There was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.
Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.
It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.
Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.
Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?
It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.
The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.
When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Friday, 21 June 2019
Wednesday, 24 April 2019
This one's boring.
Once again I've had a really bad few weeks.
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.
Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.
I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.
I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.
Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.
I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.
What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.
I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.
Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.
I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.
I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.
Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.
I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.
What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.
I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx
Tuesday, 18 December 2018
I still miss her when I'm ironing
That's the cat again, sorry. When I would put up the ironing board she would always squawk at me, wanting attention. Her bed was nearby. I still expect to hear her.
My post today is not about missing her, it's about the way she lived her life. It's a lesson for us all, I think.
From the first day I had her as a little kitten, Katie was afraid of everything and hissed and spit at anything that came close to her. She had rare moments when she would allow me to stroke her, and then only on the top of her head. Anywhere else and you can look out!
As the only pet in the house, besides a budgie, she had full run of the place and would sleep on the end of the bed, sometimes. As a young cat she would come when I called most of the time. We moved house and she coped with that, grudgingly. Still was fearful of everything and hissed at it all.
My point? I'm getting there, honest.
If you live your life fearful of everything around you, and if you 'hiss and spit' at anything that comes near you, then you will not have a life. Rather, life will pass you by. Your life will never be enriched by laughter and friends. You will never know the joy of companionship or the happiness that comes from doing something for others. If you live your life into old age, still fearful, still 'spitting', then you will have accomplished nothing and experienced only fear.
Big words. I acknowledge that I live more like Katie at the moment. I don't go out of the house very often, I don't answer the phone and I certainly don't socialise unless I have to. But I can see the errors in this, I can see that my life would be so much better if I could move in a different direction.
My lovely Katie didn't have much of a life, she was so frightened by it. Here's a good point - she was unable to tell if another cat/dog was trying to make friends with her, she saw only something to be afraid of, something that wanted to attack her. So she missed out on having a companion to live with, when her life could have been so much better had she been able to befriend the other cat/dog. Make friends, try to be more comfortable around others, they are not going to bite you. Probably.
Depression is a bitch. The medication, the anti-depressants, are the crutch to help you to get back into life. They are not the cure. They will lift your mood sufficiently to enable you to begin the business of getting back to your life. But do it one step at a time, baby steps, little steps.
Little steps was probably the best piece of advice ever given to me by a healthcare professional. I was becoming very anxious that I was expected to jump straight back into life and I knew that I couldn't cope. Little steps are manageable little chunks, whatever works for you really.
I'm really tired now, so I'll talk about this some more another time x
My post today is not about missing her, it's about the way she lived her life. It's a lesson for us all, I think.
From the first day I had her as a little kitten, Katie was afraid of everything and hissed and spit at anything that came close to her. She had rare moments when she would allow me to stroke her, and then only on the top of her head. Anywhere else and you can look out!
As the only pet in the house, besides a budgie, she had full run of the place and would sleep on the end of the bed, sometimes. As a young cat she would come when I called most of the time. We moved house and she coped with that, grudgingly. Still was fearful of everything and hissed at it all.
My point? I'm getting there, honest.
If you live your life fearful of everything around you, and if you 'hiss and spit' at anything that comes near you, then you will not have a life. Rather, life will pass you by. Your life will never be enriched by laughter and friends. You will never know the joy of companionship or the happiness that comes from doing something for others. If you live your life into old age, still fearful, still 'spitting', then you will have accomplished nothing and experienced only fear.
Big words. I acknowledge that I live more like Katie at the moment. I don't go out of the house very often, I don't answer the phone and I certainly don't socialise unless I have to. But I can see the errors in this, I can see that my life would be so much better if I could move in a different direction.
My lovely Katie didn't have much of a life, she was so frightened by it. Here's a good point - she was unable to tell if another cat/dog was trying to make friends with her, she saw only something to be afraid of, something that wanted to attack her. So she missed out on having a companion to live with, when her life could have been so much better had she been able to befriend the other cat/dog. Make friends, try to be more comfortable around others, they are not going to bite you. Probably.
