There was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.
Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.
It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.
Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.
Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?
It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.
The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.
When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.
Showing posts with label coping strategies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping strategies. Show all posts
Friday, 21 June 2019
Wednesday, 24 April 2019
This one's boring.
Once again I've had a really bad few weeks.
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.
Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.
I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.
I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.
Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.
I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.
What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.
I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.
Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.
I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.
I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.
Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.
I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.
What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.
I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
I'd fall for you.
Well, yes, I would. Okay, well I fell over today. In public. Beside a main road. Humiliating or what. Thankfully I wasn't on my own, and tch was able to haul me up again to a more vertical position. I had been so intent on commenting about a lovely old building across the road that I wasn't looking where I was putting my feet... and crash. Or thump morelike. A car even stopped to offer assistance. Warning, beached whale lying on the pavement. I am not sporting the beginnings of two fabulous bruises on my knees. Ouchy.
Christmas came and went. The main day was lovely, just the two of us. Life was manic the next day with all of tch's children and grandchildren coming. We were 21 that day. I had a really really bad stress reaction shortly afterwards. On Boxing Day 26th I was reasonably okay. I could feel my anxiety levels rising and couldn't think straight to accomplish anything. I was trying to make a few cups of tea and was dropping everything, very shaky. I took myself off upstairs to the quiet and stood with my head out the bedroom window for a few minutes. I find that calms me. There's something about the cold air that helps me. I thought I'd be fine after that, and it seemed that I was. The 26th was Tuesday. On Weds I slept a lot, almost the whole day. Again, not unusual for me as any activity involving people will wear me out with the whole adrenaline thing. During the night I awoke feeling very nauseous and had to rush to the bathroom. I don't know about you but I will do almost anything to avoid being sick. I hate it. That night I must have had 7 or 8 bouts of vomiting. I've never brushed my teeth so many times in one night. I felt truly awful all day Thurs and that night as well. It was Sunday before I could really say I was feeling better. On a positive note, I lost almost a stone. I've put most of it back on now though, I was probably dehydrated.
I know what caused it. Stress and anxiety. I've had it before, many times, but not as bad as this for many years. It was having the family here, plus I took on doing something that tch always does. I was therefore anxious this task went well and was a success, but I don't think it was.
The way I would describe it is to ask you to remember when you watched a scary/exciting film. Think of the part where your heart is in yo.ur mouth, you're on the edge of your seat. Now that feeling will go away shortly afterwards, but imagine if it stayed with you, and you can't stop it getting more intense. It's exhausting. It's a feeling that is hard to communicate to people, because the natural response is for them to tell you to calm down, not to worry about it. This doesn't work when you can't do that.
The last time I had it this bad was 12 years ago. This was a time when I felt that I'd put myself in a position where I simply should not have been there. There wasn't anything to be done about it and I just had to cope with it. I won't bore you with it, long story. The end result was the same though. 2 days later and I was vomiting so much I couldn't stand.
Gradually I am learning about my stress levels and most times I cope with it. This latest one has really been a doozy though.
Christmas came and went. The main day was lovely, just the two of us. Life was manic the next day with all of tch's children and grandchildren coming. We were 21 that day. I had a really really bad stress reaction shortly afterwards. On Boxing Day 26th I was reasonably okay. I could feel my anxiety levels rising and couldn't think straight to accomplish anything. I was trying to make a few cups of tea and was dropping everything, very shaky. I took myself off upstairs to the quiet and stood with my head out the bedroom window for a few minutes. I find that calms me. There's something about the cold air that helps me. I thought I'd be fine after that, and it seemed that I was. The 26th was Tuesday. On Weds I slept a lot, almost the whole day. Again, not unusual for me as any activity involving people will wear me out with the whole adrenaline thing. During the night I awoke feeling very nauseous and had to rush to the bathroom. I don't know about you but I will do almost anything to avoid being sick. I hate it. That night I must have had 7 or 8 bouts of vomiting. I've never brushed my teeth so many times in one night. I felt truly awful all day Thurs and that night as well. It was Sunday before I could really say I was feeling better. On a positive note, I lost almost a stone. I've put most of it back on now though, I was probably dehydrated.
I know what caused it. Stress and anxiety. I've had it before, many times, but not as bad as this for many years. It was having the family here, plus I took on doing something that tch always does. I was therefore anxious this task went well and was a success, but I don't think it was.
The way I would describe it is to ask you to remember when you watched a scary/exciting film. Think of the part where your heart is in yo.ur mouth, you're on the edge of your seat. Now that feeling will go away shortly afterwards, but imagine if it stayed with you, and you can't stop it getting more intense. It's exhausting. It's a feeling that is hard to communicate to people, because the natural response is for them to tell you to calm down, not to worry about it. This doesn't work when you can't do that.
The last time I had it this bad was 12 years ago. This was a time when I felt that I'd put myself in a position where I simply should not have been there. There wasn't anything to be done about it and I just had to cope with it. I won't bore you with it, long story. The end result was the same though. 2 days later and I was vomiting so much I couldn't stand.
Gradually I am learning about my stress levels and most times I cope with it. This latest one has really been a doozy though.
Tuesday, 7 November 2017
No, really, I'm okay.
The period of depression from a couple of weeks ago is shifting. I don't know why, but I'm not going to complain about it!
Don't know what really caused it in the first place, I'd been feeling so good and then sliding downwards at an alarming rate. Maybe the down had something to do with being here alone all day. Tch was home for almost 8 weeks in the summer and that was so lovely. When he went back to school I was alone in the daytime.
He's been home again for a week last week, we didn't do very much because his time off is unpaid. Managed a few hours on the beach, that was wonderful. Just the sound of the sea and the smell of ozone is so uplifting for me. My dopey dog had a little run around, attracting lots of attention. She has lost a leg (to cancer) and it seems everyone we meet wants to stop and say hello to her. She loves the attention, proper tart! We didn't go far because she can't walk for long, let alone run, but an hour on the sand and the sea was wonderful.
Now tch is back in school again. It's only Tuesday, but I think I'm okay. Yesterday I did some cleaning, today not quite so good, but okay. The trick is to keep busy, but sometimes it's difficult to do that.
How much easier would it be to know why depression hits? And what to do to make it go away? Million dollar questions!
