Memories disturbed. Disturbed memories.

There  was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.

Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.

It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.

Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.

Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I  wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?

It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone  (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.

The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.

When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.

Christmas, Christmas and Christmas again

Christmas, Christmas and Christmas again. Sounds fun when I say we had Christmas on 25th, 26th and 28th of December this year.

25th, home, just the two of us.
26th, down to see my family, bout 150 miles away.
28th, all tch's family came to us, 17 of us this year.

Now I simple can't tell you how tired I am. As a depressive I don't do much and don't leave the house much either. I'm still coping with the whole puppy poo thing. Don't misunderstand me, it was lovely to see everyone. There's just so much to do. It looks so easy, we put the food out buffet style and everyone helps themselves. I've hurt my back, that probably accounts for me finding it all so hard.

Lovely Christmas tho. Totally different in both places. At my family's everything is done properly. Small children have become used to this and know they are expected to be fairly quiet and very well behaved. You will use a serviette, know your place and wait obligingly while someone else gives your presents out. In our house, everyone sits wherever they want to. In fact there's not enough seats when they all pile into one room, so it's every man for himself then. We do a game every year where each person opens a drawer of our coffee table to find a little gift inside. Our living room is not big enough for 17 people and definitely not big enough for the 21 that we usually are. It's very squashed up, but great fun. This year the gift was egg cups, seemed to go down alright.  Once they've all taken food from the buffet, find a seat wherever you can. For some reason everyone stayed in the kitchen/diner. Bit cramped but I liked it, I had a chance to speak to everyone.

Now that it's all over, I am so, so glad to be able to relax. Tch has gone out for about 2 hours and I've had a bit of a tidy up. Puppies are still doing the 'run around outside but come back in to pee' thing. Bless. Arrrgh!

I think I've coped with Christmas, my family, tch's family, chatting, listening and responding very well this year. I'm calm and didn't allow anything to upset me.

Well, I've rambled on a lot in this posting. I'm sorry it's not been about much, and with no real point discussed. Maybe that's the way my head is at the moment. I shall make it more interesting, honest.

I wish you all a healthy and happy New Year. If we can achieve those things, then everything else will follow 😊

Well she had a good run...

She was my cat. Thought I'd better put that up there first, she wasn't a person.  My Katie died the day before yesterday, and I'm so sad about it. I really, really, really don't like it when anyone says 'well, she had a good run'. I've heard people say this when a person dies very old. It's like I'm not supposed to be sad because of it. If your Granny dies at 98, you shouldn't be sad because she's 'had a good run'?!  And another thing... 'he's had a good innings'... give me strength! If this is the only thing you have to say, then say nothing. Please.

Back to my Katie, she was about 3 weeks away from being 20yrs old. Careful now. Don't say it. When she was well she was a fairly big fluffy girl. Hold on, I shall try to find a photo for you.

There we are, a little pic of her sunbathing one summer and one of her looking really well and healthy. That's the way to remember her.

If you're not a pet, you won't understand this. I haven't had any children of my own (long story, let's not go there today) and my pets are part of my family. When my ex-husband left me, Katie was a big part of my life. I came home from work every day to a cold empty house and she would be there. Aside from the fact that I also had a budgie in a cage which Katie thought was her packed lunch.

I've had a tough couple of months. Can't put my finger on anything that's caused it, but depression is like that. Sudden slides into melancholy, with no reason or rhyme.

I guess there's one reason, maybe. Every day constantly cleaning up the pee and poo of 2 little puppies. They are gorgeous, loving, playful and I love 'em to bits, but So. Much. Poo. You would never believe how much mess they can create. We have puppy pads, big square sheets of quilted paper, for them to use. So it goes like this:

Me:     You like to pee just here, I'll put a pad down for you to use.
Pupps: Look! She's put this paper thing right where I like to pee. I'll have to find              somewhere else now!

This happens over and over again 😧

They are lovely though, and this stage won't last forever. It's hard to toilet train them to go out in the garden when this time of year is cold, wet and gets dark so early. They don't want to go there then, and I can't say I blame them. We'll get there though. As a depressive, it's hard to face this big clean up first thing every morning. Although tch will have cleaned up once before he went to work, he will also have fed them... which means more lovely poo. When I go down to them I'm trying to clean up the poo and the pee whilst they are throwing themselves at me in joy and probably jumping through the mess as they do it. Focus on the joy. Focus on the joy. I'm sitting in my bed writing to you and it's 9am. Soon I must venture forth into the land of funny smells, to do battle.

