Yeth, and I'm only thixteen...

Sorry about the title, it's only going to mean anything if you are over 45 and used to watch a certain vet's comedy (in the UK). Well why the title? I have increasingly felt that having a mental health condition equates with having all of one's brain cells euthanised, or at the very least, dopificated. Okay, I made that last bit up. It's true though, I have been spoken down to in a condescending fashion so many tims.

Yes, when I am very low I can get confused. When I'm depressed I'm almost always tired as well, this adds to my confusion. Also, my memory is dreadful and I forget the simplest of things directly after being told. But, I have not been rendered stupid! I recall having to attend an interview to justify my ill health and my need for sickness benefit. During the interview I passed some comment, I can't remember exactly what I said, and the interviewer did a cartoon-like double-take. It was as if she'd caught me out for still having a brain. This from a presumably qualified person. Words fail me. Actually words did indeed fail me on this occasion, I kept my mouth shut as much as possible for the remainder of the interview.

When I first started taking lithium I had the first prescription from the psychiatrist, so it was a month after it was prescribed that I requested a repeat script from my gp surgery. They told me over the phone that they had no knowledge of this and had not received any correspondence from the psych about it. On ringing the psych's secretary, yes they had written to the gp so they should know all about it.

This type of thing has happened on several occasions over the last few years. If I didn't have the wherewithall to sort it out, what the hell would have happened to me? That morning of the lithium thing, I stressed and cried and thought about giving up, not taking it at all being as no-one would give it to me. I knew I shouldn't stop taking it, that it was a drug to come off slowly, gradually reducing the amount. In the end I wrote down who to phone and what to say. I thought if I can't do it then I'll ask tch to do it for me. Eventually the letter was faxed to the surgery and they raised a script for me. Even that sounds simple but it wasn't. It was numerous phone calls, get down to the surgery, wait for the script, go to the pharmacy, wait for the drugs, get back home... collapse.

I really cannot stress this enough. If I did not have the power of mind and speech to sort these things out, where would I be?? I know a lady with a worse mental health disorder, she would in no way be able to deal with a situation like this. What would become of her? I am so very lucky to have my husband's help if I need it, this lady has no partner. In this particular event there was very little help offered by the healthcare professionals. Whist I understand that my problem was not expected and their workload already full, I'm still here and still had the problem.

Everywhere we go these days those who are working are stretched to capacity. Back when I was last in a job we were assessed every day. We had to complete a form daily, being allowed a set amount of time for each task. That's something lik 3.48 minutes for this and 12.55 minutes for that. Crazy. All of my daily minutes against my working hours for that day gave the result showing how much % of the day I had been working. If I didn't achieve at least 98% over a month I would be given a warning, another month and my pay would be docked. I'm quite sure my employers weren't the only ones adopting this practice. Is it any wonder then that there is no time for unexpected problems to show up? Then when those more vulnerable need help with something, often the person on the end of the phone just wants them gone, they haven't got time for this! Some of the time I am one of the more vulnerable, but thankfully when my depression is not so bad, I can deal with things. It's those others though, who's looking after them?

Have you had an experience like this? Tell me about it, please.

Need a bomb behind me

That's what my Grandma always used to say whenever I wasn't moving fast enough or working hard enough. 'You need a bomb behind you' was generally heard directly after a school report had been received or when I was (she considered) dawdling.

Well Grandma, I need one of those now too. It's been very difficult to motivate myself into doing anything. The housework drifts on by; take my glasses off and it's all good. The thing that I really need the motivation for is jewellery making. Need to make some and get it up for sale. Start an Etsy shop. Always though, I'll just have a little sleep... and it doesn't happen. I'll readily admit that once I start this then I have to become more organised with postage and packaging materials etc. where really all I want to do is disappear beneath the duvet and make it all go away. I don't want to join the real world, I don't want to play. It's all too much, I get so tired and lack both motivation and concentration. Once I start, I'll drown. Sometimes I can't string a sentence together, so how am I to do this?

