Fairly good day today really. Started off awful, didn't want to go out. I knew I would feel like that because I've had such a bad few days recently. Made myself go, it was to a women's group. I still don't totally understand what it's all about, we just chatted this morning, but it was good and it made me very glad that I'd made myself go along. I have a mental health worker who picks me up and takes me there.

While I was there, the subject of a place I used to work came up in the conversation. I am such a different person now, the depression has changed me so much. I said it though, I said that before I was poorly I used to be Deputy General Manager there. Wore the funny outfit and everything (the posh suit). To see me now you would never think that I used to hold a position like that, and I don't usually mention it. I'm a bit proud of myself that I was able to say it today.

Depression has changed me, it has shredded my emotions and given me a level of anxiety that gives me the shakes quite often. It has also changed my outlook on life as well though, and I mean this in a very good way. I used to do a very demanding job, usually 9 - 16 hours a day, depending what was happening. I was only paid for a seven and a half hour day, being salaried and simply paid to do "the job" regardless of how many hours this might take. It was like being on a roundabout and unable to get off. I can't believe I did it when I look back now. My outlook now is to work with as little stress as possible. I thought I had accomplished this with my first attempt at a return to work, but that turned out to have a lot of stress too. Everywhere you turn employers are looking for you to pack as much work as you possibly can into the hours you work. Don't misunderstand me, I can work hard. My 16 hour days account for that. They were to start at 06:20 and finish at 01:00. Hmm, that's more than 16... I never said my maths was any good, did I?!

This time, when I am well enough to look for a job, I'm going to find something in a little shop. Something local. Somewhere where I can look after stuff, and talk to customers a little. And if anyone so much as asks me to do the banking, I'm gonna plead dyslexia or something! It won't bring in much money, but it will be more than I'm bringing in at the moment. The days of trying to stay awake once I was home after work are gone. Quality of life is far more important.