I've learnt over the years that some foods can induce a depression. Snacks that have a pinky red colouring in them, I don't know the additive name so I can't rule it out in some snacks. Processed foods sometimes contain it. In fact processed foods in general are not good. It's better for me to have a meal cooked with the ingredients bought separately rather than from a jar or frozen. Too much energy drink will do it too. In the past I've had energy drink to try and get myself going, one is fine but any more and the resulting come-down afterwards when it wears off becomes more like a crash-down!
To help me to pull out of a depression: music is good. For me it's something loud and powerful. It could be Bon Jovi or it could be Celine Dion but it's got to blast me, so headphones are good. My first instinct when a depressive episode hits is to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head though. The music thing comes later.
Another thing I've learned, and tch taught me this one, I will decide whether or not something is my responsibility. What I mean is this: Say I am worrying about whether a certain thing will get done. Is it my responsibility? Whose responsibility it is? Well then, leave it to them. The choices other people make are not your responsibility. Honestly, that has made life a lot less worrysome for me. (is worrysome even a word?)
I don't know if these things would be of help to anyone else out there who has depression. All I can say is this is how it is for me, and these are some of the things that help me to kick it. Please, tell me if you know what triggers your depression, and what you do to make things better.
Wednesday, 20 September 2017
Giving it all away
Hello, I'm still here, I hope you're still there too.
On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.
The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.
How does one begin to learn to let go of things?
It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!
If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!
Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.
Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.
Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.
Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.
On the whole I've been really well, I'm having a bit of a dip now tho. I guess that's why I'm here again. It probably has a lot to do with thc being back in work. He was home for almost 8 weeks and it's dismal to be here alone now. I'd like very much to find a job but I get so anxious over the littlest thing. Need to conquer that first, I think.
The thing that is playing on my mind at the moment is the whole subject of letting go. I came across a Pooh bear the other day. He was sitting in my spare bedroom, just sat there lookin cute. I came to wondering just how long have I had this bear? The answer stunned me a bit - 40 years! I simple can't let go of things. I have drawers and bags of plush toys and suchlike that tch has given me. Every single one of them means something special to me. A job I once had (30 years ago) we had a mascot for the place and I bought a smaller plush one. Not letting that go either, thank you very much.
How does one begin to learn to let go of things?
It doesn't end with the stuffed toys. There are boxes of ornaments etc. in my attic as well. I don't even know what's up there any more, but if you showed me I would say I can't get rid of that!
If it's something I don't like very much, no problem. Thing is, I develop an attachment and then I want to keep it forever. We're gonna need a bigger house!
Seriously though, how can I start to let some of these things go? I shall turn into one of those hoarders you see on the tv. Not good.
Anyway, if you've any ideas on the subject, I'd be very grateful.
Back to depression. I've been really well lately. Since around June really, I'm very pleased. We went away for 5 nights, unheard of for me as I won't go away overnight usually. It was good though, I enjoyed it. This latest downturn is not so good. Perhaps I need to get out of the house a bit more. I had a woman come to assess my needs earlier this week. It was awful having to talk about my depression, out loud, to a stranger, who wrote everything down. Awful. It set me back a bit. Also, my memory is rubbish and I get confused easily, I was expecting her the day before. What a fool. I had to wait another 24 hours and get worked up about it all over again. The interview keeps playing over in my head. I'm trying to make it go away. I'll not hear a result from the interview for a few weeks, so I need to forget about it for a while.
Not a very interesting post, sorry. Not a riveting read.
Friday, 9 June 2017
Gloomy Tunes
Really really naff day today. Was supposed to go out this morning, didn't go. Went back to bed instead. Only been up a couple of hours and going back there again in a mo.
It's like a fog, I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to accomplish anything. Everything I try to do goes wrong or looks wrong. Definitely doesn't look right anyways. I've said before that it's like wading through soup and it really is. The push needed just to climb the stairs is humungous (is this really a word?).
In respect of doing anything craft related, I've completely lost any mojo I may have thought I had. Haven't made a card in eons (is that how you spell it?) and I think my metal stamping equipment must be gathering dust.
I can reason with myself, I can see that my thinking is flawed. I look on the internet at someone else's metal stamped examples and I can see that some of mine is just as good. Not all of it, let's be realistic. Even so, anything I've tried to do ends up in the bin, I think it's rubbish. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I try is rubbish.
So. If I can reason with myself, why do I still believe my thought process that it's all rubbish? I have no idea. Answers on a postcard, please.
It's like a fog, I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to accomplish anything. Everything I try to do goes wrong or looks wrong. Definitely doesn't look right anyways. I've said before that it's like wading through soup and it really is. The push needed just to climb the stairs is humungous (is this really a word?).
In respect of doing anything craft related, I've completely lost any mojo I may have thought I had. Haven't made a card in eons (is that how you spell it?) and I think my metal stamping equipment must be gathering dust.
I can reason with myself, I can see that my thinking is flawed. I look on the internet at someone else's metal stamped examples and I can see that some of mine is just as good. Not all of it, let's be realistic. Even so, anything I've tried to do ends up in the bin, I think it's rubbish. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I try is rubbish.
So. If I can reason with myself, why do I still believe my thought process that it's all rubbish? I have no idea. Answers on a postcard, please.
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
What a lot of not a lot.
Well, there's not a lot happening at the moment. I'm not leaving the house much at all. I went out on the 6th Nov with tch, then not until the 19th Nov. Tch had been given tickets for the rugby, so I went with him. More about that in a minute. I next went out on 23rd Nov, my metal health worker E took me to a craft morning. With hindsight I really wasn't well enough to have gone there, but I did feel marginally better for going. Stress man. The last time I went out was 26th Nov, I had said we would deliver an old palette to a friend, so I could hardly stay at home really.
That's 4 times I've been out of the house this month. Each time I have to go out I get so anxious beforehand, and will often have a bout of diarrhoea as well. Sometimes just the thought of an event looming will make my insides contract. The worst part is not being able to control this, to have shaky hands, need the bathroom fairly urgently and feel in such a state of panic.
The day we had tickets for the rugby was good in a lot of ways, but oh so stressful in others. It was good simply because I went, and in doing so I achieved a lot of things. I must tell you firstly that I have hurt my foot. It's my heel to be precise, plantar fasciitis. Because of this tch drove as close to the stadium as possible and I got out there. Then I was to find somewhere to wait for him to park the car and walk back* to wherever I was waiting. This meant I would be on my own, in a very very crowded city, until he walked back. He had a terrible job finding somewhere to park, drove round and round finding nothing. He said later that there were a lot of other drivers doing exactly the same thing, and we were two hours early for the match. Eventually he ended up paying £15 to park for 4 hours. Then he had to walk all the way back into the city to me.
