Nice day Nanna!

Good day today, even though I went back to bed this morning. It was only because I was so tired, and not thru depression.

It's made a huge difference having tch at home. He's home through the school holidays, until early September. Today I've not accomplished much, unlike the past few days when I've done all sorts of housework stuff. Even so, the day has been good.

The kitten is making me smile a lot. She is wearing a lampshade collar because she's had the op to be spayed. Now every time she shakes herself she falls over. This is not funny. It would be cruel to laugh at her... She's very sweet though, and keeps coming for cuddles (not like her usually) I think she's upset by the vet visits and isn't used to the collar yet.

Had a visit from small grandson N yesterday. We looked after him for a couple of hours. He's just turned six, and lovely to be with. He does not stop talking. At all. I don't mind though, it's so good to see him. He helped Grandad out in the garden for a while and then came in to me for a bit. He is one of the grandchildren that calls me Nanna, and I love it so. To most of them I'm just J but a couple of them call me Nanna. I do so wish I could get more of them to do this, but if I have to ask, well, it defeats the object really, doesn't it.

and Sally aka Tripod is lumpy again :(

Strange day, I seem to have been chasing my tail all day but not got very far. I really feel as though I've not stopped today. I've tidied kitchen cupboards, and thrown out all the out of date stuff. Anyone fancy some oyster sauce, expiry date 2014? No? Aaah, go on! It's all looking a lot tidier now, so I'm pleased with that.

I furminated the dog, that's getting rid of loads of fluffy undercoat. Reason for that is I wanted to wash her, and her fur will clog the plughole if I don't do that first. Seriously bad news, while furminating her I found another lump. It's close to the root of her tail and I think this may be the reason she's been biting in that area. Seems maybe the vet was wrong and her glands weren't blocked, it was this lump irritating her. I'm surprised the vet didn't see it considering it's so close to her bum, and the vet was getting very up close and personal in that area! I've told tch about the lump. He says we'll take her on a few short days out, like the beach where she can lie down and rest a lot. I didn't ask him what he thought we should do after that. I don't think he knows, I certainly don't. What good will it do to have it tested? If it's all fine then that's great but I think it's fairly obvious this is another tumour. If that's the case, it won't change what we do. We have already decided it would not be fair to her to keep putting her through these operations to remove the tumours. I think the plan will be to ask the vet for advice towards palliative care for her. Trouble is, she groans and moans so much anyway, it's going to be hard to know when she's really in pain. The term 'drama queen' was invented for our Sal!

The kitten has survived her operation (spayed) and is still treating us both with a fair degree of caution. Tch more so than me, as he was the one who caught her and took her to the vet. Me good cop, heh heh. She's still a little jumpy as she's still getting used to the buster collar and bumping into everything. She doesn't run from us now, but tomorrow she has her post op checkup and it will be time for the cat carrier again. She may not speak to us for a week after that. She's one step nearer to going outside though - yippee!

Take a chill pill.

Today is a day of relaxation, mostly. It feels like the whole of last week was just too busy for me, so many things to deal with. It doesn't take much to tire me out, one thing to do in a day and that's often enough for me. It won't always be this way, I know that, but right now it seems plain daft to get this tired over very little.

The funeral from Thursday is playing on my mind constantly, like a continuous loop of film. Sometimes I can forget it for a short while, then it comes back again. I keep saying I'll come back to that, but I still don't think I can go into it today. Besides, tch is due home at any time, and I need quiet to think about what I'm writing. He knows I still do this blog, but doesn't mention it as he knows it's a me thing.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We had a very lazy morning and then went to an ape sanctuary in the afternoon. Along with a take away in the evening - we sure know how to live! Tch said he'd happily take me out for a meal, but knew I would become anxious over the whole thing, so having a take away was far better. Anyway, you can't sit in the restaurant in your pyjamas! Well, okay, I wasn't actually in my pyjamas, but you get the gist of it. Poetic licence and all that.

The kitten goes to be spayed tomorrow. She's going to object when I withdraw her food tonight and then her water in the morning. Today I only put the dog's water and food bowls in the dishwasher and she absolutely shouted at me! They weren't even her bowls! She is still tiny, but man does she have a voice! This is the first step towards Operation Domestos. Once the kitten has healed, she will be allowed outside, and then... Then... I can bleach the bathroom carpet again. Both me and tch have given up trying to stop her and the elderly cat from peeing in one particular spot on the bathroom carpet. It stinks in there. Added to this, the toilet cistern is broken and I won't call a plumber until the smell on the carpet is sorted out. We're pouring bowls of water down it instead of flushing it. It's fine, for now. It's lovely having a little kitten, but I had forgotten how it can be if she pees inappropriately. Not long now though.

