Today is awful. I can't think straight, it's been like this for three days now. Thankfully I haven't had to go out and the phone hasn't rung. The last two days I've slept a lot, trying to shut out the world. I've raised my head above the parapet a couple of times to go onto facebook and click 'like' to a few things, so folks won't notice I've disappeared for a bit. Today I've had a shower (vast improvement) and I've put on some laundry, and I'm here talking to you!

Why can't I just be real and tell everyone what's happening with me? There are a couple of reasons really:

a) I don't want anyone to worry about me. This is not an entirely selfless reason. Yes, I don't want them to worry, but if they worry about me they will ask more questions, they will forever look at me sideways to see if it's happening again. I just don't want to go through the whole 'talk to me, tell me all about it' routine, it's too exhausting. Better to hide here and say nothing.

b) I may have to discuss whether some other form of treatment would be good for me, or a change in my meds. I don't want to go to counselling again. One lady told me to give my emotions a colour and a shape and then to mentally throw them off a cliff. That's not for me, thank you very much. The other one, told me I had never grieved for my mother. He seemed to think this was the root of my problems. As for my meds, it has taken a long time to find this combination that works for me, most of the time. I have two people who frequently ask why don't I come off all medications, to see  how I really am (really?) and then start again. Words fail me on that one. I am taking a lot of meds, currently 2 anti-depressants and a mood stabiliser. I don't know why my mood still dips sometimes, but I dread to think what would happen if I came off them all. It's such a stupid thing to say. I mean, you wouldn't suggest it to a heart patient, or a cancer patient!

No, it's far less complicated to say nothing.