I quickly found a Starbucks very close by and ordered/paid for my coffee. Although I was listening for my name, I missed it being called: the place was rammed full of people. By the time I asked about it, it was on the side, almost cold. The girl was lovely and made me another one, but I felt so stupid. Anyway, I have learnt how to deal with being on my own and I found a table in the window where I would see tch when he arrived. By sitting with my back to the room I couldn't see how busy it was, and thus I felt a bit calmer.
About an hour later tch arrived, we had another hot drink and then went to the stadium. Match was wonderful, I've never paid £5 for a burger before, I must be out of touch with what things cost. The walk back to the car was awful, I went slowly and stopped a lot. It would have been no good waiting for tch to drive back towards the stadium and pick me up as nothing was moving. We got back to the car, but it was almost another hour before we got out onto the main road. Total gridlock!!
So. I'm very pleased I went, and on the whole it was a very positive experience. I swear to you that nobody would know how unwell I am. I am very good at doing the sparkly thing. The amount of adrenaline that this takes is huge and I'm very tired afterwards. Why is it so important to do this? Why do I want to hide my mental health condition so much? I think maybe it's less stressful if people don't know. Does that make any sense at all?
I was supposed to be going out today, to the craft thing again. Made an excuse, couldn't cope with it. There will be other days, I'll go another day. Just want to stay at home and sleep a lot.
That's 4 times I've been out of the house this month. Each time I have to go out I get so anxious beforehand, and will often have a bout of diarrhoea as well. Sometimes just the thought of an event looming will make my insides contract. The worst part is not being able to control this, to have shaky hands, need the bathroom fairly urgently and feel in such a state of panic.
The day we had tickets for the rugby was good in a lot of ways, but oh so stressful in others. It was good simply because I went, and in doing so I achieved a lot of things. I must tell you firstly that I have hurt my foot. It's my heel to be precise, plantar fasciitis. Because of this tch drove as close to the stadium as possible and I got out there. Then I was to find somewhere to wait for him to park the car and walk back* to wherever I was waiting. This meant I would be on my own, in a very very crowded city, until he walked back. He had a terrible job finding somewhere to park, drove round and round finding nothing. He said later that there were a lot of other drivers doing exactly the same thing, and we were two hours early for the match. Eventually he ended up paying £15 to park for 4 hours. Then he had to walk all the way back into the city to me.
I quickly found a Starbucks very close by and ordered/paid for my coffee. Although I was listening for my name, I missed it being called: the place was rammed full of people. By the time I asked about it, it was on the side, almost cold. The girl was lovely and made me another one, but I felt so stupid. Anyway, I have learnt how to deal with being on my own and I found a table in the window where I would see tch when he arrived. By sitting with my back to the room I couldn't see how busy it was, and thus I felt a bit calmer.
About an hour later tch arrived, we had another hot drink and then went to the stadium. Match was wonderful, I've never paid £5 for a burger before, I must be out of touch with what things cost. The walk back to the car was awful, I went slowly and stopped a lot. It would have been no good waiting for tch to drive back towards the stadium and pick me up as nothing was moving. We got back to the car, but it was almost another hour before we got out onto the main road. Total gridlock!!
So. I'm very pleased I went, and on the whole it was a very positive experience. I swear to you that nobody would know how unwell I am. I am very good at doing the sparkly thing. The amount of adrenaline that this takes is huge and I'm very tired afterwards. Why is it so important to do this? Why do I want to hide my mental health condition so much? I think maybe it's less stressful if people don't know. Does that make any sense at all?
I was supposed to be going out today, to the craft thing again. Made an excuse, couldn't cope with it. There will be other days, I'll go another day. Just want to stay at home and sleep a lot.
Monday, 14 November 2016
The importance of a little bit of peace.
We are all speeding through our days, life has us on the fast track whether we want it or not.
My life is generally at a very slow pace but that fast track is all relative. Often it feels as though everything is moving too fast for me. I am not well enough to work at the moment but still life can get on top of me. I've not been well just lately (depression) and today makes 9 days that I've not been out of the house. I can't cope with people and the smallest thing has me confused. Tomorrow though I plan to go out. My mental health worker is going to give me a lift to a craft class. I really don't want to go, because I would just rather stay here on my own. It's better that way. I've said I'll go anyway.
Tch is in the process of making me a little patio area where I can sit and not be overlooked by anyone. It's not finished yet but this morning I sat out there with a coffee. It's amazing the difference to sit there instead of in the house, apart from the cold that is! No-one can see me, and so no-one will make an attempt to say hello or start a conversation. My neighbours are lovely but I don't want to talk to anyone. Sitting there, with the birds singing, was magical.
We all need that little bit of calm in our lives. Even if you have a crap life like mine, there is still stress in there somewhere. As soon as I replied to the text this morning, to say I would go out tomorrow, my insides started doing somersaults and since then I've had a runny bum. Sorry, too much info? Even thinking about it now makes me feel weak. The trouble is, once I go out for one thing, like the craft lesson tomorrow, one of the girls will suggest we do something else. Something like the cinema or getting together for a coffee. The way I am at the moment I just cant cope with that, and I don't want to give offence by saying no.
Where is your little bit of peace? What is it for? e.g. yoga, meditation or simply sitting and relaxing, like me.
My life is generally at a very slow pace but that fast track is all relative. Often it feels as though everything is moving too fast for me. I am not well enough to work at the moment but still life can get on top of me. I've not been well just lately (depression) and today makes 9 days that I've not been out of the house. I can't cope with people and the smallest thing has me confused. Tomorrow though I plan to go out. My mental health worker is going to give me a lift to a craft class. I really don't want to go, because I would just rather stay here on my own. It's better that way. I've said I'll go anyway.
Tch is in the process of making me a little patio area where I can sit and not be overlooked by anyone. It's not finished yet but this morning I sat out there with a coffee. It's amazing the difference to sit there instead of in the house, apart from the cold that is! No-one can see me, and so no-one will make an attempt to say hello or start a conversation. My neighbours are lovely but I don't want to talk to anyone. Sitting there, with the birds singing, was magical.
