Gloomy Tunes

Really really naff day today. Was supposed to go out this morning, didn't go. Went back to bed instead. Only been up a couple of hours and going back there again in a mo.

It's like a fog, I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to accomplish anything. Everything I try to do goes wrong or looks wrong. Definitely doesn't look right anyways. I've said before that it's like wading through soup and it really is. The push needed just to climb the stairs is humungous (is this really a word?).

In respect of doing anything craft related, I've completely lost any mojo I may have thought I had. Haven't made a card in eons (is that how you spell it?) and I think my metal stamping equipment must be gathering dust.

I can reason with myself, I can see that my thinking is flawed. I look on the internet at someone else's metal stamped examples and I can see that some of mine is just as good. Not all of it, let's be realistic. Even so, anything I've tried to do ends up in the bin, I think it's rubbish. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I try is rubbish.

So. If I can reason with myself, why do I still believe my thought process that it's all rubbish? I have no idea. Answers on a postcard, please.

Need a bomb behind me

That's what my Grandma always used to say whenever I wasn't moving fast enough or working hard enough. 'You need a bomb behind you' was generally heard directly after a school report had been received or when I was (she considered) dawdling.

Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?

I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.

Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.

I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.

Could try harder C+

Well that's how I feel about it, could try harder. Life has been a bit better lately and as always that's when I start to beat myself up, that I could do better if I tried harder. When I begin to do something I want to do it now, want it to work now, not have to do it gradually. Heaven forbid I have to learn to do it, that's when the real impatience sets in. I am a nightmare to train in anything, expecting it to go right the first time I attempt it. It's another thing that I can recognise in myself now, and gradually try to be more patient both with the task and with myself.

For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.

There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.

I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.

It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.

Better day, memory problems and hand stamped jewellery

A better day today. Pouring with rain, summer must be over, but I'm feeling a lot better. No idea why really.

Went out with tch, took his suit in to the cleaners and dropped loads (I mean loads!) of old inkjet cartridges and old batteries into the recycling. It felt good to get these two chores done, they'd been hanging around for ages. I sat in the car while tch did a food shop. Usually I would be beating myself up about this, about not going in to do the shopping with him. Today it was fine though, I know I've done several things and so it didn't matter if I didn't get this one done as well.

Tried to do a little on-line shopping for tch's birthday next week. Now I've confused myself and I'm not sure whether I've bought this particular item or not. I've checked my emails and past purchase history and it looks like that's a no, but I thought I bought it. Oh for a brain and a memory that works! I cannot believe how bad my memory is now. I can completely forget something which I knew not 5 minutes ago! This is going to prove a great embarrassment when I eventually return to work. I feel like a real old person. I can remember details from a long time ago, like my Grandpa's car registration number, or their phone number (when there were only 5 digits) but ask me when I had for lunch today... nope, no idea.

Forgive me if I've posted about this previously (see above reason!!), but I've started making jewellery. It's hand stamped metal jewellery, necklaces and bracelets. This is the one I've made a few days ago:

 The wording says 'life is better at the beach'. The first photo shows how it hangs, and the second shows the items spread out, so you can see what there is. The hand stamped wording is on stainless steel with a silver starfish, a real shell and a little green gem to represent the sea. What do you think?

I really don't know if what I make is good enough to sell. I've put 2 items on ebay for sale; only one of them sold, and that person didn't leave any feedback at all. It's all a bit demoralising. I've practised and practised, I'm not that good at straight lines yet. I have been trying to make army dog tags for two of the grandsons. You would not believe the number of tags I have ruined and thrown away, it's an awful lot anyway. The thing with a dog tag, it has to be neatly in a straight line, and this is what I'm still practising. With the jewellery it's kind of  more of a crafty feel to have the letters a little wobbly, like the one above. Please tell me what you think of it? How much would you pay for something like this? Be honest, won't you.