Right there is an example of how much better I am getting. I can see the positive side, that it's not long until I shall be able to get the bathroom sorted out. I used to only dwell on the negative side of any problem. With this particular problem I would have stressed endlessly over the smell and how to stop it. Also I would have felt such guilt over refusing to call a plumber out. I didn't need to refuse actually, tch just accepted it, and it was fine.

The hours I have spent agonising over so many things. In the long run, none of them mattered. At the time though, I would become so anxious, and probably almost drove tch crazy with my rantings. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband.

Our dopey-dog is doing well. Both of her scars have healed. She keeps licking her rear flanks though. This is not good news. Recently she's had a problem with her glands, I think we'll leave that there, you may be eating or something. The very small lump she has on her back leg is growing, slowly. I really, really don't know what to do with this. Yes, we can have it investigated, but if it's yet another tumour... that's where I come unstuck. We can't keep putting her through these operations, it's not fair to her. The thing is, it's all very well to make that decision before another tumour appears, and totally another thing when it actually happens. It's such a little lump this time. I think it best to wait for histology and go from there. There I go again, "and just go from there" sounds so easy, doesn't it.

Endings and well, more endings.

Well, we finished the last day of the diabetic course yesterday. In the beginning I really did not want to go to the course. I didn't want to go out, and I couldn't see the point of the course - what could they possibly fill six sessions with? Although I can't say I've overly enjoyed the course, it's made me go out for six days, and taught me about how I should be eating. Is that chocolate in your pocket? Sorry, am a little fixated. There are two huge things I have learnt, the first is not to look at the sugar content on the label, but instead look at the carb content. This is not good news at all. The labels all say 'total carbs = x amount' and then 'of which x amount is sugars'. In other words the amount of sugar is contained within the carbs and by that very fact is must be a smaller amount than the total carbs. Now (ye gods) I must look only at the total carbs amount, which is a much larger figure. I could be a stick insect by Christmas. The second thing is portion size, I mean, they are really having a laugh. Between us I estimate me and tch were eating for six.

We both learnt a lot else besides, but I'll not bore you with all the gubbins. I'll just say this, if you live in the UK and are diabetic, then ask someone about the Xpert Patient course for diabetes. Almost none of the information that I've learnt from the course was told to me when I was first diagnosed, it's a real eye opener. You will also find out there's loads of foods that you can eat, where previously you thought were banned.

More endings? This one is so sad. We went to the funeral of my ex-father-in-law in the morning. It was an early start - something that as a depressive I don't normally do. So I wasn't feeling at my best when we arrived at the hall for 9am. I very much needed to be feeling good, dressed well, and feeling confident but really it was too early for any of those emotions. The reason? My ex-husband, that's the reason. I hadn't set eyes on him for 18 years. When he left me I was devastated, utterly devastated, and later suicidal. I'll not go into all that today. My ex has two sisters and a brother, and the two sisters were really close to their Dad, so I knew how sad they were going to be. I didn't have much of an opportunity to talk to them, I wanted to say that their grief was testament to how much love they both had for their father. That, and I just wanted to scoop them up and hug them, I feel for them so. When the time is right I'd like to ensure we don't lose touch again.

Panty dog.

I'm worried about the dog again. This is she:

She has started panting rather a lot and it seems to be getting worse. Briefly, she had a tumour removed in March and they had to amputate her leg in order to remove it all. Then she had 2 tumours removed in July, one of which was a nasty one. The vet told us in March that if the cancer spread it would likely go to her chest first, so keep an eye on her breathing. I think we're at that stage now. 

On the upside, she knows nothing about it and is quite happy. She can't walk far at all without getting out of breath. It's hard to know how much of this is just old age, she's 13.

Also, she's licking her flanks a lot. This may be an anal problem so we'll probably be taking her back to see the vet about this, so we can also ask about the panting then.

I think that both me and tch are trying not to think about it, but we'll have to in order to make her more comfortable.

We went to the last but one session of the diabetic course today. Still very interesting, but I didn't want to be there today. I just kept thinking 'I want to go home' all the time. Still, I stayed and I took part, so I'm pleased about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a craft club for 2 and a half hours. Again, I'd rather stay at home, but I'm going. My mental health worker E takes me there and picks me up. I shall have to sort out something 'crafty' to take with me and work on. It always has to be something that requires absolutely no concentration, as I can't work on something and hold a conversation at the same time. My anxiety levels go through the roof then. I can't even listen properly. So it has to be something simple. Bit like me.

We are going to a funeral on Thursday, that's playing on my mind all of the time too.

Funerals, kittens and crafty jewellery.

