What just happened?!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day and I spent all of it with tch. For me it was tinged with a sadness though, was this the last birthday to be spent with him? A lot had happened since my last post and my lovely husband's health has bowled downhill faster than I ever would have thought possible.

He retired in the Spring of 2019 (I think that's correct) he was feeling unwell then but put it down to a general weariness. That Autumn he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and started radiotherapy in the Feb of 2020. Then in early Summer he had a heart attack, for which he had a stent inserted and was started on everlasting heart meds. We thought all of this was awful and worried about what the effect of the radiotherapy was going to be. You have to wait six months to give the prostate time to calm down after the radiotherapy before having a blood test to find out how much the cancer has reduced in size. 

So all of this was a big shock to both of us. We worried about it, while pretending to each other that everything was fine, that we were coping with it and were confident everything would turn out fine.

Then the bottom fell out of our world. In the Winter of 2020 tch was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Life kind of went to shit really. He had a 35mm tumour in his stomach and would be having his stomach removed. I didn't even know such a thing was even possible! By then we were well into the Covid pandemic and were isolating because his health was so poor and his immune system compromised. 

In the July of 2021 tch had his entire stomach removed, was in hospital 21 days and came home with a pump that was feeding him via a tube into his small bowl. Being 'on the feed ' was awful for him. It made him feel so ill, he couldn't sleep, and just generally felt awful. The weight was just dropping off him. If any family came to see him I know he was wearing baggy clothes so the weight loss wouldn't show so much but when he was dressing first thing in the morning he just looked skin and bone. The bones are so angular and it makes me so sad to see him like this.

Jump forward into the present. Now he can eat more foods, in smaller amounts. He must have five meals spread through the day, so he eats roughly every two hours. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, small meals because there is no stomach and the bowel must digest his food. He has to take meds for this to happen otherwise the food wouldn't be digested. He still weighs little more than a sparrow on a diet (slight exaggeration) but was starting to gain a little weight until some recent bouts of violent vomiting stopped that. So far he's had this three times, each time it lasts about two days. I have never seen anyone vomit so much before! No sooner would he get back in bed than he was rushing to the bathroom again. He pulled muscles in his stomach.  Both of us still refer to it as his stomach, though there isn't one 😳 Hopefully this has stopped now, tch hasn't had the vomiting for a couple of weeks, so we hope that's over.

So. We are coming to terms with the new feeding pattern. Tch is not leaving the house very often yet so we don't know how that will work when we go out somewhere. It's quite complicated having to eat every two hours, and have the drugs with you for digestion. So far I think he has been out to see family once and he came with me to Tesco twice. He gets amazingly tired. Just doing something, anything, will utterly wipe him out. He never ever was someone who went back to bed in th daytime if he felt poorly, but these days he has to go back to bed about 4 or sometimes 5 times a week.

It's 4am now and I'm exhausted. I'll come back and tell you some more soon.

Take good care of yourselves xxx

Memories disturbed. Disturbed memories.

There  was a little something on the tv the other night. It involved kids on their last day at school. There was a lot of signing of shirt, selfies and general hugs and a few screams.

Did you have something like this? I must have left on a different day to everyone else, there was nothing like that at all and I walked across the front of the school and down the drive alone.

It's often something small that triggers a memory. Children in a playground, playing on the swings. Nope. Going clothes shopping with friends. Nope.

Going into my 20s was the same. Out on the town with friends/mates. Nope. Friends coming over. Nope.

Why was this? I had no friends. I was afraid to make friend. Painfully shy and reclusive. In my job I could talk to people. I think wearing a sort of a uniform (I  wore a suit) it was easier to interact with people, I was allowed to do this, it was my job. Does that make any sort of sense?

