Not again...

Yes, again. I should have gone to the craft group this morning, but I sent a msg to my mental health worker that I wasn't going. Am a bit sad that I didn't go, but as I've had a crap few days I know the  best thing for me was to stay at home.

I spent most of yesterday in my bed. I had breakfast around 9am, went back to bed about 11am and got back up at 5pm. Still slept all thru the night. I know that I need this, because if I didn't need it I'd be awake in the night, unable to sleep having slept so much in the daytime. The ch was out at work, not home until 19:30ish.

I don't publicise the fact that my depression hits me like this. The only one who sees me as I truly am is the ch, and even he doesn't know much about the suicidal thoughts that I sometimes have.

Instead, I do what so many depressives do, I sparkle. I'm cheerful and a bit chatty and I really don't think anyone would know there was anything wrong.

Don't misunderstand me, my family and the ch's family know I have depression, all the adult ones anyway. Maybe the way I hide it is reinforcing the stigma against depression. I've done this 'sparkly' thing for so may years now that it's almost impossible to stop it. It's been very difficult attending a psychiatrist appointment and trying to talk to someone who is almost a stranger about how I really feel. Really goes against the grain and I find myself beginning to do the sparkly thing again.

Today has been a big improvement on yesterday. I did crawl back into my bed again this morning, but have since been up since midday and glory be, I've had a shower! Now there's a radical improvement!!

I type this with a small kitten crawling over me and over the keyboard, so my apologies for any stray letters which may get in unnoticed. She's very cute, and very inquisitive! Yes, I should stop her, but she's my favourite anti-depressant at the moment! I have a larger cat who is constantly pestered by this little kitten climbing all over her and play-fighting. The larger cat spends more time in the garden these days, as the kitten is not allowed outside yet. When I go back to bed, the larger cat comes and snuggles between my shoulder blades, and the kitten behind my knees. This is so lovely, I can't begin to tell you how much this soothes me.



This is the two of them. You have to stare at it for a bit in order to make out who's who. That's the kitten's head at the top and the long-suffering 2yd old cat's face underneath. Cute, but I have to tell you the kitten was biting the other cat's face at the time I took the photo.

Now there's another thing: I made my first card since before Christmas. It's crap in my opinion, but it looks okay. Let me explain that last statement. It's crap because all I did was cut stuff out and stick it on a card blank and that's not the way I prefer to do things. It looks okay though, and I guess it's good for being the first one in more that six months.

Not today thank you.

I was invited to go to a retreat/mindfulness day today. The ch was already booked to go, and he asked if I'd like to go along too. I've done an 8 week course in mindfulness (one day a week) and I knew it would be a beneficial thing for me to do. There was to be yoga too. It was only for four hours. No surprises then when I say I didn't go. It was to be a silent retreat for the most part. As I'm someone who doesn't like talking to people, it would have been a fab opportunity to socialise a little while not having to talk very much either.

Yep, I am a little cross with myself for not going. I did what felt right for me, and that's all I can do. Putting pressure on myself to go to the retreat would only have stressed me more. Instead I have gotten a few things done at home, done a little reading and furminated the dog. Excellent!

What's furminating the dog, I hear you cry? It's a little tool, much like a razor. You use it on the dog's fur and it is designed to only remove the finer undercoat of the dog's fur. Summer's just around the corner (we hope!) and the dog is shedding her winter coat all over the house. And I do mean ALL over the house! It seems like five minutes after I hoover there's dog hair everywhere again. I do it outdoors. I'm pretty sure the neighbours are mystified as to where all these little clouds of fluffiness are coming from. I just flies up into the air all over the place, so I have to check no-one's has any washing out on the line first. They'd take the dry laundry back in and it would be furry!

I know I'm focusing on the failures, but I didn't go on the walk on friday either. My mental health worker set it up locally just for me (all the other activities are a little way from me and hard to get to) I could use the excuse that the weather wasn't fab, but it wasn't raining at the starting time.

Focus on the positives? Yeah, yeah, I know. I can't help it, I guess it's something I need to work on.

Just came across this, seems to fit perfectly.

What's that funny smell?

Ah yes, fresh air! That'll be it!

Yes I went out today. And yesterday. Whoa, I'll be giddy soon. I think that's been pretty much the longest that I've stayed in the house for quite a while. The longer I stay home, the harder it becomes to go out.

I had already committed myself to going out yesterday, only into the village where the ch needed to get to the bank. When we got there I very nearly stayed in the car, but I'm so pleased to say I walked with him. Even went for a little look around in the charity shop next door. That was a bit of a disaster financially as I only discovered when I arrived back home that I had change from £5... but I'd given a £10 note. Economical purchase just became not so economical! I can't afford to just lose £5, but am not going back. I know my limits, and challenging shop staff in not yet within my remit!