I know what tch would say, one bite at a time. Yes, I get that, but once I start, I'll drown. It's still the same. Then my thoughts take a downhill spiral and it goes all 'I can't do this' or 'I can't do anything'.

Okay, find the positive. I have 3 necklaces up for sale at the moment. Straight away I'm negative: they've been up for almost 14 days and none have sold yet. What's the point? I know what the point is, I'm not stupid, but still the thought sits there. Slap bang in the middle of everything. What's the point? It's all pointless. Knowing what the point is - creating something, selling it, enjoying it, making money - does not move the negative statement from centre stage for me.

I tried CBT a couple of times, well, twice. I did a course in it. Yeah, I understand it, understand the way it works. The big stumbling block for me is, I can learn to think differently, but the different thoughts only come in alongside the negative ones. Example: the example they usually start with is the one where you have seen a friend on the other side of the street, waved at them but had no response. The CBT way of thinking is that maybe they didn't see me, were preoccupied, several reasons instead of the big one - they were ignoring me, didn't want to see me. Now I can consider all of the positives in this situation, but it doesn't stop that negative thought being there in amongst all the others, muscling it's way to the front and taking a bow.

Turmoil, just turmoil

Turmoil, that's where I am. Turmoil.

Didn't want to go out this morning, no change there then. I'm not sure whether I'm glad I went, or not. All the way there I was feeling really disconnected, as though everything was happening a distance away, and to somebody else. We were very late arriving at the craft club with a half an hour left before it finished. I understand about my mental health lady having a meeting first, but it always overruns and then we are always late getting there. It worked out okay for me, I didn't want to be there anyway. I chatted a bit, and a lady showed me a little about book folding. That was really interesting but I don't have the patience for the crafts that I do at the moment without taking anything else up as well.

The turmoil? Well, I've been waiting on an email about accommodation next August and where we need to be is totally booked solid. I'd got to the stage of investigating outlying villages and the park and ride service. However, and here's the part I'm excited about, I have found an apartment, right where we need to be and it's absolutely wonderful. It's knowing we'd have this to go back to at any time is giving me the confidence to go in the first place. I wouldn't have to face a restaurant for breakfast, and it's only down the road to where my family are staying. They replied this afternoon, yes it's available, but it's expensive. He said they usually charge double the price at that time (at least he's honest about it) but will do us a special rate as we're staying 5 nights. My family are paying a big chunk of it as a Christmas present to us both, but it still leaves us paying a big price, plus spending money for 5 days. Am waiting for tch to come home and see what he thinks. I appreciate it's not that much money really, but we rarely go away and money is tight. August is in the school summer holidays and he doesn't get paid for six weeks. Bad timing.

Also, it will be lovely to see my family, well most of them. There is one person who will be there and I really want to avoid her and her husband. I'll not be able to though, and she will badger me to go and stay with her, especially now that I'll have come away for 5 days. I just have to think of a reason why I won't do it, and stick to it. I'm not going to allow her to spoil my holiday. This will be the first time I've been away from home for more than two nights, since 2002. I'm not going to allow anything to spoil it.

All of that is a year away. I need to concentrate on the present and make sure I go out more. I've made an appointment to have my hair cut soon, so I must go out on my own then. I'm going out tomorrow with tch, to the registry office in town. I need a copy of my Aunty and Uncle's marriage certificate. Apparently they can have a telegram from the Queen on their diamond wedding anniversary, and she'll love all that.

Who's a hectic bunn then! To me it feels like it's very busy. To most people they could do all that in the course of a day, but for me it's a lot.

Cross your fingers for me about the accommodation!

Could try harder C+

Well that's how I feel about it, could try harder. Life has been a bit better lately and as always that's when I start to beat myself up, that I could do better if I tried harder. When I begin to do something I want to do it now, want it to work now, not have to do it gradually. Heaven forbid I have to learn to do it, that's when the real impatience sets in. I am a nightmare to train in anything, expecting it to go right the first time I attempt it. It's another thing that I can recognise in myself now, and gradually try to be more patient both with the task and with myself.