Depression is a bitch. The medication, the anti-depressants, are the crutch to help you to get back into life. They are not the cure. They will lift your mood sufficiently to enable you to begin the business of getting back to your life. But do it one step at a time, baby steps, little steps.
Little steps was probably the best piece of advice ever given to me by a healthcare professional. I was becoming very anxious that I was expected to jump straight back into life and I knew that I couldn't cope. Little steps are manageable little chunks, whatever works for you really.
I'm really tired now, so I'll talk about this some more another time x
Thursday, 13 December 2018
Well she had a good run...
She was my cat. Thought I'd better put that up there first, she wasn't a person. My Katie died the day before yesterday, and I'm so sad about it. I really, really, really don't like it when anyone says 'well, she had a good run'. I've heard people say this when a person dies very old. It's like I'm not supposed to be sad because of it. If your Granny dies at 98, you shouldn't be sad because she's 'had a good run'?! And another thing... 'he's had a good innings'... give me strength! If this is the only thing you have to say, then say nothing. Please.
Back to my Katie, she was about 3 weeks away from being 20yrs old. Careful now. Don't say it. When she was well she was a fairly big fluffy girl. Hold on, I shall try to find a photo for you.
There we are, a little pic of her sunbathing one summer and one of her looking really well and healthy. That's the way to remember her.
If you're not a pet, you won't understand this. I haven't had any children of my own (long story, let's not go there today) and my pets are part of my family. When my ex-husband left me, Katie was a big part of my life. I came home from work every day to a cold empty house and she would be there. Aside from the fact that I also had a budgie in a cage which Katie thought was her packed lunch.
I've had a tough couple of months. Can't put my finger on anything that's caused it, but depression is like that. Sudden slides into melancholy, with no reason or rhyme.
I guess there's one reason, maybe. Every day constantly cleaning up the pee and poo of 2 little puppies. They are gorgeous, loving, playful and I love 'em to bits, but So. Much. Poo. You would never believe how much mess they can create. We have puppy pads, big square sheets of quilted paper, for them to use. So it goes like this:
Me: You like to pee just here, I'll put a pad down for you to use.
Pupps: Look! She's put this paper thing right where I like to pee. I'll have to find somewhere else now!
This happens over and over again 😧
They are lovely though, and this stage won't last forever. It's hard to toilet train them to go out in the garden when this time of year is cold, wet and gets dark so early. They don't want to go there then, and I can't say I blame them. We'll get there though. As a depressive, it's hard to face this big clean up first thing every morning. Although tch will have cleaned up once before he went to work, he will also have fed them... which means more lovely poo. When I go down to them I'm trying to clean up the poo and the pee whilst they are throwing themselves at me in joy and probably jumping through the mess as they do it. Focus on the joy. Focus on the joy. I'm sitting in my bed writing to you and it's 9am. Soon I must venture forth into the land of funny smells, to do battle.
There's another thing, the puppy smell. I'm not talking about the lovely aromas that emanate from the back end. The smell of a puppy's neck is one of the most wonderful smells in the world. Aside from the mass clean-ups these two have been fantastic for my mental health. I will just be glad when I don't have to cope with the mess all day long.
I showed you a photo of a now-dead cat, so here's a more cheerful one of 'the girls'.
This was a couple of weeks after we had them in September. Two and a half months later and they are a fair bit bigger. The shorter one's a staffordshire bull terrier and the taller one's an Italian greyhound. I love this photo though. I'll try to find a more up to date one to show you another day.
My thought to end this entry is something I said earlier: it won't last forever. So when you're having a shit day and maybe it feels like everything is going wrong, try to think 'it won't last forever'. It sometimes helps me.
