A little wine, perhaps...

Now I don't want to come in here and whine (have you guessed I'm going to?) but I'm not sure how long I can continue doing this. The whole get up in the morning and have a day thing.

The last couple of days it's been so hard just to put one foot in front of the other and climbing stairs is a nightmare. I have no energy, none whatsoever. I see no point in getting out of bed, and am frequently returning there again throughout the day. I really don't want to tell/discuss it with tch because then it becomes a thing, and with that I become a thing to be watched at all times. He knows I'm not well at the mo, and is being very thoughtful. To be honest, what I'd really like is to be left alone. Either to sleep or possibly to lie there composing my last will and testament. All thoughts are despondent and lead downwards to somewhere cold, bleak and dark.

It's not funny really, I just can't help it. Battlefield mentality, that's what it's called, or so I'm told.

It must be awful for anyone to find a dead body. Even if you're in the emergency services it's not right up there as 'Job of the Day' really, is it. Stay at home and your relatives will find you. Not to mention your partner will always remember you died right there. No stains, please.

So you go to a forest; to a hotel; to anywhere else and still Someone will find you. A lot of people would tell me not to care about them, that I'll be long gone be then and won't know anything about it (these people know nothing of my plans for haunting) but that's not me, I care that someone might be tootling along with their day and then, bam! Or squish, depending how long I've been there for.

The same goes for the whole jumping off things idea. Without the mess, or potential loss of life to retrieve a body from water, it's still rubbish. Other methods where there's no body, no death certificate is issued. Very awkward.

And so I carry on, and on. I make myself get up and get through each day. Lately I don't know how to do it, and if I'm starting to fail then I go back to bed again. To lie in the dark and the warm and hope to sleep and make the day go away.

I'm sorry this has been a real downer of an entry. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. I think the swing came back and hit me in the head.