For the first time in several weeks I went to the craft club on Weds. They are very friendly. I took with me the rag rug stuff, which I've not touched since last year. I need to take something that does not require much thought because I can't hold a conversation at the same time. They said lovely things about it, and about the necklace I'd brought for one of the ladies. The lady who runs the club took photos and later they were on the website. I am very touched by all of this, but still cannot stop myself from thinking they're not that good and the ladies were only being polite. I know, I know, she wouldn't have put the photos on if she didn't think them worthy. It's hard to change a way of thinking when I've always thought this way. I can always find something wrong with the things I make, an imperfection someone else may not spot. Then it's not acceptable, not perfect.

There it is, 'it's not perfect'. Why does everything have to be perfect? Where does this method of thinking come from? I think it might be my Grandma, she used to say 'what will people think?' frequently. It feels like the most important thing was to look right (define right!) and to do the right things. The right things when I was a little girl was to always have my white knee socks pulled up (elastic was provided) and to always wear a dress on Sundays.

I carried this belief with me into adulthood, always ironing my clothes perfectly so there was not a crease to be seen. My hair had to be perfect and if someone opened a window while the car was moving, noooo! Again, everything had to be perfect.

It's only in recent years that I've stopped that. I can see where the belief came from, and it wasn't right. Now I am more relaxed and I do my best not to worry about what others may think. It still gets me sometimes, but nowhere near as much.

Groundhog Days again.

Life has improved slightly. I've been up since 10ish, and only been back to bed the once, although that was for about 2 hours. Everything does not feel quite so pointless, so that's good. I'm unable to work up much enthusiasm for it though. Last night I had a plan for today, involving making two necklaces and listing them on ebay. None of this has happened. I'm not beating myself up about it though, just feel defeated and a failure.

In the evenings I am usually feeling a bit better. Well, I'm feeling at the best my current level of depression allows. Does that make sense? So, when I'm lying in bed, hoping to go off to sleep I often make plans for the following day. Nothing major, nothing that will move the earth, just something that I think I can accomplish. Then I wake the next morning and feel like shit all over again and like as not I'll accomplish nothing. It's like some sort of evil twisted Groundhog Day.

It's great to feel a little better in the evening and sit with tch, watch tv a bit and have a conversation without looking at the clock all of the time and wondering how soon I can go to bed. But, it makes things even worse when I wake up the next morning and lack the strength to move about. Just want to pull the duvet over my head and disappear. Switch off.

Right now it is almost 8pm, and although I feel okay, I am aware that I actively hid from my neighbour earlier. Yes, they've returned from their holiday and there's been a lot of hanging out of the washing and checking on the garden going on. I had to go outside and bring in our washing, tch is out so it had to be me. I was poised to flee at the first sign of another person. Not good. In the recent past I've been able to hold a conversation with them, so it's another step backwards to behave in this way. I have been building it up in my head about them coming back though, so I guess that hasn't helped.

I'm expecting tch home any time now. Because he's out quite a lot later than usual he's buying fish and chips on the way home for us. He's so lovely to do this. I am such a failure that I don't cook. I forget stuff and make a right mess of it. I know I won't always be this way, but it feels like shit. When someone else talks of their home life it's always the woman who does most of the cooking and meal planning. I feel so useless, I am incapable.

Anxiety and mindfulness.

Life is not much better today. I've only been back to bed once, so that's a good thing I guess.

I'm so glad I've said I'm not going out tomorrow, I don't think I could cope. If I had gone it would have taken so much energy to put on the 'smiley face' I would have slept and slept when I came home.