Today my mental health worker E took me to a craft group. I used to go to this one quite a long time ago, but then E had a meeting scheduled every Weds and could no longer take me. It's only for a couple of hours. I remembered a couple of the ladies there, so that helped. Most of them crochet or knit but I'm mostly card craft. I took materials to make some gift tags, but also took my adult colouring book in case I felt unable to concentrate enough to make anything. I made one tag, which I wasn't particularly pleased with, but I guess that wasn't really the point. I went out, I went into a group that I hardly knew and I stayed and chatted with them. That's a big achievement, for me anyway. My most in-depth conversations usually are with the kitten! Mind you, she does purr a lot at me and that's very therapeutic as well!

Merry Meds

Today I had a phone call from my psychiatrist. I mean, wow! She's never phoned me before. You'd have to threatening to open a vein just to get an appointment usually. Okay, slight exaggeration, poetic licence.

She rang about my lithium levels. I'm on some kind of roller coaster when it comes to my lithium recently. My dosage was 1000mg, then increased to 1200mg, then decreased back down to 1000mg. Today she wants me to decrease further, to 900mg. These changes are all over the last couple of months. I understand the changes to a certain degree, lithium has a very narrow therapeutic range and can be harmful if taken outside of this range. Since I've been back on 1000mg my blood level has been at 1.0 which is bang on the topmost range.

The upshot of all this, and my cause for concern, is that I'll be dropping to 900mg which is a lower dose than I've been on for several years. Scary. It's no good only looking at the negative side of this, there are positives too. The shakiness in my hands (and sometimes whole body) should reduce, maybe even stop alltogether, who knows. My thyroid has gone a bit weird too over the last few months, so I'm thinking if that's connected to the increased lithium, then maybe that will fall back into line too. Lithium affected my thyroid a couple of years ago for quite a while.

I've not been wanting to go out of the house again. We had two funerals to go to, on the same day recently. I didn't go to either of them and I really regret this, as I knew I would. One was a friend I hadn't seen for a while but was in regular contact with on facebook and the other was the daughter of a friend.

Why don't I want to go out? I think the main reason is that I don't want to talk to anyone. I can handle getting ready, apart from the whole 'nothing fits me' thing; and I can handle driving, parking, shopping, paying at the checkout. It's the social side of things that I just can't handle. It's always been this way. When it was my job to talk to people, no problem. Put me in a social situation and I just can't do it. My stress levels go through the roof. For me it's not 'stranger danger' but more a case of 'family phobia'!

Well, it's been a while hasn't it. Life is carrying on, sometimes with me and sometimes without me.

Recently I had a psych apt, and she upped my lithium because I'd  been feeling so low. Then I had a review and my lithium levels were waaay to high. So that's why I had a permanent case of the shakes! Would you like your tea or stirred? Oops, sorry, I only do shaken.

Lithium levels have since been restored to a more acceptable level. The reading is right on the cusp, so to speak, though. The highest it can be is 1.0 and it's right up there. I use a local pharmacy to collect my meds, and she's very thorough. I just know she's not going to be happy with the current result of 1.0 so I'm thinking of using an alternative one where they don't even check the result. That's really not the way it should be, me leaving the pharmacist that is so good and going to another one who's less meticulous. I can't stand the stress of it tho, so I'll probably go elsewhere.

My crafting is at an all time low. I've not made any cards since last year. I'd started making hand-stamped metal jewellery, but haven't made anything for a couple of months. I keep having the thoughts that I just can't do it. Anything I begin doesn't go right or doesn't look right. That's a nightmare with the metal stamped jewellery, one wrong strike and the piece is ruined. I'm guessing that having such shaky hands has been a factor, but even so, I'm disappointed I've not made anything.

I think I'm going to be returning to a craft group that's fairly local. It's just an hour or so, one morning a week. I think me mental health support worker is going to take me there. Without a lift from her I can't go. It's not far away, but it's a 2 hour journey with 2 busses and a half hour wait in between. It's bound to cost around £8 as well, and I can't afford that every week.

The psych told me I must keep busy, hence me looking for different groups to join. I'm to find another choir, and I'm to go out for a walk with the dog every day. I don't go out of the house very much at all, so that's just not going to happen. I saw her over a week ago and haven't been out with the dog once. My mental health worker is fab, she's found a couple of choirs locally. They rehearse in the evenings, so all I've got to do is decide on one of them and make contact. Trouble is, I feel like shit lately and really don't want to go out anywhere, let alone somewhere new.

There were 2 funerals on the same day this week that I wanted to attend. They were well spaced apart so I could have easily gone to both. I got up early for the first one, but I felt so low that I didn't go. The same for the one in the afternoon. Now I'm feeling so guilty that I didn't go. Knowing it's daft to be feeling guilty doesn't stop the feelings.

