Memories disturbed. Disturbed memories.

There  was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.

Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.

It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.

Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.

Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I  wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?

It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone  (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.

The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.

When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.

This one's boring.

Once again I've had a really bad few weeks.
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.

Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.

I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.

I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.

Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.

I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.

What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.

I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx

Why am I here?

I sometimes wonder why I'm still here. Not entirely in a suicidal way, just simply why? There are so many other things I could be doing, places I could be going. My mental health dictates that I remain here, at home, away from scary things like... fresh air and the like. I must stay in, not go out.

My apologies, this entry rambles a bit. Brain is fried.

I have cut myself off from social media sites, hard to specify why. I think I felt obliged to join in, much as one would at a party, and I cannot cope there. Amazingly I don't miss it, considering I was on facebook and messenger every day previously. Mostly to thc's family, no-one on my side uses it very much. I have this need to switch off from everything. To silence everything.

I have two little ones to care for at the mo. They're two little puppies, about 2 months old now, I think. One has health problems, I think she came from a puppy farm. One of those you hear about, that does  not treat them well. She was full of worms when she came to us and now she walks funny. The vet said she might have the canine form of spina bifida. She doesn't know though, and happily waddles about trying to keep up with the other one. Let me see if I can find you a photo of them...

There, this is my favourite photo of them. They're a bit bigger now as this was taken 2 weeks ago. Yes they are very cute, but you would not believe how much mess they can create. They poo and pee more than they eat/drink, I'm sure of it!

I have hurt my back (again) a couple of days ago. It has been very difficult to clean up after them properly. They are gorgeous... when they're asleep. Preferably on me as well. Do you know what a puppy pad is? It's a large square of quilted paper for them to pee on. We are nearing the end of our 3rd box of 100 pads. I think I'm nearing the end of my rope as well!  They do the occasional pee on a pad, but most of the time they treat them as markers for where not to go!

I had an annual review this week with my mental health worker and her boss. They were more interested in the puppies. See, I think it's a very bad sign for me to be cutting myself off and wanting nothing to do with anyone. Isn't it the first stage of having suicidal feelings? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm the only one worried about it. I have an annual review with the psych next month, deep joy.

There was a reunion held recently of folk that I used to work with 30 years ago. I couldn't make myself go. I was so disappointed. One lady had travelled down from Lancs. We used to be very close, but I didn't go.

Well I'm going to say bye now, tch will be home in a minute.

Stay safe peeps xxx

All a bit forgotten and unwanted really.

That title sounds a little pathetic, but it's how I'm feeling at the mo.

Twice, several months ago, I was invited to two separate family celebrations. Both are about 150-180 miles away, so a long way to go considering we always do these visits there and back in one day. Anyway, I saw both sides of the family in August when we were all there for another party. Nobody made mention of either of these upcoming events that I'd been invited to. Now, both have come and gone, and nobody remembered they'd invited me, and I'm feeling very dismal about the whole thing. Why didn't I say something? Well, I left it too long, I think. If I'd said something when we were all together then, yes that would have been fine. To ask about it afterwards, closer to the time, would have seemed like a request, I mean they could hardly say no then.

I have always seen my family to be very small, there's really not many of us at all. Now though, since one has married and there's now another husband and another child, it's getting big enough to be insular. Does that make any sense? When we were only a few, I always had invitations and was up to date, mostly, with what was happening in the family. Now though, they don't need me. I have no life going on, nothing really to talk about and I feel I'm excluded. When you say 'Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?' you really don't want to hear, nothing, stayed in bed a lot, didn't leave the house much.

Don't take too much notice of me, I'm just rambling today, and feeling low. The thing is, the first invitation was from an elderly relative who forgets a lot, so no problem really. The second invitation was from a relative of my own age and was to a first birthday party. I was looking forward to it such a lot, but when I contacted her Mum, she spoke of gifts that were easy to post. So that told me I wasn't going.

I've been spiralling downwards for a couple of weeks now. I put it down mainly to tch going back to school and me therefore being here alone such a lot. He's taken on more hours and is working 5 days a week now, instead of 4. Previously that one day off meant a break in the week, when he would be here and also a possibility that the car was available if I needed to go anywhere. I kid myself when I think I'd drive. I haven't driven for many months, probably more that a year. I used to arrange any medical apts for tch's day off and he'd drive me there. Now he's away the whole week.

Last night I went to bed around 6-7pm and slept right through to 11am. Tch did wake me before he went to work but I went straight back off to sleep again. I really don't want to be here right now.

Everyone has their own life going on. Everyone is busy living their life. Others do not understand what a life like mine means.

Tch comes home really tired and sometimes he's done a supermarket shop on the way home. I am riddled with guilt that I don't do this, nor do I go out to work or earn any money. Am a liability.

Shitty few days - where did they come from?

Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.

Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.

I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.

I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.

I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family  live 170+miles away, and are very few.

D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.

Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Dog tired and feeling pointless.

Today has been mostly good. We went for the second part of the diabetic course, still very interesting and informative. Bit too much info really, one of the subjects today was portion sizes. I think I'm eating for three. The lady showed us a matchbox and said this is the size of a portion of cheese. Well, I can eat that much cheese while I'm busy cutting up what I need for my meal. Not good. We've decided to try and make small changes, and so to achieve a better and more balanced diet gradually. Very gradually. No, slower than that...

