Why am I here?

I sometimes wonder why I'm still here. Not entirely in a suicidal way, just simply why? There are so many other things I could be doing, places I could be going. My mental health dictates that I remain here, at home, away from scary things like... fresh air and the like. I must stay in, not go out.

My apologies, this entry rambles a bit. Brain is fried.

I have cut myself off from social media sites, hard to specify why. I think I felt obliged to join in, much as one would at a party, and I cannot cope there. Amazingly I don't miss it, considering I was on facebook and messenger every day previously. Mostly to thc's family, no-one on my side uses it very much. I have this need to switch off from everything. To silence everything.

I have two little ones to care for at the mo. They're two little puppies, about 2 months old now, I think. One has health problems, I think she came from a puppy farm. One of those you hear about, that does  not treat them well. She was full of worms when she came to us and now she walks funny. The vet said she might have the canine form of spina bifida. She doesn't know though, and happily waddles about trying to keep up with the other one. Let me see if I can find you a photo of them...

There, this is my favourite photo of them. They're a bit bigger now as this was taken 2 weeks ago. Yes they are very cute, but you would not believe how much mess they can create. They poo and pee more than they eat/drink, I'm sure of it!

I have hurt my back (again) a couple of days ago. It has been very difficult to clean up after them properly. They are gorgeous... when they're asleep. Preferably on me as well. Do you know what a puppy pad is? It's a large square of quilted paper for them to pee on. We are nearing the end of our 3rd box of 100 pads. I think I'm nearing the end of my rope as well!  They do the occasional pee on a pad, but most of the time they treat them as markers for where not to go!

I had an annual review this week with my mental health worker and her boss. They were more interested in the puppies. See, I think it's a very bad sign for me to be cutting myself off and wanting nothing to do with anyone. Isn't it the first stage of having suicidal feelings? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm the only one worried about it. I have an annual review with the psych next month, deep joy.

There was a reunion held recently of folk that I used to work with 30 years ago. I couldn't make myself go. I was so disappointed. One lady had travelled down from Lancs. We used to be very close, but I didn't go.

Well I'm going to say bye now, tch will be home in a minute.

Stay safe peeps xxx

Ho Ho Hum.

Well, it's very nearly Christmas, the 21st of December actually.

It can be a daunting time for any depressive. I've been feeling okay for the last few days, though I hit a low about a week ago. My mood lately can ping from depression to wide-awake-let's-do-something in just a few hours. I spent several days feeling very low and dreading the whole Christmas thing, unprepared, so much to do... the whole thing.

I slept a  huge amount. So tired lately, that has a big effect on my depression. Had blood tests done, showed thyroid problem and iron deficiency. Both very small deficits tho, so they don't really account for feeling I can't climb the stairs. I've asked for my vitamin D levels to be checked, that was the problem last time it was very low. With the Christmas break I can't have the blood test until 29th Dec. Nothing I can do about that, so just have to live with it. Even then it will take 2 weeks for the results to be available. I remember that from the last time. How I wish I'd spoken up and asked the doc to request this test with the others.

Anyway, I slept a whole lot, and am feeling quite a bit better these last couple of days. Between us, me and tch, we have all the family's presents sorted and today I've cleaned at home quite a bit.

It's just me and tch on Christmas Day. I am so so pleased about that. We were due to go down to my family but with my health and the dog seeming to be gradually incontinent, we're staying here. Dog peed over the sofa cushions once and the other day (when I went out for the blood tests), she did a poo on the dining room floor. When we go to my family she has to cope for 12 hours on her own. It's never been a problem before and only twice a year, but we both think the time has come to not leave her on her own if we can help it. She has cancer, amongst other things. We really never thought we would still have her last Christmas, and here we are another year on and she's doing really well.

On Boxing Day we have all of tch's family coming up here (hence the manic cleaning) He has four children and with all of the partners and grandchildren, we shall be 24. I don't know why I worry about this, tch does all the cooking, we are well prepared now, and everyone is really nice. It's just having so many people here at once. We can't all fit into one room, so we just put a buffet out and everyone finds a seat where they can. I worry about looking after everyone, and talking to everyone. Then I get sidetracked by someone asking for something and I'll get confused. The confusion and the forgetfulness is why I don't cook. If I cook it's like 'what's that smell?' then 'what are those flames?' Okay, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean.

I had hoped for a day or so in between Christmas Day and the family coming, but I'm determined not to let the worry spoil Christmas Day.