We all need that little bit of calm in our lives. Even if you have a crap life like mine, there is still stress in there somewhere. As soon as I replied to the text this morning, to say I would go out tomorrow, my insides started doing somersaults and since then I've had a runny bum. Sorry, too much info? Even thinking about it now makes me feel weak. The trouble is, once I go out for one thing, like the craft lesson tomorrow, one of the girls will suggest we do something else. Something like the cinema or getting together for a coffee. The way I am at the moment I just cant cope with that, and I don't want to give offence by saying no.
Where is your little bit of peace? What is it for? e.g. yoga, meditation or simply sitting and relaxing, like me.
This is my little bit of peace. The garden's a bit of a mess but the view is lovely. Btw, do you like my pallet? I made it from an old coffee table.
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Let me bear all...
What was the first teddy bear/doll or other object that you loved as a child?
Mine was a bear, Little Ted to be precise. He was very much worse for wear, his body was held together by one of my Grandad's handkerchiefs and all his limbs were just straggly bits of fur fabric. He was very small, but then, so was I. There was a family member who used to poke fun at him and threaten to throw him away. I was scared about this at the time, but I doubt she really meant it. Sadly he didn't last very long, his 'injuries' were too severe.
Then when I was in junior school one of the girls had two teddies, in different colours and she gave one to me. This sticks in my mind so much because she gave it to me for no reason other than that she wanted to. My Grandad picked me up from school that day and he saw it when we were walking home. Lots of questions about how I came by it, and I think the parents were later contacted as well. Now I felt guilty, so many questions had made me feel that I shouldn't have it, that it was wrong. I spent most of my home life scared that I'd done something wrong because he was so strict. Always a fierce and accusing face.
It was fine though, and I kept the bear. I think the pupil who gave it to me emigrated, but I still think of her gift and how she made me feel that I was liked.
Was this the reason I became so attached to the bear? He came everywhere with me, wherever I went. I named him Cuddly, and cuddle him I did! I cuddled him so much that he went almost completely flat. His limbs had hardly any stuffing in the main arm/leg, it was all compressed into hard pads in the ends. He had hardly any nose left, I was almost all kissed away. I wasn't happy in my childhood, and I think this little bear was my friend through it.
So, what makes us choose the toy that we love the most? For me I think it was because of the kindness shown from another little girl, in the gift of the bear. I think there's usually an association involved of some sort, with either a person, a place or a time.
How long did you stick with a beloved toy? I had Cuddly from about 6yrs old and he was with me for years and years. Today though, a child will have a toy, say one from a Disney film, and hug it and love it but only for a short while. They move on to the next one whilst the first toy is left sitting aside. Is this because of the amount of different toys that there are now? Today's child will probably have much more in the way of toys than we had when I was small. Maybe that's why they don't stay with one, that it's forgotten so quickly.
When I was in my 20s and my then boyfriend was moving in with me, he persuaded me to give loads of stuff to a charity shop. Yes, the bear went. I seriously doubt the charity shop would have wanted him so he probably ended up in a bin somewhere. I've regretted that ever since. That little bear got me through some tough years, I'd have preferred to know he was tucked away in a drawer somewhere.
Mine was a bear, Little Ted to be precise. He was very much worse for wear, his body was held together by one of my Grandad's handkerchiefs and all his limbs were just straggly bits of fur fabric. He was very small, but then, so was I. There was a family member who used to poke fun at him and threaten to throw him away. I was scared about this at the time, but I doubt she really meant it. Sadly he didn't last very long, his 'injuries' were too severe.
Then when I was in junior school one of the girls had two teddies, in different colours and she gave one to me. This sticks in my mind so much because she gave it to me for no reason other than that she wanted to. My Grandad picked me up from school that day and he saw it when we were walking home. Lots of questions about how I came by it, and I think the parents were later contacted as well. Now I felt guilty, so many questions had made me feel that I shouldn't have it, that it was wrong. I spent most of my home life scared that I'd done something wrong because he was so strict. Always a fierce and accusing face.
It was fine though, and I kept the bear. I think the pupil who gave it to me emigrated, but I still think of her gift and how she made me feel that I was liked.
Was this the reason I became so attached to the bear? He came everywhere with me, wherever I went. I named him Cuddly, and cuddle him I did! I cuddled him so much that he went almost completely flat. His limbs had hardly any stuffing in the main arm/leg, it was all compressed into hard pads in the ends. He had hardly any nose left, I was almost all kissed away. I wasn't happy in my childhood, and I think this little bear was my friend through it.
So, what makes us choose the toy that we love the most? For me I think it was because of the kindness shown from another little girl, in the gift of the bear. I think there's usually an association involved of some sort, with either a person, a place or a time.
How long did you stick with a beloved toy? I had Cuddly from about 6yrs old and he was with me for years and years. Today though, a child will have a toy, say one from a Disney film, and hug it and love it but only for a short while. They move on to the next one whilst the first toy is left sitting aside. Is this because of the amount of different toys that there are now? Today's child will probably have much more in the way of toys than we had when I was small. Maybe that's why they don't stay with one, that it's forgotten so quickly.
When I was in my 20s and my then boyfriend was moving in with me, he persuaded me to give loads of stuff to a charity shop. Yes, the bear went. I seriously doubt the charity shop would have wanted him so he probably ended up in a bin somewhere. I've regretted that ever since. That little bear got me through some tough years, I'd have preferred to know he was tucked away in a drawer somewhere.
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
Anxiety and mindfulness.
Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.
I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.
Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.
There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.
Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.
Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.
I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.
Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.
There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.
Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.
Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
Shitty few days - where did they come from?
Bit of a shitty couple of days. Feels so much worse coming after some really good days. I just feel really low. Not suicidal low, so it could be worse.
Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.
I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.
I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.
I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family live 170+miles away, and are very few.
D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.
Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.
Yesterday was a family birthday, my son-in-law D. All of tch's kids were going to the little get together, bringing most of the grandchildren too. It was only about a mile away from our house. I couldn't go, I just couldn't think straight and was so very tired. I knew I would have to 'sparkle' playing with the grandkids, and I wasn't well enough for that. Besides this, when I'm depressed I spend too much time thinking about how not many of them call me Nanna, and how they wouldn't care whether I was there or not. Seems that last part is true, because only one person has said they hope I'm feeling better, and that was D, after I messaged him to say I was sorry to have missed the party. I know tch always tells me that everyone asked after me, he always says that when my depression has stopped me from attending something. The thing is, how do I know that's true? Is he trying to make me feel better. When he says that I'm not coming along, the automatic response is to say 'ok, I hope she's feeling better soon'. That is not the same as either messaging me or texting me, to show that they care. It would mean a lot if one of the kids showed they cared. As it is, I always feel as though I am only an appendage to tch, I come along with him and they're stuck with me. All the kids are aged 30+ and so are quite capable of doing that. I would like to think that if someone wasn't able to come to a birthday party because they were unwell, that I would follow it up later to see how they were and to show I was thinking of them.
