Yes. I've taken a step backwards alright. My depression has worsened over the last few days. It was 4pm today when I was having a shower and putting clothes on. I guess there's one positive in there, I've had a shower and I've dressed. That's two positives, way to go me!
Life feels pretty shit at the moment. I want to be left alone, but tch is so lovely in looking after me that I can't tell him this. He's back in work today (Mon).
I've had a phone message from my mental health worker asking whether I'm going to the craft club on Weds. I really don't want to go. I tell myself that if I stay home I could take the dog out for a short walk, or do some work in the garden. Like either of those things is going to happen. In reality I'll stay in the house and probably sleep most of the time. I can see that it would be a very good thing therefore for me to go out on Weds morning. I don't like it very much though, I hardly know the people there. I know, I know, I won't get to know them either unless I show up a few times. It's like I can't hold a conversation at the moment. I can't think straight, and I get my words muddled. I put things in weird places too. You would almost have to play Hunt the Kettle in our kitchen. It's not that bad, but I keep putting the sugar in the teapot instead of in the mug, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel distanced from everything, as though it's all happening to someone else and I'm outside looking in. So. Result so far, is no result at all. I haven't phoned her back. I could text and say I'm not going, she wouldn't mind, but it would be so much better for me if I could go along. I'm thinking I'll leave it until this evening and text her that I'm not going. I think. Then I'll go and have a guilt sandwich.
More gloom. I've found another small lump on the dog. It's in her haunch, that's the best way to describe it. It's not sitting under the skin as a raised lump. I don't think this is good, I think the raised lump has more chance of being benign. Who am I kidding. I don't think any lump is going to be benign, poor lass. The other two lumps that I've found over the last few weeks don't seem to be growing fast. That's by no means all though. Now she's developed a skin disorder. She scratches, licks and nibbles so much that she has bald patches coming. It's not an infestation, I only wish it was, then it would be treatable so simply. The vet's given me anti-histamines and said if they don't work after four days then they're not going to. That was five days ago. She's scratching etc. a little bit less, or maybe that's my wishful thinking. The vet explained that if it didn't work, there are tablets she could take, but they are known to increase the growth rate of abnormal cells. In other words, she already has a cancer and these tablets would bring it on faster. So what do we do? Not give her the tablets will leave her scratching and her skin getting worse. It's already red and inflamed now. Giving her the tablets will stop the itching and make her comfortable, but the cancer will take her quicker. I'm thinking the answer is there in the word comfortable. It's a very hard choice to make though, we'd be effectively condemning her to a faster death. I've looked it up on the internet and there may be another option, the vet hasn't mentioned this though. It's a steroid injection. Sally would not be able to have them repeatedly, but I think I'll ask the vet about it and how long the effects would last. If she was allowed to have two in a row, and each one lasted a couple of months, then that would be fantastic. We don't expect her to live all that long, not with tumours popping up like she's a gremlin. Was it gremlins or was it furbies? Oh, you know what I mean. You couldn't feed 'em after midnight.
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