I'd fall for you.

Well, yes, I would. Okay, well I fell over today. In public. Beside a main road. Humiliating or what. Thankfully I wasn't on my own, and tch was able to haul me up again to a more vertical position. I had been so intent on commenting about a lovely old building across the road that I wasn't looking where I was putting my feet... and crash. Or thump morelike. A car even stopped to offer assistance. Warning, beached whale lying on the pavement. I am not sporting the beginnings of two fabulous bruises on my knees. Ouchy.

Christmas came and went. The main day was lovely, just the two of us. Life was manic the next day with all of tch's children and grandchildren coming. We were 21 that day. I had a really really bad stress reaction shortly afterwards. On Boxing Day 26th I was reasonably okay. I could feel my anxiety levels rising and couldn't think straight to accomplish anything. I was trying to make a  few cups of tea and was dropping everything, very shaky. I took myself off upstairs to the quiet and stood with my head out the bedroom window for a few minutes. I find that calms me. There's something about the cold air that helps me. I thought I'd be fine after that, and it seemed that I was. The 26th was Tuesday. On Weds I slept a lot, almost the whole day. Again, not unusual for me as any activity involving people will wear me out with the whole adrenaline thing. During the night I awoke feeling very nauseous and had to rush to the bathroom. I don't know about you but I will do almost anything to avoid being sick. I hate it. That night I must have had 7 or 8 bouts of vomiting. I've never brushed my teeth so many times in one night. I felt truly awful all day Thurs and that night as well. It was Sunday before I could really say I was feeling better. On a positive note, I lost almost a stone. I've put most of it back on now though, I was probably dehydrated.

I know what caused it. Stress and anxiety. I've had it before, many times, but not as bad as this for many years. It was having the family here, plus I took on doing something that tch always does. I was therefore anxious this task went well and was a success, but I don't think it was.

The way I would describe it is to ask you to remember when you watched a scary/exciting film. Think of the part where your heart is in yo.ur mouth, you're on the edge of your seat. Now that feeling will go away shortly afterwards, but imagine if it stayed with you, and you can't stop it getting more intense. It's exhausting. It's a feeling that is hard to communicate to people, because the natural response is for them to tell you to calm down, not to worry about it. This doesn't work when you can't do that.

The last time I had it this bad was 12 years ago. This was a time when I felt that I'd put myself in a position where I simply should not have been there. There wasn't anything to be done about it and I just had to cope with it. I won't bore you with it, long story. The end result was the same though. 2 days later and I was vomiting so much I couldn't stand.

Gradually I am learning about my stress levels and most times I cope with it. This latest one has really been a doozy though.

Anxiety and mindfulness.

Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.

I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.

Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.

There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.

Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.

Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.

Duvet day and dopey dog.

Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.

I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.

When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.

Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.

Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.

Not today thank you.

I was invited to go to a retreat/mindfulness day today. The ch was already booked to go, and he asked if I'd like to go along too. I've done an 8 week course in mindfulness (one day a week) and I knew it would be a beneficial thing for me to do. There was to be yoga too. It was only for four hours. No surprises then when I say I didn't go. It was to be a silent retreat for the most part. As I'm someone who doesn't like talking to people, it would have been a fab opportunity to socialise a little while not having to talk very much either.

Yep, I am a little cross with myself for not going. I did what felt right for me, and that's all I can do. Putting pressure on myself to go to the retreat would only have stressed me more. Instead I have gotten a few things done at home, done a little reading and furminated the dog. Excellent!

What's furminating the dog, I hear you cry? It's a little tool, much like a razor. You use it on the dog's fur and it is designed to only remove the finer undercoat of the dog's fur. Summer's just around the corner (we hope!) and the dog is shedding her winter coat all over the house. And I do mean ALL over the house! It seems like five minutes after I hoover there's dog hair everywhere again. I do it outdoors. I'm pretty sure the neighbours are mystified as to where all these little clouds of fluffiness are coming from. I just flies up into the air all over the place, so I have to check no-one's has any washing out on the line first. They'd take the dry laundry back in and it would be furry!

I know I'm focusing on the failures, but I didn't go on the walk on friday either. My mental health worker set it up locally just for me (all the other activities are a little way from me and hard to get to) I could use the excuse that the weather wasn't fab, but it wasn't raining at the starting time.

Focus on the positives? Yeah, yeah, I know. I can't help it, I guess it's something I need to work on.

Just came across this, seems to fit perfectly.

Last mindfulness, noise hurts and let me sleep

I attended the last session of my mindfulness course this morning. It's been interesting, but I haven't really committed to it enough. I did a little practice during the week, but I'm told that to gain the benefit of it I should practice daily. This does not happen when my mood is so low, but I will try to do it on other days.

Although I didn't do very much at all over the weekend, I am really tired today. It's from the adrenaline I think. We went up to family because one of my granddaughters was home from uni for the weekend. It was lovely to see her, but I didn't cope well with the noise etc. Noise seems to hurt when it's too loud, does that sound crazy?

Did a little craft work last night, first time in weeks. It seemed as though everything went wrong when I tried previously. Everything looked to me as if a 5 yr old had made it, and then that would send me even lower.

I really need to sleep now, even though it's only 2pm. I've heard that most people with depression don't sleep much and have difficulty getting to sleep, but I'm constantly tired. I can sleep for a few hours in the day and still go to sleep at night. How does your sleep pattern affect you?