Still here.

Still here. That's good. I'm pretty sure that's good anyway. Not quite so often am I feeling I'd rather not be here. So, that's good.

I've been out of the house twice this week. Go me! I made it up to stepdaughter's house to see cute grandson on his 7th birthday. Only made it because tch came with, drove me there etc. When there is noise I get so confused. This bothers me a lot because I didn't used to be this way. It makes me feel that I'm somehow getting worse, not better. So I breathed and focused my attention on cute now-7-year-old. What better way to calm down than that? Did it work? Not entirely, but it was lovely to give him the attention and enter his imagination of play.

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor this week. Couldn't face going out that morning. I didn't know which bus stop to ask for a ticket to (does that make sense?) and tbh I don't care. When I'm depressed I don't care about myself at all, so missing a doctor's apt doesn't matter a bit. Apparently it's because of my thyroid. Yeah, ok, forget that one.

On the subject of not caring about myself much, I've got several gift sets in the cupboard. You know the sort of thing  I mean, a box containing bath treats, body lotion etc. With all of them I put the shower or bath lotions in the shower to be used daily and all the lotions end up going to a charity shop. You see, I'll have a shower but anything further, I just don't care whether my skin gets too dry. I can't be bothered to take the time to put on body lotion. I really wish that I could. I'd love to be one of those ladies with silky soft skin, with a body that's cared for. No, I have a shower and I have a hair style that I just point the hairdryer at because I'm incapable of styling it.

So anyway, going out. I went out today too, to the Ladies Circle. There's only about 6 of us, and I don't think we've managed one week where all six are attending. We all have a mental health condition. It was good to see them, they're lovely ladies. I'm still not sure that I want to continue there though. We went out today, only to the park across the road, but I didn't really want to do this. I like to be somewhere where no-one is likely to talk to me (apart from the ladies, of course).

I really wish I could get over the whole not wanting to go out thing. It's getting worse, not better. Now just thinking about somewhere I must go sends me almost into a panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a full blown panic attack, but this is the closest I've come. I'm hiding from the neighbours again too.

Well it's all a bit doom and gloom really. Sorry about that.