I've always had a bit of a thing about tch's family, I don't think they want me in their lives really. It's like they are nice to me because we are married. Whenever I see them no-one asks about anything in my life. How are my family? I ask about theirs. They have no interest in what may be happening in my life, and only talk about what is happening in theirs. That is probably a bit harsh, but the way I feel at the moment, that is the way it seems.
I recognise that when I am depressed I see all the negatives. However, when something is still the way that I saw it when I was depressed, then surely it must be true.
I'm getting a lot better at recognising when I'm only seeing the negatives, and I can think to myself 'that will look different when I'm well'. Like when I'm low I always think the house is dirty. When I'm not so low it doesn't look like that. It's not fabulous, it could always do with a clean, but it doesn't look like I believed when depressed. I would really love to be proved wrong about tch's family, to see that they like me and are interested in me. They are the ones I see most because my own family live 170+miles away, and are very few.
D'you know, I think I've hit the nail on the head there, 'and are interested in me'. They are always very nice to me, they remember my birthday and some of them remember me at mother's day (there are 4 children) but because they don't ask any questions about me, I think they are just not interested in me. They would not dream of being impolite to me, out of respect for their father, but that's as far as it goes. I shall think again about this when I am not feeling so depressed and observe how they behave with me. Don't hold your breath.
Quick update on the furry situation: the dog's holding on in there. The latest tumour doesn't seem to be growing as fast as the others. The kitten is allowed outside - Halleflippinlujah! She's being very timid and not staying out long enough to learn to poo outside yet. The other two cats have been shown repeatedly that the cat flap is now unlocked, but it seems that the brain cell they once shared has been lost. Sigh. Never mind, we'll get there. The kitten still follows me everywhere and sleeps behind my knees - the best anti-depressant ever.
Monday, 22 August 2016
A complete lack of self confidence.
Such a quiet day today. Tch was out of the house for several hours helping family to take rubbish to the tip. Not something I could have been much help with, requires a few muscles to lift and carry. So I stayed here and got a few little tasks done. I'm noticing that I'm procrastinating a lot when it comes to having a go at my craft stuff. This morning I spent a while cleaning old cutlery in readiness for making dog/cat food forks. When I was finished though I didn't have a try at making one, I've just brought them upstairs and left them in my craft room. These days I only spend time in here on my laptop, it's ages since I actually made anything. Any time I sit here and have a try, I get this 'I can't do this' feeling and everything turns out rubbish. It's a complete lack of self confidence. Recognising it as such is a step in the right direction, I guess.
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Flea market and memory problems.
It felt like a good idea to go out today, breathe some fresh air. I have been indoors for several days, I think, so it was a good idea to get outside. I'm saying 'I think' because I honestly can't remember what I've done/where I've been over the past few days. If there's something to jog my memory then it comes back to me, but my memory is so bad that I can't recall the days without help. Not good, but I think it would all improve if my mind were more active. I don't use my brain, being depressed makes my brain stagnate, and then there's the meds. I'm on a lot of anti-depressants, venlafaxine, mirtazipine and lithium. I think they cause a degree of brain fog as well.
I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.
For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.
I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.
There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.
I digress. I went out today. Tch and I went to an indoor flea market not far away from home. The weather was a bit rainy, hence we went to an indoor one. I really like it there, a lot of lovely things, I could have spent a fortune. I didn't buy a lovely glass bowl; I didn't buy a fabulous lamp shade for the living room (we do need one, I wasn't being entirely frivolous); and I didn't buy a fab scarf-thing. So look at all that money I saved!! I don't think they sell many items, there were a fair amount of spider webs and dust around. I would seriously consider going back for the light shade though, I loved it.
For most of the time I was feeling okay. The only times that I began to get a little anxious was when someone talked to me. One lady chatted briefly but I was able to move on and not look around for tch in a panic. A man started to talk to us both about some paintings. He saw us looking at them and was trying to sell us one. I really didn't like that. I felt pressured, and pushed into commenting and then to answer his questions. I could feel my heartbeat getting faster. I managed to say they were very nice before moving away from his stand.
I was very glad that tch did all the driving today. At times the traffic was very busy, and at one point all 3 lanes were at a standstill, with us needing to cross the lanes to get onto a roundabout. If I were driving I think that might have finished me off for the day! It was so, so, so good to get back home, get changed into comfy old clothes and sit on the sofa.
There is a chance we may go to a beach tomorrow. My eldest stepdaughter N and her family is going to have a day at a beach and has asked us if we'd like to go along with them. I would love this as we see very little of her partner's 3 children. Also, if we go too then all the kids could come as we could have a couple in our car too. The eldest two are 18 and 19 though, so they may not want to come. We'll see the others though, so that would be so lovely. The weather forecast isn't good for tomorrow, so we'll see. I'm thinking this is really good, I'm not stressing out about the day, but instead I'm looking forward to it, wanting it to happen. So good.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
The Inbetweener.
This is the day in between course days. We shall be attending the diabetic course on a Tues and Thurs, and today is Weds and I'm feeling very tired. On a usual week I would be picked up this morning to go to a craft class. My mental health worker E takes me and brings me home. I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this during the course weeks, for me it's too much.
To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.
All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.
To be ready to go to work I know I'll need to be able to do more in a day/week, but at this stage anything I do wears me out. It's not just the physical tiredness, I am exhausted emotionally. It's the adrenaline needed to get through these things. How fab would it be to see it as something to go out and enjoy, rather than to get through. Most of the time me eye is on the time, as the little voice in my head starts saying 'I want to go home'. I know it's just my thoughts, I don't actually hear voices, but it starts up at varying times when I'm out. Sometimes it starts up when I'm home, then it means I want to go to bed and switch off from everything.
All in all though, I don't think I'm feeling as tired today as I was afraid I might be. Good.
Started the diabetic course today.
