What's that smell?

Oh yeah, it's fresh air! I went outside today, really outside!

My mental health worker picks me up on a Thursday and takes me to a women's group. I think it's meant to be a support group. This morning I was expecting someone to talk to us about relaxation and mindfulness, but the lady who came gave us info about what was available to us in the area. I learnt a bit, I guess, but as I want to stay at home, I don't think I'll be doing it at the mo.

I'm not very comfortable with talking to other people. It's just too stressful. I become anxious about whether they like me or whether I should have kept my mouth shut. Also, half the time I can't hear what they've said to me. You can only say 'pardon' so many times before it gets embarrassing. Bit dangerous to smile and say yes, I don't know what I might be letting myself in for!

It's much better to stay home, just me and you.

As you can probably tell, I'm not the best today. I've had a sleep this afternoon but still feel groggy and have a headache. I didn't want to go out today, I started feeling that I wanted to go home after half an hour, but had to stay because I needed a lift back home. I could have left and caught a bus, but if I was gone early when the mental health worker returned for me she would ring me later and talk to me about whether I was okay. So it seemed easier to stay.

I spend an awful lot of time going along with things because it's easier and prevents people asking if I'm allright. Sometimes it's going to visit, sometimes it's just saying 'I'm fine thanks' but it's not very often that I can just be me. Most of the time I can be me at home, but once I've said that I don't feel good I'm encouraged to talk about it. I get fed up of talking about it. I don't really want to talk about it. It's not as if it's going to change anything, I'm not suddenly going to have a revelation of how to get better. So, at home I will say I don't feel good but decline to talk about it.

Hugs are good. Hugs are wonderful, but only from a select few people. I am not someone to go hugging everyone, or to want a hug from anyone either. I don't want my personal space invaded. Some hugs are false too. You know, the ones where they air-kiss. No. I read this thing on the internet that a hug lasting more than 20 seconds is very beneficial. You'll be lucky to get me to hug for that long!

Do you go along with things for a quiet life?