Knowing I shouldn't be feeling this way, knowing all the reasons why I shouldn't be feeling this way... it doesn't stop me feeling this way.

If only it were possible to turn off my emotions for a while, maybe then I could function normally. I think that's why I take to my bed when I'm really low, to switch off for a while. Doesn't work tho, it's all there when I wake up again.

Living? Not so much.

I've had a very rough few days. Had suicidal thoughts frequently through the days. It's a bit better in the evenings when ch is home, although I feel  under pressure to cheer up and not look to bad then. He gives me long looks, and I hate it. I just want to be left alone. It's enough, for me, that he's here and sitting next to me. I don't want the added pressure of performing, pretending that I feel better, but I can feel his eyes on me and he wants me to respond. I think the last thing I want to do is respond. I just want to be. That's all, just to be.

He did the most wonderful thing today. He said he would call around lunchtime (his time to race from school to school) but he'd left his phone at home. So he arranged with one of the schools to have a quiet little space in which to use their phone, to ring me. That has lifted me tremendously, that he took the time and trouble to do that. It was just a quick call, about 4 mins, but it meant so much to me. He really can be so very thoughtful.

There is a decision to be made. We are invited out for dinner on Fri, and there is a little party for one of the grandsons on Sat. I am not doing well at all at the whole going out thing. I get so emotional and I well up and cry at the tiniest little thing. I well up and cry when the reason means next to nothing to me. So, at the meal, with family, they will think I am upset (you don't say) and want to discuss the reason. Trust me, the reason will not be worth discussing. I howled my eyes out when doing some ironing recently. It's not the reason, it's what lies beneath, and I'm not discussing that with them. As far as the reasons go, I have agreed to try counselling. I've yet to ring the counsellor tho.

The other thing, the following day, I'm embarrassed at how much I get emotional. If I go to the party everyone will see. I shall feel a complete pratt when I burst into tears because everyone sings happy birthday to the lad. My lovely ch's ex-wife will also be there, deep joy. I shall feel such a fool.

Also, I've had a letter from this mental health agency who help people back into work. Voluntary work at first, I think. I'd like to have a go, but the whole life is pointless thing gets in the way of my thoughts. And there's the crying too. Nope, doesn't create a good effect and they'd be unlikely to invite me back. I have to respond tho.I'll ask if they'll put me on hold until I feel better. I don't think I could cope with an assessment either at the moment.

I tried to make a valentines card for the ch earlier. Yep, you guessed it it. Tears by the bucketload. Is now scrunched up in the bin.

I was supposed to go with my mental health worker to the gym this morning. Nope. Stayed in bed and washed my pillow some instead. Have salty bedlinen.

Ranting not so much

Okay, I'm not ranting so much today. I have to accept that no-body reading this cares in the slightest. Once I can get my head around that maybe I'll be a bit more accepting. Now I will just carry on with this for the way it helps me. It gets everything down on paper, sort of, and that helps a little. There are things I can't tell anyone who knows me, some because it's better for me and some because it's better for them.

I had an asthma & diabetic apt today. They were kind enough to make both on the same day for me. I don't like to go out of the house very much, and it may have meant two bus fares otherwise. As it was ch was able to take me. He doesn't work on a Thursday. The reality of that is usually each Thursday get filled up by all the things he can't do on alternate days due to being in work. Either way I see very little of him thru the week. Today tho, he was able to take me down to the surgery. I have tried to have a conversation about disempowering on a couple of occasions, it's great that he takes me to appointments but it would also help me to do stuff on my own occasionally too.

Probably a good thing he took me today tho, with hindsight. I got tearful at the apt, tho I tried hard not to. End result, a gp apt for next week and back on another day for blood pressure and asthma checks. My bp was all to pot because I'd been upset. I tried to calm my breathing while the apt progressed but I couldn't get it to come down.

Had a lovely lunch when we came home, ch had been food shopping whilst I was in the surgery. He's bought me lots of things I like, so I had a lovely lunch of a tin of soup and cheesey bread. Simple pleasures. He's gone out again now, Thursdays being what they are, he's gone to fit in an apt he can't do in a work day.

I was so upset this morning. Probably the tension of going to see the asthma nurse and diabetic one too. I cried the entire time in the shower, ch can't hear me in there over the sound of the water. I wish I could lose this huge emotional feeling, feels like loss. Still not much nearer to knowing why, though I do think it's got a lot to do with the whole childless thing. I have agreed to go to counselling with someone who has been recommended to ch. I don't know, sometimes I can't decide whether I want to crawl into my bed and pull the duvet over my head, or to drive/walk away and never be seen again Both really, have to get a motorhome, eh.