This course is going to be two days a week, for three weeks, two and a half hours a day. Tch is doing the course with me because he does all of our food shopping and all of our cooking. I couldn't see how there would be enough information about diabetes to fill all six sessions, but found today really interesting. I have lots of questions about it and am hopeful that they will all be answered in time.
I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.
Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.
I really, really didn't want to go today, to this course. For the most part, I'm glad that I did, but I also wish I could have stayed here at home. It was made much easier to have tch with me. He drove us there, so I didn't have to sweat about finding the place, and it made me feel a lot easier having him there by my side.
Apart from the anxieties associated with going to this course, I've been feeling really good. Our lovely dog Sally is on the mend as far as her recent surgery is concerned. The vet removed the stitches from the big scar; the smaller scar that she bit open is healing well. Having the buster collar on is driving her nuts, she makes a hell of a noise trying to scratch her ears. Not long now though. We've decided to take thinks as they come in respect of any further lumps/tumours. We don't want to put her through all this stress of the surgery again, but equally the histology results say they've been successful in removing them this time.
Sunday, 24 July 2016
Can I have some good news, please? Huh?
Well, we've had the news about the two tumours removed from lumpy-dog Sally. It's not good, both were tumours. We already knew the large one was a mast tumour, but the small one (the one the vet didn't think was a tumour at all) is a nasty one, and quite rare. It stems from the follicle, I think. The report indicates they think all the bad stuff is removed, so let's hope they're right. I suppose the good news is that Sal is oblivious to the whole situation, unaware that death could be just around the corner. She's quite happy. Apart from the fact that she has to wear the lampshade collar, which of course is all our fault and so she gives the cold shoulder frequently. Until a treat is offered. What a tart!
Tch has started the summer break and is off work until early September, in line with the Summer holidays. A break in the lovely weather, it's pouring with rain, so we're confined to the house today. I love the times when I don't have to go anywhere, it relaxes me a little. It's Sunday today too, so no delivery/business folk will knock the door. Bliss. Today I don't even feel guilty for enjoying staying at home, just the two of us.
We went to see my middle stepdaughter R yesterday, one of our grandson had a birthday yesterday. Lovely visit, we don't see them often enough.
Quick update on the smelly cat situation. We think we've stopped the kitten peeing behind the sofa... yay!... but now she sometimes pees on the bathroom carpet. Same place as the elderly cat does it. I suppose it keeps the problem contained to one area. Still stinks in there though. I intend to ask the vet tomorrow whether she's old enough to be spayed. Once that's out the way and all healed, the cat flaps can be opened, and we may need to fork out for a new carpet!
Here's the little cutie kitten:
I know, she looks so innocent. To be fair, it's the elderly Katie that's creating the problem. She's getting old now, I dread something happening to her.
My mood's been quite good lately. I haven't been out very much, my mental health worker is on hol this week and so won't be taking me to the craft club. Also, I told her I wasn't going last week. I am so happy about this, I know I shouldn't be like this, but I don't want to go out and this way I don't have to! I went to the gp surgery for a blood test, does that count as going out? I think so. It went really well too. I was only booked for diabetes check, but she agreed to do lithuim (should have had it 5 weeks ago) and vitamin D (should have had it eons ago). I thought I may be frowned upon at the very least as both were so overdue, but all was fine. Phew!
Back to the vet in the morning, again, to have Sal's wound checked. It's the surgery scar that she bit into. Slight problem for me, I need to be feeling well (depression-wise) to do this. It's because everyone, and I really mean Everyone, wants to talk when they see Sal. She had a leg amputated in March, and in addition now has two surgery scars and a cone on her head. Everyone I meet is all, 'Awww, love her, how did that happen?' I never thought she'd cope being recently on three legs and new wearing the cone, but she does really well.
This is Sally, after the amputation but before the new tumours developed:
Tch has started the summer break and is off work until early September, in line with the Summer holidays. A break in the lovely weather, it's pouring with rain, so we're confined to the house today. I love the times when I don't have to go anywhere, it relaxes me a little. It's Sunday today too, so no delivery/business folk will knock the door. Bliss. Today I don't even feel guilty for enjoying staying at home, just the two of us.
We went to see my middle stepdaughter R yesterday, one of our grandson had a birthday yesterday. Lovely visit, we don't see them often enough.
Quick update on the smelly cat situation. We think we've stopped the kitten peeing behind the sofa... yay!... but now she sometimes pees on the bathroom carpet. Same place as the elderly cat does it. I suppose it keeps the problem contained to one area. Still stinks in there though. I intend to ask the vet tomorrow whether she's old enough to be spayed. Once that's out the way and all healed, the cat flaps can be opened, and we may need to fork out for a new carpet!
Here's the little cutie kitten:
I know, she looks so innocent. To be fair, it's the elderly Katie that's creating the problem. She's getting old now, I dread something happening to her.
My mood's been quite good lately. I haven't been out very much, my mental health worker is on hol this week and so won't be taking me to the craft club. Also, I told her I wasn't going last week. I am so happy about this, I know I shouldn't be like this, but I don't want to go out and this way I don't have to! I went to the gp surgery for a blood test, does that count as going out? I think so. It went really well too. I was only booked for diabetes check, but she agreed to do lithuim (should have had it 5 weeks ago) and vitamin D (should have had it eons ago). I thought I may be frowned upon at the very least as both were so overdue, but all was fine. Phew!
Back to the vet in the morning, again, to have Sal's wound checked. It's the surgery scar that she bit into. Slight problem for me, I need to be feeling well (depression-wise) to do this. It's because everyone, and I really mean Everyone, wants to talk when they see Sal. She had a leg amputated in March, and in addition now has two surgery scars and a cone on her head. Everyone I meet is all, 'Awww, love her, how did that happen?' I never thought she'd cope being recently on three legs and new wearing the cone, but she does really well.
This is Sally, after the amputation but before the new tumours developed:
Wednesday, 20 July 2016
Can a person choose to be happy?
Can a person choose to be happy? A lot of people seem to think so, but I'm not so sure.
On a day when I am feeling ok, that's not very depressed but not completely well, I may be able to find something that will lift my mood. Music can often do this for me. Maybe I can find something I want to sing along to, that would be great. Is this choosing to be happy?
