Ho Ho Hum.

Well, it's very nearly Christmas, the 21st of December actually.

It can be a daunting time for any depressive. I've been feeling okay for the last few days, though I hit a low about a week ago. My mood lately can ping from depression to wide-awake-let's-do-something in just a few hours. I spent several days feeling very low and dreading the whole Christmas thing, unprepared, so much to do... the whole thing.

I slept a  huge amount. So tired lately, that has a big effect on my depression. Had blood tests done, showed thyroid problem and iron deficiency. Both very small deficits tho, so they don't really account for feeling I can't climb the stairs. I've asked for my vitamin D levels to be checked, that was the problem last time it was very low. With the Christmas break I can't have the blood test until 29th Dec. Nothing I can do about that, so just have to live with it. Even then it will take 2 weeks for the results to be available. I remember that from the last time. How I wish I'd spoken up and asked the doc to request this test with the others.

Anyway, I slept a whole lot, and am feeling quite a bit better these last couple of days. Between us, me and tch, we have all the family's presents sorted and today I've cleaned at home quite a bit.

It's just me and tch on Christmas Day. I am so so pleased about that. We were due to go down to my family but with my health and the dog seeming to be gradually incontinent, we're staying here. Dog peed over the sofa cushions once and the other day (when I went out for the blood tests), she did a poo on the dining room floor. When we go to my family she has to cope for 12 hours on her own. It's never been a problem before and only twice a year, but we both think the time has come to not leave her on her own if we can help it. She has cancer, amongst other things. We really never thought we would still have her last Christmas, and here we are another year on and she's doing really well.

On Boxing Day we have all of tch's family coming up here (hence the manic cleaning) He has four children and with all of the partners and grandchildren, we shall be 24. I don't know why I worry about this, tch does all the cooking, we are well prepared now, and everyone is really nice. It's just having so many people here at once. We can't all fit into one room, so we just put a buffet out and everyone finds a seat where they can. I worry about looking after everyone, and talking to everyone. Then I get sidetracked by someone asking for something and I'll get confused. The confusion and the forgetfulness is why I don't cook. If I cook it's like 'what's that smell?' then 'what are those flames?' Okay, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean.

I had hoped for a day or so in between Christmas Day and the family coming, but I'm determined not to let the worry spoil Christmas Day.

I'm not one for socialising at all. There's a reason I get a vitamin D deficiency, I don't go out at all unless I have to. So I don't get any sun. Tomorrow though, I have to go out. Do you see, I always say 'I have to'? It's a very small social thing for Christmas, only about 6 of us, a few nibbles. It's very nice to see people, but I wish I could just be a fly on the wall. That way I could see them, and know they're okay, but not have to join in. I just want to stay here at home. Once I've been out for a short while this little voice starts up in my head, 'I want to go home' 'I want to go home', over and over and over again. Tomorrow I'm getting a lift there, so no leaving early for me. It's my mental health worker picking me up, so she will understand if I'm a bit jittery.

Are you depressive too? How are you coping with the whole Christmas/family thing? Do you have any coping strategies that you'd like to share?

Happy Happy Christmas xxx