettle in our kitchen. It's not that bad, but I keep putting the sugar in the teapot instead of in the mug, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel distanced from everything, as though it's all happening to someone else and I'm outside looking in. So. Result so far, is no result at all. I haven't phoned her back. I could text and say I'm not going, she wouldn't mind, but it would be so much better for me if I could go along. I'm thinking I'll leave it until this evening and text her that I'm not going. I think. Then I'll go and have a guilt sandwich.

More gloom. I've found another small lump on the dog. It's in her haunch, that's the best way to describe it. It's not sitting under the skin as a raised lump. I don't think this is good, I think the raised lump has more chance of being benign. Who am I kidding. I don't think any lump is going to be benign, poor lass. The other two lumps that I've found over the last few weeks don't seem to be growing fast. That's by no means all though. Now she's developed a skin disorder. She scratches, licks and nibbles so much that she has bald patches coming. It's not an infestation, I only wish it was, then it would be treatable so simply. The vet's given me anti-histamines and said if they don't work after four days then they're not going to. That was five days ago. She's scratching etc. a little bit less, or maybe that's my wishful thinking. The vet explained that if it didn't work, there are tablets she could take, but they are known to increase the growth rate of abnormal cells. In other words, she already has a cancer and these tablets would bring it on faster. So what do we do? Not give her the tablets will leave her scratching and her skin getting worse. It's already red and inflamed now. Giving her the tablets will stop the itching and make her comfortable, but the cancer will take her quicker. I'm thinking the answer is there in the word comfortable. It's a very hard choice to make though, we'd be effectively condemning her to a faster death. I've looked it up on the internet and there may be another option, the vet hasn't mentioned this though. It's a steroid injection. Sally would not be able to have them repeatedly, but I think I'll ask the vet about it and how long the effects would last. If she was allowed to have two in a row, and each one lasted a couple of months, then that would be fantastic. We don't expect her to live all that long, not with tumours popping up like she's a gremlin. Was it gremlins or was it furbies? Oh, you know what I mean. You couldn't feed 'em after midnight.

Shitty few days - where did they come from?

Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.

Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.

I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.

I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.

I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family  live 170+miles away, and are very few.

D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.

Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.

Bad day today.

Such a shitty day today. It's after half past four in the afternoon here and I'm only just up and dressed. I did get up with tch and had breakfast around 10ish, but came back to bed and have slept far too long. It's one of those low days when everything feels pointless and I'm too tired to walk even. To try and be a little bit positive, I've had a shower and pointed the hairdryer at my head, so I smell a little sweeter.

Now there's a thing. Hairdryers and all things hairy. I keep my hair very short and after it's been washed I only wave the hairdryer about to dry it. It requires no styling, other than a bit of gel to spike the top and give it a messy look. Although I do quite like this style, it would be lovely sometimes to have a hair cut that I can style and look a bit better than it currently does. The sole reason that I don't have a styled hair cut is that I am simply incapable of styling it in my current state of mind. It's one of those things that just won't go right, no matter what I do to it. How do I know this? Well, I've tried styling it when it has grown out a little. I know how the hairdresser would do it, but I always end up with something flat and shapeless, and me almost in tears. So it's simpler this way. It's like a short back and sides with a messy bit on top. This is another way that I'll be able to tell I'm getting better - I'll have a hair do!

I really wanted to go out this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself get in the shower in time. This may sound a bit daft, but there's a dog missing locally. She went missing a few days ago, in a wooded area quite close to where I live. There are quite a lot of people out looking for her, and I wanted to go up there and help. It's a very large area that she's gone missing in, and I understand that although she is a large dog, she is very timid and difficult to approach. Maybe we'll be able to go there when tch comes home later.

Nice day Nanna!

Good day today, even though I went back to bed this morning. It was only because I was so tired, and not thru depression.

It's made a huge difference having tch at home. He's home through the school holidays, until early September. Today I've not accomplished much, unlike the past few days when I've done all sorts of housework stuff. Even so, the day has been good.

The kitten is making me smile a lot. She is wearing a lampshade collar because she's had the op to be spayed. Now every time she shakes herself she falls over. This is not funny. It would be cruel to laugh at her... She's very sweet though, and keeps coming for cuddles (not like her usually) I think she's upset by the vet visits and isn't used to the collar yet.

Had a visit from small grandson N yesterday. We looked after him for a couple of hours. He's just turned six, and lovely to be with. He does not stop talking. At all. I don't mind though, it's so good to see him. He helped Grandad out in the garden for a while and then came in to me for a bit. He is one of the grandchildren that calls me Nanna, and I love it so. To most of them I'm just J but a couple of them call me Nanna. I do so wish I could get more of them to do this, but if I have to ask, well, it defeats the object really, doesn't it.

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

Duvet day and dopey dog.

Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.

I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.

When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.

Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.

Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.