LoadsaLove x
Back to my Katie, she was about 3 weeks away from being 20yrs old. Careful now. Don't say it. When she was well she was a fairly big fluffy girl. Hold on, I shall try to find a photo for you.
If you're not a pet, you won't understand this. I haven't had any children of my own (long story, let's not go there today) and my pets are part of my family. When my ex-husband left me, Katie was a big part of my life. I came home from work every day to a cold empty house and she would be there. Aside from the fact that I also had a budgie in a cage which Katie thought was her packed lunch.
I've had a tough couple of months. Can't put my finger on anything that's caused it, but depression is like that. Sudden slides into melancholy, with no reason or rhyme.
I guess there's one reason, maybe. Every day constantly cleaning up the pee and poo of 2 little puppies. They are gorgeous, loving, playful and I love 'em to bits, but So. Much. Poo. You would never believe how much mess they can create. We have puppy pads, big square sheets of quilted paper, for them to use. So it goes like this:
Me: You like to pee just here, I'll put a pad down for you to use.
Pupps: Look! She's put this paper thing right where I like to pee. I'll have to find somewhere else now!
This happens over and over again 😧
They are lovely though, and this stage won't last forever. It's hard to toilet train them to go out in the garden when this time of year is cold, wet and gets dark so early. They don't want to go there then, and I can't say I blame them. We'll get there though. As a depressive, it's hard to face this big clean up first thing every morning. Although tch will have cleaned up once before he went to work, he will also have fed them... which means more lovely poo. When I go down to them I'm trying to clean up the poo and the pee whilst they are throwing themselves at me in joy and probably jumping through the mess as they do it. Focus on the joy. Focus on the joy. I'm sitting in my bed writing to you and it's 9am. Soon I must venture forth into the land of funny smells, to do battle.
There's another thing, the puppy smell. I'm not talking about the lovely aromas that emanate from the back end. The smell of a puppy's neck is one of the most wonderful smells in the world. Aside from the mass clean-ups these two have been fantastic for my mental health. I will just be glad when I don't have to cope with the mess all day long.
I showed you a photo of a now-dead cat, so here's a more cheerful one of 'the girls'.
My thought to end this entry is something I said earlier: it won't last forever. So when you're having a shit day and maybe it feels like everything is going wrong, try to think 'it won't last forever'. It sometimes helps me.
LoadsaLove x
Tuesday, 7 November 2017
No, really, I'm okay.
The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!
Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.
He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.
Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.
How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!
I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!
To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.
Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)
I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.
Wednesday, 20 September 2017
Giving it all away
Hello, I'm still here, I hope you're still there too.
On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.
The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.
How does one begin to learn to let go of things?
It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!
If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!
Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.
Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.
Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.
Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.
On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.
The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.
How does one begin to learn to let go of things?
It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!
If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!
Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.
Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.
Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.
Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
What a lot of not a lot.
Well, there's not a lot happening at the moment. I'm not leaving the house much at all. I went out on the 6th Nov with tch, then not until the 19th Nov. Tch had been given tickets for the rugby, so I went with him. More about that in a minute. I next went out on 23rd Nov, my metal health worker E took me to a craft morning. With hindsight I really wasn't well enough to have gone there, but I did feel marginally better for going. Stress man. The last time I went out was 26th Nov, I had said we would deliver an old palette to a friend, so I could hardly stay at home really.
That's 4 times I've been out of the house this month. Each time I have to go out I get so anxious beforehand, and will often have a bout of diarrhoea as well. Sometimes just the thought of an event looming will make my insides contract. The worst part is not being able to control this, to have shaky hands, need the bathroom fairly urgently and feel in such a state of panic.
