Don't come too close, you'll drown.

Something has happened and I'm not sure what it is. For several weeks I can't stop crying. The emotion that wells up inside me is massive and I don't really know where it's coming from. I have a huge feeling of sadness and loss, without any concrete idea of where it's come from.

This morning I cried when I couldn't iron a pair of trousers properly.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. The emotion I'm feeling is sadness. There are no tears of joy. If I'm watching a film and there's a happy-ever-after ending, I don't cry tears of happiness. It's more the opposite, it's tears of sadness, of loss. Loss seems to figure very highly in my emotions. I think it's loss of something that I'll never have. Family, children, grandchildren, good friends even.

I used to spend a lot of time on Facebook. It was my way to keep in touch with my stepchildren and step-grandchildren.

The reason I've had to step away from Facebook is all the things that so many other people shared about having a son/daughter/sister/mother etc. who were so wonderful. You know the ones: 'Share this if you have a daughter who means the world to you'. Now, that's all very lovely, and I'm glad if you have that daughter, but nobody spares a thought for those of us who do not have this and who may be upset by the reminder of that fact.

Let me make this plain and simple:

I have never had a daughter.
I have never had a son.
I have never had a mother.
I have never had a father.
I have never had a sister.
I have never had a brother.
I have never had a granddaughter.
I have never had a grandson.

I have several stepchildren, all grown up. They have their own mother and definitely don't need another one.

I have 12 step-grandchildren, and 3 of them call me Nanna. That's 3 out of 12. It's lovely when one of the 3 call me Nanna, but it's a huge stab to me heart every time one of the others calls me by my name instead. They all call my husband Grandad, and I've been married to him for as long as most of them have been around, but no, I'm not Nanna. Consequently it will always be Dad and me or Grandad and me. Nobody means to actively hurt me, but every single time it happens, I feel it deeply. I see one of my step-grandsons regularly and he totally sees me as Nanna. I just can't tell you how wonderful this is. I just want to scoop him up and hug him. No, the others don't know the hurt they cause, but it doesn't make it hurt any the less.

I can't say this to any of them. They would be upset by it, and if a name-change was forced, well where's the point in that? So I carry not upsetting anybody and feeling more upset and emotional as time goes on.

While I fully understand that there are hundreds of people out there who have had a much much worse life than me, the fact remains that every single time someone posted one of their 'share this' whatsits, it has just shouted at me that I've never had that closeness, and now I never will.

I should also add that while I've never had a mother or a father, I have had grandparents who brought me up instead. Trust me, it ain't the same!
One example: you're 10 and live in a house that is very dark and very old; both grandparents are too old to play with you and are asleep in their chairs in the afternoon. Life is pretty shit and it's another 8 years before you can get out. One other point, elderly people, and I'm talking people in their early 70s, they eat a lot less than a growing child/teenager, and as a result I was hungry. They didn't know I was hungry, I always had a similar portion to theirs. I used to creep into the pantry when my grandpa was asleep in his chair in the afternoon, and take handfuls of dried fruits that my grandma baked with on a Sunday. I wonder what she thought was happening to her supplies? Sorry grandma!

Just going back to the 'Share this' stuff, I also can't say how I feel about them to fb friends, as it might upset them. For quite a while I just said nothing, but now I can't take it with my current emotions, so I've deactivated my account for a while.

I had a hysterectomy a year ago. I was wondering if  maybe I'm getting the menopause now, instead of a year ago because I certainly didn't notice any symptoms then. Maybe that would account for the huge surge in emotions? No idea.

I really, really wish I could say how I feel about all this. Everything that I've written above. I don't say it because it would upset others, and so I say nothing and it continues to upset me and eat away at me.

What would you do? Would you speak out, in the hope that things might improve for you? Or would you keep quiet about it, and continue to hurt??