It has taken me years to reach an understanding of all this. I think I know why I turned out this way, but it has only served to push me towards depression. Nowadays I don't want friends, I want to be alone  (said with accent). I've wasted more then ten years just wanting to stay at home and not talk to other people. Ten years! All my life I've tried to be away from people. I was suicidal when my first husband left me and even now I have a backup plan for if I'm widowed. I have no-one to care for me in old age if my husband passes away before me. There are some who would say they would care, but I don't believe them, I'm not really their family. They accept me now as married to tch but would not be interested in putting themselves out for me afterwards. How do I know this? At gatherings of tch's family no-one ever takes a photo of me. They take photos of everyone else, I've got numerous pics of tch opening christmas presents over the years but only one of me. Daft little reason, but it's the small things that tell the most. The larger gestures are expected, but the little ones speak volumes.

The happiest things in my life at the mo are the puppies. They are almost a year old now. Still not house trained, very messy on occasion, but we're getting there. If it's raining they just look at me as if to say, "You want me to go out there?!" and then do it in the house. Trouble is, they're bigger and stronger now as well. They can reach just about anything anywhere. Only safe place is the mantlepiece. The little one can jump onto the dining table, she's wrecked tch's briefcase, and post we leave on there, and they both love a coaster or a sofa cushion. Cute when they're asleep though. Dread to think what they're dreaming about though.

When I have upsetting memories I try to see that they can't be changed, they are in the past. Nothing can change this. Learn from them and then try to move on. Look for the positives, not the negatives. I stay here at home all day with only my pupps for company - but they are lovely and will encourage me to go out for a walk when I feel ready for it. Look for something positive, however small. I'ts always there.

This one's boring.

Once again I've had a really bad few weeks.
As usual, I'm not sure why. I can often identify the starting point, but not this time.

Depression is a shit. It can sneak up and wrap itself around me so easily, making it hard to even move about.

I don't know how this episode started, where it came from. I've spent days, sometimes weeks feeling so weak and tired that I'm unable to walk upstairs hardly. I say hardly because there's really no option, I have to get upstairs. Could I pee in a bucket? No. Well, I've never tried. So unless I can move the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, there's no choice.

I can't cope with much when I'm depressed. Generally I just want to sleep. To go to bed, pull the duvet over me and try my best to switch off from the world. I read once that the first sign of suicide is to want to go away somewhere and be alone, to get away from everything and everyone. I wonder if wanting to go to sleep and switch off is the same thing? Dunno but they're pretty similar.

Unfortunately (?) I can't switch off from the world because of the puppies. I've talked about them before. I must deal with them and their many poos and pees, usually in the house. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes, when I'm really low and wanting my bed.

I used to have a life. Not sure where it went, I used to have friends and a job. We used to enjoy the weekends. Now I don't want to leave the house and often just want my bed.

What a boring post this is. But this is what life with a depressive is, most of the time. On the times I have to go out I can be sparkly and appear happy and join in with a conversation. This is absolutely exhausting. I can't tell you what it takes out of me to do this. When I get back home I could sleep for a week. No-one knows this, no-one sees it. So many depressives are like this. Think about Robin Williams, a perfect example.

I'm going now. I need to go to sleep. xxx

Christmas, Christmas and Christmas again

Christmas, Christmas and Christmas again. Sounds fun when I say we had Christmas on 25th, 26th and 28th of December this year.

25th, home, just the two of us.
26th, down to see my family, bout 150 miles away.
28th, all tch's family came to us, 17 of us this year.

Now I simple can't tell you how tired I am. As a depressive I don't do much and don't leave the house much either. I'm still coping with the whole puppy poo thing. Don't misunderstand me, it was lovely to see everyone. There's just so much to do. It looks so easy, we put the food out buffet style and everyone helps themselves. I've hurt my back, that probably accounts for me finding it all so hard.

Lovely Christmas tho. Totally different in both places. At my family's everything is done properly. Small children have become used to this and know they are expected to be fairly quiet and very well behaved. You will use a serviette, know your place and wait obligingly while someone else gives your presents out. In our house, everyone sits wherever they want to. In fact there's not enough seats when they all pile into one room, so it's every man for himself then. We do a game every year where each person opens a drawer of our coffee table to find a little gift inside. Our living room is not big enough for 17 people and definitely not big enough for the 21 that we usually are. It's very squashed up, but great fun. This year the gift was egg cups, seemed to go down alright.  Once they've all taken food from the buffet, find a seat wherever you can. For some reason everyone stayed in the kitchen/diner. Bit cramped but I liked it, I had a chance to speak to everyone.