We took the dog out for a walk this afternoon. For the first time ever, ever, ever, she couldn't walk home. We didn't go far, I would guess we were walking fairly slowly for about 20mins. Each time we stopped for a car to go past Sally sat down and sometimes laid down. She would not have done that six months ago. We got to a point where she just stopped and looked at us and then laid down. This is so unlike Sal. We used to walk miles, there's a scenic drive close to home and we'd walk the 10 miles from home, all the way round the drive and back home again. Tch walked the short distance home and brought the car to take her back home. We're both worried about her. Although the histology on the recent tumours says they're pretty confident it's all removed, I think she's already developing something more. Her breathing gets very laboured after only a little activity. Well, it is what it is, I guess. We shall just have to wait and see how she goes.

I'm having little short spells of really low mood. Most of the time I'm really good, but occasionally I just drop like a stone and think 'what's the point of all this' 'I may as well not be here'. I don't say anything to tch because I really don't want to talk about it. It kind of passes, but leaves me feeling emotional. I think it's good that I can recognise them, and to know they will pass, but in some circumstances the emotion can be embarrassing. If anyone is there with me and my eyes fill up with tears it's inevitable they will ask questions. How do you say to someone 'I'm just feeling suicidal' It's not going to happen. The minute I tell anyone at all, they'll tell somebody else and they'll all be watching me from the side and wondering what I'm going to do next. Nope, bottle it up, that's what I think. I know doing that's not good, but it's a damn site better than the alternative.

After you... No, after you...

More thoughts on death and dying today. Fractionally more positive than suicide, but now about what happens if I die first, or what happens if the ch dies first. I've thought about the physical things, like bank accounts and suchlike, but what about if I die, what will he do? I think he'd be fine, he's loads of family nearby. One of his daughters is only just a short walk away.

Would I cope? I have suicidal thoughts fairly often already, so I'm not sure I'd cope alone. I wouldn't want help from tch's family, I don't think I'll ever stop believing that they are only friendly to me because I'm married to him. No, I think I'd just curl up at home.

I do envy these people who seem able to live happily after a partner has died. They volunteer in charity shops and do all manner of things. I'm not upbeat enough for that, I lack all motivation.

Update on the aroma-homa, not really smelling a whole lot sweeter today. I have given up with the chemical sprays and have scrubbed the living daylights out of the bathroom carpet today. It looks a whole lot better, but there's still a smell. tch reminded me last night that we put earth inside a litter tray, along with the litter, when previously we had to keep the elderly cat indoors following an operation. That might just work, and she might pee in there instead of on the carpet, but I've got to get rid of the scent from the carpet first. Scent? Pong morelike! Oh, and the kitten has peed behind the sofa again. I think the saying 'it never rains, but it pours' has never been more true! Yellow rain too! Sorry, was that tmi?

I'm feeling guilty. It's a sunny day today and neighbours are out in their gardens. I can hear next door mowing their lawn and there's someone across the road working in the garden. I feel guilty because I'm here, staying indoors, not doing anything. Our garden is in a bad state, and I won't go outside to do it. Today would have been an ideal day for laundry too, but I don't want to go outside and hang it out in case someone talks to me. This feeling comes and goes. I know there have been times, many times, that I've either worked in the garden or gone outside to hang washing out. I just don't know what makes the feeling come, or what makes it go.

If I could make one wish, in terms of my health, it would be to know what causes my depression to come, and what causes it to lift. Yeah, okay, that's two wishes, but you know what I mean. Why do I wake up some mornings and plan the things I'll do that day, and then wake up another morning and lack the strength/motivation to get out of bed? Answers on a postcard, please.

Living? Not so much.

I've had a very rough few days. Had suicidal thoughts frequently through the days. It's a bit better in the evenings when ch is home, although I feel  under pressure to cheer up and not look to bad then. He gives me long looks, and I hate it. I just want to be left alone. It's enough, for me, that he's here and sitting next to me. I don't want the added pressure of performing, pretending that I feel better, but I can feel his eyes on me and he wants me to respond. I think the last thing I want to do is respond. I just want to be. That's all, just to be.

He did the most wonderful thing today. He said he would call around lunchtime (his time to race from school to school) but he'd left his phone at home. So he arranged with one of the schools to have a quiet little space in which to use their phone, to ring me. That has lifted me tremendously, that he took the time and trouble to do that. It was just a quick call, about 4 mins, but it meant so much to me. He really can be so very thoughtful.

There is a decision to be made. We are invited out for dinner on Fri, and there is a little party for one of the grandsons on Sat. I am not doing well at all at the whole going out thing. I get so emotional and I well up and cry at the tiniest little thing. I well up and cry when the reason means next to nothing to me. So, at the meal, with family, they will think I am upset (you don't say) and want to discuss the reason. Trust me, the reason will not be worth discussing. I howled my eyes out when doing some ironing recently. It's not the reason, it's what lies beneath, and I'm not discussing that with them. As far as the reasons go, I have agreed to try counselling. I've yet to ring the counsellor tho.

The other thing, the following day, I'm embarrassed at how much I get emotional. If I go to the party everyone will see. I shall feel a complete pratt when I burst into tears because everyone sings happy birthday to the lad. My lovely ch's ex-wife will also be there, deep joy. I shall feel such a fool.

Also, I've had a letter from this mental health agency who help people back into work. Voluntary work at first, I think. I'd like to have a go, but the whole life is pointless thing gets in the way of my thoughts. And there's the crying too. Nope, doesn't create a good effect and they'd be unlikely to invite me back. I have to respond tho.I'll ask if they'll put me on hold until I feel better. I don't think I could cope with an assessment either at the moment.

I tried to make a valentines card for the ch earlier. Yep, you guessed it it. Tears by the bucketload. Is now scrunched up in the bin.

I was supposed to go with my mental health worker to the gym this morning. Nope. Stayed in bed and washed my pillow some instead. Have salty bedlinen.