Not got very much done today. My neighbours are still away, which is lovely. They are really nice people, but it's great to know that I can go out into the garden and no-one will try to strike up a conversation. The man waters his garden frequently and their outside tap is right next to the fence. When he comes to turn it on/off he has to come right up to the fence and only a couple of feet away from our french doors. He's very good and makes a point of looking elsewhere, but that makes it clear to me that he can see right into my living room if he chooses to. I wouldn't upset them for the world (too afraid of not being liked. I know.) but I wish we'd had a higher fence now.

There's anxiety right there. I'm worrying about going out tomorrow when I know I'm not going. Then I'm worrying about my neighbour and they're not even there. Mad.

Something I'm trying to do is this whole 'live in the now' thing. Live in the moment, without worrying about what is to come because it's not here yet. Don't dwell on the past, because that's gone. Just live in the moment, and take time to look, see and feel what is happening. It's kind of a mindfulness thing. Speaking as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, this is not an easy thing to do.

Pick up a flower, a piece of wood or a glass object. Pretty much anything really. Spend a few minutes looking very closely at it, see the lines, waves, curves and the light reflected. All the time notice your own breathing and be calm. It works, honest.

You can take a step back, but don't fall off.

Yes. I've taken a step backwards alright. My depression has worsened over the last few days. It was 4pm today when I was having a shower and putting clothes on. I guess there's one positive in there, I've had a shower and I've dressed. That's two positives, way to go me!

Life feels pretty shit at the moment. I want to be left alone, but tch is so lovely in looking after me that I can't tell him this. He's back in work today (Mon).

I've had a phone message from my mental health worker asking whether I'm going to the craft club on Weds. I really don't want to go. I tell myself that if I stay home I could take the dog out for a short walk, or do some work in the garden. Like either of those things is going to happen. In reality I'll stay in the house and probably sleep most of the time. I can see that it would be a very good thing therefore for me to go out on Weds morning. I don't like it very much though, I hardly know the people there. I know, I know, I won't get to know them either unless I show up a few times. It's like I can't hold a conversation at the moment. I can't think straight, and I get my words muddled. I put things in weird places too. You would almost have to play Hunt the Kettle in our kitchen. It's not that bad, but I keep putting the sugar in the teapot instead of in the mug, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel distanced from everything, as though it's all happening to someone else and I'm outside looking in. So. Result so far, is no result at all. I haven't phoned her back. I could text and say I'm not going, she wouldn't mind, but it would be so much better for me if I could go along. I'm thinking I'll leave it until this evening and text her that I'm not going. I think. Then I'll go and have a guilt sandwich.

More gloom. I've found another small lump on the dog. It's in her haunch, that's the best way to describe it. It's not sitting under the skin as a raised lump. I don't think this is good, I think the raised lump has more chance of being benign. Who am I kidding. I don't think any lump is going to be benign, poor lass. The other two lumps that I've found over the last few weeks don't seem to be growing fast. That's by no means all though. Now she's developed a skin disorder. She scratches, licks and nibbles so much that she has bald patches coming. It's not an infestation, I only wish it was, then it would be treatable so simply. The vet's given me anti-histamines and said if they don't work after four days then they're not going to. That was five days ago. She's scratching etc. a little bit less, or maybe that's my wishful thinking. The vet explained that if it didn't work, there are tablets she could take, but they are known to increase the growth rate of abnormal cells. In other words, she already has a cancer and these tablets would bring it on faster. So what do we do? Not give her the tablets will leave her scratching and her skin getting worse. It's already red and inflamed now. Giving her the tablets will stop the itching and make her comfortable, but the cancer will take her quicker. I'm thinking the answer is there in the word comfortable. It's a very hard choice to make though, we'd be effectively condemning her to a faster death. I've looked it up on the internet and there may be another option, the vet hasn't mentioned this though. It's a steroid injection. Sally would not be able to have them repeatedly, but I think I'll ask the vet about it and how long the effects would last. If she was allowed to have two in a row, and each one lasted a couple of months, then that would be fantastic. We don't expect her to live all that long, not with tumours popping up like she's a gremlin. Was it gremlins or was it furbies? Oh, you know what I mean. You couldn't feed 'em after midnight.