Now that it's all over, I am so, so glad to be able to relax. Tch has gone out for about 2 hours and I've had a bit of a tidy up. Puppies are still doing the 'run around outside but come back in to pee' thing. Bless. Arrrgh!

I think I've coped with Christmas, my family, tch's family, chatting, listening and responding very well this year. I'm calm and didn't allow anything to upset me.

Well, I've rambled on a lot in this posting. I'm sorry it's not been about much, and with no real point discussed. Maybe that's the way my head is at the moment. I shall make it more interesting, honest.

I wish you all a healthy and happy New Year. If we can achieve those things, then everything else will follow 😊

I still miss her when I'm ironing

That's the cat again, sorry. When I would put up the ironing board she would always squawk at me, wanting attention. Her bed was nearby. I still expect to hear her.

My post today is not about missing her, it's about the way she lived her life. It's a lesson for us all, I think.

From the first day I had her as a little kitten, Katie was afraid of everything and hissed and spit at anything that came close to her. She had rare moments when she would allow me to stroke her, and then only on the top of her head. Anywhere else and you can look out!

As the only pet in the house, besides a budgie, she had full run of the place and would sleep on the end of the bed, sometimes. As a young cat she would come when I called most of the time. We moved house and she coped with that, grudgingly. Still was fearful of everything and hissed at it all.

My point? I'm getting there, honest.

If you live your life fearful of everything around you, and if you 'hiss and spit' at anything that comes near you, then you will not have a life. Rather, life will pass you by. Your life will never be enriched by laughter and friends. You will never know the joy of companionship or the happiness that comes from doing something for others. If you live your life into old age, still fearful, still 'spitting', then you will have accomplished nothing and experienced only fear.

Big words. I acknowledge that I live more like Katie at the moment. I don't go out of the house very often, I don't answer the phone and I certainly don't socialise unless I have to. But I can see the errors in this, I can see that my life would be so much better if I could move in a different direction.

My lovely Katie didn't have much of a life, she was so frightened by it. Here's a good point - she was unable to tell if another cat/dog was trying to make friends with her, she saw only something to be afraid of, something that wanted to attack her. So she missed out on having a companion to live with, when her life could have been so much better had she been able to befriend the other cat/dog. Make friends, try to be more comfortable around others, they are not going to bite you. Probably.

Depression is a bitch. The medication, the anti-depressants, are the crutch to help you to get back into life. They are not the cure. They will lift your mood sufficiently to enable you to begin the business of getting back to your life. But do it one step at a time, baby steps, little steps.

Little steps was probably the best piece of advice ever given to me by a healthcare professional. I was becoming very anxious that I was expected to jump straight back into life and I knew that I couldn't cope. Little steps are manageable little chunks, whatever works for you really.

I'm really tired now, so I'll talk about this some more another time x

Well she had a good run...

She was my cat. Thought I'd better put that up there first, she wasn't a person.  My Katie died the day before yesterday, and I'm so sad about it. I really, really, really don't like it when anyone says 'well, she had a good run'. I've heard people say this when a person dies very old. It's like I'm not supposed to be sad because of it. If your Granny dies at 98, you shouldn't be sad because she's 'had a good run'?!  And another thing... 'he's had a good innings'... give me strength! If this is the only thing you have to say, then say nothing. Please.

Back to my Katie, she was about 3 weeks away from being 20yrs old. Careful now. Don't say it. When she was well she was a fairly big fluffy girl. Hold on, I shall try to find a photo for you.

There we are, a little pic of her sunbathing one summer and one of her looking really well and healthy. That's the way to remember her.

If you're not a pet, you won't understand this. I haven't had any children of my own (long story, let's not go there today) and my pets are part of my family. When my ex-husband left me, Katie was a big part of my life. I came home from work every day to a cold empty house and she would be there. Aside from the fact that I also had a budgie in a cage which Katie thought was her packed lunch.

I've had a tough couple of months. Can't put my finger on anything that's caused it, but depression is like that. Sudden slides into melancholy, with no reason or rhyme.

