All a bit forgotten and unwanted really.

That title sounds a little pathetic, but it's how I'm feeling at the mo.

Twice, several months ago, I was invited to two separate family celebrations. Both are about 150-180 miles away, so a long way to go considering we always do these visits there and back in one day. Anyway, I saw both sides of the family in August when we were all there for another party. Nobody made mention of either of these upcoming events that I'd been invited to. Now, both have come and gone, and nobody remembered they'd invited me, and I'm feeling very dismal about the whole thing. Why didn't I say something? Well, I left it too long, I think. If I'd said something when we were all together then, yes that would have been fine. To ask about it afterwards, closer to the time, would have seemed like a request, I mean they could hardly say no then.

I have always seen my family to be very small, there's really not many of us at all. Now though, since one has married and there's now another husband and another child, it's getting big enough to be insular. Does that make any sense? When we were only a few, I always had invitations and was up to date, mostly, with what was happening in the family. Now though, they don't need me. I have no life going on, nothing really to talk about and I feel I'm excluded. When you say 'Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?' you really don't want to hear, nothing, stayed in bed a lot, didn't leave the house much.

Don't take too much notice of me, I'm just rambling today, and feeling low. The thing is, the first invitation was from an elderly relative who forgets a lot, so no problem really. The second invitation was from a relative of my own age and was to a first birthday party. I was looking forward to it such a lot, but when I contacted her Mum, she spoke of gifts that were easy to post. So that told me I wasn't going.

I've been spiralling downwards for a couple of weeks now. I put it down mainly to tch going back to school and me therefore being here alone such a lot. He's taken on more hours and is working 5 days a week now, instead of 4. Previously that one day off meant a break in the week, when he would be here and also a possibility that the car was available if I needed to go anywhere. I kid myself when I think I'd drive. I haven't driven for many months, probably more that a year. I used to arrange any medical apts for tch's day off and he'd drive me there. Now he's away the whole week.

Last night I went to bed around 6-7pm and slept right through to 11am. Tch did wake me before he went to work but I went straight back off to sleep again. I really don't want to be here right now.

Everyone has their own life going on. Everyone is busy living their life. Others do not understand what a life like mine means.

Tch comes home really tired and sometimes he's done a supermarket shop on the way home. I am riddled with guilt that I don't do this, nor do I go out to work or earn any money. Am a liability.