No, really, I'm okay.

The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!

Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.

He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.

Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.

How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!

I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!

To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.

Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)

I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.

It's a rollercoaster, baby.

That's what life is a little bit like for me at the moment, a rollercoaster. I'd like to say it's a long and exciting ride, but no. Life is this way because of depression. One day is good and I get a lot of housey-type stuff done, the next day is terrible and I don't feel strong enough to hardly walk upstairs, let alone accomplish anything.

Last week I spent a couple of days in bed, needing to completely switch off. I've been having suicidal thoughts too. It's like a plan, lying there in the back of my mind, constantly poking at me. I make plans in my head of how to sort out my business affairs. Few people would miss me. No, really, that's not me being dramatic, I have very little family and tch's family would only really notice the effect upon him. That's been the main reason for not carrying this any further. Tch would be very sad, I know he would, and I can't do that to him.

Anywhere I go, I don't want to be there. No, I tell a lie, we took the dog to the beach the week before last. The weather was so awful there were hardly any other people there. It was lovely. Just me, tch and the dog.

My mental health worker came today. She's very good. She has set up a group of us to meet weekly. I've not been to very many of the meetings though, I stayed at home (as per usual). Some company has offered to do t-shirts for us, free of charge, and I've been putting some ideas together. That stirred me a bit, got my interest.

I would so like to not have to go out at all, well, just for two weeks say. To know that for two weeks I didn't have to go anywhere and could stay here. I hope my anxiety levels would decrease then.

My mental health worker knew I had a suicide plan a while ago. She tried to get me to change things, to get rid of the plan, but I didn't. If I do that, then I won't have a way out. I may not act upon it now, but if something ever happens to tch, if he dies first, then I think I'd need it because then there would be nothing.

Depressing post. Can't even be bothered to read it back through. Hope things are better by next time.

My Precious

What is precious to you?

My idea of what is precious to me has changed a lot over the years. When I was in my 20s and 30s I probably would have said material possessions were the most precious to me. The things that were worth a lot money wise. I still have several of them, they carry memories that I would not be without. I'd have to be pretty broke to consider selling them, to have money, because yes they do mean a hell of a lot to me.

I started thinking about these things earlier when I caught sight of a picture that one of my grandsons gave me. It has flowers on one side (I'm glad his Mum told me they are flowers, they look like ladies with fuzzy hair and giant boobs) and on the other side it says 'to Nana love from...' I have it propped up on a shelf in our bedroom. I used to have it so the flowers showed, but now I have it so the words show instead. You see, he wrote that for me. It has my name and his name and lots of kisses. Priceless.

This is the kind of thing that once lost, can never be replaced. The little things, the thoughtful gestures. Thank goodness for digital phone cameras as now I can capture some of these times. The dog jumping in the sea, loving it even if she only has three legs to jump with now.

Having material possessions which are precious is fine, but having a little moment of love preserved is even more precious.

Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery

A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.

Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.

Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.

Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:

 The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?

I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of  more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.

Flea market and memory problems.

It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.

I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.

For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.

I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.

There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.