The day we had tickets for the rugby was good in a lot of ways, but oh so stressful in others. It was good simply because I went, and in doing so I achieved a lot of things. I must tell you firstly that I have hurt my foot. It's my heel to be precise, plantar fasciitis. Because of this tch drove as close to the stadium as possible and I got out there. Then I was to find somewhere to wait for him to park the car and walk back* to wherever I was waiting. This meant I would be on my own, in a very very crowded city, until he walked back. He had a terrible job finding somewhere to park, drove round and round finding nothing. He said later that there were a lot of other drivers doing exactly the same thing, and we were two hours early for the match. Eventually he ended up paying £15 to park for 4 hours. Then he had to walk all the way back into the city to me.
I quickly found a Starbucks very close by and ordered/paid for my coffee. Although I was listening for my name, I missed it being called: the place was rammed full of people. By the time I asked about it, it was on the side, almost cold. The girl was lovely and made me another one, but I felt so stupid. Anyway, I have learnt how to deal with being on my own and I found a table in the window where I would see tch when he arrived. By sitting with my back to the room I couldn't see how busy it was, and thus I felt a bit calmer.
About an hour later tch arrived, we had another hot drink and then went to the stadium. Match was wonderful, I've never paid £5 for a burger before, I must be out of touch with what things cost. The walk back to the car was awful, I went slowly and stopped a lot. It would have been no good waiting for tch to drive back towards the stadium and pick me up as nothing was moving. We got back to the car, but it was almost another hour before we got out onto the main road. Total gridlock!!
So. I'm very pleased I went, and on the whole it was a very positive experience. I swear to you that nobody would know how unwell I am. I am very good at doing the sparkly thing. The amount of adrenaline that this takes is huge and I'm very tired afterwards. Why is it so important to do this? Why do I want to hide my mental health condition so much? I think maybe it's less stressful if people don't know. Does that make any sense at all?
I was supposed to be going out today, to the craft thing again. Made an excuse, couldn't cope with it. There will be other days, I'll go another day. Just want to stay at home and sleep a lot.
That's 4 times I've been out of the house this month. Each time I have to go out I get so anxious beforehand, and will often have a bout of diarrhoea as well. Sometimes just the thought of an event looming will make my insides contract. The worst part is not being able to control this, to have shaky hands, need the bathroom fairly urgently and feel in such a state of panic.
The day we had tickets for the rugby was good in a lot of ways, but oh so stressful in others. It was good simply because I went, and in doing so I achieved a lot of things. I must tell you firstly that I have hurt my foot. It's my heel to be precise, plantar fasciitis. Because of this tch drove as close to the stadium as possible and I got out there. Then I was to find somewhere to wait for him to park the car and walk back* to wherever I was waiting. This meant I would be on my own, in a very very crowded city, until he walked back. He had a terrible job finding somewhere to park, drove round and round finding nothing. He said later that there were a lot of other drivers doing exactly the same thing, and we were two hours early for the match. Eventually he ended up paying £15 to park for 4 hours. Then he had to walk all the way back into the city to me.
I quickly found a Starbucks very close by and ordered/paid for my coffee. Although I was listening for my name, I missed it being called: the place was rammed full of people. By the time I asked about it, it was on the side, almost cold. The girl was lovely and made me another one, but I felt so stupid. Anyway, I have learnt how to deal with being on my own and I found a table in the window where I would see tch when he arrived. By sitting with my back to the room I couldn't see how busy it was, and thus I felt a bit calmer.
About an hour later tch arrived, we had another hot drink and then went to the stadium. Match was wonderful, I've never paid £5 for a burger before, I must be out of touch with what things cost. The walk back to the car was awful, I went slowly and stopped a lot. It would have been no good waiting for tch to drive back towards the stadium and pick me up as nothing was moving. We got back to the car, but it was almost another hour before we got out onto the main road. Total gridlock!!
So. I'm very pleased I went, and on the whole it was a very positive experience. I swear to you that nobody would know how unwell I am. I am very good at doing the sparkly thing. The amount of adrenaline that this takes is huge and I'm very tired afterwards. Why is it so important to do this? Why do I want to hide my mental health condition so much? I think maybe it's less stressful if people don't know. Does that make any sense at all?
