Well the whole going away thing is kinda on hold now. I was going with ch when he's in a conference and going for a wander around and maybe a little shopping. I've got problems with my knee now, and it's painful to walk or to even bend it at all. My knee seems to be trying to turn into some kind of balloon animal, it's a bit swollen and lumpy :( I'll not be able to spend Saturday walking into the city and then around the shops. I don't know how to feel about it really. Now I can stay here, safe but alone. I'll have the animals for company, and we'll save money not putting the dog into kennels. The part I would have enjoyed was having a meal with ch in the evening, now I'll be alone. It's not long, he's only away one night. So, I was stressing about going away, and now that I can stay home, I'm stressing about that too. Sometimes I think I just need something to be anxious about.
It does feel like something of a reflex, to be anxious about something, maybe everything. It's as though that is the state in which I need to be. I don't want to be, but my brain says 'yes you do. Here, worry about this'. I'm thinking here is another reason to be practising mindfulness. No, I haven't done it yet.
What do you think about the anxiety thing? Do you have the need to worry about everything, when you really don't want to?
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