There's another thing, the puppy smell. I'm not talking about the lovely aromas that emanate from the back end. The smell of a puppy's neck is one of the most wonderful smells in the world. Aside from the mass clean-ups these two have been fantastic for my mental health. I will just be glad when I don't have to cope with the mess all day long.

I showed you a photo of a now-dead cat, so here's a more cheerful one of 'the girls'.

 This was a couple of weeks after we had them in September. Two and a half months later and they are a fair bit bigger. The shorter one's a staffordshire bull terrier and the taller one's an Italian greyhound. I love this photo though. I'll try to find a more up to date one to show you another day.

My thought to end this entry is something I said earlier: it won't last forever. So when you're having a shit day and maybe it feels like everything is going wrong, try to think 'it won't last forever'. It sometimes helps me.

LoadsaLove x

No, really, I'm okay.

The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!

Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.

He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.

Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.

How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!

I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!

To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.

Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)

I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.

Flea market and memory problems.

It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.

I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.

For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.

I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.

There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.

Nice day Nanna!

Good day today, even though I went back to bed this morning. It was only because I was so tired, and not thru depression.

It's made a huge difference having tch at home. He's home through the school holidays, until early September. Today I've not accomplished much, unlike the past few days when I've done all sorts of housework stuff. Even so, the day has been good.

The kitten is making me smile a lot. She is wearing a lampshade collar because she's had the op to be spayed. Now every time she shakes herself she falls over. This is not funny. It would be cruel to laugh at her... She's very sweet though, and keeps coming for cuddles (not like her usually) I think she's upset by the vet visits and isn't used to the collar yet.

Had a visit from small grandson N yesterday. We looked after him for a couple of hours. He's just turned six, and lovely to be with. He does not stop talking. At all. I don't mind though, it's so good to see him. He helped Grandad out in the garden for a while and then came in to me for a bit. He is one of the grandchildren that calls me Nanna, and I love it so. To most of them I'm just J but a couple of them call me Nanna. I do so wish I could get more of them to do this, but if I have to ask, well, it defeats the object really, doesn't it.

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

The Inbetweener.

This is the day in between course days. We shall be attending the diabetic course on a Tues and Thurs, and today is Weds and I'm feeling very tired. On a usual week I would be picked up this morning to go to a craft class. My mental health worker E takes me and brings me home. I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this during the course weeks, for me it's too much.

To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.

All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.

Started the diabetic course today.

This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.

I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.

Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.

Can a person choose to be happy?

Can a person choose to be happy? A lot of people seem to think so, but I'm not so sure.

On a day when I am feeling ok, that's not very depressed but not completely well, I may be able to find something that will lift my mood. Music can often do this for me. Maybe I can find something I want to sing along to, that would be great. Is this choosing to be happy?

If I am feeling low, I will most likely be at home refusing to go out, and maybe in my bed trying to switch off from the world. When I'm like that, very little can lift my mood. Usually if I interact at all it is to feel guilty for not doing something. Like when I hear people out in their gardens working/mowing the lawn. Then I just feel overwhelming guilt. There is no choosing happiness there.

I can usually see the positives in a situation, but I will see the negatives first. Being able to see the positives does not make me able to feel happiness for them though.

No, I don't think a person can choose to be happy. I think that only a well person can do this.

I can give the appearance of being happy. When I interact with anyone other than tch I will put on 'the sparkle' and pretend to be happy and lively. The longer that I have to do this for, the more exhausted I will become. You'll notice I say that I have to do this, I say that because I can find no other way to cope with others. If I were to allow even a tiny bit of how I am really feeling come out, I think I might crumble completely. Then questions would be asked and I would have to talk about it.

I cannot talk about my mental health to anyone other than tch. Other people rarely understand depression and will often offer advice. Advice that they think will sort out 'my problem'. As if I wouldn't have tried this years ago already. People can usually only relate to their own experiences, so they remember how they felt when they were a bit low. That is not depression! That's like a person having a heart attack with someone trying to treat them for heartburn. Nuff said.