I guess there's one reason, maybe. Every day constantly cleaning up the pee and poo of 2 little puppies. They are gorgeous, loving, playful and I love 'em to bits, but So. Much. Poo. You would never believe how much mess they can create. We have puppy pads, big square sheets of quilted paper, for them to use. So it goes like this:

Me:     You like to pee just here, I'll put a pad down for you to use.
Pupps: Look! She's put this paper thing right where I like to pee. I'll have to find              somewhere else now!

This happens over and over again 😧

They are lovely though, and this stage won't last forever. It's hard to toilet train them to go out in the garden when this time of year is cold, wet and gets dark so early. They don't want to go there then, and I can't say I blame them. We'll get there though. As a depressive, it's hard to face this big clean up first thing every morning. Although tch will have cleaned up once before he went to work, he will also have fed them... which means more lovely poo. When I go down to them I'm trying to clean up the poo and the pee whilst they are throwing themselves at me in joy and probably jumping through the mess as they do it. Focus on the joy. Focus on the joy. I'm sitting in my bed writing to you and it's 9am. Soon I must venture forth into the land of funny smells, to do battle.

There's another thing, the puppy smell. I'm not talking about the lovely aromas that emanate from the back end. The smell of a puppy's neck is one of the most wonderful smells in the world. Aside from the mass clean-ups these two have been fantastic for my mental health. I will just be glad when I don't have to cope with the mess all day long.

I showed you a photo of a now-dead cat, so here's a more cheerful one of 'the girls'.

 This was a couple of weeks after we had them in September. Two and a half months later and they are a fair bit bigger. The shorter one's a staffordshire bull terrier and the taller one's an Italian greyhound. I love this photo though. I'll try to find a more up to date one to show you another day.

My thought to end this entry is something I said earlier: it won't last forever. So when you're having a shit day and maybe it feels like everything is going wrong, try to think 'it won't last forever'. It sometimes helps me.

LoadsaLove x

Why am I here?

I sometimes wonder why I'm still here. Not entirely in a suicidal way, just simply why? There are so many other things I could be doing, places I could be going. My mental health dictates that I remain here, at home, away from scary things like... fresh air and the like. I must stay in, not go out.

My apologies, this entry rambles a bit. Brain is fried.

I have cut myself off from social media sites, hard to specify why. I think I felt obliged to join in, much as one would at a party, and I cannot cope there. Amazingly I don't miss it, considering I was on facebook and messenger every day previously. Mostly to thc's family, no-one on my side uses it very much. I have this need to switch off from everything. To silence everything.

I have two little ones to care for at the mo. They're two little puppies, about 2 months old now, I think. One has health problems, I think she came from a puppy farm. One of those you hear about, that does  not treat them well. She was full of worms when she came to us and now she walks funny. The vet said she might have the canine form of spina bifida. She doesn't know though, and happily waddles about trying to keep up with the other one. Let me see if I can find you a photo of them...

There, this is my favourite photo of them. They're a bit bigger now as this was taken 2 weeks ago. Yes they are very cute, but you would not believe how much mess they can create. They poo and pee more than they eat/drink, I'm sure of it!

I have hurt my back (again) a couple of days ago. It has been very difficult to clean up after them properly. They are gorgeous... when they're asleep. Preferably on me as well. Do you know what a puppy pad is? It's a large square of quilted paper for them to pee on. We are nearing the end of our 3rd box of 100 pads. I think I'm nearing the end of my rope as well!  They do the occasional pee on a pad, but most of the time they treat them as markers for where not to go!

I had an annual review this week with my mental health worker and her boss. They were more interested in the puppies. See, I think it's a very bad sign for me to be cutting myself off and wanting nothing to do with anyone. Isn't it the first stage of having suicidal feelings? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm the only one worried about it. I have an annual review with the psych next month, deep joy.

There was a reunion held recently of folk that I used to work with 30 years ago. I couldn't make myself go. I was so disappointed. One lady had travelled down from Lancs. We used to be very close, but I didn't go.

Well I'm going to say bye now, tch will be home in a minute.

Stay safe peeps xxx