Happy dog and sleepy bunny

It's two o clock in the afternoon, so it's the middle of the day for me. So far the day has been good. We took the dog back for another post op check and they don't need to see her again, so that's great news. Tch mentioned she's been biting at her rear haunches and it seems her glands were blocked. I simply cannot tell you how relieved that has made me feel. I had jumped to the wrong conclusion that is was yet more tumours developing, but no, just her glands. If she keeps biting, then the vet will teach us how to express her glands ourselves. Deep joy. Can't wait for that one.

It's now half seven in the evening. I had to leave this aside when tch came to sit by me. I don't like anyone with me when I write this. Not sure if I want anyone that knows me to read my blog, it's my outlet to say how I feel and someone who knows me may not like what they read. I pretend to be well so often that I don't want those who know me to know the truth about how I feel. Is this prolonging the stigma of depression? I think maybe it is, but I have to keep it this way for my sanity.

I went back for a sleep this afternoon and slept for about three hours, quite a long time for me. This week has been a very busy one for me and I feel a lot better for the sleep. It was not a case of wanting to go to bed and switch off from the world, as was so often the case a little while ago. I'm really pleased with this progress.

Had some very good news at my appointment with the diabetic nurse. My sugar/glucose levels have improved drastically, a huge improvement. I'm quite surprised to be honest because I still eat a bit too much sugar. Comparing my results to the information sheet given to me on the diabetic course this week, my levels are still in the red zone, too high. The nurse today thought they were improving bigtime, so I'm pleased with than. In January it was 105, and now it's 65. The info sheet said the red zone was anything over 59. Pass me a Turkish Delight, I'm celebrating.

Dog tired and feeling pointless.

Today has been mostly good. We went for the second part of the diabetic course, still very interesting and informative. Bit too much info really, one of the subjects today was portion sizes. I think I'm eating for three. The lady showed us a matchbox and said this is the size of a portion of cheese. Well, I can eat that much cheese while I'm busy cutting up what I need for my meal. Not good. We've decided to try and make small changes, and so to achieve a better and more balanced diet gradually. Very gradually. No, slower than that...

We took the dog out for a walk this afternoon. For the first time ever, ever, ever, she couldn't walk home. We didn't go far, I would guess we were walking fairly slowly for about 20mins. Each time we stopped for a car to go past Sally sat down and sometimes laid down. She would not have done that six months ago. We got to a point where she just stopped and looked at us and then laid down. This is so unlike Sal. We used to walk miles, there's a scenic drive close to home and we'd walk the 10 miles from home, all the way round the drive and back home again. Tch walked the short distance home and brought the car to take her back home. We're both worried about her. Although the histology on the recent tumours says they're pretty confident it's all removed, I think she's already developing something more. Her breathing gets very laboured after only a little activity. Well, it is what it is, I guess. We shall just have to wait and see how she goes.

I'm having little short spells of really low mood. Most of the time I'm really good, but occasionally I just drop like a stone and think 'what's the point of all this' 'I may as well not be here'. I don't say anything to tch because I really don't want to talk about it. It kind of passes, but leaves me feeling emotional. I think it's good that I can recognise them, and to know they will pass, but in some circumstances the emotion can be embarrassing. If anyone is there with me and my eyes fill up with tears it's inevitable they will ask questions. How do you say to someone 'I'm just feeling suicidal' It's not going to happen. The minute I tell anyone at all, they'll tell somebody else and they'll all be watching me from the side and wondering what I'm going to do next. Nope, bottle it up, that's what I think. I know doing that's not good, but it's a damn site better than the alternative.

Started the diabetic course today.

This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.

I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.

Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.

I've not done very much at all today, I've been feeling so tired. Yesterday was such an active day for me, most unusual. So I've slept rather a lot today.

Tomorrow, I'm very worried about tomorrow. The dog is going in for surgery to remove a tumour. When she went in to have the first tumour removed in March, they phoned us during the op to say she would need to have her leg amputated in order to remove all of it. This second one feels like it's in her upper gasto tract, well it's in her side anyway, so I am so afraid they'll ring with bad news once they've opened her up. I asked the vet if she might be in pain with it and she said that was very unlikely, but Sally keeps licking the area where the lump is and she moans and groans such a lot that I think she probably is in pain. So, all we can do is to take her in for the op and hope for the best. I just keep looking at her and thinking she'll not be with us for much longer.

What a positive day!!

Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.

First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.

I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.

Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.

The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.

My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!

When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.

Good weekend.

Life in Smellyville is improving greatly. The bathroom now smells strongly of Domestos, it's like walking into a public swimming baths. I've been recommended a product to deter the cat from the area, so I'm hoping that will be a winner on two levels. Firstly to stop her peeing there, and secondly to get rid of the smell of the bleach. I know bleach is a no-no for this kind of thing, but I just couldn't stand the stench of cat urine any longer. I am so glad we didn't have any visitors during that time, I would have been mortified because of the smell. This whole problem has had a big effect on my mood.

I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.

Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.

Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.

This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!

I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.

Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!