If I am feeling low, I will most likely be at home refusing to go out, and maybe in my bed trying to switch off from the world. When I'm like that, very little can lift my mood. Usually if I interact at all it is to feel guilty for not doing something. Like when I hear people out in their gardens working/mowing the lawn. Then I just feel overwhelming guilt. There is no choosing happiness there.
I can usually see the positives in a situation, but I will see the negatives first. Being able to see the positives does not make me able to feel happiness for them though.
No, I don't think a person can choose to be happy. I think that only a well person can do this.
I can give the appearance of being happy. When I interact with anyone other than tch I will put on 'the sparkle' and pretend to be happy and lively. The longer that I have to do this for, the more exhausted I will become. You'll notice I say that I have to do this, I say that because I can find no other way to cope with others. If I were to allow even a tiny bit of how I am really feeling come out, I think I might crumble completely. Then questions would be asked and I would have to talk about it.
I cannot talk about my mental health to anyone other than tch. Other people rarely understand depression and will often offer advice. Advice that they think will sort out 'my problem'. As if I wouldn't have tried this years ago already. People can usually only relate to their own experiences, so they remember how they felt when they were a bit low. That is not depression! That's like a person having a heart attack with someone trying to treat them for heartburn. Nuff said.
On a day when I am feeling ok, that's not very depressed but not completely well, I may be able to find something that will lift my mood. Music can often do this for me. Maybe I can find something I want to sing along to, that would be great. Is this choosing to be happy?
If I am feeling low, I will most likely be at home refusing to go out, and maybe in my bed trying to switch off from the world. When I'm like that, very little can lift my mood. Usually if I interact at all it is to feel guilty for not doing something. Like when I hear people out in their gardens working/mowing the lawn. Then I just feel overwhelming guilt. There is no choosing happiness there.
I can usually see the positives in a situation, but I will see the negatives first. Being able to see the positives does not make me able to feel happiness for them though.
No, I don't think a person can choose to be happy. I think that only a well person can do this.
I can give the appearance of being happy. When I interact with anyone other than tch I will put on 'the sparkle' and pretend to be happy and lively. The longer that I have to do this for, the more exhausted I will become. You'll notice I say that I have to do this, I say that because I can find no other way to cope with others. If I were to allow even a tiny bit of how I am really feeling come out, I think I might crumble completely. Then questions would be asked and I would have to talk about it.
I cannot talk about my mental health to anyone other than tch. Other people rarely understand depression and will often offer advice. Advice that they think will sort out 'my problem'. As if I wouldn't have tried this years ago already. People can usually only relate to their own experiences, so they remember how they felt when they were a bit low. That is not depression! That's like a person having a heart attack with someone trying to treat them for heartburn. Nuff said.
Tuesday, 12 July 2016
What a positive day!!
Fabulous day today, I have finished off so many little jobs.
First though, yesterday. I was already not feeling good, but in the early evening I really went downhill, and I went back to bed, for the night. I believed that everything I did was wrong, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't want to be with tch because he's want me to talk about it and I didn't feel strong enough to do that. So I went to bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Everything felt so pointless.
I woke later in the evening and went downstairs to where tch was watching some tv. I was wrong in thinking he would want me to talk about it. He asked, but was totally accepting when I said I didn't want to. I ate a sandwich and watched some tv with him. I'm really so much better when I have company, only with tch though. Why do I always want to switch off from everything and everyone when my mood is like this? I always do though.
Felt so much better this morning. I was up around 9am, back to my usual time. Did all sorts of little things, laundry, made bread (machine), made cookies - not a tremendous success but hey, they're edible. Medicated the dog, she was not impressed, did the dishwasher, cleared and put away dry laundry. I can't remember what else, but it feels so good to have cleared a few jobs. I've even had a shower - shock, horror! It's 16:00 now and I'm expecting tch home in about an hour.
The cat situation is no better, but I'm feeling a lot better about it, and I think that's what counts. There is a fairly faint smell of bleach in the bathroom but not overpowering. I'm sure it's a very strong smell if you're a cat, and I think we'll probably have another episode of cat pee at some stage. tch couldn't find the cat repellent stuff yesterday, so he's going to try a larger store today. Fingers crossed.
My laptop has a fault again, second time. The first time I made contact with the 'help' folks they rang me and did that thing where they take control of your computer to fix it. They came highly recommended, but now I'm not so sure. I found the whole thing very stressful, so I might ask tch if he'll deal with it this time. It's very weird when they take control of your computer, I kept wanting to reach out to the mouse to click on something!
When I have to ask tch to do something for me, something that I would normally get on and do myself, I feel such a failure. I used to have a job where I had a level of responsibility, and I was good at it. It seems that I'm incapable of the simplest things sometimes now. When this happens I will inevitably dwell on it for ages, picking at it in my mind, even though I know this is not a good thing to do. I guess I realise this now, so at least that's kind of a step forwards. Just have to learn not to beat myself up about it every time I have to ask for help. It's like I've changed from being an adult to being a large child who needs to be looked after. My independence has gone the same way as my motivation. And as for my memory... what memory?! As you have already read further up the page, I can't remember all the jobs I did this morning.
Monday, 11 July 2016
Good weekend.
Life in Smellyville is improving greatly. The bathroom now smells strongly of Domestos, it's like walking into a public swimming baths. I've been recommended a product to deter the cat from the area, so I'm hoping that will be a winner on two levels. Firstly to stop her peeing there, and secondly to get rid of the smell of the bleach. I know bleach is a no-no for this kind of thing, but I just couldn't stand the stench of cat urine any longer. I am so glad we didn't have any visitors during that time, I would have been mortified because of the smell. This whole problem has had a big effect on my mood.
I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.
Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.
Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.
This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!
I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.
Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!
I've had tch with me over the weekend and that's had a really good effect on my mood. We took the dog to the vet (again) on Sat and they don't think the latest lump is a lump at all. Rather it may just be an infected area which where the swelling will reduce when it's treated. The dog is now rivalling me with the amount of medication she has daily! She's now added antibiotics and stuff to clean the wound along with her joint meds. It's hard to stop her licking the wound but I'm trying to only put a collar on her at night. Poor bugger is already on 3 legs without having to cope with a lampshade collar as well. She still goes in for surgery to remove one tumour on Thurs.
Tch and I went to visit middle stepdaughter (R) on Sun, it was her birthday. We first went to eldest stepdaughter (N) to pick up her birthday card and then into youngest stepdaughter (C) to collect hers. Am considering a career in the postal service. It was fab to see them all, and I got a cuddle from one of the grandsons.
