It's a rollercoaster, baby.

That's what life is a little bit like for me at the moment, a rollercoaster. I'd like to say it's a long and exciting ride, but no. Life is this way because of depression. One day is good and I get a lot of housey-type stuff done, the next day is terrible and I don't feel strong enough to hardly walk upstairs, let alone accomplish anything.

Last week I spent a couple of days in bed, needing to completely switch off. I've been having suicidal thoughts too. It's like a plan, lying there in the back of my mind, constantly poking at me. I make plans in my head of how to sort out my business affairs. Few people would miss me. No, really, that's not me being dramatic, I have very little family and tch's family would only really notice the effect upon him. That's been the main reason for not carrying this any further. Tch would be very sad, I know he would, and I can't do that to him.

Anywhere I go, I don't want to be there. No, I tell a lie, we took the dog to the beach the week before last. The weather was so awful there were hardly any other people there. It was lovely. Just me, tch and the dog.

My mental health worker came today. She's very good. She has set up a group of us to meet weekly. I've not been to very many of the meetings though, I stayed at home (as per usual). Some company has offered to do t-shirts for us, free of charge, and I've been putting some ideas together. That stirred me a bit, got my interest.

I would so like to not have to go out at all, well, just for two weeks say. To know that for two weeks I didn't have to go anywhere and could stay here. I hope my anxiety levels would decrease then.

My mental health worker knew I had a suicide plan a while ago. She tried to get me to change things, to get rid of the plan, but I didn't. If I do that, then I won't have a way out. I may not act upon it now, but if something ever happens to tch, if he dies first, then I think I'd need it because then there would be nothing.

Depressing post. Can't even be bothered to read it back through. Hope things are better by next time.