I spent most of yesterday in my bed. I had breakfast around 9am, went back to bed about 11am and got back up at 5pm. Still slept all thru the night. I know that I need this, because if I didn't need it I'd be awake in the night, unable to sleep having slept so much in the daytime. The ch was out at work, not home until 19:30ish.
I don't publicise the fact that my depression hits me like this. The only one who sees me as I truly am is the ch, and even he doesn't know much about the suicidal thoughts that I sometimes have.
Instead, I do what so many depressives do, I sparkle. I'm cheerful and a bit chatty and I really don't think anyone would know there was anything wrong.
Don't misunderstand me, my family and the ch's family know I have depression, all the adult ones anyway. Maybe the way I hide it is reinforcing the stigma against depression. I've done this 'sparkly' thing for so may years now that it's almost impossible to stop it. It's been very difficult attending a psychiatrist appointment and trying to talk to someone who is almost a stranger about how I really feel. Really goes against the grain and I find myself beginning to do the sparkly thing again.
Today has been a big improvement on yesterday. I did crawl back into my bed again this morning, but have since been up since midday and glory be, I've had a shower! Now there's a radical improvement!!
I type this with a small kitten crawling over me and over the keyboard, so my apologies for any stray letters which may get in unnoticed. She's very cute, and very inquisitive! Yes, I should stop her, but she's my favourite anti-depressant at the moment! I have a larger cat who is constantly pestered by this little kitten climbing all over her and play-fighting. The larger cat spends more time in the garden these days, as the kitten is not allowed outside yet. When I go back to bed, the larger cat comes and snuggles between my shoulder blades, and the kitten behind my knees. This is so lovely, I can't begin to tell you how much this soothes me.
This is the two of them. You have to stare at it for a bit in order to make out who's who. That's the kitten's head at the top and the long-suffering 2yd old cat's face underneath. Cute, but I have to tell you the kitten was biting the other cat's face at the time I took the photo.
Now there's another thing: I made my first card since before Christmas. It's crap in my opinion, but it looks okay. Let me explain that last statement. It's crap because all I did was cut stuff out and stick it on a card blank and that's not the way I prefer to do things. It looks okay though, and I guess it's good for being the first one in more that six months.
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