Well, it's been a while hasn't it. Life is carrying on, sometimes with me and sometimes without me.

Recently I had a psych apt, and she upped my lithium because I'd  been feeling so low. Then I had a review and my lithium levels were waaay to high. So that's why I had a permanent case of the shakes! Would you like your tea or stirred? Oops, sorry, I only do shaken.

Lithium levels have since been restored to a more acceptable level. The reading is right on the cusp, so to speak, though. The highest it can be is 1.0 and it's right up there. I use a local pharmacy to collect my meds, and she's very thorough. I just know she's not going to be happy with the current result of 1.0 so I'm thinking of using an alternative one where they don't even check the result. That's really not the way it should be, me leaving the pharmacist that is so good and going to another one who's less meticulous. I can't stand the stress of it tho, so I'll probably go elsewhere.

My crafting is at an all time low. I've not made any cards since last year. I'd started making hand-stamped metal jewellery, but haven't made anything for a couple of months. I keep having the thoughts that I just can't do it. Anything I begin doesn't go right or doesn't look right. That's a nightmare with the metal stamped jewellery, one wrong strike and the piece is ruined. I'm guessing that having such shaky hands has been a factor, but even so, I'm disappointed I've not made anything.

I think I'm going to be returning to a craft group that's fairly local. It's just an hour or so, one morning a week. I think me mental health support worker is going to take me there. Without a lift from her I can't go. It's not far away, but it's a 2 hour journey with 2 busses and a half hour wait in between. It's bound to cost around £8 as well, and I can't afford that every week.

The psych told me I must keep busy, hence me looking for different groups to join. I'm to find another choir, and I'm to go out for a walk with the dog every day. I don't go out of the house very much at all, so that's just not going to happen. I saw her over a week ago and haven't been out with the dog once. My mental health worker is fab, she's found a couple of choirs locally. They rehearse in the evenings, so all I've got to do is decide on one of them and make contact. Trouble is, I feel like shit lately and really don't want to go out anywhere, let alone somewhere new.

There were 2 funerals on the same day this week that I wanted to attend. They were well spaced apart so I could have easily gone to both. I got up early for the first one, but I felt so low that I didn't go. The same for the one in the afternoon. Now I'm feeling so guilty that I didn't go. Knowing it's daft to be feeling guilty doesn't stop the feelings.

Knowing I shouldn't be feeling this way, knowing all the reasons why I shouldn't be feeling this way... it doesn't stop me feeling this way.

If only it were possible to turn off my emotions for a while, maybe then I could function normally. I think that's why I take to my bed when I'm really low, to switch off for a while. Doesn't work tho, it's all there when I wake up again.