Received some sad news yesterday, my father-in-law from my first marriage passed away. Such a lovely man who had a difficult life battling illness for many years. The news came in a text whilst me and tch were on the diabetic course. I took my phone out in the break to look at the diabetic app that someone had recommended and there was the text. I really wished I hadn't read it there and then, it was like a shock. I found it hard to concentrate during the second half of the course.

I know that both of his daughters will be devastated, and I really feel for them. R had lived with one of them during his last few years. At least she will know that she did everything possible to make him comfortable.

I'm going to attend the funeral and tch is coming with me. Here's the big but... my ex-husband is going to be there too. I really don't want to see him, and I really do want to see him. I must behave myself. What I really want it to say quietly to him 'now you know' because he had no idea at all what he was doing to me when he left me. Now he knows what grief is, and he has family around him support him. I'm very resentful towards him. When he left me I was suicidal. I had no-one to support me. My family are very few and are 170 miles away. Partly my fault for investing so much emotion in one person, I'll not go into that today, it would take too long.

So, I'm not sure I can trust myself to speak to him at the funeral, and to outright ignore him would be churlish. It's important to me to pay my respects to R and to show support for the two daughters S and J. I think my best plan is to go along, try to sit near the central aisle and kind of give them a nod, so they'll know I was there, and then leave at the end of the service. It's the standing around and chatting that I want to avoid. Plus, I'm not feeling so great today and that has a bearing on how I look  at things.

On a positive note, the kitten has had her pre-op check at the vets this morning in preparation for being spayed. She was very loud! You'd think we were killing her! Her loud meows sounded just like 'help'. All good, and she's booked in for the 16th. Hopefully 10 days after that the cat flaps can be unlocked, the elderly cat K can go outside to pee again. My bathroom still smells awful.

I've not used my craft room at all lately. Yesterday though I made a necklace:

The photo's not very good, a little blurry. It says 'life is better at the beach' and has a little green gem, representing the sea, a silver plated starfish and a real shell. When it is worn, they will fall like this:

I'm not sure I like in on brass, maybe it would look better on a silvery colour. I've got aluminium and also stainless steel, so I might try another one using one of those. I've put this one on ebay though, so wish me luck!

Duvet day and dopey dog.

Today has been a quiet and fairly restful day. We had plans to go to a garden, but the weather has closed in today and it's rained lightly most of the day. I haven't got out of my pyjamas all day.

I slept a lot in the morning, not coming down for breakfast until after midday. That's still a huge improvement on how I used to stay in bed all of the time. Tch watched tv, I put some bread on and filled the dishwasher and now tch is making dinner. That's the sum of our day. I feel a little guilty that I've not done more with the day, not been out for a walk. We walked for at least the last three days, so that's really good.

When I walk it's only for about 20 mins, because the dog can't walk far. Really I should leave her at home sometimes and do a proper walk. I read somewhere that in order to lose any weight be walking you must walk briskly, to get the heart pumping. Our lovely dopey-dog doesn't do briskly. She only does meandering and stop-a-minute-I-must smell this. She's moaning a lot today, I don't take this a good sign. We're thinking about feeding her some extra water with a syringe, she doesn't drink enough, and as a result... well... her glands need to be expressed. If you are a dog person then you'll know what this means. If not, trust me you don't want to know. So. Waterboarding the dog it is then! She was very good with a water syringe after her op, so this should solve the problem. I really don't want to think about the alternative.

Yesterday I went with tch when he drove to pick up eldest stepdaughter N from a kind of retreat where she had been to a silent retreat. I thought we'd just be driving up, parking in a car park and collecting her. As we arrived, very posh gates, ring for entry and they slowly glide open, there was this lady carrying a dog, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, confused. When we got out she said hello and hugged me. I'm totally thrown off balance now. These people are complete strangers to me but they are hugging me and inviting me inside. We were offered cake, a hot/cold drink, very friendly and welcoming. To be honest, although they were lovely genuine people, I was uncomfortable because I don't like to socialise. I'm more relaxed at home either on my own or with tch. I'm sure that when I'm well I'll be able to socialise and to be with others comfortably, but not as I am at the moment. Tch has asked if I would like to go on the next one that they do, I think it's in August. It's only half a day and it's silent for 90% of the time. I still don't think I want to do it. N said it was fantastic, very relaxing and concentrated on your inner self (my words, not hers). The two ladies that organise it are going to email tch, so I'll need to think about before then.

Also yesterday we went to N's house after collecting her. It was her birthday and it was lovely to see her family. We don't see very much of the kids, but a large part of that is my not wanting to go out. I should be up there more to help. N has a debilitating health condition, her carer is her eldest son, but he has fractured a bone in his foot and will be finding it hard to care for her. Thankfully her partner D will be around too, but I still feel very guilty for not helping more.