Do you find that very often something really small can bother you for ages? When we left R's house to go home, I hugged R and her husband, but because I know that both grandsons don't really like to be hugged, I just said goodbye and blew a kiss. They are both teenagers, and are seriously not into grandparent hugs. I knew later that tch had hugged them, and now I keep thinking about it. I don't want them to think that I don't care for them. Now, I know it's daft to worry about it, but I just do, and I can't switch off the worry. Do you know what I mean? I am a big believer in knowing when I can't change something, but although I know I can't change this, I still worry. I think it probably all comes down to a fear of not being liked. I'm sure it does. If they thought I didn't care, they wouldn't like me. Daft, isn't it.
This is why I am not a fan of CBT. I understand the way of thinking, and do try to think accordingly. The big 'but' for me though is HOW I'm supposed to switch off the worry-voice in my head that is still saying the bad stuff. It's like, in this recent situation, I know I should think that the lads will be fine with me, in fact they may be glad they didn't have to suffer a hug. BUT the worry is still there. You see, CBT is fine, but no-one can tell you how to stop the original negative thoughts. It becomes a question of living with both of them. I know how I should see a situation, and I try, really I do, but alongside that is still the original anxiety. I can only assume that it's meant to get easier as time goes on. Hmmm, I did a CBT course around 2004, so I'm not holding my breath on that one!
I've lost a big chunk of today (Mon), I slept until around 11am. It's very unlike me, I'm usually up around 8-9am. I think I'm just tired tho. Please let the days of being in my bed until 3pm be gone for good. It's a long time since then, and I'm so pleased with my progress.
Msg from tch, he'll be home early today - Yay! So pleased!
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
Not a good day. Waiting on the phone.
Am feeling absolutely crap today. There's really no logical reason why I should feel so low and so sad.
However, the positives... I'm up. Not actually showered or dressed yet, but I'm up. It's not long after noon here. I've done a couple of minor housework bits. Oh yeah, and I've put my idea into action to stop the kitten peeing behind the sofa. I'm trying to have her not want to walk there, and to that end I've scattered the floor with talcum powder. It's a hard floor, so I'm hoping this will put her off.
Still no further forward with the bathroom though. This is where the elderly cat has been peeing. It's really getting me down. I scrubbed it not end yesterday, but still it smells today. Aside from ripping up the carpet I just don't know what to do. It's going to be the end of August before I can open the cat flaps (kitten not allowed out) and it's going to drive me crazy by then. I guess if I can't sort it out we'll just have to put up with it until August and then find the money for a new carpet.
Money issues are not ideal in the summer break, tch works in schools and has six weeks off. That's great, but being self-employed that also means no wage.
Today I feel that I just don't care. All I really want to do is go back to my bed and pull the duvet over my head.
We have several family birthdays around this time. So it's then time to pull on the happy face and sparkle away! It's my grandson's birthday today and I don't know where to find the motivation to be there. He's a gorgeous little boy, and he's one of the few who call me Nanna. That means such a lot to me. I shall ask tch to stay by my side and try my best.
My dog had a leg amputated in March of this year, due to a lump which turned out to be cancer. Last weekend I found another lump, in her side or maybe in her upper GI tract. The vet took a sample on Monday and they will ring with the results. Scary.
I think maybe the whole dog thing is affecting me more that I thought it would. That's because today, as well as being grandchild's birthday, was our other dog's birthday. Now, I'm not crazy enough to celebrate the dog's birthday, but we always used to tell our grandson that he shared his birthday, and that the dog was only a little older that him. If you're not a pet person, I don't expect you to understand, but thinking about him, and worrying about this one's new lump, I think it's pulled me down a lot. I was already low and this hasn't helped.
My mental health worker is on holiday this week and so cannot take me to the craft club today. I'm glad, because I don't want to go out, but I wonder whether it would have lifted my mood a little if I'd had to push myself to go. Well, I'm going to have to push myself to go out to my stepdaughter's later, so we'll see how that goes. Meantime, I think I'm going to go back to my bed for a while, switching off will be good. Sometimes I wake up a bit better.
However, the positives... I'm up. Not actually showered or dressed yet, but I'm up. It's not long after noon here. I've done a couple of minor housework bits. Oh yeah, and I've put my idea into action to stop the kitten peeing behind the sofa. I'm trying to have her not want to walk there, and to that end I've scattered the floor with talcum powder. It's a hard floor, so I'm hoping this will put her off.
Still no further forward with the bathroom though. This is where the elderly cat has been peeing. It's really getting me down. I scrubbed it not end yesterday, but still it smells today. Aside from ripping up the carpet I just don't know what to do. It's going to be the end of August before I can open the cat flaps (kitten not allowed out) and it's going to drive me crazy by then. I guess if I can't sort it out we'll just have to put up with it until August and then find the money for a new carpet.
Money issues are not ideal in the summer break, tch works in schools and has six weeks off. That's great, but being self-employed that also means no wage.
Today I feel that I just don't care. All I really want to do is go back to my bed and pull the duvet over my head.
We have several family birthdays around this time. So it's then time to pull on the happy face and sparkle away! It's my grandson's birthday today and I don't know where to find the motivation to be there. He's a gorgeous little boy, and he's one of the few who call me Nanna. That means such a lot to me. I shall ask tch to stay by my side and try my best.
My dog had a leg amputated in March of this year, due to a lump which turned out to be cancer. Last weekend I found another lump, in her side or maybe in her upper GI tract. The vet took a sample on Monday and they will ring with the results. Scary.
I think maybe the whole dog thing is affecting me more that I thought it would. That's because today, as well as being grandchild's birthday, was our other dog's birthday. Now, I'm not crazy enough to celebrate the dog's birthday, but we always used to tell our grandson that he shared his birthday, and that the dog was only a little older that him. If you're not a pet person, I don't expect you to understand, but thinking about him, and worrying about this one's new lump, I think it's pulled me down a lot. I was already low and this hasn't helped.
My mental health worker is on holiday this week and so cannot take me to the craft club today. I'm glad, because I don't want to go out, but I wonder whether it would have lifted my mood a little if I'd had to push myself to go. Well, I'm going to have to push myself to go out to my stepdaughter's later, so we'll see how that goes. Meantime, I think I'm going to go back to my bed for a while, switching off will be good. Sometimes I wake up a bit better.
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