I've had a very rough few days. Had suicidal thoughts frequently through the days. It's a bit better in the evenings when ch is home, although I feel under pressure to cheer up and not look to bad then. He gives me long looks, and I hate it. I just want to be left alone. It's enough, for me, that he's here and sitting next to me. I don't want the added pressure of performing, pretending that I feel better, but I can feel his eyes on me and he wants me to respond. I think the last thing I want to do is respond. I just want to be. That's all, just to be.
He did the most wonderful thing today. He said he would call around lunchtime (his time to race from school to school) but he'd left his phone at home. So he arranged with one of the schools to have a quiet little space in which to use their phone, to ring me. That has lifted me tremendously, that he took the time and trouble to do that. It was just a quick call, about 4 mins, but it meant so much to me. He really can be so very thoughtful.
There is a decision to be made. We are invited out for dinner on Fri, and there is a little party for one of the grandsons on Sat. I am not doing well at all at the whole going out thing. I get so emotional and I well up and cry at the tiniest little thing. I well up and cry when the reason means next to nothing to me. So, at the meal, with family, they will think I am upset (you don't say) and want to discuss the reason. Trust me, the reason will not be worth discussing. I howled my eyes out when doing some ironing recently. It's not the reason, it's what lies beneath, and I'm not discussing that with them. As far as the reasons go, I have agreed to try counselling. I've yet to ring the counsellor tho.
The other thing, the following day, I'm embarrassed at how much I get emotional. If I go to the party everyone will see. I shall feel a complete pratt when I burst into tears because everyone sings happy birthday to the lad. My lovely ch's ex-wife will also be there, deep joy. I shall feel such a fool.
Also, I've had a letter from this mental health agency who help people back into work. Voluntary work at first, I think. I'd like to have a go, but the whole life is pointless thing gets in the way of my thoughts. And there's the crying too. Nope, doesn't create a good effect and they'd be unlikely to invite me back. I have to respond tho.I'll ask if they'll put me on hold until I feel better. I don't think I could cope with an assessment either at the moment.
I tried to make a valentines card for the ch earlier. Yep, you guessed it it. Tears by the bucketload. Is now scrunched up in the bin.
I was supposed to go with my mental health worker to the gym this morning. Nope. Stayed in bed and washed my pillow some instead. Have salty bedlinen.