I was supposed to be going out today, to the craft thing again. Made an excuse, couldn't cope with it. There will be other days, I'll go another day. Just want to stay at home and sleep a lot.
Friday, 14 October 2016
Need a bomb behind me
That's what my Grandma always used to say whenever I wasn't moving fast enough or working hard enough. 'You need a bomb behind you' was generally heard directly after a school report had been received or when I was (she considered) dawdling.
Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?
I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.
Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.
I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.
Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?
I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.
Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.
I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.
Sunday, 2 October 2016
Could try harder C+
Well that's how I feel about it, could try harder. Life has been a bit better lately and as always that's when I start to beat myself up, that I could do better if I tried harder. When I begin to do something I want to do it now, want it to work now, not have to do it gradually. Heaven forbid I have to learn to do it, that's when the real impatience sets in. I am a nightmare to train in anything, expecting it to go right the first time I attempt it. It's another thing that I can recognise in myself now, and gradually try to be more patient both with the task and with myself.
For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.
There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.
I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.
It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.
For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.
There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.
I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.
It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
Anxiety and mindfulness.
Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.
I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.
Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.
There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.
Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.
Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.
I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.
Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.
There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.
Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.
Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery
A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.
Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.
Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.
Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:
The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?
I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.
Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.
Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.
Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:
I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.
Saturday, 27 August 2016
Bad day today.
Such a shitty day today. It's after half past four in the afternoon here and I'm only just up and dressed. I did get up with tch and had breakfast around 10ish, but came back to bed and have slept far too long. It's one of those low days when everything feels pointless and I'm too tired to walk even. To try and be a little bit positive, I've had a shower and pointed the hairdryer at my head, so I smell a little sweeter.
Now there's a thing. Hairdryers and all things hairy. I keep my hair very short and after it's been washed I only wave the hairdryer about to dry it. It requires no styling, other than a bit of gel to spike the top and give it a messy look. Although I do quite like this style, it would be lovely sometimes to have a hair cut that I can style and look a bit better than it currently does. The sole reason that I don't have a styled hair cut is that I am simply incapable of styling it in my current state of mind. It's one of those things that just won't go right, no matter what I do to it. How do I know this? Well, I've tried styling it when it has grown out a little. I know how the hairdresser would do it, but I always end up with something flat and shapeless, and me almost in tears. So it's simpler this way. It's like a short back and sides with a messy bit on top. This is another way that I'll be able to tell I'm getting better - I'll have a hair do!
I really wanted to go out this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself get in the shower in time. This may sound a bit daft, but there's a dog missing locally. She went missing a few days ago, in a wooded area quite close to where I live. There are quite a lot of people out looking for her, and I wanted to go up there and help. It's a very large area that she's gone missing in, and I understand that although she is a large dog, she is very timid and difficult to approach. Maybe we'll be able to go there when tch comes home later.
Now there's a thing. Hairdryers and all things hairy. I keep my hair very short and after it's been washed I only wave the hairdryer about to dry it. It requires no styling, other than a bit of gel to spike the top and give it a messy look. Although I do quite like this style, it would be lovely sometimes to have a hair cut that I can style and look a bit better than it currently does. The sole reason that I don't have a styled hair cut is that I am simply incapable of styling it in my current state of mind. It's one of those things that just won't go right, no matter what I do to it. How do I know this? Well, I've tried styling it when it has grown out a little. I know how the hairdresser would do it, but I always end up with something flat and shapeless, and me almost in tears. So it's simpler this way. It's like a short back and sides with a messy bit on top. This is another way that I'll be able to tell I'm getting better - I'll have a hair do!
I really wanted to go out this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself get in the shower in time. This may sound a bit daft, but there's a dog missing locally. She went missing a few days ago, in a wooded area quite close to where I live. There are quite a lot of people out looking for her, and I wanted to go up there and help. It's a very large area that she's gone missing in, and I understand that although she is a large dog, she is very timid and difficult to approach. Maybe we'll be able to go there when tch comes home later.