I'm not one for socialising at all. There's a reason I get a vitamin D deficiency, I don't go out at all unless I have to. So I don't get any sun. Tomorrow though, I have to go out. Do you see, I always say 'I have to'? It's a very small social thing for Christmas, only about 6 of us, a few nibbles. It's very nice to see people, but I wish I could just be a fly on the wall. That way I could see them, and know they're okay, but not have to join in. I just want to stay here at home. Once I've been out for a short while this little voice starts up in my head, 'I want to go home' 'I want to go home', over and over and over again. Tomorrow I'm getting a lift there, so no leaving early for me. It's my mental health worker picking me up, so she will understand if I'm a bit jittery.

Are you depressive too? How are you coping with the whole Christmas/family thing? Do you have any coping strategies that you'd like to share?

Happy Happy Christmas xxx

Giving it all away

Hello, I'm still here, I hope you're still there too.

On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.

The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.

How does one begin to learn to let go of things?

It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!

If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!

Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.

Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.

Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.

Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.

Yeth, and I'm only thixteen...

Sorry about the title, it's only going to mean anything if you are over 45 and used to watch a certain vet's comedy (in the UK). Well why the title? I have increasingly felt that having a mental health condition equates with having all of one's brain cells euthanised, or at the very least, dopificated. Okay, I made that last bit up. It's true though, I have been spoken down to in a condescending fashion so many tims.

Yes, when I am very low I can get confused. When I'm depressed I'm almost always tired as well, this adds to my confusion. Also, my memory is dreadful and I forget the simplest of things directly after being told. But, I have not been rendered stupid! I recall having to attend an interview to justify my ill health and my need for sickness benefit. During the interview I passed some comment, I can't remember exactly what I said, and the interviewer did a cartoon-like double-take. It was as if she'd caught me out for still having a brain. This from a presumably qualified person. Words fail me. Actually words did indeed fail me on this occasion, I kept my mouth shut as much as possible for the remainder of the interview.

When I first started taking lithium I had the first prescription from the psychiatrist, so it was a month after it was prescribed that I requested a repeat script from my gp surgery. They told me over the phone that they had no knowledge of this and had not received any correspondence from the psych about it. On ringing the psych's secretary, yes they had written to the gp so they should know all about it.

This type of thing has happened on several occasions over the last few years. If I didn't have the wherewithall to sort it out, what the hell would have happened to me? That morning of the lithium thing, I stressed and cried and thought about giving up, not taking it at all being as no-one would give it to me. I knew I shouldn't stop taking it, that it was a drug to come off slowly, gradually reducing the amount. In the end I wrote down who to phone and what to say. I thought if I can't do it then I'll ask tch to do it for me. Eventually the letter was faxed to the surgery and they raised a script for me. Even that sounds simple but it wasn't. It was numerous phone calls, get down to the surgery, wait for the script, go to the pharmacy, wait for the drugs, get back home... collapse.

I really cannot stress this enough. If I did not have the power of mind and speech to sort these things out, where would I be?? I know a lady with a worse mental health disorder, she would in no way be able to deal with a situation like this. What would become of her? I am so very lucky to have my husband's help if I need it, this lady has no partner. In this particular event there was very little help offered by the healthcare professionals. Whist I understand that my problem was not expected and their workload already full, I'm still here and still had the problem.

Everywhere we go these days those who are working are stretched to capacity. Back when I was last in a job we were assessed every day. We had to complete a form daily, being allowed a set amount of time for each task. That's something lik 3.48 minutes for this and 12.55 minutes for that. Crazy. All of my daily minutes against my working hours for that day gave the result showing how much % of the day I had been working. If I didn't achieve at least 98% over a month I would be given a warning, another month and my pay would be docked. I'm quite sure my employers weren't the only ones adopting this practice. Is it any wonder then that there is no time for unexpected problems to show up? Then when those more vulnerable need help with something, often the person on the end of the phone just wants them gone, they haven't got time for this! Some of the time I am one of the more vulnerable, but thankfully when my depression is not so bad, I can deal with things. It's those others though, who's looking after them?

Have you had an experience like this? Tell me about it, please.

Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery

A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.

Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.

Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.

Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:

 The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?

I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of  more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.

Flea market and memory problems.

It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.

I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.

For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.

I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.

There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

What a positive day!!

Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.

First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.

I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.

Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.

The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.

My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!

When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.