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Flea market and memory problems.
It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.
I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.
For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.
I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.
There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.
I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.
For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.
I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.
There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.
Monday, 15 August 2016
Take a chill pill.
Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.
The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.
Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.
The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.
Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.
The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.
Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.
The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.
Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.
The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.
Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.
The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.
Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.
Friday, 5 August 2016
Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.
Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.
I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.
I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.
So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look at things.
On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.
I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:
I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.
I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.
So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look at things.
On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.
I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:
The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:
I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!
Monday, 1 August 2016
Duvet day and dopey dog.
Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.
I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.
When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.
Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.
Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.
I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.
When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.
Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.
Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
The Inbetweener.
This is the day in between course days. We shall be attending the diabetic course on a Tues and Thurs, and today is Weds and I'm feeling very tired. On a usual week I would be picked up this morning to go to a craft class. My mental health worker E takes me and brings me home. I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this during the course weeks, for me it's too much.
To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.
All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.
To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.
All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.
Started the diabetic course today.
This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.
I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.
Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.
I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.
Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.
Tuesday, 12 July 2016
What a positive day!!
Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.
First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.
I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.
Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.
The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.
My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!
When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.
Thursday, 7 July 2016
Fairly good day. Bad news about the dog.
To begin on a positive note, I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm sure that's because tch is on a day off and with me for most of the day. It's having someone to talk to that makes all the difference. Which is mad because I will almost never choose to ring/visit anyone, choosing instead to stay at home alone. I get so worked up and anxious when I go out, so it always seems easier to not do it.
Today though I've been to the hairdressers. I always have a wet cut, purely because it's the cheapest option. To have a cut and blow dry costs more. So usually when I come out of the hairdressers I look a little weird, having the hair cut, but not styled. Then I'll go straight home, feeling self conscious. Today when I arrived home, having driven myself I might add, yay! go me! tch was going out straight away to collect eldest stepdaughter, and I decided to go with him, to get out a bit more and to see her. After that we had a look in a little craft fair in the village and then poked around in a second hand shop, where tch bought a chair. I am tired now, but am really really glad that I managed to do so much today.
Ok, now the negative. The vet phoned with the histology results for the dog. She has a mast cell tumour. It's not sitting on the surface just covered with skin/fur, it's more inside her intestines. To be honest, it's not looking good. She had a cancerous lump removed in March, she had to have her leg amputated in order to take it all away. She's booked in for surgery to have this one removed a week today. Then they'll send it off for testing, so it will probably be about two weeks before we know what we're dealing with. Not good.
I've done nothing about the whole cat-pee saga today. It's just the same and I'll tackle it another day.
So apart from the shitty news from the vet, it's been a very successful day for me.
Today though I've been to the hairdressers. I always have a wet cut, purely because it's the cheapest option. To have a cut and blow dry costs more. So usually when I come out of the hairdressers I look a little weird, having the hair cut, but not styled. Then I'll go straight home, feeling self conscious. Today when I arrived home, having driven myself I might add, yay! go me! tch was going out straight away to collect eldest stepdaughter, and I decided to go with him, to get out a bit more and to see her. After that we had a look in a little craft fair in the village and then poked around in a second hand shop, where tch bought a chair. I am tired now, but am really really glad that I managed to do so much today.
Ok, now the negative. The vet phoned with the histology results for the dog. She has a mast cell tumour. It's not sitting on the surface just covered with skin/fur, it's more inside her intestines. To be honest, it's not looking good. She had a cancerous lump removed in March, she had to have her leg amputated in order to take it all away. She's booked in for surgery to have this one removed a week today. Then they'll send it off for testing, so it will probably be about two weeks before we know what we're dealing with. Not good.
I've done nothing about the whole cat-pee saga today. It's just the same and I'll tackle it another day.
So apart from the shitty news from the vet, it's been a very successful day for me.
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